WEBVTT

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[music]

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In my breasts were be part of my life.

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[music]

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With just a thought of having chemotherapy,

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it use to make me vomit.

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I don\'t know if they would

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spend the money to look for the cause.

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[music]

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Right now I still feel as though

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I\'m a bit of a freak.

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And I am so pleased.

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[music]

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There really is still

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life without breast.

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There is no crystal ball

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that says, \"Oh, this the
way your journey\'s gonna

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transpire, and this is the road it\'s
gonna go down,\" coz no one knows.

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[music]

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An exotic dancer\'s relationship with her

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breast is probably quite different
actually than most women\'s.

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Ah, you know, you\'re always wandering...
I think every woman grows up wondering

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how her breasts you know, kind of size
up in relationship to everyone else.

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And one of the, the best things that happened
to me ah, when I became an exotic dancer was

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a very timid insecure about my
nudity and my small breasts. Women

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turned into very confident, very
proud of my small breast women.

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But there was still always the pressure to
go bigger, go bigger. You know the, the

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dancers who had the implants usually made
more money. They were easy you know, had an

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easier time getting booked and so there
is always that kind of pressure. As far

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as breast go, I probably
squeezed more fake breasts

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than anyone I know. Ah, every time I\'ve...
A dancer\'s walked into a change room with

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new boobs you know, we all take turns touching
them and see if there you know, (inaudible)

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and how hard are they right after they\'re
done and all that kind of stuff and, and ah,

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breast are definitely that exotic dancers
are quite comfortable exposing for the

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most part and ah, you know.
It\'s not, it\'s not... I think

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that yeah, our breast are sexual
especially because we make money,

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displaying them sexually for, for people\'s
you know viewing pleasure ah, but

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they lose a lot of that kind
of sexuality or sexual uhm,

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representation for ourselves in many
respects because it\'s just you know,

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it\'s my boob, it\'s my crotch,
it\'s my elbow, it\'s just

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another part of our bodies because we\'re showing them
all the time so there\'s not all this you know, \"Oh

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my breasts,\" you know.

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I have had men give me
hundreds of dollars...

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Bills that I put on my breast. I also have
taken tidy tips that\'s where a man puts money

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in his mouth which is disgusting. And
then but I don\'t say so, say so.

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And then the women lean and
squeezes her boobs together to

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take the money out of the man\'s mouth. And so
your breast can sometimes touch his cheeks.

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When you have really small boobs like mine it
might be easier just ah, cover with your fingers.

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But when I had slightly larger
breast after my daughter was born

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I had a regular costumer at one of
my favorite clubs to work in and he

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convinced me to do (inaudible)

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and ah, so I,

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I was like, \"Okay.\" I leaned
in like took the (inaudible)

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and when I came my hands and his
face were covered in breast milk.

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It\'s great. A lot of people in the
audience were slightly disgusted.

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I thought it was funny.

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It\'s

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amazing to be able to feed your child with
your own body like that. Nursing was not easy

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at all. I, I went in thinking, \"Oh, this is
gonna be...\" I ah, people had told me it was

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difficult but I didn\'t quite know
how difficult. As soon as he

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was born he came ah, you know, put him to my breast
and he just latched straight on and it was...

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I was really nervous about it I didn\'t if
it would be and it was. So it\'s excellent.

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I mean the funny thing I guess is he has some
really funny faces were he looks like he\'s

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feeling (inaudible)

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having the best. It\'s like he\'s on drugs or
something. His eyes roll back and he\'s just this

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hoo hoo hoo thing, you know, which is
the really cute. But the down side is

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you will probably end up with saggier breast
and not every young women wants to carry

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into her life saggy breasts. It\'s not the
miss to track of thing on the beach. They

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change. Right now they\'re, they\'re kinda
nice but then once I stopped nursing they

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kind of shrink and sag.
I remember when I have

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first, first pregnant, I
started to grow breast quite

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large and I remember jumping up and down
in front of my husband watching them go,

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go boing, go boing, go boing, and
say, \"Look at me, look at me.\"

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Nippie? Who wants the

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nippie? He wants his nippie. Give me
the nippie now. Show me the nippie.

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I could squirt it out if I wanted to.
I\'ll be walking along and I\'ll

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think about breastfeeding him and sure enough I look
down and I\'ll have wet spots kinda thing and it\'s...

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It happens a lot. And I wear
breast pads and everything but

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they don\'t do much after the milk wants
to flow, it will flow. And the milk just

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spray like across the room. And
it was one of those like, \"Oh

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my god,\" I didn\'t know when it\'d be like,
\"Wow, that was cool, did you see that?\" Or

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have mortified that I\'d spray into somebody and
was embarrassed by it. My husband feels my

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breast are erotic. Uhm, and
he zeroes in with those

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nipples, I\'ll tell you. He
thinks he fell into heaven.

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He\'d be exploring my breast
in a sexual manner and he\'d

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get milk sometimes in his mouth and that
was just really weird for everybody.

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So we, we sort of an, an
unspoken off limit area for the

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longest time. They still find my breast
very sexual and it\'s funny how you know,

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when I nurse I don\'t feel anything other than just
nursing but you know, when I\'m intimate with my husband

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ah, yeah, I definitely feel
the sexual sensations and

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the very sensitive and its nice.
So recently

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when we were sexually
involved and ah, he was

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focusing on the breast again and ah,
discovering that there was not that that

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connection and that it was giving me more
pleasure than it ever had. It was a whole new

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rediscovery for both of us. Right now I\'m,
I\'m still quite comfortable nursing. I\'m not

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looking forward stopping. I don\'t find it
takes away any of my time. It frantically

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gives me, put second to sit down and kinda get grounded.
It\'s but what do you think they\'re there for?

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Uh-huh. Yeah, they\'re there for our
pleasure but they\'re there to nurse and

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nurture our children too.

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There they are.

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In a way there are secret but they\'re
not something that should be

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put in a box and you know, shut away.

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[music]

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I\'d looked

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in Webster\'s dictionary, breast and it

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said, it is part of your body ah,

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ah, on the front between
your neck and your abdomen.

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And I thought that was very stimulating.

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[sil.]

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Well that last shot. Oh well...
Well, it was a good day.

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I had some ah, two children
ah, 12 months apart

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and uhm, also I just finished one and I
nurse the other, I felt like a dairy

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cow. I have three and I
didn\'t nurse any one of them.

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I had eight and I tried very

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desperately to nurse them all and I nursed about half of
them for a short period of time but I wasn\'t a winner

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at it. For me it was uhm,
sort of an embarrassing

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situation or, or suggestion. I don\'t know why
I\'m, I\'m really must have been quite backward.

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I nursed the first one for three
months, I really didn\'t like it

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and so I stopped with the other
three children. The first

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Christmas my husband gave
me uhm, every gift was two

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you bossy from such and such or two.
You know,

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my husband referring to
cows ah, because I wa...

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I felt like a cow. The doctor after the
fourth one said, \"Will you stop trying to

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nurse your children. They\'ve be
much happier with a bottle.\"

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[sil.]

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I remember when I started to

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develop, I, I stood around like this most
of the time because - Yeah. Yes. - it, it

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was... I didn\'t think about it but I just
thought I got to be covered. We tried

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to hide them. Yeah, it was different.
Yeah. I was

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not aware of my breast in
particular and I was definitely the

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sloppy joe. Yeah. Tomboy that
couldn\'t care less about my

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breast. And I was a slappy joe too
but my dad always said, \"You\'re

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tall, 5\'8, stand up and flaunt them.\"

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Flaunt it with tight sweaters.

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I\'m not surprised. No, we\'re not surprised
Good for you. But I was almost 17 before

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you know, - Before. - I... yeah. So I always felt
as a child that I was holding back on everything

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particularly sexuality. I felt very
strongly that it mattered when I

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got married. I, I... it
was it\'s a hard thing

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to ah, accept that you - Yeah. - can
just enjoy yourself. (inaudible)

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talk

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to men? No, no it was never talked about.
Right. No. And I, I think

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certainly s... breast are

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involved in sexuality which is rather
unfortunate. It, it, it... it\'s a visual

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thing, it shouldn\'t really enter to
sexuality, sexuality is an inner thing,

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don\'t you think? My breast
have very much the erotic

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zone in my body and when
I had my left breast

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removed from cancer
mastectomy, it affected my

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sexuality. I didn\'t have the
same desire for sex that I had

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when I had that left breast. The
right breast is not nearly as,

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as stimulating but the
left breast was, and its

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gone and so am I. No, no
you\'re still laughing.

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It hasn\'t affected your
swing anyway, that\'s good.

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[sil.]

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My name is Lyn Radbourne. I had ah, I was
diagnosed with breast cancer actually

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December 17th, 1998 and I had
my surgery January 21st, 1999.

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Now I\'m gonna start to cry.
Sorry. Ah, well, I\'m

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Louisa Morris, I\'m 29. And
a few weeks before my 26th

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birthday I found a lump in my right breast.
My name is Tina

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Scorda and I was diagnosed
at the age of 33. Uhm,

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i... i... it was a very difficult
uhm, thing to go through.

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My name\'s Sheila Kelly and
uhm, I had my first uhm, bout

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of breast cancer in ah, 1986. And

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whereby had an, a mast... uhm,
a partial uhm, mastectomy and

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lumpectomy actually. Some calcifications
were found on a mammogram

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so uhm, I had a lumpectomy.
So I had a number of

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biopsies and ah, in January of 2005,

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I was told I had grade three
invasive ductal breast cancer. And

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two weeks later I had a mastectomy of
my right breast. Umh, 15 years ago

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I had a lumpectomy and
chemotherapy, surgery, and

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radiation. That was a 1991
and I was diagnosed again

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in 2004 at which time I had ah, bilateral

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mastectomy and reconstruction
which is called the TRAM.

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Uhm, I had a right mastectomy
with the TRAM flap which uhm,

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you know, they took fat and muscle
from my abdomen and put it on my

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breast. Uhm, save the skin so
skin saving mastectomy took the

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nipple and the areola. So I had a
reconstruction at the same time and

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uhm, I had my nipple put on a year later
in November and I\'m getting my tattoo this

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July. I\'m Brenda Hochachka, I\'m 62, I have

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three children and I have had breast cancer

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twice. I had it first in 1983 and
then ah, again a second primary in

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the other breast in 1993.
After the mastectomy they

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wanted me to do chemo right away because
they said I would need six treatments

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of quite potent chemotherapy
as I was young and because

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the younger you are usually the more uhm,

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the more aggressive the cancer is.
I\'m Trina Calli, and I\'m

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39 years old, and I\'m going
through chemotherapy.

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Uhm, its been a real whirlwind
of an adventure the last ah,

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five years of my life. And I\'m
just feeling like a guinea pig

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these days. Ah, my oncologist
picking sort of the drug out of

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the hat and hoping that it\'s
going to uhm, help my situation

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and it\'s very, very frustrating. And

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you know, I just... I\'m not
sure you know, what\'s gonna

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be happening or what\'s gonna
happen in the future and ah, it\'s

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frustrating and very. very
scary at the same time.

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[music]

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Advance breast cancer uhm, it\'s

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uhm, that it s... it
spread into other organs

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uhm, which for me is in my ribs, ,

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and in my lymphatic system,
and in my lung, I have

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cancer in my right lung. So
what they\'re gonna do first is

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umh, re-access into my port here.
I have ah,

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mesh that goes directly into my vein.
And then they just

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poke a needle in with ah, tubing
and then put the drug into the

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tubing and to see its having to drive these
all the time depending on how many chemo

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treatments you have, it\'s easier
to access to that way. There you

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go. (inaudible)

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.

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This week I will be very tired.
Sleep a lot,

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stick to ah, anti-nausea regime. Cost $4000

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for this drug. God, I can\'t even

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count how many I\'ve had. I think
my brain is just saturated.

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It will be a long, long time before
I get rid to my chemo brain.

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You know the... with taking chemo you

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just get, \"Eh,\" like s...
I feel really stupid.

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Uhm, not on the ball, I
can\'t concentrate, I can\'t

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grasp words that are just sort
of on the tip of my tongue, uhm,

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can\'t figure out simple things and...
When I first started

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having the chemotherapy you know, the first, and
second, and third treatments were fine. I\'d go

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to the hospital, I\'d come back, I\'d be sick for
three days. You know, a... and then I\'d go

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back to work. But as the treatments
went on, you know, just the

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thought you know, before I even got to the
hospital, just the thought of having chemotherapy,

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it use to make me vomit. I
had a very bad reaction to

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one of my chemotherapy drugs.
It felt like uhm, my, my

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chest was just being ripped open.
Being 33, it was something...

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I just found it really hard to deal with
because of the fact that I... I\'m single

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and I didn\'t have a boyfriend or
husband and my concern was having

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to have chemotherapy which
could render me infertile. I

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slept pretty much the whole
fi... five days I was in bed.

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I wasn\'t too, too sick but I was
just, just wasted, wiped out.

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I have my eggs frozen at, at
which time I can go back anytime

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to use those eggs when I
decide to have a baby.

00:22:50.000 --> 00:22:54.999
Ah, when I went to chemo orientation I
met one of my friends Courtney who was

00:22:55.000 --> 00:22:59.999
relatively same age as me. And she said,
\"Well, when our hair starts falling

00:23:00.000 --> 00:23:04.999
out loud, shave it off and we\'ll probably
show our bald heads to all of society.

00:23:05.000 --> 00:23:09.999
And she took the old buzzers
and just, \"Bzzz,\" buzzed my

00:23:10.000 --> 00:23:14.999
head and I just sat there like this.
When she ah, was shaving

00:23:15.000 --> 00:23:19.999
my head and uhm, that was hard.

00:23:20.000 --> 00:23:24.999
[music]

00:23:25.000 --> 00:23:29.999
Taking my son to school
or shopping, I just wear

00:23:30.000 --> 00:23:34.999
just the good old bandana.

00:23:35.000 --> 00:23:39.999
I\'m feeling ah, you know,
trynna be young and hipper.

00:23:40.000 --> 00:23:44.999
Good old baseball hat,

00:23:45.000 --> 00:23:49.999
like I\'ve gotta go out
and do something. More

00:23:50.000 --> 00:23:54.999
classy, then go for my ah, Kurt Cobein wig

00:23:55.000 --> 00:23:59.999
look. And then I could even dress

00:24:00.000 --> 00:24:04.999
it up a little bit more for fun.
Just put on the

00:24:05.000 --> 00:24:09.999
bandana over top and good.

00:24:10.000 --> 00:24:14.999
Or you know, some little cowboy (inaudible)

00:24:15.000 --> 00:24:19.999
. For the

00:24:20.000 --> 00:24:24.999
glam look I\'ve got like a big to do

00:24:25.000 --> 00:24:29.999
Christmas(ph) something.

00:24:30.000 --> 00:24:34.999
[sil.]

00:24:35.000 --> 00:24:39.999
Well my first

00:24:40.000 --> 00:24:44.999
uhm, mastectomy was on the right side
and I have a nice smooth scar. On the

00:24:45.000 --> 00:24:49.999
second side, same surgeon but
I\'d got this little lump here

00:24:50.000 --> 00:24:54.999
which they took off three times because
they kept thinking it might be a cancerous

00:24:55.000 --> 00:24:59.999
growth but it wasn\'t and so
we, we\'ve left that. I\'ve had

00:25:00.000 --> 00:25:04.999
from the hospital I have this thing, looks just like
a breast, doesn\'t it? Do you think so huh? Okay.

00:25:05.000 --> 00:25:09.999
Then I bought this one which I could wear this
way or this way cuz I have this little puppy dog

00:25:10.000 --> 00:25:14.999
ears here. A lot of people who\'ve had breast cancer and
have had mastectomies they end up with these little

00:25:15.000 --> 00:25:19.999
things cuz the surgeons don\'t care what you look like afterwards and
then they want you to see a plastic surgeon in charge of money,

00:25:20.000 --> 00:25:24.999
but I won\'t do that. So you can
wear it this way or this way.

00:25:25.000 --> 00:25:29.999
Now the other thing is, you
have to spend a fortune on bras

00:25:30.000 --> 00:25:34.999
and that\'s because they had this little
pockets in here. And you put the

00:25:35.000 --> 00:25:39.999
prosthesis into the pockets so that it\'s
not against your skin because this of

00:25:40.000 --> 00:25:44.999
course is some sort material that uhm,

00:25:45.000 --> 00:25:49.999
you know, this makes you sweat, what can
I say? This is my favorite one because

00:25:50.000 --> 00:25:54.999
it ah, it feels and it, it
droops a little bit, so it, it

00:25:55.000 --> 00:25:59.999
feels better than ah, some of the other
ones. And I can wear it this way

00:26:00.000 --> 00:26:04.999
on this side or this side depending
on the neckline and depending on

00:26:05.000 --> 00:26:09.999
how ah, the shape of the bra. With this one I
wear it the way it\'s supposed to be. This is

00:26:10.000 --> 00:26:14.999
supposed to be the right. This is
my newest one and even though its

00:26:15.000 --> 00:26:19.999
bigger than this one,
its weighs a lot less.

00:26:20.000 --> 00:26:24.999
It has ah, inside that
uhm, keeps me cool ah,

00:26:25.000 --> 00:26:29.999
in hot climates or if I\'m exercising or whatever
although I don\'t wear anything when I\'m

00:26:30.000 --> 00:26:34.999
exercising. And it, it fits
on and it is made to go

00:26:35.000 --> 00:26:39.999
right up to the little pouch. So rather than, than doing
something about the surgery to get rid of this little doggy

00:26:40.000 --> 00:26:44.999
ears on this side, they make prosthesis
to sort of take you right in...

00:26:45.000 --> 00:26:49.999
Into that. Now, because I

00:26:50.000 --> 00:26:54.999
decide that I should do aquasize or something,
and I do like the hot tub. I\'ve got this...

00:26:55.000 --> 00:26:59.999
It\'s called a swim form.
It goes on there and

00:27:00.000 --> 00:27:04.999
believe it or not when you\'re in the water,
it actually gets on like suction which

00:27:05.000 --> 00:27:09.999
ah, shocked me, I was really quite, quite surprised.
And they\'ll even do that through the material, it has

00:27:10.000 --> 00:27:14.999
something to do with the water pressure or whatever.
So that\'s, that\'s my one for, for swimming

00:27:15.000 --> 00:27:19.999
and I\'m not a swimmer. Interesting.

00:27:20.000 --> 00:27:28.000
[music]

00:27:30.000 --> 00:27:34.999
I had my uhm, breast
reconstructed last year

00:27:35.000 --> 00:27:39.999
and I had a new breast put on but uhm,

00:27:40.000 --> 00:27:44.999
I miss the one that I had.
Ah, I miss her. It

00:27:45.000 --> 00:27:49.999
feels to me like she is ah,

00:27:50.000 --> 00:27:54.999
a little part of me that ah, I miss.
Almost like

00:27:55.000 --> 00:27:59.999
she uhm, has a character into
herself and she\'s gone now. My

00:28:00.000 --> 00:28:04.999
breast were big part of my life,
my sexual life. Uhm, the very

00:28:05.000 --> 00:28:09.999
sensitive and ah, I...
I... I miss, I miss it.

00:28:10.000 --> 00:28:14.999
It just feels like as much as I\'m
grateful to not have a bare chest and not

00:28:15.000 --> 00:28:19.999
have cancer anymore in that side.
I\'m... I feel like I have a piece of

00:28:20.000 --> 00:28:24.999
steak sown on my chest.
And ah, it doesn\'t feel

00:28:25.000 --> 00:28:29.999
very good ever. Ah, I don\'t
like bumping into it with my

00:28:30.000 --> 00:28:34.999
arm or touching it. Its just a
constant reminder of how numb it

00:28:35.000 --> 00:28:39.999
is, and how dull it feels,
and not part of me. Uhm,

00:28:40.000 --> 00:28:44.999
it\'s kind of ah, it\'s an actual

00:28:45.000 --> 00:28:49.999
uhm, takes way, it\'s just a
neutral thing that takes away

00:28:50.000 --> 00:28:54.999
from my sex life because of
it\'s touched or stroked or

00:28:55.000 --> 00:28:59.999
anything, it, it just makes
me ah, it feels creepy and it

00:29:00.000 --> 00:29:04.999
takes away from the whole sexual experience. I just
want it to all stop because it reminds of cancer.

00:29:05.000 --> 00:29:09.999
It reminds me that, \"Oh my god, where
did it go?\" That feeling is nothing\'s

00:29:10.000 --> 00:29:14.999
there, I don\'t feel anything and ah,
sometimes I feel angry. When it\'s

00:29:15.000 --> 00:29:19.999
touched I just want to s... want
it to stop because it\'s ah, such

00:29:20.000 --> 00:29:24.999
sad thing. And of course sex isn\'t
supposed to be a sad thing so ah,

00:29:25.000 --> 00:29:29.999
it uhm, it really takes away from my sex
life I have to really find a way to

00:29:30.000 --> 00:29:34.999
incorporate somehow this thing that\'s
sown on by being part of my sex life I

00:29:35.000 --> 00:29:39.999
guess. Uhm, but ah, I, I miss her.

00:29:40.000 --> 00:29:44.999
I ah, yeah, that\'s all. I just,
I just miss her. I put my

00:29:45.000 --> 00:29:49.999
hand on this breast and think, \"Wow, where did she
go?\" You know, this is just nothing. This feels

00:29:50.000 --> 00:29:54.999
terrible.

00:29:55.000 --> 00:29:59.999
Hi,

00:30:00.000 --> 00:30:04.999
my name is Pamela Jones. I have
had a double mastectomy with

00:30:05.000 --> 00:30:09.999
reconstruction and this is the result.

00:30:10.000 --> 00:30:14.999
[music]

00:30:15.000 --> 00:30:19.999
So I was diagnosed in the
opposite breast with a cluster.

00:30:20.000 --> 00:30:24.999
Uhm, it hadn\'t encapsulated
yet and my option was to

00:30:25.000 --> 00:30:29.999
have uhm, a mastectomy uhm, of that breast

00:30:30.000 --> 00:30:34.999
or just have both of them off,
and my choice was to have a

00:30:35.000 --> 00:30:39.999
bilateral. Uhm, if you don\'t have breast, I
can\'t get breast cancer again, was my theory.

00:30:40.000 --> 00:30:44.999
It was a very long operation.
It uhm, was about

00:30:45.000 --> 00:30:49.999
I believe eight hours where
they literally remove your

00:30:50.000 --> 00:30:54.999
nipple areola and basically scoop
your breast out like you would a

00:30:55.000 --> 00:30:59.999
cantaloupe and get rid of that cancerous tissue
and all the other the tissue. Leave it hollow

00:31:00.000 --> 00:31:04.999
they then do a very long
incision from hip to hip

00:31:05.000 --> 00:31:09.999
and they uhm, take the f...
the fat ah, from

00:31:10.000 --> 00:31:14.999
that and your rectus muscle and
tunnel of underneath my stomach

00:31:15.000 --> 00:31:19.999
and uhm, pulp them back up into
the empty cavities leaving

00:31:20.000 --> 00:31:24.999
uhm, about a two inch circle of
my stomach skin on top so that

00:31:25.000 --> 00:31:29.999
would then become the areola and from there,
they make the nipples. So it\'s uhm, very

00:31:30.000 --> 00:31:34.999
invasive. I have the nipples uhm, added

00:31:35.000 --> 00:31:39.999
which I call origami. They

00:31:40.000 --> 00:31:44.999
do look x and crunch them
up and sole them down. Then

00:31:45.000 --> 00:31:49.999
about six months after that
I had the tattooing done.

00:31:50.000 --> 00:31:54.999
[sil.]

00:31:55.000 --> 00:31:59.999
So you can see how

00:32:00.000 --> 00:32:04.999
this is too pink. Yeah. So
that tone there is more of

00:32:05.000 --> 00:32:09.999
a brown tone. Look at the
difference between the two.

00:32:10.000 --> 00:32:14.999
[sil.]

00:32:15.000 --> 00:32:18.999
I just can\'t look cuz the idea of it
creeps me out. But now I feel (inaudible)

00:32:19.000 --> 00:32:20.000
. It\'s still

00:32:20.001 --> 00:32:24.999
yours. You look nervous. Okay.

00:32:25.000 --> 00:32:33.000
[sil.]

00:32:40.000 --> 00:32:44.999
That\'s okay.

00:32:45.000 --> 00:32:49.999
Good? Okay.

00:32:50.000 --> 00:32:54.999
You can look. Wow, that looks so good.

00:32:55.000 --> 00:32:59.999
Wow, you did a great job. (inaudible)

00:33:00.000 --> 00:33:04.999
oh my god. And that, that looks

00:33:05.000 --> 00:33:09.999
like a nipple.

00:33:10.000 --> 00:33:14.999
I don\'t eat diary. I\'ve

00:33:15.000 --> 00:33:19.999
become a vegetarian. I\'d tried
to buy organic produce. I\'m

00:33:20.000 --> 00:33:24.999
making lemon and vinegar cleaning
solutions. I\'d saw a chiropractor I, I

00:33:25.000 --> 00:33:29.999
meditated, I did visualization. I\'m
taking more time for, for myself.

00:33:30.000 --> 00:33:34.999
So I don\'t use pesticides. I\'d,
I\'d grow vegetables. I don\'t use

00:33:35.000 --> 00:33:39.999
organic fertilizers. I\'ve given up dairy.
I... but I don\'t heat things up in the

00:33:40.000 --> 00:33:48.000
microwave in the plastic for example. I, I ran the Vancouver marathon.
Meditation, relaxation ah, learning to say no. If I have to

00:33:50.000 --> 00:33:54.999
buy anything that\'s a pre-packaged type food,
I\'ll try to ensure that its food that,

00:33:55.000 --> 00:33:59.999
that says that it\'s organic. I don\'t dye my hair.
I don\'t use to many chemicals in the house.

00:34:00.000 --> 00:34:04.999
The macrobiotic diet, that was a big part
of it. You know, the raw vegetables, the

00:34:05.000 --> 00:34:09.999
sprouting of the, the greens.
Cutting out wine, alcohol ah,

00:34:10.000 --> 00:34:14.999
coffee. I drag(ph) week rest.
Cutting out red meats. For

00:34:15.000 --> 00:34:19.999
a, a solid month, I did nothing but that.

00:34:20.000 --> 00:34:24.999
[music]

00:34:25.000 --> 00:34:29.999
I had a mammogram a few weeks ago on my left
breast. They\'ve been sort of keeping an eye on

00:34:30.000 --> 00:34:34.999
a little area there that they were worried about
before I had my first mastectomy but they it was

00:34:35.000 --> 00:34:39.999
okay so they just been kinda watching it.
Anyway, three weeks ago, the radiologist

00:34:40.000 --> 00:34:44.999
decided that she want to do
a biopsy on a site there.

00:34:45.000 --> 00:34:49.999
It wasn\'t exactly fun.

00:34:50.000 --> 00:34:54.999
[music]

00:34:55.000 --> 00:34:59.999
It wasn\'t terribly painful
but you know, was definitely

00:35:00.000 --> 00:35:04.999
uncomfortable.

00:35:05.000 --> 00:35:09.999
Move this way, move to that way, move at this
way, g... grab the breast, push it here,

00:35:10.000 --> 00:35:14.999
push it there, okay there we go.

00:35:15.000 --> 00:35:19.999
[music]

00:35:20.000 --> 00:35:24.999
You know, it\'s kind of dehumanizing
process because its so machine oriented

00:35:25.000 --> 00:35:29.999
so your completely in a strap
into a machine and hoop

00:35:30.000 --> 00:35:34.999
up and told not to move and all the computers are setup and
you can\'t move a fraction of an inch and you know, its

00:35:35.000 --> 00:35:39.999
so... its so ah, uhm, technical.

00:35:40.000 --> 00:35:48.000
[music]

00:35:55.000 --> 00:35:59.999
I found it very difficult. A few tears

00:36:00.000 --> 00:36:04.999
not from pain but just from
feeling like a piece of meat.

00:36:05.000 --> 00:36:13.000
[music]

00:36:45.000 --> 00:36:49.999
Well I\'m

00:36:50.000 --> 00:36:54.999
just waiting, waiting for those
seven to 10 torturous day waitin\'

00:36:55.000 --> 00:36:59.999
to see if I have cancer or not in the other
breast. So yeah, I had a biopsy here

00:37:00.000 --> 00:37:04.999
on this side. I think the lesions
are here so they went in

00:37:05.000 --> 00:37:09.999
here and came through and so
that\'s kind of where I am now.

00:37:10.000 --> 00:37:14.999
[sil.]

00:37:15.000 --> 00:37:23.000
[music]

00:37:25.000 --> 00:37:29.999
It might be a multitude of environmental
factors. You know, it\'s not just one thing but

00:37:30.000 --> 00:37:34.999
it\'s this, plus this, plus this, plus this.

00:37:35.000 --> 00:37:39.999
You know I\'m thinking, pesticides,
environment, that\'s sort of my big gas but

00:37:40.000 --> 00:37:44.999
you know, I\'m, I\'m right in there with guessing.
I... coz I just don\'t think we know yet.

00:37:45.000 --> 00:37:49.999
I put it down to uhm,

00:37:50.000 --> 00:37:54.999
stress at that time I was separated
from my first husband. And uhm,

00:37:55.000 --> 00:37:59.999
I went to a lot stress through that time.

00:38:00.000 --> 00:38:04.999
I think that it is an
environmental thing especially in

00:38:05.000 --> 00:38:09.999
my case where there is
no cancer in my family.

00:38:10.000 --> 00:38:14.999
I\'m a runner, I eat well,

00:38:15.000 --> 00:38:19.999
and I did all the things according to all the books and
what they say with children breastfeeding and all that

00:38:20.000 --> 00:38:24.999
sort of thing, so I can\'t
really blame it on that.

00:38:25.000 --> 00:38:29.999
Maybe it\'s, maybe it\'s environmental
or maybe the causes are

00:38:30.000 --> 00:38:34.999
environmental. We have so many things, so many
particulates in the air, so many things on our foods,

00:38:35.000 --> 00:38:39.999
so many chemicals on our make-up,
in our in, in cleaning products.

00:38:40.000 --> 00:38:44.999
I have a few theories of my

00:38:45.000 --> 00:38:49.999
own but ah, one of the
most that I went to school

00:38:50.000 --> 00:38:54.999
downwind from a huge and nuclear facility.

00:38:55.000 --> 00:38:59.999
I believe that it was because of

00:39:00.000 --> 00:39:04.999
relationship issues with my husband.

00:39:05.000 --> 00:39:09.999
The second uhm, breast cancer I was

00:39:10.000 --> 00:39:14.999
separated again from my second husband.
And so I think I was just going through

00:39:15.000 --> 00:39:19.999
a really stressful time. I have

00:39:20.000 --> 00:39:24.999
no risk factors and I have cancer.
I\'m healthy and

00:39:25.000 --> 00:39:29.999
fit, and eat well, and uhm, have
a happy life, and have a good

00:39:30.000 --> 00:39:34.999
privileged easy life. Ah, with
great friends and family, and

00:39:35.000 --> 00:39:39.999
I don\'t see my life as having
been filled with stress.

00:39:40.000 --> 00:39:44.999
Don\'t necessarily think
stress as a factor but

00:39:45.000 --> 00:39:49.999
I certainly think that lowered immune
systems may be a contributing factor.

00:39:50.000 --> 00:39:54.999
We live in a, in a

00:39:55.000 --> 00:39:59.999
world that... that\'s full of too many chemicals
not enough natural ah, material and too many

00:40:00.000 --> 00:40:04.999
people who don\'t believe
that uhm, pesticides

00:40:05.000 --> 00:40:09.999
will eventually kill you, or that
take in one medicine today will cause

00:40:10.000 --> 00:40:14.999
your child to have a health
problem in the future.

00:40:15.000 --> 00:40:19.999
So I had a lot of ah, x-rays and

00:40:20.000 --> 00:40:24.999
about 1953 at a crucial time when
breast development is happening.

00:40:25.000 --> 00:40:29.999
That I think we all have the

00:40:30.000 --> 00:40:34.999
potential to develop cancer uhm, in our
bodies but, but something triggers it.

00:40:35.000 --> 00:40:39.999
When I was doing the research in 1969,

00:40:40.000 --> 00:40:44.999
1970 as we used to induced breast cancer
in mice while I\'m giving them estrogen

00:40:45.000 --> 00:40:49.999
when they were sort of pre-adolescents.
Doctors that tell

00:40:50.000 --> 00:40:54.999
women that it\'s stress and they need
to destress their lives, it\'s so

00:40:55.000 --> 00:40:59.999
irresponsible. I just find it
beyond the pail. It\'s cruel, it\'s

00:41:00.000 --> 00:41:04.999
just cruel because they don\'t know that.
That\'s just a guess.

00:41:05.000 --> 00:41:09.999
The thing that they ask me all
the time, had I ever taken birth

00:41:10.000 --> 00:41:14.999
control pills, and I did.

00:41:15.000 --> 00:41:19.999
I never wanted to take the birth control
pill after I had lumps in my early

00:41:20.000 --> 00:41:24.999
20s. I, I did a bit of reading and I thought,
\"Uhm, I don\'t think I want to mock about with my

00:41:25.000 --> 00:41:29.999
endocrinology at this point.\"
There\'s so many women that

00:41:30.000 --> 00:41:34.999
carry this baggage around, \"Well I had a
stressful life.\" And I, I just don\'t buy into

00:41:35.000 --> 00:41:39.999
that, I think it\'s so much about blaming yourself for
having cancer. It\'s enough already to have cancer

00:41:40.000 --> 00:41:44.999
without carrying that whole
load of what did I uhm, I\'m

00:41:45.000 --> 00:41:49.999
suffering and I did it to myself.

00:41:50.000 --> 00:41:54.999
Honestly, what I think caused
my breast cancer is you

00:41:55.000 --> 00:41:59.999
know, resentment and anger
kept inside, emotions kept

00:42:00.000 --> 00:42:04.999
inside and just I think over the years just

00:42:05.000 --> 00:42:09.999
manifested into something nasty.

00:42:10.000 --> 00:42:14.999
One of the first thing somebody said to
me was, \"Well, think positively, you

00:42:15.000 --> 00:42:19.999
know the laws of attraction, you\'re
gonna attract uhm, bad things if

00:42:20.000 --> 00:42:24.999
you think negatively.\" You know
I just want to scream, how

00:42:25.000 --> 00:42:29.999
can I not have a negative thought when
I\'ve had my right breast taken off.

00:42:30.000 --> 00:42:34.999
I don\'t know if they would spend
the money to look for the cause.

00:42:35.000 --> 00:42:39.999
They\'re so focused on the cure.
I think that there should

00:42:40.000 --> 00:42:44.999
be some search as to finding out why so

00:42:45.000 --> 00:42:49.999
many women are getting breast cancer.

00:42:50.000 --> 00:42:58.000
[music]

00:46:25.000 --> 00:46:29.999
Waiting. Fear. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting.

00:46:30.000 --> 00:46:34.999
Waiting. Fear. Fear. Ductal carcinoma
- Ductal carcinoma

00:46:35.000 --> 00:46:36.999
in situ. - in situ. Waiting.
Triple (inaudible)

00:46:37.000 --> 00:46:39.999
carcinoma

00:46:40.000 --> 00:46:44.999
HER2 positive. Triple... Ductal carcinoma
in situ. No History. Young people HER2

00:46:45.000 --> 00:46:49.999
positive. Young people. Environment.
No history Environment. Young stress.

00:46:50.000 --> 00:46:54.999
Non stress environment. Radial mastectomy.
Environment. Radial mastectomy. Radial...

00:46:55.000 --> 00:46:59.999
Waiting. Stress. Waiting. Breast tissue.
(inaudible)

00:47:00.000 --> 00:47:04.999
. Years(ph). Ductal
carcinoma in situ. Burns.

00:47:05.000 --> 00:47:09.999
Fear. HER2 negative. Ductal carcinoma
- Waiting. - in situ.

00:47:10.000 --> 00:47:14.999
Triple negative. HER2 positive. No

00:47:15.000 --> 00:47:19.999
history. Young people. No history.
Burn. Environment. Environment.

00:47:20.000 --> 00:47:24.999
Waiting. Stress. Radial mastectomy. Ductal
carcinoma in - Cheer. - situ. Both breasts.

00:47:25.000 --> 00:47:29.999
Ductal carcinoma in situ. Triple negative.
Triple negative

00:47:30.000 --> 00:47:34.999
HER2 positive Waiting. No history.
Young people. No history.

00:47:35.000 --> 00:47:39.999
Environment. Environment. Fear. Both breast.
Ductal carcinoma in situ. Radial mastectomy.

00:47:40.000 --> 00:47:44.999
Save my eggs. Radial mastectomy.
Triple negative. Both breast. Breast

00:47:45.000 --> 00:47:49.999
tissue. Type I. Breast tissue. Radial
mastectomy. Type II. Type III.

00:47:50.000 --> 00:47:54.999
What? Environment. Radial mastectomy.

00:47:55.000 --> 00:47:59.999
Save my eggs. Eggs in ice.
Breast tissue. Save

00:48:00.000 --> 00:48:04.999
my life. Save my eggs.

00:48:05.000 --> 00:48:09.999
Fertility. Burn. Egg pathology.

00:48:10.000 --> 00:48:14.999
Stage. Distant. Radiation. Type 1. Burn.
Save my eggs. Type 2. Primary.

00:48:15.000 --> 00:48:19.999
Skin. Type 3. Mammary node. Tumor size.

00:48:20.000 --> 00:48:24.999
Pathology. Type 3. Pathology. Secondary.
Tumor size. Pathology.

00:48:25.000 --> 00:48:29.999
Eggs on ice. Margin. Frozen fetus. Primary.

00:48:30.000 --> 00:48:34.999
Primary. Primary. Tumor. Node. Metastasis.
Metastasis. Metastasis.

00:48:35.000 --> 00:48:39.999
Mammary node. Mammary node. Mammary node.
Axillary node. Axillary node.

00:48:40.000 --> 00:48:44.999
Axillary node. Primary. Primary. Primary. Secondary.
Secondary. Secondary. Secondary. Distant.

00:48:45.000 --> 00:48:49.999
Distant. Mammary node. Axillary node.

00:48:50.000 --> 00:48:54.999
Primary. Secondary.

00:48:55.000 --> 00:48:59.999
Distant.

00:49:00.000 --> 00:49:04.999
Distant. Stage. HER2 positive.

00:49:05.000 --> 00:49:09.999
HER2 positive. HER2 positive. Wait.

00:49:10.000 --> 00:49:14.999
Wait. Wait. Axillary node.

00:49:15.000 --> 00:49:19.999
Wait. Wait. Wait.

00:49:20.000 --> 00:49:24.999
Wait. Wait. Wait.

00:49:25.000 --> 00:49:33.000
Wait. Wait. Wait.

00:49:55.000 --> 00:49:59.999
I think that

00:50:00.000 --> 00:50:04.999
the breast cancer definitely affected my
sexuality, I felt like a different person. I

00:50:05.000 --> 00:50:09.999
you know, and for years, my
real goal was to get well.

00:50:10.000 --> 00:50:14.999
I wasn\'t focused on myself at all.
I, I just didn\'t really care

00:50:15.000 --> 00:50:19.999
that I didn\'t look quite normal, I just
want it to be alive. You know, a kind of

00:50:20.000 --> 00:50:24.999
need to have both these breast
working, they\'re kind of ah, you need

00:50:25.000 --> 00:50:29.999
to pass by these two breast to
get to your third destination.

00:50:30.000 --> 00:50:34.999
And with, with one side not working
at all and taken away from that,

00:50:35.000 --> 00:50:39.999
i... it, it really makes getting to
that third place more difficult for me

00:50:40.000 --> 00:50:44.999
cuz I, I lose my... you know, it\'s
just not erotic. Uhm, right,

00:50:45.000 --> 00:50:49.999
right now I still feel as though I\'m a bit of
a freak. And I don\'t want to feel like that

00:50:50.000 --> 00:50:54.999
anymore. I, I want to be like
everybody else my age. Because I feel

00:50:55.000 --> 00:50:59.999
inadequate you know, uhm, ah, or I
maybe feel... would feel inadequate

00:51:00.000 --> 00:51:04.999
you know, if I dated. Uhm, the, the
possibility of having a, a breast

00:51:05.000 --> 00:51:09.999
reconstruction uhm, would probably make me feel
more comfortable. I\'m going to have another

00:51:10.000 --> 00:51:14.999
surgery and they\'re going to put in another
implant, and then after that they will do the

00:51:15.000 --> 00:51:19.999
tattooing so that when I look at myself in
the mirror, it looks as though I\'ve got two

00:51:20.000 --> 00:51:24.999
normal breasts and nobody will really know. There\'s so many fun things
in life I don\'t want to put myself in the role of a survivor, I want

00:51:25.000 --> 00:51:29.999
to put myself in the role
of someone who\'s living

00:51:30.000 --> 00:51:34.999
and you know, there really is still
life without breast. What it does is

00:51:35.000 --> 00:51:39.999
make you reevaluate your life and
set your priorities and a whole new

00:51:40.000 --> 00:51:44.999
world opens up. My dad was
always one to tell me that don\'t

00:51:45.000 --> 00:51:49.999
let anything get you down and ah,

00:51:50.000 --> 00:51:54.999
don\'t let it beat you.

00:51:55.000 --> 00:51:59.999
I feel that it\'s like a chronic

00:52:00.000 --> 00:52:04.999
disease for me. I\'m just gonna be
living my life with breast cancer. My

00:52:05.000 --> 00:52:09.999
chances of recurrence are hu... are...
They s... they\'re so high and I

00:52:10.000 --> 00:52:14.999
think, \"Well, what will I do?\" a...
And part of me thinks, I just say,

00:52:15.000 --> 00:52:19.999
forget it, I can\'t go through all of that again, I\'m
not going to do all of this again. I can\'t do chemo

00:52:20.000 --> 00:52:24.999
again. I thought mastectomy was
bad enough but the chemo just,

00:52:25.000 --> 00:52:29.999
uh, it was awful, it was the worst experience of
my entire life. But I think to myself that the,

00:52:30.000 --> 00:52:34.999
the will to live is so strong I know I wouldn\'t do
it all again. Being happy helps you live longer and

00:52:35.000 --> 00:52:39.999
helps you fight disease. So I plan on

00:52:40.000 --> 00:52:44.999
being happy, fighting disease, and
living longer. There is no crystal

00:52:45.000 --> 00:52:49.999
ball that says, \"Oh, this is the way your

00:52:50.000 --> 00:52:54.999
journey is gonna transpire, this is the
road it\'s gonna go down cuz no one

00:52:55.000 --> 00:52:59.999
knows.\"

00:53:00.000 --> 00:53:05.000
[music]