00:00.968 --> 00:03.270
[gentle bright music]

00:05.205 --> 00:07.140
[singer humming]

00:20.988 --> 00:23.790
[slow gentle bright music]

00:26.260 --> 00:27.494
[children laughing]

00:30.931 --> 00:32.366
[child squawks]

00:34.201 --> 00:35.302
Huh?

00:41.608 --> 00:43.176
[Reed]
This is my half-brother, Sam.

00:43.310 --> 00:44.778
[Sam giggling]

00:46.013 --> 00:48.982
We have different moms,
but the same dad.

00:49.116 --> 00:50.550
[Jared]
This is our dad.

00:51.184 --> 00:53.320
-Say hi, Dad.
-Hi.

00:53.987 --> 00:55.889
[Reed]
Instead of home movies
of birthday parties

00:56.023 --> 01:00.260
or baseball games,
our home movies look like this.

01:00.394 --> 01:01.261
[child groaning]

01:01.395 --> 01:02.396
[children shrieking]

01:02.529 --> 01:04.464
[slow gentle music continues]

01:06.533 --> 01:09.803
Don't kill me,
I got a wife and family.
Please, come on.

01:09.937 --> 01:11.505
[Reed]
We were making it up
as we went along.

01:11.638 --> 01:14.374
No scripts,
no director, just a game.

01:14.508 --> 01:16.276
[family member]
Go, go, go. Go!

01:16.410 --> 01:18.478
You can do it. This is it.

01:19.046 --> 01:20.547
[Sam groaning and giggling]

01:20.681 --> 01:22.983
[Reed]
Sam was like this cartoon.

01:23.784 --> 01:27.154
He was always taking falls
and then bouncing right back up.

01:27.287 --> 01:28.889
[Sam shrieking]

01:29.022 --> 01:30.157
[Jim]
Everybody say hi.

01:30.290 --> 01:31.224
-Hi.
-Hi.

01:31.358 --> 01:32.993
-[Jim] Hi.
-Ah!

01:33.126 --> 01:34.895
[Jim]
Whoa. [laughs]

01:35.028 --> 01:36.697
Sam just fell out of his chair.

01:37.230 --> 01:38.665
[Reed]
We called him Candy Bones.

01:38.799 --> 01:40.834
I love my swing.

01:40.968 --> 01:43.370
It's indestructible. [screams]

01:43.503 --> 01:44.905
[Jared]
Oh my God.

01:45.339 --> 01:46.740
[film projector rattling]

01:46.873 --> 01:48.942
[Reed]
When I was 18 and Sam was 11,

01:49.076 --> 01:51.712
I found a Super 8 camera
in my dad's garage.

01:53.347 --> 01:55.649
I wanted to try
to make real films.

01:56.216 --> 01:59.386
[gentle music]

02:01.121 --> 02:03.256
I saw that Sam
wasn't doing anything.

02:03.390 --> 02:06.360
He was just sitting there
on the floor
playing video games.

02:09.029 --> 02:11.665
So I lured him away
by promising him a yo-yo.

02:12.532 --> 02:14.568
-[singer vocalizing]
-[slow gentle bright music]

02:14.935 --> 02:17.771
Our first film
was calledSam One.

02:26.646 --> 02:28.315
And we kept going with it.

02:29.516 --> 02:32.252
I would pick up Sam
from school or his mom's house,

02:33.420 --> 02:37.858
and we'd drive all around
Seattle filming "Sam" movies.

02:38.525 --> 02:41.261
♪ La, la, la, la, la ♪

02:41.395 --> 02:43.663
♪ La, la, la, la, la ♪

02:43.797 --> 02:46.533
♪ La, la, la, la, la ♪

02:46.666 --> 02:49.236
♪ La, la, la, la, la ♪

02:49.369 --> 02:51.471
♪ La, la, la, la, la ♪

02:52.139 --> 02:54.274
[Reed]
We would drive
as far as we could,

02:54.408 --> 02:56.276
shoot and sleep at a rest stop.

02:57.344 --> 03:00.981
We were always running
out of film or gas or sunlight.

03:01.114 --> 03:02.516
♪ La, la, la ♪

03:02.649 --> 03:06.520
♪ La, la, la, la
la, la, la, la, la ♪

03:06.653 --> 03:07.988
[Reed]
Neither of us had any idea

03:08.121 --> 03:09.089
that this would become

03:09.222 --> 03:10.390
a lifelong collaboration,

03:11.591 --> 03:13.026
or that our movies
would become a key

03:13.160 --> 03:15.896
to unlocking the biggest
mystery of our family.

03:16.963 --> 03:18.331
[train rattling]

03:25.038 --> 03:26.973
[upbeat music]

03:37.384 --> 03:39.386
♪ Into dark waters flow ♪

03:39.519 --> 03:40.787
♪ Bad dreams of long ago ♪

03:40.921 --> 03:43.423
♪ Children who never knew ♪

03:43.557 --> 03:45.292
♪ What doors would open to ♪

03:45.425 --> 03:47.327
♪ Flights taking weary souls ♪

03:47.461 --> 03:49.362
♪ Life shakes of bitter cold ♪

03:49.496 --> 03:51.198
♪ Love tears on golden shores ♪

03:51.331 --> 03:56.336
♪ Teenaged, no more, yeah ♪

04:02.142 --> 04:03.677
[music ceases]

04:05.979 --> 04:07.514
[Reed]
One Christmas,
we were talking about

04:07.647 --> 04:09.082
what our next film would be.

04:10.283 --> 04:13.120
Sam had all these ideas
involving his alter ego,

04:13.253 --> 04:14.921
the Blue Panther.

04:15.055 --> 04:16.490
[panther snarling]

04:16.623 --> 04:19.025
And how he'd be battling
these evil twin robots

04:19.526 --> 04:20.827
played by
an actual pair of twins

04:20.961 --> 04:23.130
who divide into
another pair of twins

04:23.263 --> 04:24.831
with trick photography.

04:24.965 --> 04:26.032
[upbeat music]

04:27.968 --> 04:29.536
He just kept going on and on,

04:29.669 --> 04:30.971
but all I could hear was,

04:31.104 --> 04:33.473
"And then, and then, and then."

04:36.676 --> 04:38.645
Usually I loved Sam's ideas,

04:39.179 --> 04:41.047
but there was
something bothering me.

04:41.181 --> 04:44.351
Something that nobody in our
family wanted to talk about.

04:45.218 --> 04:46.853
[gentle upbeat music]

04:51.358 --> 04:55.262
Two and a half years earlier,
Sam's mom disappeared.

04:55.395 --> 04:57.230
[slow bright music]

04:57.364 --> 05:00.066
She left town
without telling any of us.

05:00.200 --> 05:04.638
There was no note, no address,
no way of contacting her.

05:05.205 --> 05:06.740
She was just gone.

05:12.078 --> 05:14.714
♪ Damn you ♪

05:16.683 --> 05:19.920
♪ I know you're changing ♪

05:20.954 --> 05:22.389
[Reed]
Everyone assumed
she'd come back.

05:22.522 --> 05:23.623
♪ God damn you ♪

05:23.757 --> 05:25.192
But she didn't come back.

05:25.859 --> 05:27.827
She didn't call or write either.

05:29.896 --> 05:31.765
It stayed like that for years.

05:32.232 --> 05:34.134
And I was really worried
for my brother.

05:34.834 --> 05:37.704
Nobody was doing anything
or even talking about it.

05:40.340 --> 05:42.242
So I'm listening to Sam
tell me how the Blue Panther

05:42.375 --> 05:45.478
is gonna dismantle
some quintuplet robots.

05:46.880 --> 05:48.815
And without
even thinking, I say,

05:50.584 --> 05:52.786
"How about
the Blue Panther finds his mom?"

05:54.321 --> 05:56.356
[birds chirping]

05:56.489 --> 05:57.991
[wind whooshing]

05:58.124 --> 06:00.560
This had to be
a painful subject for Sam.

06:02.462 --> 06:04.064
But really I had no idea,

06:04.531 --> 06:06.700
because he never
wanted to talk about it.

06:10.804 --> 06:12.572
Sam looked serious,

06:14.874 --> 06:17.177
but then he nodded
and said just one word.

06:17.777 --> 06:20.847
[gentle dramatic music]

06:20.981 --> 06:21.948
"Yeah."

06:23.383 --> 06:25.885
So that's where we begin.

06:26.019 --> 06:28.688
[phone beeping]

06:29.556 --> 06:31.725
[phone line ringing]

06:32.592 --> 06:35.895
[gentle spirited music]

06:37.430 --> 06:38.832
-[Sam]Hello?
-[Reed]Sam.

06:38.965 --> 06:40.267
-[Sam]Reed?
-[Reed]Hey.

06:40.400 --> 06:41.635
[Sam]
What are you doing?

06:41.768 --> 06:43.270
-[Reed]I'm calling you.
-[Sam]Why?

06:43.403 --> 06:44.671
[Reed]
I've been thinking
more seriously

06:44.804 --> 06:46.773
about finding Jois.

06:46.906 --> 06:48.341
-[Sam]Seriously?
-[Reed]Seriously.

06:48.842 --> 06:50.844
-Do you wanna do it?
-[Sam]I want to do it.
I'm down.

06:50.977 --> 06:53.647
I need to find a break though,
like, mid-winter break.

06:53.780 --> 06:56.516
[Reed]
Okay, 'cause I was thinking
about, um, you know,

06:56.650 --> 06:59.786
starting the process by, like,
interviewing people,

06:59.919 --> 07:01.354
-you know?
-[Sam]That's a good idea, dude.

07:01.788 --> 07:03.823
[Reed]
Like, I was just gonna do
some initial interview,

07:03.957 --> 07:06.893
like, maybe with,
like, Dad or you or Jared.

07:07.027 --> 07:09.362
And then also, you know,
maybe if you wanted to do

07:09.496 --> 07:10.897
some interviewing, you know?

07:11.031 --> 07:12.232
[Sam]
I think that it's better

07:12.365 --> 07:13.633
if you did the interviewing,

07:13.767 --> 07:14.768
'cause, I mean,
it'd be harder for them

07:14.901 --> 07:17.370
to say exactly how they feel

07:17.504 --> 07:19.606
about me and my mother.

07:19.739 --> 07:21.174
[Reed]
Oh, good point. You're right.

07:22.275 --> 07:24.978
Sam's mid-winter break
was less than a month away.

07:26.279 --> 07:30.150
If we wanted to find her, we had
to gather some information.

07:33.520 --> 07:34.688
Ha!

07:37.490 --> 07:39.959
[Sam vocalizing]

07:42.595 --> 07:43.697
[Reed]
Why don't you tell me

07:43.830 --> 07:46.566
the whole story
of what happened?

07:46.700 --> 07:48.335
-The whole story?
-Yeah.

07:49.069 --> 07:51.404
Okay, let's see.
It's three years ago, right?

07:51.838 --> 07:55.041
Freshman year, maybe
a week before school starts

07:55.175 --> 07:59.913
freshman year for high school
for me, she disappears.

08:02.182 --> 08:03.616
[soft music]

08:03.750 --> 08:07.220
That winter, she comes
back during winter break,

08:07.354 --> 08:08.855
and then she leaves again.

08:09.756 --> 08:11.958
That's the last we saw her,
is that winter.

08:14.394 --> 08:16.629
[Reed]
Did she ever take you aside
before she left,

08:16.763 --> 08:20.133
and did she say goodbye, or?

08:20.266 --> 08:22.836
No, she didn't
say goodbye that time.

08:25.839 --> 08:28.975
[soft music continues]

08:32.679 --> 08:34.914
[Sam]
She didn't do
a bad job raising me,

08:35.048 --> 08:36.850
I don't think, at least.

08:38.118 --> 08:40.253
She definitely babied me.

08:40.820 --> 08:43.857
I was the youngest
of three brothers.

08:44.290 --> 08:48.094
I felt like I was so special
around her and she would dance

08:48.228 --> 08:50.563
to music with me
on her shoulders.

08:56.236 --> 09:00.306
[Reed]
Here's our dad Randy, Sam,
me and Jois.

09:00.440 --> 09:03.143
My dad and Jois married
when I was five years old

09:03.276 --> 09:07.580
and had two children
shortly after, Sam and Jared.

09:07.714 --> 09:09.416
[somber music]

09:10.383 --> 09:12.852
They divorced when my brothers
were little kids.

09:12.986 --> 09:14.687
And Sam and Jared had a routine

09:14.821 --> 09:16.356
of going
between their two houses.

09:16.489 --> 09:18.124
Hee-hee. Uh, what are you--

09:18.258 --> 09:20.226
What are you doing
with the ba-- Ow!

09:20.627 --> 09:22.996
The name's Jond.

09:24.297 --> 09:26.099
Bames Jond.

09:28.768 --> 09:30.136
[Reed]
Jois would drive across town

09:30.270 --> 09:32.038
to bring the boys
to school each morning.

09:32.672 --> 09:34.207
She was a part of everything,

09:34.340 --> 09:36.543
always helping with
homework, home-cooked meals.

09:36.676 --> 09:38.111
And she was super encouraging

09:38.244 --> 09:40.079
with the film making
Sam and I were doing.

09:41.381 --> 09:42.916
It was all very normal.

09:43.817 --> 09:47.420
[slow melancholic music]

09:48.221 --> 09:50.256
We had not a clue
where she was.

09:50.790 --> 09:52.125
Not one single clue.

09:52.258 --> 09:54.160
[Jim]
And Jois is here and Sam.

09:54.294 --> 09:55.695
Hi.

09:56.429 --> 09:58.198
[Doris]
Once in a while,

09:58.331 --> 09:59.966
you'll hear about
a mother abandoning

10:00.099 --> 10:03.136
her children like this,
but it's so rare.

10:03.269 --> 10:05.038
-[Jim laughing]
-[woman 1] Hi.

10:05.171 --> 10:07.073
[Jim]
Oh, oh, Cindy's here.
She made it.

10:07.207 --> 10:09.075
This is really
peculiar for Jois.

10:09.209 --> 10:10.977
We can understand
kinda going away

10:11.110 --> 10:13.379
and needing
that break from children

10:13.513 --> 10:15.482
and husbands and everything.

10:15.615 --> 10:17.150
That would be wonderful.

10:17.784 --> 10:21.921
But now to go away permanently,
and nobody knows anything.

10:22.055 --> 10:23.857
I'm kinda scared now.

10:23.990 --> 10:25.792
I'm wondering if Jois is okay.

10:25.925 --> 10:28.628
You know, has somebody
done something with her?

10:29.362 --> 10:32.732
At the time
that she disappeared,

10:32.866 --> 10:35.034
she was one of
my closest friends.

10:35.869 --> 10:37.403
I just remember being shocked

10:37.537 --> 10:40.340
at how nobody seemed
to know what was going on,

10:40.473 --> 10:42.742
and it was just kinda scary.

10:42.876 --> 10:45.445
[slow melancholic music]

10:45.578 --> 10:47.347
She needed to be dead or alive,

10:47.480 --> 10:50.683
and I really wasn't sure
what had happened.

10:54.988 --> 10:57.991
[Reed]
So our family files
a missing persons report.

10:59.492 --> 11:01.060
One day,
a police detective called us

11:01.194 --> 11:02.662
and told us they found her.

11:03.329 --> 11:07.233
"She's okay. She's not
being held against her will.

11:08.067 --> 11:10.904
And she doesn't
wanna talk to any of you."

11:16.409 --> 11:18.211
[somber music]

11:38.531 --> 11:39.832
Do you miss your mom?

11:41.301 --> 11:42.802
Uh, yeah?

11:43.603 --> 11:46.272
Yeah. [chuckles]
I mean, I can't, I don't know,

11:46.406 --> 11:49.042
like, it's not like something
I think about all the time.

11:49.542 --> 11:52.445
It's only thought about when
like problems are brought up.

11:52.579 --> 11:53.446
[Reed]
Like what?

11:53.580 --> 11:55.214
Like, "Where's my mom?"

11:55.715 --> 11:58.484
Like, I mean, it's just
like problems, like Jared.

12:00.320 --> 12:02.755
[Reed]
Jared was the star student
in our family.

12:03.556 --> 12:06.626
But after Jois left,
he stopped going to school,

12:06.759 --> 12:09.128
missing 80 days in one semester.

12:10.697 --> 12:12.932
And even after
switching to a new school,

12:13.366 --> 12:15.001
he was still
struggling to graduate.

12:15.668 --> 12:17.103
Do you think that your life
would be different

12:17.236 --> 12:19.272
if your mom was still around?

12:20.006 --> 12:22.008
Probably would've
graduated by now,

12:23.076 --> 12:23.977
for one thing.

12:25.178 --> 12:27.747
When Jois left,
Jared pretty much shut down.

12:28.147 --> 12:30.216
Basically, he just stopped
coming to school for, like,

12:30.683 --> 12:33.820
uh, like, there was like a good
two or three-month period where,

12:33.953 --> 12:36.422
you know, you would see him
maybe once a week, you know,

12:36.556 --> 12:38.057
and I'd go to his house
and I'd just be like,

12:38.191 --> 12:39.592
"Okay, you know,
where the hell were you today?

12:39.726 --> 12:41.628
And why didn't you come
to school, and whatever?"

12:42.161 --> 12:44.397
He'd just be sitting in
his boxers watching, like,

12:44.530 --> 12:47.400
you know,Jenny Jones
orTwin Peaksor something.

12:47.533 --> 12:49.268
[soft music]

12:50.203 --> 12:52.205
[Sam]
I see him maybe
three times a week.

12:52.338 --> 12:54.540
Like, at the most
three times a week.

12:55.074 --> 12:57.076
When Jared leaves,
he's leaving me

12:57.210 --> 12:58.678
to deal with it on my own.

12:59.178 --> 13:01.381
It's not a good feeling,
knowing that you can't, like,

13:01.514 --> 13:04.250
-rely on your brother
for this kind of stuff.
-Mm-hmm.

13:07.954 --> 13:10.323
[Reed]
Up till then,
my brothers were inseparable.

13:11.791 --> 13:13.459
They were like this little team.

13:16.562 --> 13:18.364
[Sam and Jared laughing]

13:23.069 --> 13:24.737
[Reed]
What kind of effect
do you think this has had

13:24.871 --> 13:26.639
on, on you, on your life?

13:27.440 --> 13:29.208
[Sam]
At first,
I always wanted to believe

13:29.342 --> 13:30.643
that it was a positive effect,

13:30.777 --> 13:32.478
like, of me
becoming independent.

13:32.612 --> 13:34.614
And then I started
thinking that, like, Jared,

13:34.747 --> 13:37.617
like, his life was
totally just slowed down by it.

13:42.889 --> 13:44.590
And me, like,
nothing was happening to me.

13:44.724 --> 13:46.559
That's why I kind
of got scared. I was like,

13:46.693 --> 13:48.494
"Wait, should I really be
feeling something about it?"

13:48.628 --> 13:51.464
I mean, it seems natural
that I should feel sad

13:51.597 --> 13:55.468
or just miss her a lot,
and I wasn't feeling it.

13:57.170 --> 13:58.671
Like, nothing's
affecting me, like,

13:58.805 --> 14:01.641
I could talk about it
and just laugh it off.

14:01.774 --> 14:04.143
[somber music continues]

14:04.277 --> 14:07.680
And see, I do that with Jared,
and Jared got really
angry with me

14:07.814 --> 14:10.216
when we were
having this conversation.

14:11.350 --> 14:13.820
I mean, us together
dealing with it

14:13.953 --> 14:15.421
is out of the question now.

14:15.555 --> 14:17.390
-[Reed]You've given up on him?
-[Sam]Yeah.

14:19.325 --> 14:20.660
It's not our problem anymore.

14:20.793 --> 14:22.028
It's like an individual problem

14:22.161 --> 14:23.429
for both of us now.

14:25.965 --> 14:28.501
[soft music continues]

14:35.074 --> 14:38.177
-[Jim] And off we go,
mission accomplished.
-[child babbling]

14:38.845 --> 14:41.647
[family chattering]

14:42.915 --> 14:44.283
[Jim]
There's Auntie Jois.

14:44.417 --> 14:46.619
-[Jared] Hello.
-[Jim] Oh, hi, there's Jared.

14:46.753 --> 14:48.688
Now you remember this
pose from our last video

14:48.821 --> 14:50.523
at the last birthday party.

14:50.656 --> 14:54.060
[Reed]
Why do you think that
Jois didn't talk to you guys?

14:54.727 --> 14:56.028
I have no idea.

15:04.871 --> 15:06.439
[Reed]
Do you ever feel like...

15:07.173 --> 15:09.208
...she doesn't care
about you guys anymore?

15:10.476 --> 15:13.179
Sometimes, but it just,
I don't know.

15:13.312 --> 15:15.214
It doesn't really
make sense to me...

15:16.783 --> 15:18.785
...'cause she never
really seemed that way ever.

15:19.819 --> 15:23.256
Like it just doesn't,
it doesn't fit her.

15:26.192 --> 15:29.228
[Jim]
Oh, Jois. Hi.

15:30.029 --> 15:32.498
Isn't that beautiful?

15:33.766 --> 15:35.935
[Reed]
The Harkness family
is close-knit.

15:36.736 --> 15:39.071
Everyone lives nearby and sees
each other all the time.

15:39.205 --> 15:41.107
[lively music playing]

15:41.240 --> 15:42.775
The adults are all teachers

15:42.909 --> 15:45.111
and involved in
early childhood development.

15:45.711 --> 15:48.881
But even with all that,
no one was equipped for this.

15:49.015 --> 15:53.052
When Jois first left,
we just sort of let things lie.

15:53.186 --> 15:56.389
We didn't, um, bring it up.

15:56.522 --> 15:58.958
We, we didn't console them
because we were

15:59.091 --> 16:02.929
under the impression that
they were not to talk about it.

16:03.596 --> 16:06.098
[Reed]
How do you feel
about the way that, uh,

16:06.232 --> 16:08.868
the whole situation
with Jois and Jared

16:09.001 --> 16:10.536
and Sam has been dealt with?

16:12.038 --> 16:13.639
Hasn't really been dealt with.

16:14.574 --> 16:16.876
Just seems like malicious
to those guys.

16:17.410 --> 16:19.745
Like, just the harm
she is doing to them

16:19.879 --> 16:22.982
is gonna affect them
for their whole lives.

16:23.115 --> 16:26.552
I would check in with the kids
and it was very difficult

16:26.686 --> 16:30.489
because I didn't
wanna step on toes

16:30.623 --> 16:34.460
and I didn't wanna
make the situation worse.

16:36.395 --> 16:39.498
I would talk to Randy, and he,

16:40.466 --> 16:42.702
and he-- I think Randy's
in denial.

16:42.835 --> 16:47.206
And I think not having
a partner to lean on himself,

16:47.340 --> 16:49.508
I think
he didn't know what to do.

16:49.642 --> 16:53.579
And so the best thing
for him to do,

16:53.713 --> 16:56.482
he thought,
was to kind of ignore it.

16:56.616 --> 16:58.384
[somber music]

17:00.219 --> 17:01.654
[Reed]
One option my dad had

17:01.787 --> 17:03.589
was to sue her
for child support,

17:04.090 --> 17:07.293
bringing her
into contact with us
through the court system.

17:08.794 --> 17:09.996
He chose not to.

17:10.129 --> 17:12.598
She was a good mother
to her kids

17:12.732 --> 17:13.933
as she was raising them.

17:14.066 --> 17:16.335
There's no question about that.

17:18.704 --> 17:21.574
She just disappeared
off the face of the planet.

17:22.408 --> 17:26.345
So I just had
to make due however

17:26.479 --> 17:29.148
that I could make due, you know?

17:31.918 --> 17:33.586
I didn't realize how much Jared,

17:33.719 --> 17:36.756
in particular,
needed his mom around.

17:37.189 --> 17:40.393
Sam too, but I have no desire

17:40.526 --> 17:43.029
to interact with her.

17:43.162 --> 17:45.665
No, I don't wanna do that.

17:47.967 --> 17:50.269
[Cindy, sobbing]
I was really angry
and it bothered me

17:50.403 --> 17:53.339
that he was ignoring it
because I, I felt

17:53.472 --> 17:55.308
it really needed to be let out.

17:55.441 --> 17:58.744
I felt like there needed
to be somebody, some ally,

17:58.878 --> 18:00.713
some person to help,

18:00.846 --> 18:05.251
because it was pure
and simple abandonment.

18:06.018 --> 18:08.487
[soft dramatic music]

18:12.124 --> 18:13.793
[upbeat music]

18:21.801 --> 18:24.904
♪ Hey, hey, hey
hey, hey, everybody ♪

18:26.472 --> 18:28.908
♪ I'm out looking for a girl ♪

18:31.143 --> 18:33.446
♪ Disappeared by herself ♪

18:35.681 --> 18:38.317
♪ When my clock struck 12 ♪

18:39.885 --> 18:42.888
♪ Hey, hey, hey
hey, hey, Cinderella ♪

18:45.057 --> 18:47.593
♪ Where have you gone? ♪

18:53.466 --> 18:55.101
[Reed]
There was one family member

18:55.234 --> 18:56.502
we hadn't talked to yet.

18:57.603 --> 18:59.705
This is our stepbrother, Peter,

19:00.306 --> 19:02.375
Jois's son
from her first marriage.

19:03.175 --> 19:04.710
He's about my age.

19:04.844 --> 19:06.912
[soft music]

19:07.880 --> 19:08.881
All right.

19:09.849 --> 19:10.816
Which way?

19:11.484 --> 19:13.119
[Reed]
So you're not worried about her?

19:13.252 --> 19:14.854
No, I'm not worried about her.

19:16.922 --> 19:19.959
And I know deep down that
wherever she is, she's happy.

19:20.960 --> 19:23.396
[Reed]
Don't you want to know
where she is?

19:23.529 --> 19:24.930
Don't you wanna talk to her?

19:25.064 --> 19:29.001
I would like to,
but I don't feel I have to.

19:29.135 --> 19:30.269
I don't feel the need to.

19:30.903 --> 19:33.672
Had I known she was
gonna leave so abruptly,

19:33.806 --> 19:36.008
I wish I could have said like,

19:36.142 --> 19:39.078
"Hey, so long, take care."

19:40.279 --> 19:43.149
[Reed]
Do you have any knowledge
about where she might be?

19:43.282 --> 19:46.852
No, it's just
mainly guesstimations.

19:47.520 --> 19:48.954
What about a professor?

19:49.488 --> 19:51.557
-Could be.
-Could be?

19:51.690 --> 19:55.995
I had heard that, uh, that
you had tried to contact a guy

19:56.762 --> 19:59.965
that was a writer
that had an email

20:00.099 --> 20:01.233
that you had tracked down.

20:01.367 --> 20:02.768
And that, nothing happened.

20:02.902 --> 20:05.471
And who was the person
that you had tried to...

20:05.604 --> 20:08.474
I, that was a while ago,
I don't even remember.

20:08.607 --> 20:09.909
The only one
I know that might know

20:10.042 --> 20:12.144
is the person
at Ray's Boathouse.

20:12.611 --> 20:14.046
[Reed]
Before she left,

20:14.180 --> 20:16.148
Jois worked at
Ray's Boathouse in Seattle.

20:16.916 --> 20:19.418
She was a hostess
and Phil was a server.

20:19.552 --> 20:22.455
It's a fascinating story.
She's a fascinating woman.

20:23.689 --> 20:28.160
She just struck me as such
a wonderful, unique human being.

20:28.294 --> 20:29.728
Just the way
she would wear, you know,

20:29.862 --> 20:33.399
a floor length dress
to work faithfully.

20:33.532 --> 20:35.401
And she looked
so beautiful in it.

20:36.168 --> 20:37.736
I was the only one
at work she confided in

20:37.870 --> 20:41.474
that she was leaving
and I couldn't mention it.

20:41.607 --> 20:43.008
I was sworn to not
mention it to anybody.

20:43.142 --> 20:44.343
And I knew she was leaving

20:44.477 --> 20:46.846
for months and months
before she left.

20:46.979 --> 20:50.182
And I thought, "Man,
this is just the oddest thing."

20:50.316 --> 20:52.284
[somber piano music]

20:52.418 --> 20:54.487
She met this person.

20:54.620 --> 20:57.556
He was a well-known scholar
and he'd get invited

20:57.690 --> 20:59.391
to speak at colleges
around the world

20:59.525 --> 21:01.961
and would pay for her ticket.

21:04.864 --> 21:06.298
She'd come up to me
at work and she said,

21:06.432 --> 21:08.167
"You're not gonna believe this.

21:08.300 --> 21:09.602
Now I'm flying to Paris,"

21:09.735 --> 21:11.937
or "now I'm flying to Oslo."

21:13.139 --> 21:14.306
The first time or two she did it

21:14.440 --> 21:15.608
she thought, "This is just wild.

21:15.741 --> 21:17.510
I can't believe I'm doing this,

21:17.643 --> 21:20.346
but nobody even asks,
nobody cares,

21:20.479 --> 21:21.647
so I'm just gonna do it."

21:21.780 --> 21:23.082
I remember the first time
she did it,

21:23.215 --> 21:25.451
it was like really,
you know, stepping out

21:25.584 --> 21:26.986
and putting her toe
in the water.

21:27.720 --> 21:29.622
And then after a while,
she just felt like,

21:29.755 --> 21:31.957
"Well, this is right.

21:32.992 --> 21:34.493
This is working for me."

21:37.096 --> 21:39.965
[Reed]
I was finally able
to pry a name out of Peter.

21:42.334 --> 21:44.970
Ed Gosling. Oh, nope.

21:45.104 --> 21:47.873
[Doris]Is she writing a book?
And, well, that was a rumor
that was going around.

21:48.007 --> 21:49.975
[Cindy]
She was helping a friend.

21:50.109 --> 21:51.977
[Karen]
Somebody who's a professor
at some university.

21:52.111 --> 21:54.246
[Doris]
She has a mentor,
that's helping her.

21:54.380 --> 21:55.581
[Cindy]
Somewhere in California.

21:55.714 --> 21:56.682
[Phil]
I could never remember

21:56.815 --> 21:58.050
this fellow's name.

21:58.184 --> 21:59.285
[Reed]
Edward Gosling?

21:59.718 --> 22:00.853
[Phil]
Doesn't ring a bell, actually.

22:00.986 --> 22:03.255
[Reed]
USC, no. UCLA, no.

22:03.389 --> 22:04.690
Come on, come on, come on.

22:04.823 --> 22:06.458
[Peter]
I think it was in Long Beach.

22:06.592 --> 22:09.461
[Reed]
Long Beach professor,
Edward Gosseling,

22:10.029 --> 22:11.430
Gosselin.

22:12.231 --> 22:13.265
Edward Gosselin.

22:13.399 --> 22:14.967
[upbeat dramatic music]

22:15.100 --> 22:17.136
[dramatic music]

22:17.269 --> 22:18.270
No way.

22:18.404 --> 22:20.506
[soft dramatic music]

22:30.749 --> 22:32.084
So we made a plan to show up

22:32.218 --> 22:34.253
during the professor's
office hours.

22:35.421 --> 22:38.891
And maybe by seeing us
in person, he'd help us.

22:44.230 --> 22:49.802
What do you think about
Sam wanting to go look for Jois?

22:50.469 --> 22:51.904
I don't know
if I'd wanna actually,

22:52.037 --> 22:54.873
like, go out
and, like, find her.

22:55.908 --> 22:57.610
Like, I'd write
a letter or something,

22:57.743 --> 22:59.144
but I don't have her address.

22:59.778 --> 23:01.580
-[Reed] Will you write a letter?
-[Jared] Sure.

23:03.182 --> 23:04.950
[Reed]
All right, go write your letter.

23:05.884 --> 23:07.353
-Like, right now?
-Yeah.

23:07.486 --> 23:08.988
-Why?
-Why not?

23:09.121 --> 23:10.589
I don't know. I thought
it was something I'd have

23:10.723 --> 23:12.124
like a few days to think about.

23:12.258 --> 23:13.192
[Reed]
Just write it.

23:13.792 --> 23:15.661
-Will you do it?
-I guess.

23:15.794 --> 23:17.062
-Do it.
-Okay.

23:17.196 --> 23:18.230
-Do it.
-Okay.

23:18.364 --> 23:19.231
[Reed]
Okay.

23:19.365 --> 23:21.567
[somber music]

23:28.274 --> 23:29.842
[Sam]
I would rather go down there.

23:29.975 --> 23:31.443
[Reed]
And just see her face-to-face?

23:31.577 --> 23:33.245
-[Sam]Yeah.
-[Reed]You sure?

23:33.379 --> 23:35.381
You gotta know that
it could be a situation

23:35.514 --> 23:38.717
where that gets, like,
you could get real sad

23:38.851 --> 23:40.919
or, like, you know,
like, you never know.

23:41.453 --> 23:42.388
[Sam]
Yeah, you're right.

23:42.521 --> 23:44.056
But I, I think I'll be prepared.

23:44.189 --> 23:45.958
-[Reed]It's been worth it?
-[Sam]I think it is.

23:46.091 --> 23:48.260
I mean, I'm more worried
about my mom's reaction.

23:48.394 --> 23:50.929
-[Reed]Yeah.
-[Sam]That's what
I'm more worried about.

23:51.063 --> 23:53.265
-[Reed]Sure.
-[Sam]Okay, I'll go in

23:53.732 --> 23:55.134
and you keep the car running.

23:56.168 --> 23:58.337
-[Reed]Okay.
-[Sam]And then I'll run out.

23:58.470 --> 24:00.606
We'll knock on the door and run.

24:01.173 --> 24:04.143
[Reed]
I just want something to happen.

24:04.276 --> 24:05.878
'Cause it's, I think
it's really important, you know?

24:06.011 --> 24:07.780
[Sam]
You wanna do it?

24:07.913 --> 24:09.948
-[Reed]Yeah, I think so.
-[Sam]I'm down, Reed. I'm--

24:10.082 --> 24:11.550
-[Reed]You are?
-[Sam]Yeah.

24:14.687 --> 24:16.789
[Reed]
With a couple batches
of Grandma's cookies,

24:16.922 --> 24:19.825
a few road maps
and our dad's minivan,

24:19.958 --> 24:21.293
we head south toward Long Beach.

24:21.427 --> 24:23.529
[lively upbeat music]

24:23.662 --> 24:25.230
♪ Whoa, baby ♪

24:26.732 --> 24:28.901
♪ You're driving me crazy ♪

24:29.835 --> 24:32.004
♪ I said, baby ♪

24:33.172 --> 24:35.874
♪ You're driving me crazy ♪

24:36.909 --> 24:38.844
♪ Oh, well, you turn me on ♪

24:40.779 --> 24:42.848
♪ Then you shut me down ♪

24:43.549 --> 24:46.785
♪ Oh, well, tell me, baby ♪

24:47.953 --> 24:49.822
♪ Am I just your clown? ♪

24:49.955 --> 24:52.157
[lively upbeat music continues]

24:56.362 --> 24:57.329
♪ Ow ♪

24:57.930 --> 24:59.865
♪ Whoa, baby ♪

25:00.766 --> 25:03.168
♪ You're driving me crazy ♪

25:04.870 --> 25:07.039
♪ I said I'm losing my mind ♪

25:08.140 --> 25:10.209
♪ You treat me so unkind ♪

25:12.511 --> 25:13.812
♪ Psycho ♪

25:17.282 --> 25:18.217
♪ Ow ♪

25:18.784 --> 25:20.085
♪ Whoo ♪

25:21.320 --> 25:23.789
[somber music]

25:29.628 --> 25:32.197
[Reed]
We stop in Southern Oregon
to visit Jois's family.

25:33.732 --> 25:35.367
Sam decides to wait in the car

25:35.501 --> 25:39.505
as I talk to Jois's mother,
sister, and brother.

25:39.638 --> 25:40.839
See, we adopted her in Japan,

25:40.973 --> 25:43.609
and you don't know anything of,

25:43.742 --> 25:45.778
about the parents
or anything over there.

25:45.911 --> 25:47.579
[Linda]
The only thing
that they would tell you

25:47.713 --> 25:50.115
was that the,
the mother was Japanese

25:50.249 --> 25:52.951
-and the father was American.
-[Teene] American.

25:54.153 --> 25:55.821
[Reed]
Before Jois left,

25:55.954 --> 25:57.856
I knew she had been
searching for her birth records,

25:57.990 --> 25:59.825
and possibly
her birth mother too.

26:00.959 --> 26:02.628
And that she had
a strained relationship

26:02.761 --> 26:04.663
with her adoptive family.

26:05.597 --> 26:08.667
She was always just, just Jois.

26:09.935 --> 26:11.336
She just did
whatever she wanted to do,

26:11.470 --> 26:14.006
and she didn't care
if anybody liked it or not.

26:16.675 --> 26:19.311
Jois was never normal,
predictable,

26:19.445 --> 26:20.712
I guess you could say.

26:20.846 --> 26:21.814
[Linda] Well, now,
Jois for a long time,

26:21.947 --> 26:23.215
called you every week.

26:23.348 --> 26:24.917
[Teene] Yeah, she was good
about calling me.

26:25.050 --> 26:29.087
Yes, she did.
She called me every week, and--

26:29.221 --> 26:31.223
[Linda]
Right up until
she came down that last time,

26:31.356 --> 26:33.826
-she was calling you.
-Yeah, yeah, she--
Yeah, you're right.

26:33.959 --> 26:35.294
-She did, yeah.
-[Larry] Usually,

26:35.427 --> 26:37.029
every Saturday,
she'll give you a call.

26:37.162 --> 26:39.965
Mm-hmm. And then all
of a sudden she disappeared

26:40.098 --> 26:42.835
and I have not
heard from her since.

26:43.936 --> 26:45.437
[Reed]
Where do you think she is?

26:46.004 --> 26:48.273
I don't have the slightest idea.

26:48.941 --> 26:52.110
What she did
was so totally opposite

26:52.244 --> 26:54.146
of anything
she ever did in the past.

26:54.279 --> 26:55.914
That's what
I don't understand.

26:56.048 --> 26:58.917
She made all those sacrifices
for all those years.

26:59.518 --> 27:01.753
-And then just left.
-[Teene] Just
to walk out on them.

27:01.887 --> 27:03.088
-That's the thing
I can't forgive her for.
-I just,

27:03.222 --> 27:04.490
I just don't understand it.

27:04.623 --> 27:06.425
I am very, very upset with her

27:06.558 --> 27:08.327
because she left her kids.

27:09.361 --> 27:11.797
So as far as I'm concerned,
there is no Jois.

27:13.131 --> 27:15.167
I have just wiped her
out of my life,

27:16.168 --> 27:17.769
'cause I know
I'll never see her again,

27:17.903 --> 27:20.739
so that's just the way it is.

27:22.875 --> 27:25.143
[somber music]

27:29.481 --> 27:31.316
[Sam]
There was a conversation
I had with my mom

27:31.450 --> 27:33.418
when I was a lot younger,
maybe seven.

27:33.552 --> 27:35.387
That's when I found out
she was adopted,

27:35.521 --> 27:37.789
and I just
innocently spit out like,

27:37.923 --> 27:39.791
"Well, why don't
you just find your mom?"

27:39.925 --> 27:42.494
[chuckles]
And she just snapped at me,

27:42.628 --> 27:44.396
like, "You can't just do that."

27:45.063 --> 27:46.765
And I just went down
to my room and,

27:47.533 --> 27:49.301
and I kind of passed it off
as another thing, like,

27:49.434 --> 27:51.937
"Well, I think I need
to be older to understand."

27:55.374 --> 27:57.009
[Reed]
We're on our second day
and I'm starting

27:57.142 --> 27:58.710
to wonder if this is
the right thing to do.

27:59.244 --> 28:00.712
I talk to a couple friends
who've also

28:00.846 --> 28:02.314
experienced missing parents.

28:02.447 --> 28:04.816
[Gigi]
You are making
everyone so vulnerable.

28:04.950 --> 28:08.220
What happens if Sam has to hear

28:08.353 --> 28:11.390
that his mom
doesn't want to talk to him,

28:11.523 --> 28:13.625
-doesn't want to see him?
-[Tim] If you leave your kid...

28:13.759 --> 28:15.961
-Yeah.
-...you're sending them
the message

28:16.094 --> 28:17.829
that you don't
want them anymore.

28:18.630 --> 28:20.499
I get this, like, image of--
in my mind of

28:20.632 --> 28:24.703
you guys going down and
like knocking on somebody's door

28:24.836 --> 28:28.307
and being turned away.

28:29.575 --> 28:33.979
I just don't wanna see you try
and take on something that...

28:34.880 --> 28:38.050
...uh,
that you shouldn't take on.

28:40.085 --> 28:41.486
[film reel rattling]

28:41.620 --> 28:43.922
[upbeat rock music]

28:49.828 --> 28:52.030
♪ Some folks like water ♪

28:52.998 --> 28:55.901
♪ Some folks like wine ♪

28:56.802 --> 28:59.171
♪ But I like the taste ♪

28:59.905 --> 29:02.541
♪ Of straight strychnine ♪

29:02.674 --> 29:03.775
♪ Hey, hey ♪

29:03.909 --> 29:05.577
♪ You may think it's funny ♪

29:06.378 --> 29:08.580
♪ That I like this stuff ♪

29:09.281 --> 29:12.017
♪ But once you've tried it ♪

29:13.185 --> 29:15.354
♪ You can't get enough ♪

29:15.921 --> 29:17.055
♪ Whoa ♪

29:17.990 --> 29:18.957
♪ Wine is red ♪

29:19.091 --> 29:20.459
♪ Hey ♪

29:20.592 --> 29:22.194
♪ Poison is blue ♪

29:23.328 --> 29:25.764
♪ Strychnine is good ♪

29:26.365 --> 29:28.934
♪ For what's ailing you ♪

29:29.668 --> 29:30.902
♪ Whoa ♪

29:33.705 --> 29:34.906
[gentle music]

29:35.040 --> 29:35.941
[Reed]
We stop at my mom's house

29:36.074 --> 29:37.409
in the Bay Area.

29:39.277 --> 29:41.980
My mom has been such
a huge influence on my life.

29:42.514 --> 29:45.684
She's so nurturing,
and even with the divorce

29:45.817 --> 29:47.119
and distance from Seattle,

29:47.586 --> 29:49.888
I felt like I can
always count on her.

29:53.925 --> 29:56.895
[Chayo]
I'm just gonna
have you pick eight cards,

29:57.429 --> 29:59.431
put 'em face down
in front of you.

30:00.332 --> 30:02.701
Use your left hand,
that's your more intuitive side,

30:02.834 --> 30:06.505
and just think about how
is this journey going to evolve?

30:06.638 --> 30:08.607
[serene music]

30:12.544 --> 30:15.747
You're gonna be feeling
this sort of bit of turmoil,

30:15.881 --> 30:18.650
but it's also gonna feel
like a house-cleaning time,

30:19.284 --> 30:20.552
which actually feels good.

30:20.686 --> 30:22.154
It's like when
you clean out your closet,

30:22.287 --> 30:24.122
you get everything out
and you look at it

30:24.256 --> 30:26.458
and you decide what
you wanna put back in there.

30:26.591 --> 30:28.560
That's what this
is gonna be about.

30:35.100 --> 30:37.369
You two have been
called into action here.

30:39.438 --> 30:42.874
You have set in motion a journey
that will circle around

30:43.008 --> 30:45.944
and circle around
in your life many times.

30:47.612 --> 30:50.482
Things will not be
the same after you do this.

30:52.184 --> 30:54.886
Sam will be different.

30:57.289 --> 30:59.591
[slow gentle bright music]

31:04.863 --> 31:07.099
[Sam]
Mom!

31:12.437 --> 31:14.406
Mother!

31:14.906 --> 31:17.909
I'm in California!

31:19.644 --> 31:22.447
Come out, come out,
wherever you are!

31:38.997 --> 31:41.166
[Sam]
I had a dream that
she was a famous author and,

31:41.299 --> 31:43.769
and, like,
she had this huge mansion

31:44.236 --> 31:47.906
made out of adobe
and, like, it was just so great.

31:49.074 --> 31:52.377
I just remember we were playing
in the pool a lot and stuff.

31:52.511 --> 31:54.179
It was just like a fun thing.

31:54.312 --> 31:57.015
I don't know, like,
I imagine like that's gonna be--

31:58.583 --> 32:00.318
I want her to know
that I'm not mad at her.

32:00.452 --> 32:02.721
Like, it's not like we're trying
to show that she's a bad mother.

32:02.854 --> 32:06.424
It's trying to show
that, like, she is wanted.

32:08.560 --> 32:10.395
[air whooshing]

32:14.065 --> 32:16.902
[Reed]
We arrive in Long Beach
and head to the university.

32:17.035 --> 32:19.971
[upbeat music]

32:24.009 --> 32:25.577
♪ Hey, little girl ♪

32:26.878 --> 32:28.513
♪ I need you so ♪

32:30.182 --> 32:32.217
♪ If you want my love ♪

32:33.485 --> 32:35.987
♪ Just let me know ♪

32:37.055 --> 32:38.757
♪ Stop running around ♪

32:40.926 --> 32:41.927
♪ I been shot down ♪

32:42.060 --> 32:44.496
[dramatic upbeat music]

32:46.198 --> 32:47.465
[gentle wistful music]

32:53.205 --> 32:55.273
[gentle bright music]

33:24.903 --> 33:27.172
[Sam]
When we didn't find
Professor Gosselin,

33:27.305 --> 33:31.276
I was thinking like,
"Wow, we must be
all out of cards now."

33:31.409 --> 33:33.678
Like, what else do we have?

33:34.212 --> 33:38.884
And so, I mean, I was like,
"Uh, let's go to the beach."

33:39.517 --> 33:42.454
[gentle wistful music]

33:49.661 --> 33:51.730
[Reed]
This is pretty discouraging
for me.

33:53.098 --> 33:55.467
I'm starting to imagine us
just getting in the car

33:55.600 --> 33:57.836
and driving all
the way back to Seattle.

33:57.969 --> 33:59.771
[waves lapping]

34:10.682 --> 34:12.517
[Reed]
Before coming down here,
I had written down

34:12.651 --> 34:14.252
every phone number listed

34:14.386 --> 34:16.554
for all the E. Gosselins
in the area.

34:17.422 --> 34:18.957
We were worried
that if we cold-called,

34:19.090 --> 34:21.793
it would be easy for
the professor to just say,

34:21.927 --> 34:23.128
"Sorry, don't know her."

34:24.195 --> 34:26.665
But now, this might be
our last hope for contact.

34:26.798 --> 34:28.466
[Sam]
What's the number?

34:28.600 --> 34:31.369
[Reed]
5-6-2...
So what are you gonna say?

34:32.070 --> 34:33.538
[Sam]
I'm gonna ask for Jois.

34:34.639 --> 34:38.109
[Reed]
And if they say,
"Jois doesn't live here"?

34:39.611 --> 34:41.446
[Sam]
Do you know where to reach her?

34:43.682 --> 34:46.217
[Reed]
And you're gonna say
this is Sam, right?

34:46.351 --> 34:47.452
[Sam]
Yeah.

34:48.253 --> 34:50.221
I was gonna say this
is Sam Harkness, her son.

34:50.355 --> 34:52.624
[Reed]
If Jois picks up the phone,
what are you gonna say?

34:52.757 --> 34:55.860
[Sam]
Mom?[laughs]Mom?

34:56.962 --> 34:59.497
Hey, Mom, long time no see, huh?

35:00.098 --> 35:01.066
[Reed]
Be yourself.

35:01.199 --> 35:03.134
[Sam]
Okay. Ready.

35:04.903 --> 35:06.071
What's the number?

35:06.204 --> 35:07.272
I pull out the phone.

35:07.405 --> 35:09.040
I dial the last,

35:09.174 --> 35:10.976
like, phone number we have.

35:11.509 --> 35:13.211
[phone line ringing]

35:15.180 --> 35:16.414
[phone tone chimes]

35:16.548 --> 35:20.218
[Sam]
Hang on, it's been changed.

35:24.789 --> 35:26.791
Okay, here we go, here we go.

35:27.993 --> 35:29.761
[phone line ringing]

35:31.363 --> 35:33.231
Hello, may I speak with Jois?

35:34.499 --> 35:39.004
Mom? Hi, this is Sam.

35:39.437 --> 35:41.706
Hey, me and Reed
are in California.

35:44.009 --> 35:47.979
We decided to come
get you, or find you,

35:48.947 --> 35:53.518
just 'cause we wanted to go
on an adventure.[laughs]

35:54.085 --> 35:55.653
Man, this is so cool.

35:57.555 --> 35:59.124
So I just, like,
explained what happened

35:59.257 --> 36:03.928
in, like, three years
within, like, two minutes.

36:04.062 --> 36:05.463
I went to Japan.

36:05.597 --> 36:07.866
It was so cool,
'cause like we got,

36:07.999 --> 36:10.235
I got a scholarship
going for free.

36:10.368 --> 36:14.205
Guess what? Jared got
a girlfriend.[laughs]

36:14.339 --> 36:15.607
And I got a girlfriend too.

36:15.740 --> 36:17.008
Lately, it's been getting fun.

36:17.142 --> 36:18.777
Junior year, which is this year,

36:18.910 --> 36:20.812
like, I have
so many friends now.

36:20.945 --> 36:22.747
Everything's just
building up to be good.

36:22.881 --> 36:24.716
The first thing
she says is, like,

36:24.849 --> 36:27.585
"Sam, all right,
I know this is hard for you,

36:27.719 --> 36:30.855
but I need you to
not tell anyone where I am

36:30.989 --> 36:33.892
or speak of
finding me to anybody."

36:35.560 --> 36:36.995
[Reed]
So what,
she's gonna call us right back?

36:37.128 --> 36:38.930
-[Sam]Yeah.
-[Reed]That was crazy, Sam.

36:39.064 --> 36:42.500
[Sam]
I know. That was really weird.

36:42.634 --> 36:45.336
[Reed]
You think? Did she say that
she wants to meet with you?

36:45.470 --> 36:47.439
[phone chimes]

36:48.273 --> 36:50.542
Hello? Hi.

36:52.210 --> 36:54.312
We're on the beach right now.

36:54.779 --> 36:57.015
Yeah. We're like,
my feet are in the sand.

36:57.148 --> 36:58.917
[soft music]

37:04.089 --> 37:06.424
[Reed]
It turns out
she's living in a small town

37:06.558 --> 37:07.859
in Southern Oregon.

37:08.593 --> 37:10.228
She invites us to come up there.

37:10.361 --> 37:12.130
[upbeat music]

37:12.831 --> 37:15.400
So we get back in the van
and head right back to Oregon.

37:21.406 --> 37:24.642
[lively upbeat music]

37:32.083 --> 37:34.552
♪ I love my girl
puts a black dress on ♪

37:34.686 --> 37:37.422
♪ She wears it to turn me on ♪

37:37.555 --> 37:40.024
♪ When I call her on the phone ♪

37:40.158 --> 37:42.794
♪ I see her wearing
the black dress on ♪

37:42.927 --> 37:45.430
♪ I wait as the days go by ♪

37:45.563 --> 37:48.366
♪ Long for the nights to go by ♪

37:48.500 --> 37:50.635
♪ I hear knock on my door ♪

37:50.768 --> 37:53.505
♪ My girl dressed in black ♪

38:05.049 --> 38:06.918
[knocks on door]

38:07.051 --> 38:07.986
Hi.

38:10.622 --> 38:11.890
-[Jois] Hi.
-Hello.

38:13.758 --> 38:16.794
-Good to see you.
-[Sam] Good to see you too.

38:16.928 --> 38:17.729
[Jois chuckling]

38:17.862 --> 38:20.098
-Hi.
-Come on in, come on in.

38:21.799 --> 38:24.169
-[Sam] Cool.
-[Jois] So cool, huh?

38:24.302 --> 38:26.437
[Sam]
Wow, nice house.

38:26.571 --> 38:28.640
-Put that away.
-[soft music]

38:52.230 --> 38:54.999
[Reed]
At this point,
Sam hasn't seen his mom

38:55.133 --> 38:56.134
for three years.

39:03.675 --> 39:05.877
I see this as an opportunity

39:06.010 --> 39:10.615
to control my relationship
with each of you.

39:11.583 --> 39:12.417
You understand what I mean?

39:12.550 --> 39:13.685
[Sam]
Yeah.

39:15.386 --> 39:20.258
Where I was, when I was,
everything was out of control.

39:20.391 --> 39:22.427
I had no control over anything.

39:23.394 --> 39:25.597
And I know, I know what I did,

39:25.730 --> 39:30.368
and I know that people suffered,
but I had to.

39:30.868 --> 39:33.504
I had to save myself, you know.

39:34.305 --> 39:36.841
I had to get out
of the control of everybody,

39:38.009 --> 39:43.514
and, uh, and then,
step-by-step, build my life.

39:45.984 --> 39:49.387
And it was difficult,
but it was more difficult

39:49.954 --> 39:52.890
to not leave, and, and I know

39:53.024 --> 39:55.660
that I'm going down in history

39:55.793 --> 39:57.762
as the woman that really broke
a whole bunch of rules,

39:57.895 --> 40:03.234
but... [laughing] I'm happy.

40:03.368 --> 40:04.802
[laughing]

40:06.371 --> 40:08.106
[gentle music]

40:19.817 --> 40:21.519
[Reed]
The next day, Jois offers

40:21.653 --> 40:23.655
to drive Sam back to Seattle,

40:24.789 --> 40:27.458
so I leave the two
of them to reconnect.

40:32.497 --> 40:34.265
I'm thrilled that we found Jois,

40:35.566 --> 40:40.071
but it doesn't quite feel
satisfying or complete.

40:42.240 --> 40:43.408
[door clicks]

40:43.908 --> 40:45.243
-Hey, Reed.
-Hey.

40:46.044 --> 40:46.978
[door thuds]

40:47.111 --> 40:48.012
[Cindy laughs]

40:48.146 --> 40:50.815
-Hi, Reed.
-The fun never ends.

40:51.482 --> 40:53.451
[people chattering]

40:54.719 --> 40:58.089
[Reed]
When we got back,
I imagined a kind of movie scene

40:58.222 --> 40:59.991
with my dad or grandma
making a toast

41:00.124 --> 41:01.659
about how happy
they are for this outcome.

41:01.793 --> 41:03.628
[family chattering]

41:04.329 --> 41:05.963
[Reed]
Instead, there was a gathering

41:06.097 --> 41:08.266
to celebrate our cousin
George's participation

41:08.399 --> 41:09.767
in a video game tournament.

41:10.335 --> 41:12.737
-[family chattering]
-[woman 2] Well, for 12.5...

41:12.870 --> 41:14.038
[Reed]
How'd it go?

41:14.172 --> 41:17.408
Not bad.
I got, like, fifth place.

41:17.542 --> 41:20.078
-That is terrific.
-Yeah.

41:20.211 --> 41:22.480
[Cindy]
A fifth place, honey,
is terrific.

41:22.613 --> 41:24.415
I know. I was so close, though.

41:24.549 --> 41:27.051
-[Cindy] That is so cool.
-Yeah.

41:27.185 --> 41:29.821
-I couldn't believe it.
-[George] Yeah.

41:29.954 --> 41:32.523
Go on.
Out of how many people?

41:32.657 --> 41:33.925
[George]
Like over 150, or something.

41:34.058 --> 41:36.494
He got fifth place out of 150.

41:36.994 --> 41:40.732
-Just being there,
you did an excellent job.
-[woman 3] Yeah.

41:40.865 --> 41:44.168
[Cindy]
You did a fabulous job
just going and participating.

41:44.302 --> 41:45.870
[Reed]
I was so confused
that our family

41:46.003 --> 41:47.839
didn't wanna acknowledge
what had happened.

41:48.673 --> 41:51.943
I hand Sam the camera
and kind of crash the party.

41:52.076 --> 41:54.145
You probably heard
from Sam his side of things.

41:54.278 --> 41:56.047
-[woman 1] No, really, we
haven't.
-No?

41:56.180 --> 41:57.482
-[woman 1] I heard a little.
Haven't talked to him.

41:57.615 --> 41:58.950
Did-- Okay?

41:59.083 --> 42:01.519
-[woman 3] I did.
-[Reed] Well, uh...

42:02.286 --> 42:04.088
[Sam]
I've talked to everybody,
haven't I?

42:04.222 --> 42:06.557
-[Randy] Well...
-[Reed] Okay.

42:07.024 --> 42:08.526
I got involved
with this whole thing

42:08.659 --> 42:12.497
because, like, everything
just felt so heavy around Jois.

42:12.630 --> 42:15.533
It was just like,
you say Jois's name,

42:15.666 --> 42:17.502
and it just,
like, drops like lead.

42:17.635 --> 42:19.370
It's just like, what?

42:19.504 --> 42:25.143
Yeah, you know, it's such a,
such a like sensitive thing.

42:25.276 --> 42:29.280
So I, um, I don't know,
I felt uncomfortable about that.

42:29.414 --> 42:32.683
And I think whenever I feel
uncomfortable about something,

42:32.817 --> 42:36.888
I usually like to do
something about it.

42:38.122 --> 42:42.226
So, um, it kind of came down

42:42.360 --> 42:45.797
to... Sam

42:46.297 --> 42:48.866
and just kept asking him,

42:49.667 --> 42:51.736
"Do you really
wanna do this, Sam?"

42:57.875 --> 42:59.677
And he did, like...

43:11.055 --> 43:14.992
And... Damn,
I wanna talk right now,

43:15.126 --> 43:17.795
but, like, I can't talk because
my voice is gonna crack up.

43:17.929 --> 43:20.431
-So... Um...
-[all laughing]

43:20.565 --> 43:22.467
-I think that's like--
-[Doris] We understand

43:22.600 --> 43:23.801
what you're going through.

43:23.935 --> 43:25.636
Well, it's one
of the bravest things

43:25.770 --> 43:28.573
-that I think
I've ever seen anyone do.
-[Doris] Yeah.

43:28.706 --> 43:30.107
I know.

43:31.676 --> 43:34.345
-[Sam] Mm-hmm.
-[Doris] It was very brave
without, you know,

43:34.479 --> 43:38.716
known consequences
or anything, it's... yeah.

43:39.450 --> 43:43.921
So I think that this was a, um,
an amazing, amazing odyssey.

43:44.055 --> 43:45.223
[woman 4]
I know.

43:48.993 --> 43:51.529
[Reed]
The strange thing is it seems

43:51.662 --> 43:55.099
like everyone would rather
not talk about it, like before.

43:55.800 --> 43:57.935
[gentle bright music]

43:59.203 --> 44:02.773
And I still don't understand
how Jois was able to just leave.

44:03.641 --> 44:06.644
[Jois]
I knew that for the most part,
the boys would be okay.

44:07.211 --> 44:10.114
I knew this was painful,
but I felt like...

44:11.549 --> 44:14.318
I just didn't wanna
drive them down this hole.

44:16.454 --> 44:20.024
I got on a train,
which is very romantic, right?

44:20.157 --> 44:22.393
[laughs] Get on the train.

44:22.527 --> 44:25.096
And I got down
to Southern California,

44:25.930 --> 44:27.765
and I felt such a release.

44:28.866 --> 44:30.568
It was like
walking through a portal.

44:31.435 --> 44:34.805
And I had gone through
difficult transitions before,

44:34.939 --> 44:37.441
and I was simply
not up for another one.

44:38.709 --> 44:41.245
And I had to do it
my way this time.

44:41.779 --> 44:44.348
[soft music]

44:48.753 --> 44:51.022
[gentle bright music]

44:52.256 --> 44:54.458
[Reed]
My brothers seemed happy
with the outcome

44:54.592 --> 44:56.093
and were doing really well.

44:56.794 --> 44:58.329
[crowd cheering and clapping]

44:58.462 --> 45:00.898
Jared seemed to
completely turn around.

45:03.034 --> 45:04.936
[announcer]
Let me bring up a super senior,

45:05.069 --> 45:06.304
Jared Harkness.

45:07.071 --> 45:08.339
[crowd]
Yeah!

45:08.472 --> 45:10.141
-[crowd cheering]
-[Jared]Hi, everybody.

45:11.008 --> 45:14.979
-Uh, high school's
been a bitch...
-[woman 5] Yes.

45:15.112 --> 45:16.714
...but I pushed my way through,

45:16.847 --> 45:19.450
and here I am, and I probably
couldn't have done it

45:19.584 --> 45:21.519
without the help
of a lot of people.

45:21.652 --> 45:24.956
First of all,
my family, the Harknesses.

45:25.756 --> 45:27.158
I'm proud to be a Harkness.

45:27.291 --> 45:29.427
And I hope you guys
are proud that I am one.

45:29.560 --> 45:30.962
[Sam]
Whoo. Yeah.

45:31.362 --> 45:34.532
And to the graduating class
of 2003,

45:34.999 --> 45:36.701
rock and roll, we're free.

45:36.834 --> 45:38.970
[crowd cheering and clapping]

45:42.139 --> 45:44.408
Like a shark in the ocean,
Sam Harkness ain't joking.

45:44.542 --> 45:47.411
When I jump in the air,
I cast a shadow of darkness.

45:47.545 --> 45:48.679
I'm still playing fair.

45:48.813 --> 45:50.648
It's called
the eclipse of Harkness.

45:50.781 --> 45:52.850
[gentle bright music]

45:57.421 --> 45:59.657
[Reed]
Sam was overflowing
with confidence,

45:59.790 --> 46:03.027
excelling at sports,
even getting picked for Team USA

46:03.160 --> 46:06.063
and winning
the World Championships
for Ultimate Frisbee.

46:06.197 --> 46:08.199
[muffled clapping]

46:14.305 --> 46:15.940
[Reed]
This all seemed
to bring Sam and Jared

46:16.073 --> 46:17.808
back to being close again.

46:23.581 --> 46:26.150
It felt like Jois
was really trying now.

46:26.684 --> 46:29.120
She even invited Jared to
come down and live with her.

46:29.620 --> 46:34.258
[Jois]
I said, "Jared,
you wanna come see us?

46:34.825 --> 46:36.327
You can look for a job

46:37.361 --> 46:40.197
and we'll see about getting
your driver's license too.

46:40.331 --> 46:43.234
And then while we're at that,
you may as well go to school."

46:47.204 --> 46:49.907
[Reed]
Do you think that
this is helping

46:50.041 --> 46:52.209
to mend anything that,

46:53.377 --> 46:55.546
you know,
that had happened before?

47:00.985 --> 47:03.187
Mend. Um...

47:06.290 --> 47:07.758
Okay, well,
you can use that word.

47:07.892 --> 47:11.696
I think it's, it's just
another development from it.

47:11.829 --> 47:13.097
Um...

47:14.265 --> 47:17.234
What do you think,
Jared, is mend a good word?

47:21.739 --> 47:22.940
[Jared]
Okay.

47:23.074 --> 47:24.909
Okay, we can agree on mend.

47:27.044 --> 47:29.413
I mean, I'm not
in a position to say...

47:31.382 --> 47:33.117
...mend and say, "Yes,
that's a good word,"

47:33.250 --> 47:35.386
because I'm not
the one being mended.

47:40.524 --> 47:42.927
I think when you use terms
like mend and healing,

47:43.060 --> 47:45.329
it's isolating events.

47:45.830 --> 47:48.265
And I realize that I don't
have any say over this,

47:48.399 --> 47:51.402
but I guess I prefer to think
of it as just a process,

47:51.969 --> 47:53.971
more painful
for some than others.

47:54.839 --> 47:55.940
And that, if you think of it

47:56.073 --> 47:57.608
in terms of mending and healing,

47:57.742 --> 48:01.212
it's giving it
more of an eternal sense
than it deserves.

48:01.345 --> 48:03.214
[doctor]
The fracture
you actually sustained,

48:03.347 --> 48:06.584
you can see it right here
in the scapula.

48:07.318 --> 48:11.222
I have no right arm
because I am now mortal,

48:11.355 --> 48:12.890
as I've discovered.

48:13.657 --> 48:15.826
I used to think my bones
are made of rubber.

48:16.193 --> 48:17.962
[gentle somber music]

48:18.095 --> 48:19.930
♪ I love my mother ♪

48:22.500 --> 48:24.168
♪ I love my father ♪

48:27.238 --> 48:31.976
♪ I love my sisters too ♪

48:34.311 --> 48:40.818
♪ I am a rock-bottom riser ♪

48:41.685 --> 48:44.722
[Reed]
I've always admired
how Sam can get right back up.

48:46.257 --> 48:50.461
♪ And I owe it all to you ♪

48:50.895 --> 48:53.230
[Reed]
But it's almost like
he's too resilient.

48:53.364 --> 48:59.570
♪ I am a rock-bottom riser ♪

49:00.704 --> 49:02.339
[Reed]
I don't think she needed
to leave you guys

49:02.473 --> 49:04.175
-in that way.
-[Sam] I mean,

49:04.308 --> 49:06.243
you're not alone
in thinking that.

49:06.377 --> 49:08.212
[Reed]
I think that
there's no good reason

49:08.345 --> 49:11.682
and she shut off her family.

49:11.816 --> 49:14.185
-[Sam] Right.
-[Reed] And I don't think
that you should even believe

49:14.318 --> 49:17.721
that she did the right thing,
'cause she didn't.

49:17.855 --> 49:20.224
[Sam]
Well, I don't think
any good can come

49:20.357 --> 49:22.326
from me believing
she did the wrong thing.

49:23.027 --> 49:25.162
Whereas I think there's a lot

49:25.796 --> 49:28.265
to gain from me
trusting her still.

49:30.568 --> 49:31.769
[Reed]
Don't you feel a little bit like

49:31.902 --> 49:33.103
you wanna know why?

49:33.971 --> 49:37.208
The trip wasn't to find out
like why I was left.

49:37.341 --> 49:39.577
There was a problem.
My mom was gone.

49:40.110 --> 49:42.446
You came and we solved it.

49:43.147 --> 49:44.348
That's what matters to me.

49:44.815 --> 49:46.283
The problem is gone pretty much.

49:49.220 --> 49:54.758
♪ I am a rock-bottom-- ♪

49:56.026 --> 49:57.862
[gulls cawing]

49:57.995 --> 49:59.563
[water splashing]

50:06.971 --> 50:09.406
[Reed]
So when we set out
to find your mom,

50:09.540 --> 50:11.375
what were
you hoping to accomplish?

50:11.809 --> 50:14.712
I think I had
a kind of a fantasy in mind

50:14.845 --> 50:16.247
of what was going to happen.

50:16.380 --> 50:17.915
I don't think
I actually cared that much

50:18.048 --> 50:19.350
for a relationship with my mom.

50:19.483 --> 50:22.853
At that point, I was like
fairly, uh, independent,

50:22.987 --> 50:26.724
and I didn't really think it
through, to be honest,

50:26.857 --> 50:29.059
like emotionally
how I'd feel about it

50:29.193 --> 50:30.694
or what it would do to me.

50:32.229 --> 50:34.098
[Reed]
Did you get what you wanted?

50:35.566 --> 50:37.601
If you were to ask me,
like, right after the trip,

50:37.735 --> 50:39.803
"Did I get what I wanted?"
I would've said yes.

50:39.937 --> 50:45.376
But now, asking myself
in like my late 20s, no.

50:48.412 --> 50:50.848
Even finding her,
like the connection

50:50.981 --> 50:52.283
is still a little severed.

50:56.620 --> 50:58.622
Later on in my adult life,
I kind of found out

50:58.756 --> 51:02.126
that I was both
concerned with myself

51:02.259 --> 51:04.361
being capable of
abandoning somebody,

51:04.795 --> 51:07.564
and also concerned about
being abandoned by more people.

51:08.165 --> 51:10.234
And then realizing that
I had that, like, capability

51:10.367 --> 51:12.303
that I was like, "Oh, no, like,

51:12.436 --> 51:14.705
I can just, like,
shut somebody out."

51:14.838 --> 51:16.607
[somber music]

52:05.489 --> 52:06.757
[Reed]
In just a few weeks,

52:06.890 --> 52:08.392
Jois will be
coming up to Seattle

52:08.525 --> 52:10.794
to see Sam
and all of us together

52:10.928 --> 52:12.563
for the first time
since she left.

52:12.696 --> 52:14.765
So you're feeling
a little nervous?

52:18.669 --> 52:21.739
I'm worried that...
that this trip,

52:21.872 --> 52:24.508
I am going to really, like,
enjoy being around her.

52:24.641 --> 52:26.010
She's fun, and I like her a lot.

52:26.143 --> 52:27.177
She's great.

52:27.745 --> 52:31.648
But, uh, she doesn't treat me
like a son, you know?

52:33.117 --> 52:37.721
I think I would just want my mom
to wanna spend as much time

52:37.855 --> 52:40.724
as, like, our dad
wants to spend with me and,

52:41.692 --> 52:44.695
and you and Jared,
like, he's so invested.

52:45.596 --> 52:48.532
He, like, drives around the city
looking for me sometimes,

52:48.665 --> 52:50.634
when I'm out, like,
practicing and stuff,

52:52.202 --> 52:53.504
which is crazy.

52:54.405 --> 52:56.140
He has no idea what field
we're at practicing,

52:56.273 --> 52:58.942
but he'll just go out
'cause he wants to come see me.

53:00.277 --> 53:04.148
That kind of, like,
wanting to be around your kids,

53:04.281 --> 53:06.283
I think is supposed
to be the norm?

53:12.823 --> 53:14.591
[somber music]

53:31.375 --> 53:32.843
[Reed]
Jois meets us for breakfast

53:32.976 --> 53:35.579
and things are
relaxed and comfortable.

53:36.713 --> 53:39.016
Then Jois suggests
we go see our dad.

53:40.717 --> 53:42.886
Our family's always
just dropped in on each other,

53:44.888 --> 53:46.623
but he hasn't seen her
in 12 years.

53:47.224 --> 53:49.660
And he never remarried
after their divorce.

53:52.296 --> 53:53.897
-Why?
-I don't know.

53:54.465 --> 53:55.766
He probably is awake.

53:56.967 --> 53:59.837
-[knocks on door]
-[door creaks]

54:00.704 --> 54:03.507
[Jois]
Ain't gonna be pretty,
he's right there.

54:03.640 --> 54:05.976
[Randy]
Hi. How're you doing?

54:06.110 --> 54:08.378
-[Sam] Good, how're you doing?
-[Randy] All right.

54:09.079 --> 54:11.248
-[Sam] I've got a surprise.
-[Jois] Hi.

54:11.381 --> 54:12.916
[Randy] Come on in. Hi.

54:13.884 --> 54:15.853
[Jois laughs]
We ambushed you.

54:15.986 --> 54:17.421
Who? Who?

54:18.489 --> 54:21.925
-Oh, hi. Oh, God.
-[Reed] Yeah.

54:22.059 --> 54:25.062
I'm just getting,
[laughs] I'm getting going.

54:25.195 --> 54:28.398
What time is it? 11, 11:30, 11?

54:28.532 --> 54:30.100
[Jois]
We just had breakfast.

54:30.234 --> 54:31.635
We decided to come by.

54:31.768 --> 54:33.470
Oh, God, that's Jois.

54:33.604 --> 54:35.205
-[Jois laughs]
-[Randy] Hi.

54:35.339 --> 54:36.406
-Hi.
-I just got out of bed.

54:36.540 --> 54:38.142
-[Reed laughs]
-God.

54:38.275 --> 54:39.877
-[Jois] Sorry--
-Let me, let me
get some clothes on.

54:40.010 --> 54:41.912
-Oh, you're fine. [laughing]
-[Sam] Alright, alright.

54:42.045 --> 54:43.580
It's been a long time.

54:45.282 --> 54:48.785
He looked at me, he had me by--
he was genuinely--

54:48.919 --> 54:50.587
[Sam]
Well, I'm sure he is in shock.

54:50.721 --> 54:53.157
He hasn't seen you
in a long, long time.

54:53.857 --> 54:55.959
This is a lot.
This is wacky, man.

54:58.662 --> 54:59.630
It's so weird.

54:59.763 --> 55:01.198
[Jois]
Oh, how great.

55:01.565 --> 55:02.833
[chuckles]

55:03.734 --> 55:04.968
This is Ned's wedding.

55:06.236 --> 55:09.806
[Jois]
Yeah, that's great.

55:10.307 --> 55:11.808
Jois, I did not recognize you.

55:11.942 --> 55:13.844
-[Jois] I know you didn't.
-How did this happen?

55:13.977 --> 55:15.512
-[Jois] How did this all happen?
-How did this happen?

55:15.646 --> 55:17.781
-[Jois] It was very organic.
-Hm.

55:17.915 --> 55:21.718
Um, we had breakfast and we were
sitting there talking,

55:21.852 --> 55:24.454
and, and I suggested
we come over here.

55:24.888 --> 55:27.491
[stutters]
What happened here
in this house right now?

55:27.624 --> 55:28.825
[laughing] God.

55:28.959 --> 55:30.727
[Jois]
Just what you're seeing.

55:32.129 --> 55:36.600
I saw it, it's... [stutters]
is this some kind of fiction

55:36.733 --> 55:39.369
-going on here? [laughs]
-[Jois] No.

55:39.970 --> 55:41.538
It did occur to us for a minute

55:41.672 --> 55:44.441
that you'd be really,
really surprised, but--

55:44.575 --> 55:45.842
[all laugh]

55:46.543 --> 55:49.646
[Randy]
For a minute, you surprise-- you
thought it would surprise me.

55:49.780 --> 55:51.181
That's an understatement.

55:51.315 --> 55:54.318
So, Jois, you came up here
to see the kids, yeah?

55:54.451 --> 55:56.019
-[Jois] Yeah.
-Right? Good. Good.

55:56.987 --> 56:01.525
-[clears throat] Yeah, it's--
-[Jois] Yeah, that way it's not,
hasn't been easy to get away.

56:01.658 --> 56:06.663
-[Randy] Uh-huh.
-We, we found the space
and the weather to do it,

56:06.797 --> 56:08.999
so I'm up here now, yeah.

56:09.132 --> 56:11.068
Oh, hi, Mom. Hi.

56:12.069 --> 56:13.136
Um,

56:13.670 --> 56:15.772
you ready for a little surprise?

56:16.540 --> 56:17.708
Reed's here.

56:19.676 --> 56:22.813
Jois is here and Sam.

56:24.114 --> 56:29.353
Yeah, and I thought I'd come
over with this entourage here.

56:30.187 --> 56:33.190
-All right?
-[muffled speech over phone]

56:33.323 --> 56:34.825
Well, I don't know.

56:34.958 --> 56:38.228
It's, uh, it's, it's,
it's a nice, uh,

56:38.362 --> 56:40.430
easy, easy flow conversation.

56:40.564 --> 56:42.099
Okay, all right. Bye.

56:42.232 --> 56:44.901
[Randy and Jois laughing]

56:45.569 --> 56:48.505
[somber music]

56:50.607 --> 56:52.342
-Hi.
-Hi.

56:52.476 --> 56:55.145
I don't believe it. My God.

57:16.967 --> 57:19.236
Come on in. Sit down, honey.

57:20.671 --> 57:23.140
Oh, my goodness.
This has been a-- [sighs]

57:23.907 --> 57:26.910
-Surprise. Trick or treat?
-Have been-- Whoa, surprising.

57:27.044 --> 57:29.613
I need to put on some coffee
or do something.

57:29.746 --> 57:31.415
[Jois laughing]

57:31.548 --> 57:33.050
For the first time in my life,

57:33.183 --> 57:35.852
I am unprepared
with a cookie, even.

57:36.753 --> 57:39.022
Isn't that terrible?
I can't believe it.

57:39.156 --> 57:40.590
[muffled chatter]

57:40.724 --> 57:44.328
-Why am I being...? [laughing]
-[Reed] Why do I have a camera?

57:44.461 --> 57:47.297
-What is this business here?
-[Jois] Oh, you know Reed.

57:47.431 --> 57:49.800
-It's attached to him.
It's his body part.
-[Sam] Yeah.

57:49.933 --> 57:51.935
-[all laugh]
-[Sam chattering]

57:52.069 --> 57:54.071
I made peace with that
a long time ago.

57:54.204 --> 57:57.040
[Doris]
Oh, I guess
you'd have to, right, right.

57:57.174 --> 57:58.575
And how's everything
going with you down south?

57:58.709 --> 57:59.976
-[Jois] Well, well.
-[Doris] Good.

58:00.110 --> 58:01.712
[Jois] That's Ed's grandson.
My grandson.

58:01.845 --> 58:03.447
-Oh my, God.
-That's his son, David.

58:03.580 --> 58:05.415
-Oh my, God.
-And that's Caden.

58:05.549 --> 58:07.417
-Oh, how cute.
-That's amazing.

58:07.551 --> 58:09.219
[Doris]
Do they live around there
any place?

58:09.353 --> 58:10.987
[Jois]
They live down
in Southern California.

58:11.121 --> 58:13.290
-[Sam] Oh, they do? Hi, Peter.
-[Doris] Hi, Peter.

58:13.924 --> 58:17.094
-[Randy] Hi, Peter.
-[Jois] Fly over on the wind?

58:17.961 --> 58:19.262
I hope we didn't
interrupt your day.

58:19.396 --> 58:21.064
No, I thought
you were going to Harry's.

58:21.198 --> 58:22.566
-[Doris] Have you been to the--
-Oh, no, we were gonna--

58:22.699 --> 58:24.134
I thought you'd go with us.

58:24.267 --> 58:25.736
[Reed]
My dad calls more family members

58:25.869 --> 58:27.804
to see if
they wanna come join us.

58:27.938 --> 58:29.106
[Doris]
What's up?

58:30.307 --> 58:34.277
Uh, yeah, I think
that they are just a little
too much blindsided

58:34.411 --> 58:36.546
-by this whole thing,
and they're--
-[Jois] Really?

58:36.680 --> 58:38.782
-I am just looking at this
from a totally...
-They can't--

58:38.915 --> 58:40.984
...different perspective,
I guess.

58:41.118 --> 58:43.487
It's like, it's like, I guess,
'cause I've been spending

58:43.620 --> 58:45.756
so much time
with Reed and the boys

58:45.889 --> 58:47.491
-that it's like...
-[Randy] Yeah.

58:47.924 --> 58:49.760
-...I'm already immersed...
-[Doris] Oh, no--

58:49.893 --> 58:52.195
...so I don't see it as
being a big deal, but--

58:52.329 --> 58:54.898
-[Doris] Oh, right, right, yeah.
-You know.

58:55.766 --> 58:57.667
-[all laughing]
-Okay, yeah.

58:57.801 --> 59:01.605
-[gentle bright music]
-[Reed] Good.

59:01.738 --> 59:03.140
We all head over to see Jared

59:03.273 --> 59:05.008
at the coffee shop
he just opened.

59:05.142 --> 59:06.843
[chattering]

59:07.444 --> 59:10.647
He and Jois
are still on good terms
and in regular contact.

59:10.781 --> 59:12.916
[chattering and laughter]

59:15.752 --> 59:19.856
[Reed]
What was that like seeing
Jois after all these years?

59:19.990 --> 59:21.358
-It was really good seeing her.
-[Randy] It was freakish.

59:21.491 --> 59:23.994
-It was pretty freakish...
-She looked so good.

59:24.127 --> 59:25.529
-She hasn't changed.
-...to me, freaky.

59:25.662 --> 59:26.963
It was pretty amazing.

59:30.000 --> 59:31.368
-I just--
-[Randy] A little bit...

59:31.501 --> 59:35.071
-Really glad that she...
-...uneasy feeling for me.

59:35.205 --> 59:37.441
I have to tell you the truth.

59:37.574 --> 59:38.742
-Grandma?
-Uh-huh?

59:38.875 --> 59:40.143
[Reed]
How did you feel?

59:40.277 --> 59:42.112
I, I just was really,
really glad

59:42.245 --> 59:44.714
to, to break
that long period of time

59:44.848 --> 59:46.249
that we haven't seen each other.

59:46.383 --> 59:48.618
[soft slow bright music]

59:59.296 --> 01:00:01.131
[Reed]
What did you think
about today?

01:00:02.599 --> 01:00:03.767
I think I'm gonna kind of just

01:00:03.900 --> 01:00:06.069
put off processing it
for a while.

01:00:07.270 --> 01:00:10.106
What just made her ready
to like talk to my dad?

01:00:10.240 --> 01:00:12.375
And what made her ready
to talk to Grandma?

01:00:12.943 --> 01:00:14.644
And these strange things.

01:00:14.778 --> 01:00:16.213
Like, Mom being
in Grandma's house

01:00:16.346 --> 01:00:19.683
was something
that was like long in the past.

01:00:19.816 --> 01:00:22.319
And that's something
that I had come to accept

01:00:22.452 --> 01:00:25.021
that like my mom would
never be in that house again.

01:00:25.422 --> 01:00:28.291
And then my dad in
the same room, like, "Oh, what?"

01:00:28.425 --> 01:00:32.262
It's like things
that just have not happened

01:00:33.363 --> 01:00:35.632
for longer than a decade.

01:00:35.765 --> 01:00:37.167
Probably 15 years.

01:00:42.806 --> 01:00:45.609
-I'm still in like the,
"What the fuck just happened?"
-[Reed] ...happened.

01:00:46.376 --> 01:00:49.346
I'm not quite in the like,
"Oh, man, Mom's really changed

01:00:49.479 --> 01:00:51.114
and, like, is making
a solid effort

01:00:51.248 --> 01:00:54.718
to like build a relationship
with me and my brothers."

01:00:55.919 --> 01:00:59.322
No, I'm still kind of
in like, "What the hell?"

01:01:00.590 --> 01:01:02.325
Those look like stripes to you?

01:01:03.193 --> 01:01:04.327
-Yep.
-[Sam] Cool.

01:01:05.161 --> 01:01:06.630
My marker is about to die.

01:01:06.763 --> 01:01:08.765
I just gotta get
like four more stripes.

01:01:09.766 --> 01:01:12.769
Four more stripes,
four more stripes.

01:01:12.903 --> 01:01:16.206
[giggling] Happy Halloween.

01:01:17.541 --> 01:01:20.744
-You gotta finger hidden.
You almost forgot everything.
-Let me out. Argh. Okay.

01:01:20.877 --> 01:01:22.479
[friend]
You guys, let's leave.

01:01:23.914 --> 01:01:26.116
[slow gentle music]

01:01:29.319 --> 01:01:31.354
[Reed]
Jois still lives
in the same house

01:01:31.488 --> 01:01:35.525
where we found her, with her
husband, Ed, the professor.

01:01:35.659 --> 01:01:36.860
Hi.

01:01:39.796 --> 01:01:41.097
This is a tree.

01:01:46.469 --> 01:01:48.838
-So birth?
-[Reed] Yeah, tell me.

01:01:48.972 --> 01:01:53.243
My mother had me with her

01:01:53.710 --> 01:01:55.445
until I was about 18 months old.

01:01:56.012 --> 01:01:58.281
It was in a rural part of Japan.

01:01:58.815 --> 01:02:03.987
She had a half-Caucasian child
and-- which was a big no-no,

01:02:04.120 --> 01:02:07.657
in fact, she would've
been ostracized by her family.

01:02:07.791 --> 01:02:10.794
She would've been on her own.
She would not have been
accepted back into the family

01:02:10.927 --> 01:02:14.331
with this child,
half-white child.

01:02:14.931 --> 01:02:19.502
So she needed to
find a place for me,

01:02:19.636 --> 01:02:22.706
and, you know,
18 months, that's a long time

01:02:22.839 --> 01:02:24.474
to have a kid
and then give 'em up.

01:02:25.208 --> 01:02:28.712
So it must have been, uh,
a decision

01:02:28.845 --> 01:02:32.082
that she didn't make lightly,
you know.

01:02:32.882 --> 01:02:35.385
[slow gentle music]

01:02:37.387 --> 01:02:40.523
I have these memories of,
of, like, the smell

01:02:40.657 --> 01:02:45.195
of, like, torches
or creosote lamps at night.

01:02:45.328 --> 01:02:47.430
I remember being carried around

01:02:47.931 --> 01:02:50.433
and my face
rubbing against the fabric

01:02:50.567 --> 01:02:51.901
of whatever
it was she was wearing.

01:02:52.035 --> 01:02:53.570
I can remember
what it felt like.

01:02:53.703 --> 01:02:57.540
And for some reason, we, we
seemed to be out at night a lot.

01:02:57.674 --> 01:02:59.909
I kind of wonder if
that's when she felt safe

01:03:00.043 --> 01:03:01.344
to have me out.

01:03:01.478 --> 01:03:03.313
She couldn't take me out
in the daylight.

01:03:07.684 --> 01:03:09.119
[slide projector clicking]

01:03:10.020 --> 01:03:11.388
[slide projector clicking]

01:03:13.023 --> 01:03:14.357
[slide projector clicking]

01:03:16.026 --> 01:03:17.327
[slide projector clicking]

01:03:19.062 --> 01:03:20.397
[slide projector clicking]

01:03:22.032 --> 01:03:23.400
[slide projector clicking]

01:03:25.035 --> 01:03:26.469
[slide projector clicking]

01:03:28.071 --> 01:03:29.472
[slide projector clicking]

01:03:31.041 --> 01:03:32.342
[slide projector clicking]

01:03:33.843 --> 01:03:36.913
[Jois]
I wanted to know
if I still had roots in Japan.

01:03:37.047 --> 01:03:39.482
And so I did
a little bit of research

01:03:39.616 --> 01:03:45.488
and it turned out that my mother
married someone in '62,

01:03:45.889 --> 01:03:48.324
came to the United States in '63

01:03:48.458 --> 01:03:51.895
and became a citizen
in '69 in Chicago.

01:03:52.762 --> 01:03:54.964
She's this blank, I have
no idea what she looks like.

01:03:55.098 --> 01:03:57.167
I know that
she's close to 80 now,

01:03:57.300 --> 01:04:02.072
but I really don't have
an impulse to look them up.

01:04:02.205 --> 01:04:06.176
I have no idea what her family
knows about her past, no.

01:04:06.309 --> 01:04:09.713
Um, and so it doesn't seem fair

01:04:09.846 --> 01:04:13.583
to intrude on that.

01:04:14.551 --> 01:04:17.921
She did what she could
and, and it's okay.

01:04:19.055 --> 01:04:20.390
It's really okay.

01:04:23.993 --> 01:04:28.631
There is no way I could ever
tell her about my childhood.

01:04:30.233 --> 01:04:32.302
It just would be too awful.

01:04:36.072 --> 01:04:39.476
[Reed]
What do you remember about
that transition from adoption?

01:04:40.410 --> 01:04:44.614
[Jois]
Fear. Every day was fear.

01:04:44.748 --> 01:04:46.049
[thunder rumbling]

01:04:46.549 --> 01:04:49.119
I was afraid of water.
I was afraid of rain.

01:04:49.252 --> 01:04:52.021
I was afraid of riding in a car.

01:04:52.155 --> 01:04:55.458
I was afraid of everything.

01:04:58.862 --> 01:05:01.397
My mother and I never got along.
I was supposed to be

01:05:01.531 --> 01:05:06.903
this, this grateful, uh,
little Oriental thing,

01:05:07.036 --> 01:05:08.938
like something they picked up
at the souvenir shop.

01:05:09.072 --> 01:05:10.507
I was supposed to be good.

01:05:10.640 --> 01:05:14.043
And I was, I was terrible,
I was awful, you know?

01:05:14.177 --> 01:05:17.247
So we were always at odds.

01:05:17.380 --> 01:05:19.282
And I always knew I was adopted
from the very beginning.

01:05:19.415 --> 01:05:21.251
I always knew that I was there

01:05:21.384 --> 01:05:25.054
under very
tenuous circumstances,

01:05:25.188 --> 01:05:26.990
like, I could get
sent back any minute.

01:05:27.123 --> 01:05:30.260
I was always reminded
that they had the option

01:05:30.393 --> 01:05:32.295
of sending me back.

01:05:33.630 --> 01:05:36.733
You know, to go eat
fish heads and rice,
back at the orphanage.

01:05:36.866 --> 01:05:41.771
And they leveraged it
all through my childhood.

01:05:41.905 --> 01:05:43.706
[somber music]

01:05:47.210 --> 01:05:48.511
[Reed]
Is there anything
that you regret

01:05:48.645 --> 01:05:50.580
about the way
that you raised Jois?

01:05:54.851 --> 01:05:55.819
No.

01:05:56.719 --> 01:05:59.389
I raised all my kids
the same way.

01:06:03.226 --> 01:06:04.627
So we never
looked on her as adopted.

01:06:04.761 --> 01:06:06.496
I mean, she was
just one of the kids.

01:06:06.629 --> 01:06:08.565
-[Linda]
She was one of the kids.
-You know?

01:06:08.698 --> 01:06:10.567
[Larry]
I don't think
she ever went into much of

01:06:10.700 --> 01:06:12.669
-her personal life when--
-[Linda] Yeah,
she's very private.

01:06:12.802 --> 01:06:14.971
Yeah, when we were talking
or anything like that.

01:06:15.405 --> 01:06:18.074
I don't tell my mother
my deep dark secrets

01:06:18.208 --> 01:06:21.211
or anybody else,
I don't tell anybody.

01:06:21.344 --> 01:06:24.013
And that's the way
our family is, none of us.

01:06:24.147 --> 01:06:26.716
-[Teene] Mm-hmm.
-We deal with our--

01:06:26.850 --> 01:06:28.284
[Teene]
Deal with
your problems yourself.

01:06:28.418 --> 01:06:30.286
Yep. The world
doesn't need to know.

01:06:30.420 --> 01:06:32.155
[Teene]
Mm-hmm. Nobody needs
to know about it.

01:06:32.288 --> 01:06:34.557
[somber music]

01:06:43.666 --> 01:06:45.969
[Jois]
Early memories are,
for the most part,

01:06:46.102 --> 01:06:47.036
very unpleasant.

01:06:47.537 --> 01:06:49.706
Endless standing in the corner,

01:06:50.206 --> 01:06:53.409
always being punished
for this or that.

01:06:54.244 --> 01:06:58.781
I just can't remember
a lot of warmth

01:06:58.915 --> 01:07:01.651
or love or acceptance.

01:07:04.554 --> 01:07:09.359
In a sense, that child
was kind of destroyed,

01:07:09.492 --> 01:07:11.494
and I'm like this ghost.

01:07:13.263 --> 01:07:14.764
And I think
that that's one of the things

01:07:14.898 --> 01:07:18.434
that people don't understand
about abuse,

01:07:19.369 --> 01:07:22.939
is that you can damage
people beyond repair.

01:07:23.840 --> 01:07:26.542
It's not like dramas
on television

01:07:26.676 --> 01:07:29.379
where, oh,
there's a happy ending,

01:07:29.512 --> 01:07:31.247
when the person
finally gets treated decently

01:07:31.381 --> 01:07:33.216
by nice people.

01:07:34.284 --> 01:07:37.754
No, that doesn't fix it.
Not always.

01:07:39.689 --> 01:07:44.260
I disassociate myself
from that little girl,

01:07:44.394 --> 01:07:46.496
that little helpless kid.

01:08:02.378 --> 01:08:05.381
-[static]
-[gentle dramatic music]

01:08:08.751 --> 01:08:11.821
[Sam]
I do feel emotionally crippled.

01:08:11.955 --> 01:08:14.057
I, I feel like I don't feel
things the same way

01:08:14.190 --> 01:08:15.725
a lot of other people do.

01:08:20.129 --> 01:08:23.766
There are times when
I can just like shut out
certain emotions

01:08:23.900 --> 01:08:25.601
and I don't know,

01:08:25.735 --> 01:08:28.204
I, I think it's a strength
and a weakness.

01:08:31.040 --> 01:08:33.176
[train horn honking]

01:08:37.080 --> 01:08:39.115
[Reed]
So are you ready
to talk about your mom?

01:08:39.248 --> 01:08:40.917
[laughing]

01:08:42.151 --> 01:08:43.453
Yeah, sure.

01:08:47.457 --> 01:08:49.826
It's just a scary concept
to think like,

01:08:49.959 --> 01:08:52.261
to just completely
open up to a person

01:08:52.395 --> 01:08:56.299
that, like,
did that to me, you know?

01:08:56.799 --> 01:09:00.269
And really damaged
the way I value myself.

01:09:00.403 --> 01:09:02.672
[birds chirping]

01:09:04.874 --> 01:09:08.778
Some of my mom's habits
I had picked up on.

01:09:09.278 --> 01:09:13.216
She, like,
wasn't very responsible with

01:09:13.349 --> 01:09:16.019
other people's feelings.

01:09:16.552 --> 01:09:21.457
And I, I was definitely
the same way for a long time.

01:09:23.559 --> 01:09:25.361
I could be, like,
doing what my mom did to people.

01:09:25.495 --> 01:09:27.363
Like, that would be awful.

01:09:29.599 --> 01:09:32.368
A lot of it's just, like,
being aware of, like, the cycle

01:09:32.502 --> 01:09:34.137
you might be getting involved in

01:09:35.104 --> 01:09:36.472
and, like, I'm the one
to make the decision

01:09:36.606 --> 01:09:38.174
to step out of it, right?

01:09:38.307 --> 01:09:40.009
[gentle music]

01:09:41.244 --> 01:09:44.347
I think a big turning point, of
kind of like a bottom for me,

01:09:44.480 --> 01:09:48.618
was a pretty major breakup
with a girlfriend.

01:09:49.485 --> 01:09:50.753
It felt like self-sabotage,

01:09:50.887 --> 01:09:54.991
like I want to ruin this
before it goes bad.

01:09:55.124 --> 01:09:56.392
Like I want to be a step ahead.

01:09:56.526 --> 01:09:58.795
And really isolated myself,

01:09:58.928 --> 01:10:00.963
kind of like fell in
this depression for a bit.

01:10:01.097 --> 01:10:02.965
And I was drinking a lot too.

01:10:03.099 --> 01:10:05.568
And then I went to therapy.

01:10:05.701 --> 01:10:07.503
I was sober for, like, a year,

01:10:07.637 --> 01:10:09.839
and that's when it kind
of just dug up a lot of stuff

01:10:09.972 --> 01:10:13.643
about just my own value and,
like, what happened with my mom.

01:10:16.145 --> 01:10:19.615
Now, like, I have to start,
like, leaning into
that discomfort,

01:10:20.583 --> 01:10:24.387
um, or I'm gonna be, like,
emotionally stunted
my whole life.

01:10:25.088 --> 01:10:26.756
Uh, I don't want that.

01:10:30.259 --> 01:10:33.529
[Reed]
So it seems like you guys
have never really talked about

01:10:34.063 --> 01:10:35.431
your mom leaving together?

01:10:35.565 --> 01:10:37.600
Like, I was wondering
why that is.

01:10:40.536 --> 01:10:42.505
I feel like we have, but it's,

01:10:42.638 --> 01:10:44.307
maybe I'm just making that up.

01:10:44.941 --> 01:10:47.877
[Sam]
I think Jared was like
spiking up and down from things,

01:10:48.010 --> 01:10:49.545
'cause you were
actually like dealing with it.

01:10:49.679 --> 01:10:51.080
-Maybe. Yeah, I guess so.
-Yeah.

01:10:51.214 --> 01:10:52.482
And, like, I, I,

01:10:52.615 --> 01:10:53.816
as an adult,
like, that's what I learned,

01:10:53.950 --> 01:10:57.620
was, like, I think
I saw that younger

01:10:57.753 --> 01:10:59.422
as, like, a weakness of yours.

01:10:59.555 --> 01:11:01.524
When now I've come to,
like, realize, like,

01:11:01.657 --> 01:11:03.426
oh, you were actually
just, like,

01:11:03.559 --> 01:11:07.897
much more emotionally,
like, confident and,
and dealing with it.

01:11:08.030 --> 01:11:09.699
And I chose to ignore it
and, like,

01:11:09.832 --> 01:11:12.835
stay very, like,
guarded and protected by it.

01:11:12.969 --> 01:11:14.337
[somber music]

01:11:14.470 --> 01:11:15.371
[Bailey]
Quick.

01:11:15.505 --> 01:11:17.840
[singer humming]

01:11:19.208 --> 01:11:21.310
[Sam]
It feels like
we're gonna get stuck up here.

01:11:21.444 --> 01:11:22.945
[Nina]
You have to count to ten.

01:11:23.079 --> 01:11:26.782
[Bailey]
Okay, one, two,
three, four, five...

01:11:26.916 --> 01:11:29.218
-[Sam] Okay, no,
come back, come back.
-[laughter]

01:11:30.153 --> 01:11:32.088
[Reed]
Sam has been
with his partner Bailey

01:11:32.221 --> 01:11:33.789
for the past five years.

01:11:34.857 --> 01:11:38.060
Every Monday, they take care
of Bailey's niece, Nina.

01:11:38.194 --> 01:11:39.962
[Bailey]
Yeah!

01:11:40.096 --> 01:11:41.397
[Sam]
Nice, Nina.

01:11:43.366 --> 01:11:44.801
-[Bailey] Whoo!
-[Sam] Bouncy,

01:11:44.934 --> 01:11:47.937
-bouncy, bouncy.
-[Bailey laughing]

01:11:48.070 --> 01:11:49.806
[Sam] I like coming
to playgrounds with her.
We had a good,

01:11:49.939 --> 01:11:52.108
solid hot lava monster
game going.

01:11:52.909 --> 01:11:54.577
[Bailey]
Was too tough
of a course though.

01:11:54.710 --> 01:11:55.878
-[Sam] Too tough of a course.
-[Bailey] It was really--

01:11:56.012 --> 01:11:57.647
[Sam]
It's hard as a hot lava monster.

01:11:57.780 --> 01:11:59.081
-[Bailey] Yeah,
hot lava is hard.
-[Sam] Yeah.

01:11:59.749 --> 01:12:02.318
[Reed]
Do you guys
ever talk about having kids?

01:12:02.451 --> 01:12:03.619
Yeah.

01:12:04.353 --> 01:12:05.621
Um...

01:12:05.755 --> 01:12:07.323
-[both laughing]
-Yeah.

01:12:07.456 --> 01:12:12.261
I started the question
of, um, fostering or adopting.

01:12:12.395 --> 01:12:14.764
I mean, I honestly had never
even, like, considered that

01:12:14.897 --> 01:12:18.601
until you brought it up,
but I think we're like,

01:12:20.703 --> 01:12:22.605
-we, like, plan on doing it.
-Yeah.

01:12:22.738 --> 01:12:25.374
[Nina]
And now
the ice cream truck is gone.

01:12:25.508 --> 01:12:27.443
-[Bailey] Yeah, aw.
-[Nina wailing]

01:12:27.577 --> 01:12:28.911
Yeah.

01:12:29.045 --> 01:12:30.580
Hey, do you wanna race me
up the top of this slide?

01:12:30.713 --> 01:12:32.381
-Ready?
-[Nina] Which one?

01:12:32.515 --> 01:12:34.016
[Bailey]
This one, ready? Go.

01:12:35.318 --> 01:12:36.652
Oh. You. [grunts]

01:12:37.587 --> 01:12:40.389
[Sam]
I think I have
a sense for, like, nurturing.

01:12:40.523 --> 01:12:41.924
I, I like it. I enjoy it.

01:12:42.391 --> 01:12:44.026
Um, I think that's, like,
why I worked

01:12:44.160 --> 01:12:46.462
with young people
a long time too.

01:12:46.596 --> 01:12:48.764
Like coaching, you know?

01:12:48.898 --> 01:12:50.766
I think there's also just,
in my family, there's,

01:12:50.900 --> 01:12:52.768
-like, a lot of,
like, nurturing in the family.
-[Bailey]Mm-hmm.

01:12:52.902 --> 01:12:54.804
[Sam]
Like, lots of teachers.

01:12:54.937 --> 01:12:57.940
My dad, I think, was really
big on raising the family.

01:12:58.074 --> 01:12:59.842
[soft somber music]

01:12:59.976 --> 01:13:01.811
[sirens wailing]

01:13:01.944 --> 01:13:03.746
[Reed]
Over the last decade,

01:13:03.879 --> 01:13:06.415
Sam's career has been
centered on youth social work.

01:13:08.951 --> 01:13:10.453
[Sam]
I think relationship building
is, like,

01:13:10.586 --> 01:13:12.088
the most important thing
you can be doing

01:13:12.221 --> 01:13:14.423
with young people
experiencing homelessness,

01:13:14.857 --> 01:13:17.493
getting out to them
and having conversations.

01:13:17.994 --> 01:13:20.029
So many adults have wronged
them forever and ever,

01:13:20.162 --> 01:13:25.568
and ever and ever, and you're
just one of those adults too.

01:13:30.473 --> 01:13:31.874
[soft music]

01:13:32.008 --> 01:13:33.476
[Sam]
I was thinking
a little bit about

01:13:33.609 --> 01:13:35.645
how all my work revolves
around helping those

01:13:35.778 --> 01:13:37.013
that, like, need a lot of help

01:13:37.146 --> 01:13:39.649
and didn't have
easy access to help.

01:13:40.916 --> 01:13:42.385
Just, you know,
whenever I have problems,

01:13:42.518 --> 01:13:44.153
I think I try to, like,
fix other people's problems

01:13:44.287 --> 01:13:46.188
and that's a way,
like, I kind of focus

01:13:46.322 --> 01:13:48.190
on not handling my own shit.

01:13:53.863 --> 01:13:57.333
I asked if, because of
all the trips to Third Beach,

01:13:57.466 --> 01:13:58.601
if you ever felt
like you were, like,

01:13:58.734 --> 01:14:00.569
a professional
boulder jumper,

01:14:00.703 --> 01:14:03.539
'cause I definitely
felt like that growing up.

01:14:04.573 --> 01:14:05.741
Like, I could just
run on driftwood

01:14:05.875 --> 01:14:08.611
and boulders and never fall.

01:14:10.313 --> 01:14:12.848
I don't think that anymore.
I'll definitely fall.

01:14:17.753 --> 01:14:20.790
Actually, I don't think
I'd fall, ever. [laughs]

01:14:21.624 --> 01:14:24.760
[soft music continues]

01:14:31.467 --> 01:14:33.602
All right, what questions
are you gonna ask me?

01:14:33.736 --> 01:14:35.104
[Reed]
What's happening for you
right now?

01:14:35.237 --> 01:14:36.872
-[Sam] With my mom?
-[Reed] Yeah.

01:14:37.006 --> 01:14:39.942
Well, she was, like,
angry with me because I, like,

01:14:40.743 --> 01:14:44.914
I hadn't, like,
responded to her messages

01:14:45.047 --> 01:14:46.716
for, like, a while or
something and it was, it was,

01:14:46.849 --> 01:14:48.584
I hadn't,
but she was just saying

01:14:48.718 --> 01:14:49.752
some, like, pretty harsh things

01:14:49.885 --> 01:14:52.121
that felt like this side of her

01:14:52.254 --> 01:14:54.523
that was, like,
only really shown to me.

01:14:55.725 --> 01:14:58.127
[Jois]
I was upset with him
because I never heard from him.

01:14:58.260 --> 01:15:01.964
I never got acknowledgments
for gifts that I had sent,

01:15:02.098 --> 01:15:03.733
never heard
from him on holidays.

01:15:03.866 --> 01:15:05.501
Christmas, wouldn't hear from,

01:15:05.634 --> 01:15:06.869
hadn't heard
from him on Christmas

01:15:07.002 --> 01:15:08.671
for, like, two years in a row.

01:15:08.804 --> 01:15:11.040
And I thought, "Okay,
you can at least do that.

01:15:11.173 --> 01:15:12.908
You can at least go
through the motions."

01:15:13.042 --> 01:15:14.510
It's a little dance that we do,

01:15:14.643 --> 01:15:17.046
that, that people do to make
each other feel better.

01:15:17.546 --> 01:15:21.283
So I felt like he was
punishing me for some reason.

01:15:21.417 --> 01:15:22.785
And I let him know that.

01:15:23.786 --> 01:15:25.287
[Sam]
I get an email from my mom

01:15:25.421 --> 01:15:27.523
that's basically
just, like, calling me out,

01:15:27.656 --> 01:15:29.191
like, "You've always
been ungrateful."

01:15:29.325 --> 01:15:31.961
Like, "What did I ever do to
deserve this kind of treatment?"

01:15:32.094 --> 01:15:35.865
And that I, like, never, like,
forgave her for her leaving,

01:15:35.998 --> 01:15:37.600
like, things like that.

01:15:37.733 --> 01:15:41.103
So I respond apologizing
that I had hurt her.

01:15:41.237 --> 01:15:43.072
And then she went off again,
responding just like,

01:15:43.205 --> 01:15:44.907
"You're trying to,
like, social-work me."

01:15:45.441 --> 01:15:47.843
And that's kind of, like,
what I brought to Jared,

01:15:47.977 --> 01:15:50.513
and I was like,
"Has this ever happened to you?"

01:15:50.946 --> 01:15:52.515
And he's like, "No,
I've never seen that."

01:15:52.648 --> 01:15:54.650
And I was like, "Has she ever
talked to you like that before?"

01:15:54.784 --> 01:15:56.051
And he was like, "No."

01:15:57.153 --> 01:15:58.788
And that felt super isolating.

01:15:58.921 --> 01:16:01.090
It was just like, "I'm
the only one experiencing this."

01:16:01.223 --> 01:16:02.224
[somber music]

01:16:02.658 --> 01:16:04.827
It really feels like I'm
the reminder of her mistakes.

01:16:04.960 --> 01:16:06.762
I'm the only one that's,
like, called her out

01:16:06.896 --> 01:16:08.764
and tried to hold her
accountable to it.

01:16:11.500 --> 01:16:14.336
-Yeah.
-[Randy] So this gets kind
of hard to talk about.

01:16:14.470 --> 01:16:19.175
And I have to, gotta tell
you that... there were times

01:16:19.308 --> 01:16:23.279
when I felt
that I was verbally abused.

01:16:24.079 --> 01:16:29.385
Little bit of flying off
the handle directed right at me.

01:16:30.820 --> 01:16:33.389
And I didn't know
when that might happen.

01:16:36.992 --> 01:16:38.594
[Jois]
I know what it's
like to lash out.

01:16:38.727 --> 01:16:40.996
-Randy's felt it. Randy knows.
-[Doris] Yeah, I know. I know.

01:16:41.130 --> 01:16:42.832
Right, you've gone through it.

01:16:44.099 --> 01:16:46.836
-Under siege, right.
-[Jois] I, I know, uh,

01:16:46.969 --> 01:16:48.871
I know that behavior
in that state of mind.

01:16:49.004 --> 01:16:51.974
[Doris]
We were talking
about another individual

01:16:52.107 --> 01:16:54.376
who was narcissistic.

01:16:54.510 --> 01:16:57.246
She turned to me
and she said, "That's me."

01:16:57.646 --> 01:16:59.381
That's me. I know it.

01:17:00.416 --> 01:17:02.618
[Doris]
Well, I've got a book
I want you to read.

01:17:03.385 --> 01:17:06.822
Have you heard about it?
The Wizard of Oz
and Other Narcissists?

01:17:06.956 --> 01:17:08.824
In this book,
it's almost something

01:17:08.958 --> 01:17:11.026
you can't throw off
and get rid of.

01:17:11.160 --> 01:17:13.295
It's, it's,
it's a have-to-win style.

01:17:13.429 --> 01:17:15.898
And so I don't think
that's where you are.

01:17:16.031 --> 01:17:18.567
I don't know necessarily
that it's have-to-win

01:17:18.701 --> 01:17:20.202
as much as you need to engage,

01:17:20.336 --> 01:17:22.304
-you need people
to engage with you.
-[Doris] Huh.

01:17:22.438 --> 01:17:25.541
And the only way you know how
to do it is at this one level.

01:17:26.108 --> 01:17:27.209
[Doris]
Oh, yeah.

01:17:27.343 --> 01:17:29.078
And, and,
and I was telling Reed,

01:17:29.211 --> 01:17:32.815
it's like you get
into this spiral like,

01:17:32.948 --> 01:17:34.316
you know,
like the Tasmanian devil.

01:17:34.450 --> 01:17:36.018
-[Jois imitating whirring]
-[Doris] Yes.

01:17:36.151 --> 01:17:37.920
And, and you just whip,
get whipped up

01:17:38.053 --> 01:17:39.488
and you can't get out of it.

01:17:39.622 --> 01:17:41.624
It's like, you know, it's
like your toddlers that have

01:17:41.757 --> 01:17:43.559
-temper tantrums,
and they can't get out of it.
-[Denis] Yeah. Yeah.

01:17:43.692 --> 01:17:45.261
-Yeah.
-They can't stop.

01:17:45.394 --> 01:17:47.396
[Doris]
Right. Yeah,
that is one of the things.

01:17:47.530 --> 01:17:49.365
-That's it.
-Until you've got
some catharsis,

01:17:49.498 --> 01:17:51.300
and it usually means
hurting somebody,

01:17:51.433 --> 01:17:53.802
-or hurting yourself, you know?
-[Denis] Yeah.

01:17:53.936 --> 01:17:55.771
But, but that's what stops it.

01:17:57.006 --> 01:17:59.208
[wind whooshing]

01:18:04.113 --> 01:18:05.748
[Sam]
I feel pressured
to be like, "Get over it,"

01:18:05.881 --> 01:18:08.551
but I don't have
to get over something

01:18:08.684 --> 01:18:10.519
to build a relationship
with my mom.
I can still be like,

01:18:10.653 --> 01:18:11.820
"This is something you did,

01:18:12.388 --> 01:18:14.490
let's work
on our relationship still."

01:18:17.393 --> 01:18:18.761
I think it's just,
like, super complicated,

01:18:18.894 --> 01:18:20.262
even to talk to Bailey
about, like,

01:18:20.396 --> 01:18:21.797
the relationship
I want from my mom.

01:18:21.931 --> 01:18:23.165
Like, still
wanting a relationship,

01:18:23.299 --> 01:18:26.368
and, like, I'm learning
how to engage

01:18:26.502 --> 01:18:29.371
and disengage if needed,
set boundaries and all that.

01:18:30.606 --> 01:18:33.275
Me, Jared and Bailey
went down to Jacksonville

01:18:33.409 --> 01:18:34.376
for Thanksgiving dinner.

01:18:34.510 --> 01:18:36.045
And I think
there was like a sense

01:18:36.178 --> 01:18:37.646
that I didn't wanna spend
too much time down there,

01:18:37.780 --> 01:18:39.248
and I don't think
she really wanted

01:18:39.381 --> 01:18:42.618
to, like, have us spend
a ton of time down there either.

01:18:42.751 --> 01:18:45.054
Like, this is about as much
as we can, like, handle

01:18:45.187 --> 01:18:47.022
of each other right now
and that's okay.

01:18:47.556 --> 01:18:49.158
So, it, it, you know,
it was, like, one night,

01:18:49.291 --> 01:18:50.993
and then we left the next day.

01:18:52.294 --> 01:18:54.463
Um, yeah.

01:18:55.798 --> 01:18:57.099
Which is fine.

01:19:03.038 --> 01:19:06.208
[Doris]
I have no ill will
about her at all.

01:19:06.342 --> 01:19:11.080
I just feel like
maybe we fuss and stew around

01:19:11.213 --> 01:19:13.549
about people,
and what they should look like,

01:19:13.682 --> 01:19:15.851
and what they should do,
and how they should act,

01:19:15.985 --> 01:19:18.587
and what kind
of parents they are.

01:19:18.721 --> 01:19:20.155
The individual happiness

01:19:20.289 --> 01:19:25.060
has got to have great importance
for every individual.

01:19:26.128 --> 01:19:29.365
And you don't just stick around
with something you hate.

01:19:29.498 --> 01:19:31.800
And I think
that's where she was.

01:19:31.934 --> 01:19:33.769
[pan sizzling]

01:19:33.902 --> 01:19:35.437
How long can you
hold a grudge, anyhow?

01:19:35.571 --> 01:19:37.006
That's not good for you.

01:19:37.139 --> 01:19:40.275
[somber music]

01:19:41.243 --> 01:19:46.949
I think, ultimately, she did
the right thing for herself.

01:19:47.082 --> 01:19:49.184
And she, I think
she's enjoying taking care

01:19:49.318 --> 01:19:52.388
of, of her husband
and her house and her garden.

01:19:52.521 --> 01:19:58.260
And... I think that it's
what Jois was looking for.

01:20:00.529 --> 01:20:02.431
You don't know what
goes on in other people,

01:20:02.564 --> 01:20:04.433
you have no idea
what people are thinking

01:20:04.566 --> 01:20:07.503
or what their deep thoughts
are about things.

01:20:07.636 --> 01:20:10.105
They're not gonna
reveal that to you.

01:20:11.640 --> 01:20:13.175
Jois sure didn't.

01:20:13.842 --> 01:20:16.011
[soft music]

01:20:27.322 --> 01:20:28.757
[Reed]
When we started this,

01:20:29.191 --> 01:20:31.894
all Sam wanted was
to get his mom back.

01:20:34.396 --> 01:20:36.031
Did we ever get her back?

01:20:37.933 --> 01:20:39.134
I don't know.

01:20:45.174 --> 01:20:46.875
We may try to change things,

01:20:48.444 --> 01:20:50.345
but we end up in the same place.

01:20:51.447 --> 01:20:53.482
Replaying our scenes
over and over,

01:20:54.116 --> 01:20:55.884
generation to generation.

01:21:00.155 --> 01:21:01.657
Sometimes maybe
we can catch a glimpse

01:21:01.790 --> 01:21:04.693
of the cycle we're in
and see for a moment

01:21:04.827 --> 01:21:07.963
how everyone is
playing out their own version

01:21:08.097 --> 01:21:09.898
of a story that came before.

01:21:26.915 --> 01:21:30.185
One thing I keep going back to
is how I just wanna hang out

01:21:30.319 --> 01:21:32.988
with my little brother
like we used to.

01:21:34.757 --> 01:21:36.024
No more questions.

01:21:36.158 --> 01:21:38.093
[water lapping]

01:21:40.763 --> 01:21:43.198
[gentle somber music]

01:22:31.013 --> 01:22:35.184
♪ Come rain, come on rain ♪

01:22:35.317 --> 01:22:39.288
♪ Come down and wash us away ♪

01:22:39.421 --> 01:22:43.525
♪ Come on rain, come on rain ♪

01:22:43.659 --> 01:22:47.429
♪ Come down and wash us away ♪

01:22:47.563 --> 01:22:51.466
♪ Come rain, come rain ♪

01:22:51.600 --> 01:22:55.137
♪ Come down and wash us away ♪

01:22:55.270 --> 01:22:59.241
♪ Come on rain, come on rain ♪

01:22:59.374 --> 01:23:06.548
♪ Come down and wash us away ♪

01:23:09.785 --> 01:23:14.256
♪ Wash us away ♪

01:23:17.292 --> 01:23:21.330
♪ Wash us away ♪

01:23:34.676 --> 01:23:37.679
[gentle music]

01:23:45.787 --> 01:23:51.159
♪ If this journey
takes us forever ♪

01:23:51.593 --> 01:23:56.999
♪ I will always
stay by your side ♪

01:23:57.799 --> 01:24:02.971
♪ I will never ever remember ♪

01:24:03.405 --> 01:24:08.877
♪ Oh, the day
you told a crazy lie ♪

01:24:09.011 --> 01:24:12.114
♪ So don't worry ♪

01:24:12.247 --> 01:24:15.651
♪ Put your head on my lap ♪

01:24:16.218 --> 01:24:20.289
♪ We'll spend the morning here ♪

01:24:21.089 --> 01:24:23.625
♪ So don't worry ♪

01:24:23.759 --> 01:24:27.963
♪ Though the thunder may clap ♪

01:24:28.096 --> 01:24:31.767
♪ We'll spend the morning here ♪

01:24:32.668 --> 01:24:39.841
♪ If this journey
takes us forever ♪

01:24:44.046 --> 01:24:45.113
[slow upbeat music]

01:24:45.247 --> 01:24:47.316
♪ You used to joke ♪

01:24:50.619 --> 01:24:54.189
♪ Your name can
translate to mean ♪

01:24:57.326 --> 01:25:00.329
♪ Sir Nothing or Cold ♪

01:25:02.764 --> 01:25:06.601
♪ When said in Japanese ♪

01:25:09.671 --> 01:25:12.474
♪ And I started to think ♪

01:25:15.410 --> 01:25:18.580
♪ Maybe that suits me more ♪

01:25:21.683 --> 01:25:25.354
♪ 'Cause you're off
running and jumping ♪

01:25:27.823 --> 01:25:31.259
♪ And I'm just
crashed on the floor ♪

01:26:04.226 --> 01:26:06.928
[music continues]

01:26:29.017 --> 01:26:30.318
[cymbals chiming]

01:26:31.219 --> 01:26:32.988
[gentle inspirational music]