Toward Daylight

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Suicide crosses all human boundaries and alters the lives of everyone involved. While the help of a friend may be a phone call away, people in deep isolation have difficulty reaching out, often because they feel guilty and ashamed of their situation. TOWARD DAYLIGHT kindles the hope necessary for the living to face, and move on from, the pain and loss of suicide.

TOWARD DAYLIGHT combines the stories of five individuals struggling to cope with a variety of suicidal incidences. Some are finding hope after being abandoned in the most tragic way, while others have lived through their own attempt and are rebuilding a healthier life. Their stories are unique, but each person faces the difficulty of achieving a full recovery because of the anger, guilt, and stigma surrounding suicide.

MARC Record See Worldcat record

Keywords

suicide; suicide prevention; depression; bipolar; bi-polar; Psychiatry; Psychology; loss; grief; recovery; support; Community; Mental health; Public health; death and dying; documentary; film; video; DVD; "Toward Daylight"; Fanlight Films;

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00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:10.510 align:middle line:90%

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It\'s just a place there is no
color, there is no light,

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there\'s no looking forward
to the next day.

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I mean, you hear about kids
killing themselves all the

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time, but I was genuinely afraid
that he was going to

00:00:26.290 --> 00:00:30.980 align:middle line:84%
kill himself, and that I was
going to lose my best friend.

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Every day was a struggle for me
to make it through, to get

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to the next day-- the next
hour sometimes--

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and not think about, I
just want to give up.

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I just want to slip
into darkness.

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That suicide attempt was one of
probably one of the biggest

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turnarounds in my life that got
me to where I\'m at now.

00:00:52.780 --> 00:00:56.900 align:middle line:90%

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Do we believe that there
is a tomorrow?

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Do we believe that there is
hope and there is another

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opportunity?

00:01:03.170 --> 00:01:11.610 align:middle line:90%

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My brother Robert
was depressed.

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He\'s had a number of incidences
of depression in

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his adult life.

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He actually called me and
said, I\'m scared.

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I\'m scared because I think I\'m
getting depressed again.

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I put a lot of emphasis on
myself as being strong.

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If I admitted that I
was suicidal then I

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was no longer strong.

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I was visiting a friend and
I had gotten a phone call.

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And when I got there it was
discovered that my father was

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actually murdered.

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And it was an extremely
violent murder.

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I didn\'t know how to talk about
it except by myself.

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It was this very visceral,
emotional pain that--

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I just felt my soul
was bleeding.

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And I remember just the night
before, having to go back to

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school, just sitting and crying
because I didn\'t want

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to go back.

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I was really good friends with
Adam, starting in seventh

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grade, in junior high.

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And he really struggled with
bipolar disorder for one of

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his different illnesses.

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And he always would get angry
extremely easily, and he\'d

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always tell me about how mad
he would get at them, and

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different things like that.

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And I just saw it getting worse
and worse and worse.

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And obviously that made
me feel worse

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and worse and worse.

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I didn\'t really notice any
signs that my mom was

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emotionally struggling up until
maybe six months before

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everything started to go down.

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I knew intuitively something
was wrong.

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I remember telling my friends
and being like, something\'s

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wrong with my family.

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She was a very strong, outgoing,
funny, chipper

00:03:13.580 --> 00:03:16.450 align:middle line:90%
person usually.

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There was a time when I tried
to commit suicide.

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I kept my suicide attempt
secretive because I just

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didn\'t feel the need to share it
with anybody until probably

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about 10 or 12 years ago.

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I was just so angry and so
despondent and really, as I

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reflect back, really we
characterize it as I just had

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no sense of hope.

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Unfortunately people hear the
word depression and they

00:03:43.930 --> 00:03:48.220 align:middle line:84%
think, oh, you know,
you had a bad day.

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But it\'s like something nobody
can ever describe if they

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haven\'t been there.

00:03:56.450 --> 00:04:06.700 align:middle line:90%

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The day that he called me and he
said he had decided to take

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a medical leave, he
sounded so good.

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It was just a tremendous
relief.

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But he continued to feel bad.

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Being at school that fall was
feeling that, just feeling so

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disconnected from everyone,
that no one would ever

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understand how I was feeling.

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I came into the spring
semester.

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Things went really downhill at
that point because my mother

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passed away.

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Because my mom dying a year
and a half after my father

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died, I felt that everything
has been ripped away.

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And I was becoming severely,
severely depressed.

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And so it was easier to go to
the bar and party, and just

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escape from all of it.

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I was drinking quite a bit.

00:05:09.040 --> 00:05:10.240 align:middle line:90%
I was using cocaine.

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I was using speed, smoking
marijuana, LSD, you know, all

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sorts of things.

00:05:15.290 --> 00:05:26.000 align:middle line:90%

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At such a young age it was
actually really, really hard

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to cope with hearing your
friend talk about this.

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I mean you hear about kids
killing themselves all the

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time but I thought the way I
was acting towards him and

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helping him out, he wasn\'t going
to go to that point.

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Adam felt he was alone
in the world.

00:06:06.842 --> 00:06:09.520 align:middle line:90%

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You can\'t eat, you
can\'t sleep.

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If you sleep a little bit, then
you\'re up and nobody else

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is up, and you\'re
all by yourself.

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And it does feel like you\'re
all by yourself.

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I was very isolated.

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I was not talking about
anything, and I was starting

00:06:28.010 --> 00:06:32.220 align:middle line:84%
to become suicidal and
not wanting to live.

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I would have these transient
thoughts of well, maybe I\'m

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not good enough.

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Maybe there\'s something
wrong with me.

00:06:39.030 --> 00:06:42.260 align:middle line:84%
And then the disagreement that
I had with my girlfriend at

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the time just sort of
pushed me over the

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edge at that moment.

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My father who was a part-time
policeman, we always had guns

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in the house.

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And I took his revolver and I
was certain that I put six

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shells in the gun.

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I couldn\'t take the whole of
my father\'s murder, my

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mother\'s death.

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I was going to do it.

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I had a plan.

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I was going to say good-bye
to everyone.

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I was ending my life.

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He got some nerve pills from
somebody else and he just went

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home, drank the vodka and I
can\'t remember what he had.

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I think it was 20 pills.

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I was in sixth grade.

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It was New Year\'s Eve.

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She dropped us off.

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She drove back to our
house and then

00:07:34.420 --> 00:07:35.500 align:middle line:90%
she committed suicide.

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And I was certain that I put
six shells in the gun.

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And I pulled the trigger
and I hear there

00:07:42.820 --> 00:07:45.310 align:middle line:90%
was an empty cylinder.

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And I remember being extremely
angry at my friends.

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They came into the bar and all
of them just started telling

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me how much they love me.

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And I was so pissed
off at them!

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I was so mad!

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Because they stopped me.

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I mean they saved my life.

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Somebody found him as he was
collapsing and they got him to

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the hospital.

00:08:08.120 --> 00:08:09.860 align:middle line:90%

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My sister-in-law called
me and said, have

00:08:12.700 --> 00:08:14.670 align:middle line:90%
you heard from Robert.

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He\'s been gone for a number
of hours and I\'m

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at the police station.

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Then she called me within an
hour and she said he\'s gone.

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She said that he had gone
out for a run, and

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he didn\'t come back.

00:08:30.090 --> 00:08:34.190 align:middle line:90%

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Since then I\'ve learned that
he jumped off a bridge.

00:08:39.340 --> 00:08:42.860 align:middle line:90%

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I thought that I could convince
her to stay alive.

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I thought that she loved me
enough to not leave me.

00:08:50.550 --> 00:09:00.150 align:middle line:90%

00:09:00.150 --> 00:09:03.920 align:middle line:84%
I really didn\'t think about my
family that much or the impact

00:09:03.920 --> 00:09:04.820 align:middle line:90%
that it would be.

00:09:04.820 --> 00:09:08.450 align:middle line:84%
When I did this I had my younger
brother in the room

00:09:08.450 --> 00:09:11.320 align:middle line:84%
and my younger brother
has Down Syndrome.

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And, when I close my eyes, I can
still remember his facial

00:09:15.910 --> 00:09:20.170 align:middle line:84%
expressions when the hammer of
the gun clicked, and I can see

00:09:20.170 --> 00:09:21.100 align:middle line:90%
his eyes blink.

00:09:21.100 --> 00:09:25.750 align:middle line:84%
And for a moment I literally
thought how dare I do

00:09:25.750 --> 00:09:30.220 align:middle line:84%
something like this when there
is my brother who, for all

00:09:30.220 --> 00:09:32.810 align:middle line:84%
intents and purposes,
is unable to

00:09:32.810 --> 00:09:34.490 align:middle line:90%
control any of his destiny.

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Each one of them took me alone
and said I love you.

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Your life was worth something
and we all love you

00:09:42.085 --> 00:09:44.135 align:middle line:90%
and care for you.

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And I just couldn\'t do it.

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I just couldn\'t follow through
with what I had planned to do.

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I was actually more upset that
he didn\'t tell me about his

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thoughts beforehand than
I was being mad at him

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for actually trying.

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She had her own feelings in mind
and my feelings in mind

00:10:02.510 --> 00:10:05.240 align:middle line:84%
at the time, whenever she had
to decide that she was going

00:10:05.240 --> 00:10:06.620 align:middle line:90%
to leave me.

00:10:06.620 --> 00:10:11.750 align:middle line:84%
And when it came down to it,
her own feelings came above

00:10:11.750 --> 00:10:13.220 align:middle line:90%
everyone else\'s.

00:10:13.220 --> 00:10:15.780 align:middle line:84%
And they were just
too much to bear.

00:10:15.780 --> 00:10:17.200 align:middle line:90%
I felt like I was torn apart.

00:10:17.200 --> 00:10:20.410 align:middle line:90%

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I couldn\'t believe
that he was gone.

00:10:24.910 --> 00:10:28.840 align:middle line:84%
There\'s so much pain
when somebody

00:10:28.840 --> 00:10:31.120 align:middle line:90%
has made that decision.

00:10:31.120 --> 00:10:33.235 align:middle line:90%
They\'re in so much pain.

00:10:33.235 --> 00:10:35.637 align:middle line:84%
They just want that
pain to be over.

00:10:35.637 --> 00:10:52.700 align:middle line:90%

00:10:52.700 --> 00:10:56.620 align:middle line:84%
We have a family history
of depression.

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I had been saving up all
kinds of medications.

00:11:01.520 --> 00:11:07.890 align:middle line:84%
I called in sick to work that
day and then I took all those

00:11:07.890 --> 00:11:11.945 align:middle line:84%
medications and then
I laid down.

00:11:11.945 --> 00:11:16.110 align:middle line:84%
And my husband and daughter
found me at

00:11:16.110 --> 00:11:17.210 align:middle line:90%
the end of the day.

00:11:17.210 --> 00:11:21.590 align:middle line:84%
By 5 o\'clock they said, well
if it didn\'t kill her, it\'s

00:11:21.590 --> 00:11:22.970 align:middle line:90%
too late to pump her stomach.

00:11:22.970 --> 00:11:24.390 align:middle line:90%
It\'s already gone through her.

00:11:24.390 --> 00:11:29.510 align:middle line:90%

00:11:29.510 --> 00:11:36.860 align:middle line:84%
If somebody is unsuccessful
they\'re really, really lucky.

00:11:36.860 --> 00:11:42.160 align:middle line:90%

00:11:42.160 --> 00:11:45.390 align:middle line:84%
Adam stopped having such
suicidal tendencies actually

00:11:45.390 --> 00:11:46.550 align:middle line:90%
after he tried.

00:11:46.550 --> 00:11:50.220 align:middle line:84%
I think he just saw that there
is love around him and that he

00:11:50.220 --> 00:11:51.470 align:middle line:90%
just didn\'t see it before.

00:11:51.470 --> 00:11:54.430 align:middle line:90%

00:11:54.430 --> 00:11:57.120 align:middle line:90%
Life is color.

00:11:57.120 --> 00:11:58.950 align:middle line:90%
And depression is no color.

00:11:58.950 --> 00:12:03.650 align:middle line:90%

00:12:03.650 --> 00:12:07.730 align:middle line:84%
I finally graduated from
Albright and I\'ve worked in

00:12:07.730 --> 00:12:09.830 align:middle line:90%
mental health since then.

00:12:09.830 --> 00:12:12.980 align:middle line:84%
I have all of this experience
behind me of what happened to

00:12:12.980 --> 00:12:18.080 align:middle line:84%
me, and that if I truly believe
in recovery for a

00:12:18.080 --> 00:12:21.560 align:middle line:84%
person then I should have the
ability to stand up and tell

00:12:21.560 --> 00:12:25.860 align:middle line:84%
my own story, and tell what
happened to me, and not be

00:12:25.860 --> 00:12:28.920 align:middle line:84%
embarrassed by it, and not
be affected by stigma.

00:12:28.920 --> 00:12:31.060 align:middle line:90%
Yes, I\'ve been there.

00:12:31.060 --> 00:12:32.300 align:middle line:90%
And I\'ve come through this.

00:12:32.300 --> 00:12:35.330 align:middle line:90%
I\'ve come through darkness.

00:12:35.330 --> 00:12:39.020 align:middle line:84%
It really helped to bring me to
an awakening that I was--

00:12:39.020 --> 00:12:42.550 align:middle line:84%
for me it was a very selfish
act on my part.

00:12:42.550 --> 00:12:47.580 align:middle line:84%
And that I need to really look
at the impact that I cause

00:12:47.580 --> 00:12:49.330 align:middle line:90%
other people by my actions.

00:12:49.330 --> 00:12:53.570 align:middle line:84%
And after it happened, for five
years I was cut off from

00:12:53.570 --> 00:12:56.030 align:middle line:90%
any type of grieving at all.

00:12:56.030 --> 00:12:58.730 align:middle line:84%
I mean, I didn\'t
talk about it.

00:12:58.730 --> 00:13:03.110 align:middle line:84%
Reaching out to people and
simply talking about it was

00:13:03.110 --> 00:13:04.610 align:middle line:90%
the part that got me back up.

00:13:04.610 --> 00:13:07.600 align:middle line:90%

00:13:07.600 --> 00:13:11.540 align:middle line:84%
I had one friend that kept
calling me, I mean, from work

00:13:11.540 --> 00:13:13.360 align:middle line:84%
that, you know, she
kept calling.

00:13:13.360 --> 00:13:16.380 align:middle line:84%
It was like, the world
is calling you.

00:13:16.380 --> 00:13:19.600 align:middle line:90%

00:13:19.600 --> 00:13:23.070 align:middle line:84%
I need to talk to somebody but
I don\'t know who to talk to.

00:13:23.070 --> 00:13:31.470 align:middle line:84%
And I felt like I just didn\'t
have resources that I needed.

00:13:31.470 --> 00:13:36.020 align:middle line:84%
So I decided I was going to do
something about it, and we

00:13:36.020 --> 00:13:38.581 align:middle line:84%
started the first walk
as a result of that.

00:13:38.581 --> 00:13:47.850 align:middle line:90%

00:13:47.850 --> 00:13:50.480 align:middle line:84%
Unfortunately we have had
successful attempts here and

00:13:50.480 --> 00:13:51.660 align:middle line:90%
it is a reality.

00:13:51.660 --> 00:13:54.740 align:middle line:84%
Most of, actually, our first
responder calls are someone

00:13:54.740 --> 00:13:56.930 align:middle line:84%
who may have attempted
suicide.

00:13:56.930 --> 00:14:01.550 align:middle line:84%
Quite frankly law enforcement
suicide rates are pretty high.

00:14:01.550 --> 00:14:05.790 align:middle line:84%
More officers die from suicide
than they do from a line of

00:14:05.790 --> 00:14:08.422 align:middle line:90%
duty death.

00:14:08.422 --> 00:14:12.630 align:middle line:84%
No life is immune to this,
regardless of status, economic

00:14:12.630 --> 00:14:15.650 align:middle line:90%
ability, or where you live.

00:14:15.650 --> 00:14:19.810 align:middle line:84%
Suicide does not touch people
just at geographic locations.

00:14:19.810 --> 00:14:20.460 align:middle line:90%
And what we--

00:14:20.460 --> 00:14:23.680 align:middle line:84%
Age is not a barrier
to suicide.

00:14:23.680 --> 00:14:25.980 align:middle line:84%
One of the things I found a lot
as coroner is our senior

00:14:25.980 --> 00:14:30.300 align:middle line:84%
population oftentimes
is a high suicidal

00:14:30.300 --> 00:14:34.145 align:middle line:90%
risk rate as well.

00:14:34.145 --> 00:14:39.690 align:middle line:84%
At 9 o\'clock this morning we had
882 registered walkers who

00:14:39.690 --> 00:14:43.210 align:middle line:84%
have come out to help us bring
depression and suicide out of

00:14:43.210 --> 00:14:45.010 align:middle line:90%
the darkness.

00:14:45.010 --> 00:14:48.188 align:middle line:84%
Your support for mental health
is overwhelming.

00:14:48.188 --> 00:14:49.900 align:middle line:90%
Thank you.

00:14:49.900 --> 00:14:54.950 align:middle line:84%
Being a survivor of suicide
really has a special kind of

00:14:54.950 --> 00:14:59.410 align:middle line:84%
grief that\'s harder, I think,
than regular grief connected

00:14:59.410 --> 00:15:03.480 align:middle line:90%
to a death by a heart attack.

00:15:03.480 --> 00:15:08.630 align:middle line:84%
We\'ve offered opportunities for
people to make this issue

00:15:08.630 --> 00:15:14.350 align:middle line:84%
visible, to take the shame
from it, to celebrate the

00:15:14.350 --> 00:15:16.240 align:middle line:84%
lives of the people
that they\'ve lost.

00:15:16.240 --> 00:15:39.940 align:middle line:90%

00:15:39.940 --> 00:15:42.090 align:middle line:84%
It may seem like your world
is crashing down.

00:15:42.090 --> 00:15:44.600 align:middle line:84%
It may seem like you\'re
drowning, like you\'re

00:15:44.600 --> 00:15:45.190 align:middle line:90%
struggling.

00:15:45.190 --> 00:15:50.320 align:middle line:84%
But there\'s tomorrow and there
is a whole cadre of people out

00:15:50.320 --> 00:15:53.490 align:middle line:84%
there who are ready to help and
who are willing to help.

00:15:53.490 --> 00:15:58.620 align:middle line:90%

00:15:58.620 --> 00:16:00.830 align:middle line:90%
And everyone has stuff.

00:16:00.830 --> 00:16:03.510 align:middle line:84%
No one gets out of
life unscathed.

00:16:03.510 --> 00:16:04.500 align:middle line:90%
They don\'t.

00:16:04.500 --> 00:16:06.940 align:middle line:84%
And it\'s part of life
and what you do with

00:16:06.940 --> 00:16:08.350 align:middle line:90%
it is what\'s important.

00:16:08.350 --> 00:16:10.020 align:middle line:90%
Life is really worth living.

00:16:10.020 --> 00:16:12.260 align:middle line:90%
It\'s going to get better.

00:16:12.260 --> 00:16:17.790 align:middle line:84%
I\'m proof that you
can get better.

00:16:17.790 --> 00:16:19.140 align:middle line:90%
There\'s another opportunity.

00:16:19.140 --> 00:16:20.300 align:middle line:90%
There is another day.

00:16:20.300 --> 00:16:21.260 align:middle line:90%
There\'s another way.

00:16:21.260 --> 00:16:22.510 align:middle line:90%
There is hope.

00:16:22.510 --> 00:16:31.460 align:middle line:90%

00:16:31.460 --> 00:17:57.453 align:middle line:90%