OCD: The War Inside
- Description
- Reviews
- Citation
- Cataloging
- Transcript
They seem like ordinary people. They have no physical disabilities and appear as functional as the next person. But their lives have been shadowed by the crippling effects of Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, a misunderstood anxiety disorder characterized by intrusive thoughts, nagging fears and ritualistic behaviour. OCD: The War Inside documents the personal stories of several individuals who fight to survive a war inside their minds. Their stories reveal a deeper aspect to the disorder, which goes beyond the constant hand washing, door locking and other repetitive acts typically associated with OCD
“I stumbled upon this site by accident and had no intentions on even watching a movie. This is one of the best films I have ever watched by far. Extraordinary work by a very talented film maker! Thank you so much for your contributions in making this film and for giving us a candid look into O.C.D. I can't help but to wonder if everyone doesn't have some degree of this disease? ”
Citation
Main credits
Pancer, Mark (film director)
Hoffert, David (film director)
Hoffert, David (composer)
Basmajian, Silva (film producer)
Other credits
Editor, Greg West; director of photography, Barry Stone; original music by Paul Hoffert.
Distributor subjects
Children and Youth; Families; People with disabilities; Psychology and Psychiatry; Obsessive-compulsive disorder; Obsessive-compulsive disorderKeywords
WEBVTT
00:00:55.000 --> 00:00:58.166
I FIRST NOTICED
THE STRANGE BEHAVIOUR IN MYSELF
00:00:58.167 --> 00:01:00.458
WHEN I WAS ABOUT 12 YEARS OLD.
00:01:00.459 --> 00:01:02.583
I WOULD DO THINGS LIKE CHECK
THE LOCK ON THE DOOR
00:01:02.584 --> 00:01:07.166
TWO, THREE, FOUR TIMES TO MAKE
SURE IT WAS LOCKED.
00:01:07.167 --> 00:01:08.125
THINGS LIKE RADIOS BEING OFF,
00:01:08.126 --> 00:01:11.666
CHECKING IT AND PRESSING IT
DOWN TWO, THREE, FOUR, TIMES,
00:01:11.667 --> 00:01:14.998
UNTIL EVENTUALLY
IT WOULD BREAK OFF.
00:01:14.999 --> 00:01:17.333
OR SYMMETRY WAS HUGE,
LIKE WITH PICTURES,
00:01:17.334 --> 00:01:18.998
MAKING SURE THEY WERE A LINED
JUST SO
00:01:18.999 --> 00:01:25.292
UNTIL EVERYTHING IN SOME WEIRD
SORT OF WAY FELT RIGHT.
00:01:27.584 --> 00:01:30.333
DURING ALL THIS I WAS
ONE HUNDRED PERCENT AWARE
00:01:30.334 --> 00:01:36.209
THAT WHAT I WAS DOING
WAS STUPID, WAS RIDICULOUS.
00:01:36.999 --> 00:01:38.500
I WOULD ALMOST STEP OUT
OF MYSELF
00:01:38.501 --> 00:01:41.583
AND WATCH THESE THINGS BEING
PERFORMED GOING:
00:01:41.584 --> 00:01:44.999
WHAT THE HELL IS HE DOING?
00:01:46.167 --> 00:01:48.124
BUT IT WAS AMAZING TO FIND OUT
THAT I WAS ACTUALLY
00:01:48.125 --> 00:01:52.501
JUST ONE OF MILLIONS THAT HAD
THIS BIZARRE DISORDER.
00:01:55.042 --> 00:01:58.125
OCD IS A CHEMICAL IMBALANCE.
00:01:59.292 --> 00:02:00.791
UM, IT\'S A MENTAL ILLNESS.
00:02:00.792 --> 00:02:05.999
IT HAS TWO PARTS - OBSESSIVE
COMPULSIVE DISORDER.
00:02:06.292 --> 00:02:07.999
GET IT - OCD?
00:02:08.042 --> 00:02:11.541
OBSESSIONS ARE THOUGHTS,
UNWANTED THOUGHTS
00:02:11.542 --> 00:02:13.708
THAT YOU CAN\'T GET RID OF
IN YOUR HEAD.
00:02:13.709 --> 00:02:17.750
IT MAKES YOU THINK OF, UH,
THINGS TOTALLY DIFFERENT
00:02:17.751 --> 00:02:19.998
THAN ANY NORMAL PERSON WOULD.
00:02:19.999 --> 00:02:21.500
THOUGHTS ABOUT HURTING PEOPLE,
00:02:21.501 --> 00:02:25.209
THOUGHTS ABOUT, UH, SEXUAL
DEVIATION.
00:02:25.959 --> 00:02:26.792
AND I CAN\'T BELIEVE I THINK IT.
00:02:26.793 --> 00:02:29.750
I CAN\'T BELIEVE THAT THOSE
THOUGHTS COME INTO MY MIND.
00:02:29.751 --> 00:02:33.875
THE COMPULSION IS THE ACTUAL
PHYSICAL DOING
00:02:33.876 --> 00:02:36.959
TO RELIEVE THESE THOUGHTS.
00:02:38.334 --> 00:02:42.958
IF YOUR OBSESSION IS MY HANDS
AREN\'T CLEAN ENOUGH,
00:02:42.959 --> 00:02:46.750
THE COMPULSION WOULD BE MAYBE
TO WASH YOUR HANDS.
00:02:46.751 --> 00:02:50.958
THEY CAN SPEND TWO, THREE HOURS
JUST WASHING THEIR HANDS.
00:02:50.959 --> 00:02:52.791
HOARDING GARBAGE, COUNTING,
CHECKING,
00:02:52.792 --> 00:02:58.709
THERE\'S A WHOLE MYRIAD OF
DIFFERENT COMPULSIVE RITUALS.
00:02:58.999 --> 00:03:02.249
IT\'S LIKE HAVING LIKE A BULLY
THAT\'S THERE WITH YOU
00:03:02.250 --> 00:03:04.999
TWENTY-FOUR HOURS A DAY.
00:03:07.042 --> 00:03:08.166
OKAY, HELLO BOYS AND GIRLS.
00:03:08.167 --> 00:03:11.082
WELCOME TO THE 1997 CHRISTMAS
TREE DECORATING.
00:03:11.083 --> 00:03:12.083
00:03:12.084 --> 00:03:13.208
00:03:13.209 --> 00:03:15.958
1996, WHATEVER
AND I\'M ANDY STEWART.
00:03:15.959 --> 00:03:22.501
I\'LL BE HERE TO INTRODUCE YOU
TO OUR CHRISTMAS TREE, 1996.
00:03:26.834 --> 00:03:31.458
PART OF MY BRAIN DOESN\'T WORK
AS WELL AS OTHERS.
00:03:31.459 --> 00:03:33.458
IT MAKES ME HAVE BAD THOUGHTS.
00:03:33.459 --> 00:03:35.998
IT MAKES ME HAVE RITUALS, THAT
00:03:35.999 --> 00:03:40.249
RITUALS AND I DON\'T MEAN HABITS.
IT MEANS HABITS.
00:03:40.250 --> 00:03:41.958
AND A FEW OF THOSE ARE,
00:03:41.959 --> 00:03:46.291
A FEW OF THOSE HABITS ARE
I TOUCH STUFF WITH BOTH HANDS,
00:03:46.292 --> 00:03:48.626
ALL OVER, LIKE THIS.
00:03:48.709 --> 00:03:50.833
AND MY BAD THOUGHT WILL MAKE
ME DO IT.
00:03:50.834 --> 00:03:54.416
LIKE I GET KIDNAPPED OR MY
PARENTS WOULD GET KIDNAPPED,
00:03:54.417 --> 00:03:56.041
I\'D FALL THROUGH A DRAIN PIPE.
00:03:56.042 --> 00:03:57.791
TOUCHING LIKE THIS,
TOUCHING THE FLOOR.
00:03:57.792 --> 00:03:59.999
RIGHT AFTER HE TURNED
9 YEARS OLD,
00:04:00.000 --> 00:04:01.750
JUST CAME IN OUT OF THE BLUE.
00:04:01.751 --> 00:04:05.291
HIS RITUALS CHANGED
ALMOST HOUR BY HOUR.
00:04:05.292 --> 00:04:07.998
I WAS AT WORK AND I WAS PHONING
HOME THROUGHOUT THE DAY
00:04:07.999 --> 00:04:10.666
TO FIND OUT WHAT NEW
WAS HAPPENING.
00:04:10.667 --> 00:04:12.998
AND BETWEEN A MONDAY
AND A FRIDAY,
00:04:12.999 --> 00:04:16.082
MONDAY BEING FAIRLY FREE
OF RITUALS AND FRIDAY
00:04:16.083 --> 00:04:17.833
JUST TOTALLY CONSUMED BY THEM.
00:04:17.834 --> 00:04:19.958
ANOTHER ONE WOULD BE FLICKING
THE LIGHTS ON AND OFF LIKE THIS.
00:04:19.959 --> 00:04:22.833
SUDDENLY WE REALIZED WE WERE
DEALING WITH SOMETHING THAT
00:04:22.834 --> 00:04:24.249
WE WEREN\'T EXPECTING AT ALL.
00:04:24.250 --> 00:04:29.875
AND THEN I WOULD HAVE
MY GNAWING ONES. GO LIKE THIS.
00:04:29.876 --> 00:04:32.291
HE KNOWS HE SHOULDN\'T BE
RUNNING OUT INTO THE STREET
00:04:32.292 --> 00:04:32.999
TO GNAW THE STREET.
00:04:33.000 --> 00:04:36.541
OVER AND OVER AGAIN.
\'TIL THE BAD THOUGHTS PASS.
00:04:36.542 --> 00:04:39.416
HE KNOWS HE SHOULDN\'T BE
PICKING HIS SCABS
00:04:39.417 --> 00:04:41.625
\'TILL THEY BLOW UP AND INFECT.
00:04:41.626 --> 00:04:42.958
AND THEN I WOULD HAVE PICKING
MY LIP
00:04:42.959 --> 00:04:47.998
LIKE I\'D HAVE TO TEAR OFF
THE LIP. AND THAT\'S ABOUT IT.
00:04:47.999 --> 00:04:52.708
ONE OF THE SCARIEST ONES HE DID
WAS ON A DIRTY SUBWAY FLOOR.
00:04:52.709 --> 00:04:54.208
DO YOU REMEMBER THAT?
00:04:54.209 --> 00:04:55.501
YEAH.
00:05:00.250 --> 00:05:03.374
HE WOULD GNAW AND BITE
THE DIRTY SUBWAY FLOOR,
00:05:03.375 --> 00:05:04.083
WHICH UPSET YOU A LOT TOO
00:05:04.084 --> 00:05:06.998
\'CAUSE YOU KNEW IT MADE
ABSOLUTELY NO SENSE TO DO IT,
00:05:06.999 --> 00:05:10.374
BUT AGAIN YOUR BRAIN TOLD YOU
TO DO IT.
00:05:10.375 --> 00:05:14.666
AT SCHOOL HE WOULD UH, PUT
SHARDS OF GLASS FROM
THE PLAYGROUND
00:05:14.667 --> 00:05:16.208
WHEN THERE WERE SOME
IN HIS MOUTH,
00:05:16.209 --> 00:05:18.333
BECAUSE YOUR BRAIN TOLD YOU
TO DO THAT.
00:05:18.334 --> 00:05:19.998
AND PRETTY SCARY THINGS LIKE
THAT.
00:05:19.999 --> 00:05:23.666
I HAVE CERTAIN BAD THOUGHTS LIKE
MY PARENTS WOULD GET KIDNAPPED,
00:05:23.667 --> 00:05:26.998
I\'D GET KIDNAPPED,
I\'D FALL THROUGH A DRAIN PIPE.
00:05:26.999 --> 00:05:28.333
MY FAMILY WOULD GET HURT.
00:05:28.334 --> 00:05:30.041
AND I DID LOTS OF HABITS FROM
THOSE THOUGHTS
00:05:30.042 --> 00:05:32.500
AND ONE OF THOSE HABITS WOULD
BE IN THE KITCHEN.
00:05:32.501 --> 00:05:37.167
I\'D PUT A KNIFE INTO MY CHEST,
INTO MY MOUTH.
00:05:39.334 --> 00:05:43.833
AND THEN I\'D TAKE IT OUT AND
I\'D FEEL RELIEF FOR A SECOND.
00:05:43.834 --> 00:05:45.917
AND THEN I\'D HAVE TO DO IT OVER
AND OVER AGAIN.
00:05:45.918 --> 00:05:51.166
FEEL RELIEF FOR A SECOND
AND THEN OVER AND OVER AGAIN.
00:05:51.167 --> 00:05:53.875
SUDDENLY, BOOM, ANDREW WOULD
JUST BECOME
00:05:53.876 --> 00:05:58.999
LIKE JEKYLL AND HYDE,
A DIFFERENT PERSON.
00:05:59.584 --> 00:06:01.917
HE WOULD THROW THINGS,
SPIT, BITE.
00:06:01.918 --> 00:06:04.998
THERE WERE EXPLETIVES.EVERY SWEAR
WORD IN THE WORLD WOULD COME OUT.
00:06:04.999 --> 00:06:08.249
YOU FUCKIN\' BITCH, YOU FUCKIN\'
ASSHOLE, YOU SMELL LIKE SHIT,
00:06:08.250 --> 00:06:09.583
YOU FUCKIN\' ASSHOLE.
00:06:09.584 --> 00:06:11.917
IT MADE ME CRY
AND MY PARENTS CRY.
00:06:11.918 --> 00:06:13.458
EVEN MY SISTER AINSLEY CRY.
00:06:13.459 --> 00:06:16.374
AINSLEY, WHAT\'S IT LIKE LIVING
WITH A BROTHER WHO HAS OCD?
00:06:16.375 --> 00:06:17.998
TELL ME ABOUT IT.
00:06:17.999 --> 00:06:20.208
WELL, IT\'S KIND OF PAIN.
00:06:20.209 --> 00:06:24.292
HE DOES THINGS THAT HIS
OCD MAKES HIM DO
00:06:25.000 --> 00:06:27.998
AND I DON\'T LIKE WHEN
MY FRIENDS ARE OVER.
00:06:27.999 --> 00:06:30.917
I\'D BITE AND MY DAD HAD TO WEAR
WORK GLOVES
00:06:30.918 --> 00:06:33.833
\'CAUSE WHEN I GOT RESTRAINED
BECAUSE UM, I USED TO SPIT,
00:06:33.834 --> 00:06:36.958
BITE AND SCRATCH,
ONLY IN RAGES NOT IN REAL LIFE.
00:06:36.959 --> 00:06:38.583
AND I DON\'T MEAN ANYTHING
I SAY IN RAGES.
00:06:38.584 --> 00:06:41.917
I SWEAR BUT I DON\'T MEAN
ANYTHING I SAY.
00:06:41.918 --> 00:06:43.416
AT ITS WORST POINT WHICH
WAS LAST SPRING
00:06:43.417 --> 00:06:44.999
AND I THINK YOU\'D AGREE WITH
THIS, ANDREW,
00:06:45.000 --> 00:06:49.875
WE FEARED THAT WE COULDN\'T KEEP
ANDREW AT HOME.
00:06:49.876 --> 00:06:50.998
IT WAS THAT BAD.
00:06:50.999 --> 00:06:54.917
I\'M GETTING UPSET.
I KNOW, I KNOW, IT\'S UPSETTING.
BUT YOU\'RE OKAY, SWEETIE.
00:06:54.918 --> 00:06:57.082
IT\'S ABSOLUTELY FINE. YOU KNOW THAT WASN\'T,
WE WERE NEVER GOING TO SEND YOU AWAY.
00:06:57.083 --> 00:06:58.875
WE WERE NEVER GOING TO
SEND YOU AWAY.
00:06:58.876 --> 00:07:00.998
REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENED
TO AINSLEY?
00:07:00.999 --> 00:07:02.917
HIS 8 YEAR OLD SISTER
GOT SO UPSET
00:07:02.918 --> 00:07:05.998
THAT I FOUND HER ONE NIGHT
WITHOUT ANY SHOES ON
00:07:05.999 --> 00:07:08.998
IN THE SNOW JUST SHAKING
WITH FEAR.
00:07:08.999 --> 00:07:12.998
WHEN WE GOT THE RIGHT MEDS
AND AGAIN THE PROPER THERAPY,
00:07:12.999 --> 00:07:14.458
UM, A TOTAL CHANGE.
00:07:14.459 --> 00:07:16.291
CHANGED OVERNIGHT ALMOST.
00:07:16.292 --> 00:07:17.458
AND NOW YOU\'RE DOING JUST FINE,
ANDREW.
00:07:17.459 --> 00:07:19.666
THE SEVERITY HAS GREATLY
DIMINISHED.
00:07:19.667 --> 00:07:21.583
00:07:21.584 --> 00:07:23.791
HOW DID YOU FEEL ABOUT IT ALL,
SWEETIE?
00:07:23.792 --> 00:07:24.626
SCARED.
00:07:24.627 --> 00:07:25.999
YEAH.
00:07:30.999 --> 00:07:34.998
IT\'S HARD BECAUSE LIKE I WANT
TO BE LIKE EVERYONE ELSE
00:07:34.999 --> 00:07:36.999
SO BADLY.
00:07:40.999 --> 00:07:45.041
THE KEY PHRASE OF OCD
IS \"UNTIL IT FEELS RIGHT.\"
00:07:45.042 --> 00:07:49.999
I DO EVERYTHING
UNTIL IT FEELS RIGHT.
00:07:51.876 --> 00:07:54.124
YEAH, NOW EVERYONE KNOWS
MY SECRET.
00:07:54.125 --> 00:07:54.999
NOW I HAVE TWO KIDS.
00:07:55.000 --> 00:07:56.041
THIS DOESN\'T LOOK THAT
DIFFERENT THAN OUR LAUNDRY ROOM
00:07:56.042 --> 00:07:59.625
NO, BUT SEE THIS IS
ALL MY CLOTHES. (LAUGHING)
00:07:59.626 --> 00:08:03.166
SEE, THIS ISN\'T THE FAMILY\'S
CLOTHES, JUST MINE. SO-
00:08:03.167 --> 00:08:04.500
ARE THERE RITUALS THAT YOU GO
THROUGH IN HERE?
00:08:04.501 --> 00:08:08.998
YEAH. I WILL START, LIKE I\'LL
PUT A LOAD OF CLOTHES IN
00:08:08.999 --> 00:08:12.875
AND UM, I\'LL FIRST I\'LL HAVE
TO DECIDE WHAT GOES WITH WHAT
00:08:12.876 --> 00:08:15.500
BECAUSE LET\'S SAY I\'VE BEEN
TO MY DOCTOR\'S OFFICE.
00:08:15.501 --> 00:08:17.166
WELL I DON\'T WANT MY DOCTOR\'S
OFFICE CLOTHES
00:08:17.167 --> 00:08:18.998
TO GO IN WITH THE REST
OF THE CLOTHES BECAUSE
00:08:18.999 --> 00:08:21.998
THEY MIGHT BE CONTAMINATED
WITH DOCTOR\'S OFFICE GERMS.
00:08:21.999 --> 00:08:25.998
THEN WHAT\'S THE SENSE OF
WASHING THEM, RIGHT IF-
00:08:25.999 --> 00:08:26.459
OF COURSE.
00:08:26.460 --> 00:08:28.291
SO IT\'S NOTHING TO DO WITH
WHITES AND DARKS
00:08:28.292 --> 00:08:32.999
AND HOTS AND COLDS?
NO, NO, NO, I THROW BLACKS
AND WHITES IN. I DON\'T CARE.
00:08:35.584 --> 00:08:36.917
THIS IS THREE DAYS\' WORK.
00:08:36.918 --> 00:08:38.958
HOW MANY TIMES DID EACH ONE OF
THOSE ARTICLES
00:08:38.959 --> 00:08:41.041
GO THROUGH THE WASH?
00:08:41.042 --> 00:08:45.209
00:08:47.334 --> 00:08:48.708
SO WHAT FEELING WILL YOU GET?
00:08:48.709 --> 00:08:49.999
00:08:50.000 --> 00:08:53.291
I WON\'T BE ABLE TO GO TO SCHOOL
IN SEPTEMBER.
00:08:53.292 --> 00:08:54.998
IF I DON\'T GO TO SCHOOL
IN SEPTEMBER,
00:08:54.999 --> 00:08:59.500
I WON\'T GET AN EDUCATION. IF I DON\'T GET
AN EDUCATION I\'M GOING TO BE HOMELESS
00:08:59.501 --> 00:09:00.375
AND HAVE NO FUTURE.
00:09:00.376 --> 00:09:02.082
RIGHT. NOW THAT\'S
THE ONLY BAD THOUGHT
00:09:02.083 --> 00:09:04.124
YOU\'VE TALKED TO US ABOUT
SO FAR.
00:09:04.125 --> 00:09:05.998
MM-HM DO YOU HAVE ANY OTHER
BAD THOUGHTS
00:09:05.999 --> 00:09:06.834
YOU DON\'T MIND SHARING?
00:09:06.835 --> 00:09:09.750
YEAH, I HAVE PROBLEMS
WITH BABIES.
00:09:09.751 --> 00:09:11.416
I REALLY LIKE CHILDREN
00:09:11.417 --> 00:09:15.998
BUT I HAVE PROBLEMS SEEING
BABIES, HOLDING BABIES,
00:09:15.999 --> 00:09:17.958
GOING NEAR BABIES EVEN.
00:09:17.959 --> 00:09:20.959
I THINK WHEN UM, WHEN I UM,
00:09:21.834 --> 00:09:25.750
WHEN I TOUCH A BABY,
I\'M GONNA THROW IT.
00:09:25.751 --> 00:09:28.750
OR, IF I\'M LIKE IN
THE SHOPPING MALL
00:09:28.751 --> 00:09:31.583
AND I SEE A BABY BEING PUSHED
I THINK I\'M GONNA RUN OVER
00:09:31.584 --> 00:09:33.834
AND PUSH THE BABY -
00:09:33.999 --> 00:09:37.998
THE BABY CARRIAGE INTO A WALL
OR SOMETHING.
00:09:37.999 --> 00:09:40.998
SO I TRY AND AVOID BABIES.
00:09:40.999 --> 00:09:43.208
NOW LIKE WE ALWAYS SAY ABOUT
EVERY OTHER OCD THING,
00:09:43.209 --> 00:09:44.875
THAT IS THE OPPOSITE
OF HOW TRICIA FEELS.
00:09:44.876 --> 00:09:48.998
YEAH, SEE I KNOW DEEP DOWN
THAT I\'D NEVER HURT A CHILD.
00:09:48.999 --> 00:09:49.709
I\'D NEVER HURT ANYONE,
00:09:49.710 --> 00:09:53.875
ESPECIALLY AN INNOCENT
LITTLE BABY.
00:09:53.876 --> 00:09:55.958
A PERSON THAT CHECKS BOOKCASES,
00:09:55.959 --> 00:09:58.458
THAT JUST MAKES ME FEEL LIKE
MAYBE I\'M LIKE NUTS
00:09:58.459 --> 00:09:58.999
BUT I KNOW I\'M NOT.
00:09:59.000 --> 00:10:02.041
BUT A PERSON THAT THINKS ABOUT
HARMING CHILDREN,
00:10:02.042 --> 00:10:06.667
I THINK THAT\'S
A REAL YUCKY PERSON.
00:10:07.083 --> 00:10:11.626
I KNOW IT\'S THE OCD,
BUT IT HURTS.
00:10:16.834 --> 00:10:19.666
I NOTICED MY OCD AS FAR BACK
AS I CAN REMEMBER.
00:10:19.667 --> 00:10:24.166
WHEN I WAS REALLY LITTLE
LIKE, I HAD SUPER CURLY HAIR
00:10:24.167 --> 00:10:24.876
AND IT WAS IN RINGLETS
00:10:24.877 --> 00:10:27.333
SO MY PARENTS USED TO BRUSH IT
OUT WITH DETANGLER OR WATER
00:10:27.334 --> 00:10:29.998
WHEN I WAS LIKE YOU KNOW,
3, 4.
00:10:29.999 --> 00:10:30.999
IF WATER GOT ON MY CLOTHES,
00:10:31.000 --> 00:10:33.291
I\'D AUTOMATICALLY HAVE TO
GO GET CHANGED.
00:10:33.292 --> 00:10:34.958
I COULDN\'T WEAR THOSE CLOTHES
00:10:34.959 --> 00:10:37.998
BECAUSE THEY WERE CONTAMINATED.
00:10:37.999 --> 00:10:39.500
LIKE, I GIVE THEM PLENTY
OF HINTS.
00:10:39.501 --> 00:10:41.833
I USED TO WALK INTO THEIR ROOM
IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT
00:10:41.834 --> 00:10:44.791
SAYING: I\'M SCARED,
I DON\'T WANT TO LIVE,
00:10:44.792 --> 00:10:46.082
I CAN\'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE,
00:10:46.083 --> 00:10:50.917
I DON\'T LIKE MY LIFE,
I\'M SUCH A TERRIBLE PERSON.
00:10:50.918 --> 00:10:52.999
WHEN WE LOOK BACK
IN RETROSPECT,
00:10:53.000 --> 00:10:58.998
WE CAN SEE WHERE SHE HAD DONE
THINGS TO HIDE IT FROM US.
00:10:58.999 --> 00:11:01.666
GOING INTO A DEPARTMENT STORE,
00:11:01.667 --> 00:11:05.998
WE\'D GO IN AS A FAMILY. SHE\'D BE
LEADING THE WAY, GET TO THE DOOR,
00:11:05.999 --> 00:11:07.708
BUT THEN ALL OF A SUDDEN
SHE\'D STOP.
00:11:07.709 --> 00:11:10.041
SHE\'D HAVE TO TIE UP HER SHOE
OR SOMETHING.
00:11:10.042 --> 00:11:12.374
SO OF COURSE THE NEXT PERSON
OPENS THE DOOR
00:11:12.375 --> 00:11:13.917
AND THEN SHE\'D WALK IN.
00:11:13.918 --> 00:11:15.998
THAT WAY SHE DIDN\'T HAVE
TO TOUCH THE DOOR HANDLE
00:11:15.999 --> 00:11:20.292
THAT EVERYBODY ELSE
HAD TOUCHED.
00:11:20.709 --> 00:11:22.917
I USED TO WASH MY HANDS A LOT,
00:11:22.918 --> 00:11:24.917
30, 35 TIMES A DAY.
00:11:24.918 --> 00:11:28.416
THE FIRST LAYER OF YOUR SKIN,
YOUR EPIDERMIS HERE,
00:11:28.417 --> 00:11:28.999
IT WAS ALL BLOODY.
00:11:29.000 --> 00:11:30.998
LIKE I COULDN\'T EVEN HAVE
MY CLOTHES TOUCHING
00:11:30.999 --> 00:11:35.458
BECAUSE THEY HURT SO MUCH
BECAUSE THEY WERE RAW.
00:11:35.459 --> 00:11:39.708
I HAD TO LINE UP MY BOOKS
PERFECTLY UNTIL IT FELT RIGHT.
00:11:39.709 --> 00:11:43.041
SOMETIMES I\'D SPEND 3 OR 4
HOURS ON IT.
00:11:43.042 --> 00:11:45.998
I MIGHT THINK NEAR THE END
OF THE BOOK, PAGE 189,
00:11:45.999 --> 00:11:47.541
I MIGHT THINK I MISSED A LINE
ON IT.
00:11:47.542 --> 00:11:49.541
OH WELL, WOULD I JUST OVER ON
PAGE 189?
00:11:49.542 --> 00:11:52.291
NO. I\'LL START BACK
ON PAGE ONE.
00:11:52.292 --> 00:11:54.625
I CONSTANTLY HAD THINGS RUNNING
THROUGH MY MIND.
00:11:54.626 --> 00:11:58.583
LIKE I WAS WATCHING TV
AND IT MENTIONED $237
00:11:58.584 --> 00:11:59.998
AND I KEPT DIVIDING IT BY 4
00:11:59.999 --> 00:12:00.999
BECAUSE THERE WAS FOUR
IN MY FAMILY.
00:12:01.000 --> 00:12:03.999
AND THEN I\'D ADD TAX BECAUSE
WE WERE GOING OUT TO EAT.
00:12:04.000 --> 00:12:05.998
AND THEN I\'D ADD TAX
IN NEW YORK
00:12:05.999 --> 00:12:11.291
AND THEN TAX DOWN IN FLORIDA. (Echoed Voices)
15% OF 237 IS... I\'D CHECK... AND RECHECK...
00:12:11.292 --> 00:12:15.249
AND I\'D CHECK AGAIN AND
AGAIN AND AGAIN.
00:12:15.250 --> 00:12:19.459
AND I JUST KEPT CORRECTING
MYSELF.
00:12:19.999 --> 00:12:25.959
I WOULD SPEND ALL MY DAYS DOING
ALL OCD RITUALS.
00:12:31.999 --> 00:12:34.249
AND OF COURSE THAT JUST MAKES
YOU DEPRESSED.
00:12:34.250 --> 00:12:39.999
SO I HAD DECIDED LIKE LIFE
WASN\'T WORTH LIVING.
00:12:41.999 --> 00:12:46.792
WHEN I WAS 16 I TRIED
TO KILL MYSELF.
00:12:50.999 --> 00:12:56.000
I TOOK A BOTTLE OF
MY MEDICATION, CHLOMIPRAMINE,
00:12:59.834 --> 00:13:03.918
AND I JUST KEPT SWALLOWING
THE PILLS.
00:13:05.250 --> 00:13:08.334
I REALLY DIDN\'T WANT TO DIE.
00:13:09.959 --> 00:13:12.249
I JUST WANTED TO BE NORMAL.
00:13:12.250 --> 00:13:16.250
I JUST WANTED EVERYTHING
TO GO AWAY.
00:13:16.792 --> 00:13:21.959
SO, I JUST TOOK THE PILLS
AND AFTER I TOOK THEM
00:13:22.792 --> 00:13:26.667
I FELT REALLY BAD,
AND REALLY DUMB.
00:13:29.542 --> 00:13:30.542
SO, UM,
00:13:35.751 --> 00:13:37.917
I TOLD MY DAD EVENTUALLY
00:13:37.918 --> 00:13:41.417
AND I WENT BACK TO
THE HOSPITAL.
00:13:43.042 --> 00:13:47.459
I\'M PROBABLY REALLY LUCKY
I DIDN\'T DIE.
00:13:54.834 --> 00:13:56.416
YOU DOUBT EVERYTHING YOU DO
00:13:56.417 --> 00:13:58.998
FROM THE TIME YOU GET UP
IN THE MORNING
00:13:58.999 --> 00:14:01.082
UNTIL THE TIME YOU GO TO BED -
00:14:01.083 --> 00:14:03.998
EVERY SINGLE THING.
00:14:03.999 --> 00:14:10.959
IN FACT, THE FRENCH CALL THE
ILLNESS THE DOUBTING DISEASE.
00:14:11.417 --> 00:14:14.249
WE GOT MARRIED IN \'71.
00:14:14.250 --> 00:14:16.998
I COULD JUST BE MYSELF
AND I COULD TOTALLY RELAX
00:14:16.999 --> 00:14:18.249
AND HE ACCEPTED ME FOR THE WAY
I WAS
00:14:18.250 --> 00:14:21.333
AND I DIDN\'T HAVE TO PUT ON
ANY AIRS OR ANYTHING.
00:14:21.334 --> 00:14:23.998
IT WAS JUST NICE AT THE TIME.
00:14:23.999 --> 00:14:26.750
IT WAS ABOUT FIVE OR SIX YEARS
AFTER WE WERE MARRIED
00:14:26.751 --> 00:14:29.998
AND EVERYTHING WAS GOING FINE.
AND THEN HIS MOTHER DIED.
00:14:29.999 --> 00:14:32.249
THAT\'S WHEN EVERYTHING SEEMED
TO START.
00:14:32.250 --> 00:14:35.166
HE WAS WORRIED ABOUT, YOU KNOW,
THE TAPS BEING RUNNING
00:14:35.167 --> 00:14:36.666
OR NOT TURNING OFF THE LIGHTS
00:14:36.667 --> 00:14:38.999
AND IT JUST GRADUALLY ESCALATED
UP AND UP,
00:14:39.000 --> 00:14:41.998
UNTIL IT SEEMED TO CONSUME
HIS WHOLE LIFE THEN.
00:14:41.999 --> 00:14:44.998
HAVE YOU EVER HAD A NIGHTMARE
AND YOU WAKE UP
00:14:44.999 --> 00:14:48.541
AND IT SEEMS LIKE IT\'S SO REAL,
LIKE IT\'S REALLY HAPPENING
00:14:48.542 --> 00:14:51.583
AND YOU WAKE UP FULL OF FEAR.
THAT\'S HOW YOU FEEL,
00:14:51.584 --> 00:14:53.750
AS IF SOMEONE WAS STICKING
A GUN IN YOUR MOUTH
00:14:53.751 --> 00:14:55.998
AND SAY THEY WERE GOING TO
BLOW YOUR HEAD OFF.
00:14:55.999 --> 00:14:58.416
THAT\'S HOW YOU FEEL.
00:14:58.417 --> 00:15:00.082
AND I WOULD GRAB THIS HAIRSPRAY
00:15:00.083 --> 00:15:02.998
AND I DON\'T BELIEVE THAT THIS
IS HAIRSPRAY IN MY MIND.
00:15:02.999 --> 00:15:08.083
SO I\'D WOULD SAY TO MYSELF,
SO I SAY IT OUT LOUD: \"ALBERTO.\"
00:15:08.375 --> 00:15:10.583
LIKE THIS MORNING I HAD
A TERRIBLE TIME
00:15:10.584 --> 00:15:12.583
AND I SAID THAT THREE
OR FOUR TIMES.
00:15:12.584 --> 00:15:15.333
I WAS RUBBING MY FINGERS UP
AND DOWN HERE LIKE THIS.
00:15:15.334 --> 00:15:17.458
I COULD NEVER TURN THE TAPS
ON AND OFF
00:15:17.459 --> 00:15:20.666
BECAUSE HE\'D DONE THEM SO TIGHT
I\'D HAVE TO GET VICE GRIPS.
00:15:20.667 --> 00:15:22.500
THERE HAVE BEEN TIMES
I DON\'T BELIEVE I\'VE DONE IT.
00:15:22.501 --> 00:15:26.998
I\'D KEEP PULLING IT UP LIKE THIS
AND TURNING IT OFF AGAIN.
00:15:26.999 --> 00:15:29.208
OR AT TIMES I JUST WOULDN\'T
TURN IT,
00:15:29.209 --> 00:15:30.083
OR I WOULD PULL IT OUT,
00:15:30.084 --> 00:15:31.998
BUT I WOULDN\'T BELIEVE
THAT I\'D TURNED IT OFF
00:15:31.999 --> 00:15:33.625
AND I WOULD SIMPLY GO
LIKE THIS.
00:15:33.626 --> 00:15:36.541
AND IT\'S SO HARD TO SEE THAT
IN SOMEONE THAT YOU LOVE
00:15:36.542 --> 00:15:40.166
TO JUST, YOU KNOW, DETERIORATE
FROM WHAT THEY WERE,
00:15:40.167 --> 00:15:42.208
FROM A LOVING PERSON
AND RIGHT DOWN.
00:15:42.209 --> 00:15:44.791
AND THEN THERE TO BE SO MUCH
ANGER AND SO MUCH GRIEF
00:15:44.792 --> 00:15:48.998
AND EVERYTHING BUILT UP.
IT TEARS YOU APART INSIDE.
00:15:48.999 --> 00:15:50.791
00:15:50.792 --> 00:15:52.291
AND I WOULDN\'T BELIEVE IT
WAS ON.
00:15:52.292 --> 00:15:55.374
AND I\'D TAKE IT OFF,
PUT IT DOWN LIKE THIS
00:15:55.375 --> 00:15:57.249
AND THE ANXIETY
IS BUILDING UP INSIDE
00:15:57.250 --> 00:15:59.124
YOU AND YOU\'RE FEELING
ALL THIS TENSION.
00:15:59.125 --> 00:16:00.998
IT WOULD JUST ESCALATE UP
AND UP AND UP
00:16:00.999 --> 00:16:02.998
AND THEN HOW MANY TIMES
HAVE I WASHED MY FACE?
00:16:02.999 --> 00:16:04.875
HAVE I WASHED IT TWO
OR THREE TIMES?
00:16:04.876 --> 00:16:08.666
AND COMBING HIS HAIR, GETTING
EVERY SINGLE HAIR STRAND DOWN.
00:16:08.667 --> 00:16:10.500
I\'D BE SITTING IN THE BATHROOM
AND I\'D JUST SIT ON THE TOILET
00:16:10.501 --> 00:16:12.875
BECAUSE I COULDN\'T STAND FOR
TWO HOURS, TWO OR THREE HOURS.
00:16:12.876 --> 00:16:15.998
I\'M THINKING THE WHOLE TIME
THERE\'S SO MUCH I\'VE GOT TO DO.
00:16:15.999 --> 00:16:19.998
ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR, FIVE,
SIX, SEVEN-
00:16:19.999 --> 00:16:22.958
WHEN HE FIRST GOT IT, OH YOU\'RE
GOING TO LEAVE ME
00:16:22.959 --> 00:16:24.998
AND I PROMISED THAT I WOULDN\'T
LEAVE HIM.
00:16:24.999 --> 00:16:28.998
BUT I NEVER HAD ANY IDEA IT WAS
GOING TO GET AS BAD AS IT DID.
00:16:28.999 --> 00:16:30.998
I\'D HAVE SOME KIND OF FEAR
IN MY MIND
00:16:30.999 --> 00:16:33.291
THAT THE TOWEL ISN\'T THERE,
THAT IT\'S ON THE FLOOR
00:16:33.292 --> 00:16:34.998
SOMETHING MIGHT HAVE
HAPPENED TO IT.
00:16:34.999 --> 00:16:38.791
SO I\'D BE STARING, LITERALLY STARING AT THE
BOTTOM OF THE TOWEL TO CONVINCE MYSELF
00:16:38.792 --> 00:16:40.416
THAT THE DAMN THING IS THERE.
00:16:40.417 --> 00:16:44.667
SOME OF THESE THINGS
ARE JUST STUPID.
00:16:51.999 --> 00:16:56.333
I WOULD NOT BE ABLE TO OPEN
THE FRONT DOOR.
00:16:56.334 --> 00:16:59.918
AT MY HOUSE, SOMETIMES I\'D-
00:17:01.626 --> 00:17:02.998
SO THE KNOBS WOULD
BE THE MAJOR-
00:17:02.999 --> 00:17:05.583
YEAH, I DON\'T KNOW
WHAT THEY\'VE TOUCHED,
00:17:05.584 --> 00:17:08.875
WHERE THEY\'VE BEEN.
ALLESIA AT SCHOOL, PLAYING,
00:17:08.876 --> 00:17:12.998
HER HANDS ON THE FLOOR, HER HANDS HERE
OR THERE, MY HUSBAND WORKING, WHATEVER.
00:17:12.999 --> 00:17:14.666
I DON\'T KNOW WHERE THEIR HANDS
HAVE BEEN
00:17:14.667 --> 00:17:17.041
SO I DON\'T TOUCH THE DOOR KNOBS
AT HOME.
00:17:17.042 --> 00:17:20.458
IF SOMEBODY DOES COME IN
WHICH IS MAINLY JUST MY PARENTS
00:17:20.459 --> 00:17:22.500
AND MY MOTHER-IN-LAW
AND MY SISTER-IN-LAW,
00:17:22.501 --> 00:17:26.249
I CAN TELL YOU WHEN THEY LEAVE
EVERYWHERE THEY\'VE TOUCHED,
00:17:26.250 --> 00:17:27.374
EVERYWHERE THEY\'VE GONE.
00:17:27.375 --> 00:17:29.082
IF THEY\'VE TOUCHED THE BANISTER
00:17:29.083 --> 00:17:32.416
THE WALL WILL HAVE TO BE
WASHED DOWN.
00:17:32.417 --> 00:17:35.625
WHEN WE COME IN,
WE HAVE TO CHANGE.
00:17:35.626 --> 00:17:39.082
WE HAVE TO FIRST TAKE
OUR CLOTHES OFF.
00:17:39.083 --> 00:17:40.958
THIS IS A SAFE HAVEN
FOR HER INSIDE.
00:17:40.959 --> 00:17:42.998
THAT\'S WHY SHE DOESN\'T
ALLOW PEOPLE
00:17:42.999 --> 00:17:44.458
TO COME INSIDE OUR HOUSE,
00:17:44.459 --> 00:17:47.875
EVEN THOUGH SHE\'D LIKE TO
BUT SHE CAN\'T
00:17:47.876 --> 00:17:48.834
BECAUSE HER ANXIETY,
00:17:48.835 --> 00:17:50.998
SHE WOULD HAVE TO FOLLOW YOU
AND SEE WHERE YOU GO,
00:17:50.999 --> 00:17:53.583
WHERE YOU TOUCH,
WHERE YOU DON\'T GO
00:17:53.584 --> 00:17:57.292
OR ELSE SHE WON\'T BE AT EASE.
00:17:58.250 --> 00:18:00.208
I GRADUATED WITH HONOURS
AT SENECA
00:18:00.209 --> 00:18:04.999
AND I UM, I SLOWLY STARTED
TO GET UP THE LADDER.
00:18:05.501 --> 00:18:07.998
AND I FINALLY FOUND
ONE COMPANY THAT
00:18:07.999 --> 00:18:09.998
I WAS THE ONLY DESIGNER FOR
00:18:09.999 --> 00:18:13.999
AND I STARTED DOING PRODUCTION
AND HIRING AND FIRING
00:18:14.000 --> 00:18:18.416
AND WE STARTED DOING MY OWN
LINE OF SKIWEAR AND STUFF
00:18:18.417 --> 00:18:20.875
AND I STARTED GETTING
INTO MAGAZINES.
00:18:20.876 --> 00:18:22.999
I DID RADIO, I DID TELEVISION.
00:18:23.000 --> 00:18:28.458
IT GOT TO THE POINT WHERE
I WAS WELL KNOWN.
00:18:28.459 --> 00:18:33.999
IT WASN\'T TILL \'89 THAT I WAS
IN A CAR ACCIDENT.
00:18:34.000 --> 00:18:36.999
THEN IN \'91 UM, THE OCD HIT
00:18:38.959 --> 00:18:40.750
AND I DIDN\'T KNOW WHAT IT WAS
00:18:40.751 --> 00:18:44.834
AND I JUST STARTED ACTING
ALL... WEIRD.
00:18:46.000 --> 00:18:47.666
FIRST OF ALL I DO HAVE
A PROBLEM
00:18:47.667 --> 00:18:49.041
WITH MY OWN KITCHEN TAP,
00:18:49.042 --> 00:18:51.833
SO I, I DO HAVE THAT PROBLEM.
00:18:51.834 --> 00:18:55.166
BUT BEING NOT IN MY HOUSE
I WOULDN\'T TOUCH IT.
00:18:55.167 --> 00:18:56.833
SO IF YOU COULD TOUCH IT
FOR ME.
00:18:56.834 --> 00:18:58.374
OF COURSE AND THAT\'S JUST
BECAUSE
00:18:58.375 --> 00:19:00.416
OF ALL THE MANY DIFFERENT HANDS
THAT HAVE GONE THROUGH-
00:19:00.417 --> 00:19:04.875
YEAH. AND I WOULD TAKE LIKE
A PAPER TOWEL
00:19:04.876 --> 00:19:06.458
AND I WOULD START FIRST -
00:19:06.459 --> 00:19:08.917
WELL FIRST I WOULD PUT
A PAPER TOWEL DOWN
00:19:08.918 --> 00:19:12.834
AND THEN I WOULD TAKE
A PAPER TOWEL
00:19:12.999 --> 00:19:16.998
AND I WOULD WASH REPEATEDLY
AND I MEAN REPEATEDLY.
00:19:16.999 --> 00:19:20.166
I WOULD PUT IT UNDER THERE.
SOMETIMES I GET IT IN
00:19:20.167 --> 00:19:21.583
WHERE IT DOESN\'T LIGHT.
00:19:21.584 --> 00:19:23.999
AND I WOULD REPEATEDLY,
REPEATEDLY DO THAT UNTIL
00:19:24.000 --> 00:19:27.333
IT FEELS GOOD.
SO I WOULD LEAVE IT LIKE THAT.
00:19:27.334 --> 00:19:30.958
PICTURE EVERYTHING WITH SHIT
ON IT,
00:19:30.959 --> 00:19:32.458
EXCUSE THE EXPRESSION.
00:19:32.459 --> 00:19:35.998
DOOR KNOBS, THE WALLS,
THE LIGHTS, CLOTHES,
00:19:35.999 --> 00:19:38.583
YOUR HANDS, ANYTHING.
00:19:38.584 --> 00:19:41.791
THEN I WOULD GET MORE PAPER
TOWELS AND I WOULD NOW-
00:19:41.792 --> 00:19:45.875
TO AN OCD PERSON THAT HAS
CONTAMINATION FEARS,
00:19:45.876 --> 00:19:47.291
TO ME THAT\'S WHAT THEY FEEL.
00:19:47.292 --> 00:19:49.998
AND I WOULD CONTINUE TO DO THIS
CONSTANTLY-
00:19:49.999 --> 00:19:51.875
00:19:51.876 --> 00:19:54.958
THAT ITEM THAT\'S GOT SHIT
ON IT.
00:19:54.959 --> 00:19:58.998
AND WHAT I WOULD DO IS NOW WIPE
DOWN THIS.
00:19:58.999 --> 00:19:59.999
AND THEN I\'LL GET
ANOTHER NAPKIN-
00:20:00.000 --> 00:20:02.917
SO ANY PERSON
IN THEIR RIGHT MIND
00:20:02.918 --> 00:20:04.249
THAT SEES SHIT ON A DOOR KNOB,
00:20:04.250 --> 00:20:06.998
HE\'S NOT GOING TO TOUCH THAT
DOOR KNOB TO OPEN IT.
00:20:06.999 --> 00:20:10.998
WELL A PERSON THAT HAS OCD,
THAT\'S WHAT THEY SEE.
00:20:10.999 --> 00:20:12.999
YOU\'LL FIND WHEN MY HUSBAND
COMES HOME,
00:20:13.000 --> 00:20:15.998
HE\'LL FIND MASSES
OF PAPER TOWEL.
00:20:15.999 --> 00:20:17.249
MOUNTAINS.
00:20:17.250 --> 00:20:18.583
YEAH.
I CAN SEE IN YOUR FACE
RIGHT NOW
00:20:18.584 --> 00:20:23.166
YOU\'RE FEELING UNCOMFORTABLE.
AND I, AND YES I\'M FEELING
AND UH... AND I\'LL DO THAT.
00:20:23.167 --> 00:20:26.041
THEN IF I HAVE A COFFEE CUP
THE COFFEE CUP SITS
00:20:26.042 --> 00:20:27.875
RIGHT ON TOP OF HERE.
00:20:27.876 --> 00:20:28.584
RIGHT.
00:20:28.585 --> 00:20:32.459
AND THEN IF, IF I\'M OKAY
WITH THAT,
00:20:32.999 --> 00:20:35.791
I\'LL STILL GO BACK SOMETIMES
AND I\'LL GO THROUGH THE -
00:20:35.792 --> 00:20:40.917
NOW I TOUCHED THAT -
THAT ASHTRAY AND IT\'S NOT MINE.
00:20:40.918 --> 00:20:43.166
SO I\'M FEELING... UNFORTUNATELY
00:20:43.167 --> 00:20:46.833
I\'M FEELING VERY ANXIOUS
AT THE MOMENT.
00:20:46.834 --> 00:20:47.584
RIGHT.
00:20:47.585 --> 00:20:49.208
AND I\'M NOT-
00:20:49.209 --> 00:20:56.334
I UNDERSTAND. IT\'S OKAY.
TAKE ALL THE TIME YOU NEED.
00:20:58.999 --> 00:21:02.208
AND LET ME SHUT IT OFF
FOR YOU WHEN YOU\'RE READY.
00:21:02.209 --> 00:21:03.291
PLEASE.
00:21:03.292 --> 00:21:04.751
IT\'S OKAY.
00:21:06.959 --> 00:21:09.998
I\'M NOT, I\'M NOT COMFORTABLE
WITH BEING HERE
00:21:09.999 --> 00:21:13.999
AND I\'M NOT COMFORTABLE
WITH THE ITEMS
00:21:14.042 --> 00:21:18.042
AND I MEAN IT\'S HARD FOR ME
AT HOME,
00:21:19.334 --> 00:21:23.751
BUT IT\'S A LITTLE
MORE DIFFICULT HERE.
00:21:31.459 --> 00:21:34.998
I HAVE, I HAVE - IS IT ALL
RIGHT IF I SIT OVER THERE?
00:21:34.999 --> 00:21:35.876
YES,
00:21:35.877 --> 00:21:40.626
YES. WHEREVER YOU WANT.
00:21:41.375 --> 00:21:44.208
I DON\'T USE MY HANDS
SO I PULL OUT MY CHAIR.
00:21:44.209 --> 00:21:46.833
OF COURSE.
00:21:46.834 --> 00:21:49.249
WOULD YOU FEEL BETTER THAT YOU
WANT TO HAVE A CIGARETTE NOW?
00:21:49.250 --> 00:21:50.416
PLEASE FEEL FREE.
00:21:50.417 --> 00:21:51.417
NO. NO.
00:21:51.542 --> 00:21:52.583
OKAY. OKAY.
00:21:52.584 --> 00:21:57.584
NO, BECAUSE I FEEL CONTAMINATED.
00:21:58.751 --> 00:22:00.082
IF YOU WERE TO SEE ME OFF
THE STREET
00:22:00.083 --> 00:22:05.918
YOU WOULDN\'T THINK THAT I
HAVE A SEVERE OCD ILLNESS
00:22:06.709 --> 00:22:07.917
AND YET I DO.
00:22:07.918 --> 00:22:12.998
AND I\'VE SPENT ALONE THIS YEAR,
FOUR MONTHS AT ONE TIME,
00:22:12.999 --> 00:22:18.291
JUST OVER A WEEK ANOTHER TIME
AND OVER A MONTH JUST NOW
00:22:18.292 --> 00:22:20.250
IN THE HOSPITAL.
00:22:22.083 --> 00:22:24.249
I\'VE BEEN TO THE POINT
OF SUICIDE
00:22:24.250 --> 00:22:28.041
AND I\'VE BEEN TO THE POINT
WHERE I\'VE OVERDOSED
00:22:28.042 --> 00:22:32.042
SO MANY TIMES THAT,
THAT I\'M SCARED.
00:22:32.999 --> 00:22:35.249
I\'M SCARED OF WHAT I\'M CAPABLE
OF DOING ONE DAY
00:22:35.250 --> 00:22:38.750
THAT I REALLY CAN\'T FIGHT
THIS ILLNESS.
00:22:38.751 --> 00:22:40.666
YOU\'RE GOING TO GET BETTER.
00:22:40.667 --> 00:22:46.082
THEY SAID THIS TIME IN
THE HOSPITAL THAT THE OCD IS -
00:22:46.083 --> 00:22:48.166
THAT I AM NON-RESPONSIVE.
00:22:48.167 --> 00:22:50.583
AND THAT WHAT THAT MEANS IS THAT
I\'M NOT RESPONDING
00:22:50.584 --> 00:22:54.999
TO MEDICATION
OR TO TREATMENT ANYMORE.
00:23:05.918 --> 00:23:09.333
A NORMAL PERSON\'S BRAIN,
THEY HAVE ENOUGH SEROTONIN.
00:23:09.334 --> 00:23:14.334
BUT IN MY BRAIN I DON\'T HAVE
ENOUGH SEROTONIN.
00:23:14.584 --> 00:23:18.998
THE MEDICATION ARE SELECTIVE
SEROTONIN RE-UPTAKE INHIBITORS,
00:23:18.999 --> 00:23:20.125
SSRI\'S
00:23:20.250 --> 00:23:24.000
THEY PROVIDE
THE EXTRA SEROTONIN.
00:23:27.375 --> 00:23:29.124
THE LAST YEAR HAS BEEN SUPER.
00:23:29.125 --> 00:23:32.708
MY OCD DIDN\'T TAKE UP MORE
THAN TEN MINUTES OF MY DAY.
00:23:32.709 --> 00:23:35.998
THEY JUST FOUND THE RIGHT
COMBINATION OF DRUGS THAT
WORKED?
00:23:35.999 --> 00:23:37.333
IT WAS A PERFECT COMBINATION
OF DRUGS.
00:23:37.334 --> 00:23:39.708
I FOUND THE PERFECT COMBINATION
THAT WORKED FOR ME.
00:23:39.709 --> 00:23:44.918
IT WAS A REALLY HIGH DOSE
BUT IT WORKED.
00:23:45.999 --> 00:23:52.998
I WOULD LAUGH. I WOULD SPEND
HOURS JUST LAUGHING AT THINGS.
00:23:52.999 --> 00:23:56.791
I DID EVERYTHING EVERYONE
ELSE DID, HAD A GREAT LIFE.
00:23:56.792 --> 00:24:00.958
I HAD LOTS OF FRIENDS.
I WAS GOING OUT.
00:24:00.959 --> 00:24:03.041
I\'VE SEEN LIKE THE LEAVES
THAT CHANGE THIS YEAR.
00:24:03.042 --> 00:24:07.998
IT\'S THE FIRST YEAR I\'VE EVER
WATCHED THE LEAVES CHANGE.
00:24:07.999 --> 00:24:11.917
BUT THERE\'S LIKE SIDE EFFECTS
AND YOU HAVE TO CHOOSE.
00:24:11.918 --> 00:24:14.500
I\'VE GAINED 108 POUNDS SINCE
I STARTED THE MEDS.
00:24:14.501 --> 00:24:19.998
I WAS VERY THIN BEFORE.
I LIKED BEING VERY THIN.
00:24:19.999 --> 00:24:24.374
I\'D RATHER GAIN 3,000 POUNDS
THAN TO HAVE THE LIFE
00:24:24.375 --> 00:24:26.834
THAT I USED TO HAVE.
00:24:28.292 --> 00:24:32.750
I WANTED A CAREER WHERE I COULD
MAKE A REASONABLE LIVING.
00:24:32.751 --> 00:24:36.374
I DIDN\'T WANT TO GET RICH. THAT
WOULD HAVE BEEN NICE THOUGH.
00:24:36.375 --> 00:24:39.583
I DIDN\'T KNOW WHAT TO DO SO I
WENT TO THE GUIDANCE COUNSELLOR
00:24:39.584 --> 00:24:43.208
AND SHE WENT THROUGH OPTIONS.
AND YOU KNOW,
00:24:43.209 --> 00:24:45.042
YOU COULD BECOME
00:24:45.417 --> 00:24:47.416
AN OCCUPATIONAL THERAPIST
ASSISTANT
00:24:47.417 --> 00:24:49.708
AND A BUNCH OF OTHER THINGS.
AND YOU KNOW,
00:24:49.709 --> 00:24:53.500
SHE CAME UP WITH AN IDEA, I KNOCKED IT
DOWN BEFORE SHE GOT IT OUT OF HER MOUTH.
00:24:53.501 --> 00:24:55.208
SHE LOOKED AT ME AND
SHE LAUGHED AND SHE SAID,
00:24:55.209 --> 00:25:00.042
WELL YOU COULD ALWAYS BE
A FUNERAL DIRECTOR.
00:25:01.292 --> 00:25:07.791
I\'M HEADSTRONG, SO I WAS LIKE
NO, I\'M GOING TO TRY IT.
00:25:07.792 --> 00:25:09.666
I PUT IN MY RESUME AND TRIED
TO GET A CO-OP
00:25:09.667 --> 00:25:14.458
AND ENDED UP GETTING ONE AT
SWACKHAMMER FUNERAL HOME.
00:25:14.459 --> 00:25:17.208
AND AT FIRST I DIDN\'T THINK
I WOULD LIKE DO WELL.
00:25:17.209 --> 00:25:19.917
THE FIRST DAY I WENT MY DAD
ACTUALLY SAT IN THE VAN
00:25:19.918 --> 00:25:22.875
IN THE PARKING LOT BECAUSE
HE THOUGHT I WOULD RUN OUT.
00:25:22.876 --> 00:25:24.041
HE DIDN\'T THINK I WOULD
ACTUALLY MAKE IT
00:25:24.042 --> 00:25:26.998
INTO THE FUNERAL HOME
FOR MORE THAN 20 MINUTES.
00:25:26.999 --> 00:25:29.708
BUT I REALLY ENJOYED IT.
00:25:29.709 --> 00:25:35.959
OF COURSE I WAS REALLY WORRIED
ABOUT THE FIRST EMBALMING.
00:25:36.417 --> 00:25:42.291
THE FIRST EMBALMING I DID AT
SCHOOL WAS REALLY HARD BECAUSE,
00:25:42.292 --> 00:25:44.999
YOU KNOW, LIKE ONE OUT OF EVERY
TEN BODIES WE GET
00:25:45.000 --> 00:25:48.999
AT THE SCHOOL IS HIV POSITIVE.
00:25:51.292 --> 00:25:57.083
I WAS QUITE PROUD OF MYSELF
THAT I COULD DO IT.
00:26:02.167 --> 00:26:05.500
I VOLUNTEER AT
PARTICIPATION HOUSE.
00:26:05.501 --> 00:26:08.708
I ALSO VOLUNTEER AT THE DR. BOB
KAMP HOSPICE
00:26:08.709 --> 00:26:13.583
FOR PEOPLE THAT ARE DYING
OF HIV AND CANCER.
00:26:13.584 --> 00:26:17.542
I GO BOWLING WITH THE DISABLED.
00:26:20.334 --> 00:26:23.041
AND EVERYTHING
WAS GOING REALLY WELL
00:26:23.042 --> 00:26:25.791
BUT MY FEET STARTED GOING NUMB
00:26:25.792 --> 00:26:27.583
AND THEY STARTED DOING
NEUROLOGICAL TESTS
00:26:27.584 --> 00:26:29.833
TO SEE IF THERE
WAS SOMETHING WRONG.
00:26:29.834 --> 00:26:33.583
AND THEY COULDN\'T FIND ANYTHING
OUT AND EVENTUALLY I GUESS
00:26:33.584 --> 00:26:36.500
IN MID OCTOBER THEY FOUND OUT
IT WAS MY MEDICATION.
00:26:36.501 --> 00:26:37.334
OH NO.
00:26:37.335 --> 00:26:40.998
SO THEY HAD TO CUT ME BACK
ON MY MEDICATION
00:26:40.999 --> 00:26:42.666
TO SEE IF THEY COULD BRING ME
TO A LEVEL
00:26:42.667 --> 00:26:44.917
WHERE IT DIDN\'T AFFECT MY LEGS.
00:26:44.918 --> 00:26:49.416
AND EVENTUALLY LIKE, BUT
LOWERING ME JUST - I GOT SO BAD.
00:26:49.417 --> 00:26:53.834
LIKE I WENT BACK TO WHERE
I USED TO BE.
00:26:55.999 --> 00:26:58.875
IT WAS LIKE WATCHING A REALLY
BAD MOVIE
00:26:58.876 --> 00:27:02.500
WHERE YOU KNOW THE CHARACTER
IS LIKE FALLING APART
00:27:02.501 --> 00:27:05.792
BUT THAT PERSON WAS ME.
00:27:07.999 --> 00:27:09.374
I JUST WANT TO SCREAM.
00:27:09.375 --> 00:27:10.917
IT SEEMS SO UNFAIR.
00:27:10.918 --> 00:27:12.998
LIKE I\'M SO JEALOUS
OF OTHER PEOPLE.
00:27:12.999 --> 00:27:16.917
I\'D DO ANYTHING TO BE BACK
AT SCHOOL, BEING HEALTHY.
00:27:16.918 --> 00:27:21.999
LIKE PEOPLE TAKE FOR GRANTED
THEIR HEALTH.
00:27:24.584 --> 00:27:30.291
TRICIA BEING TRICIA HAS BEEN SO
STRONG ABOUT IT.
00:27:30.292 --> 00:27:34.500
I MEAN SHE STOOD UP -
SHE\'D BEEN IN THE HOSPITAL -
00:27:34.501 --> 00:27:38.998
AND SHE STOOD UP AND DID A TALK
IN HER CLASS
00:27:38.999 --> 00:27:42.334
AS ONE OF HER PROJECTS ON OCD.
00:27:49.501 --> 00:27:50.833
00:27:50.834 --> 00:27:53.709
00:28:05.999 --> 00:28:10.999
LIKE, LIKE ANY PARENT WE WANT
THE BEST FOR OUR KIDS.
00:28:13.167 --> 00:28:16.998
AND WE\'VE SEEN HOW HARD
SHE STRUGGLED
00:28:16.999 --> 00:28:20.125
AND SHE WENT FROM
00:28:21.334 --> 00:28:23.998
A CHILD THAT HAD A PROBLEM
00:28:23.999 --> 00:28:27.834
AND SHE FOUND
THE RIGHT MEDICATION
00:28:29.834 --> 00:28:33.998
AND EVERYTHING FOR 6, 8 MONTHS
WAS PERFECT.
00:28:33.999 --> 00:28:40.000
I MEAN SHE COMMENTED NUMEROUS
TIMES, DAD, I GOT NO OCD.
00:28:49.959 --> 00:28:53.791
THE OCD SELF-HELP GROUP HAS
HELPED ME SO MUCH.
00:28:53.792 --> 00:28:55.791
IT\'S ONE THING TO HAVE SUPPORT
FROM A DOCTOR.
00:28:55.792 --> 00:28:57.500
IT\'S ANOTHER THING TO HAVE
SUPPORT FROM PEOPLE
00:28:57.501 --> 00:28:59.791
THAT REALLY KNOW
WHAT YOU\'RE GOING THROUGH.
00:28:59.792 --> 00:29:00.542
I KNOW IT WAS GREAT FOR ME
00:29:00.543 --> 00:29:03.249
THE FIRST TIME I EVER MET
SOMEBODY ELSE WITH OCD.
00:29:03.250 --> 00:29:07.249
IT\'S LIKE YOU ACTUALLY WILL
CHECK THE DOOR THREE TIMES?
00:29:07.250 --> 00:29:09.998
IT\'S LIKE, HOLY COW,
THAT\'S AMAZING.
00:29:09.999 --> 00:29:11.750
IT IS LIKE A HUGE RELIEF.
00:29:11.751 --> 00:29:13.875
YOU KNOW, LIKE I ALWAYS THOUGHT
I WAS CRAZY.
00:29:13.876 --> 00:29:14.584
LIKE I HAD TO BE CRAZY.
00:29:14.585 --> 00:29:17.124
LIKE I WOULD WATCH THE NEWS
AND I\'D BE LIKE
00:29:17.125 --> 00:29:18.998
I\'M WORSE THAN THE AXE
MURDERER,
00:29:18.999 --> 00:29:22.750
I\'M WORSE THAN THE CHILD
MOLESTER. OH MY GOD!
00:29:22.751 --> 00:29:24.750
FOR ME IT WAS A COMPLETELY
DIFFERENT EXPERIENCE.
00:29:24.751 --> 00:29:26.583
I ACTUALLY FOUND IT
VERY DEPRESSING.
00:29:26.584 --> 00:29:27.542
THEY WERE ALL LIKE 50 YEARS OLD
00:29:27.543 --> 00:29:29.708
AND HAVEN\'T GONE ANYWHERE
IN THEIR LIFE.
00:29:29.709 --> 00:29:33.917
THEY\'RE SUFFERING ALL THE TIME.
IT WAS JUST SO DEPRESSING.
00:29:33.918 --> 00:29:34.292
EVERYBODY-
00:29:34.293 --> 00:29:35.583
NOT WHAT YOU WANTED TO HEAR.
00:29:35.584 --> 00:29:36.708
EXACTLY. IT\'S A ROOM FULL OF
PEOPLE SAYING LIKE,
00:29:36.709 --> 00:29:38.708
OH I\'VE HAD THE WORST WEEK,
I\'VE HAD THE WORST -
00:29:38.709 --> 00:29:41.500
OH THIS HAS BEEN GOING ON FOR
THE LAST 50 YEARS!
00:29:41.501 --> 00:29:43.166
AND I\'M SITTING THERE LIKE, OH
GREAT, YOU KNOW.
00:29:43.167 --> 00:29:45.249
LIKE I CAN\'T TAKE EVEN
ANOTHER MONTHS OF THIS
00:29:45.250 --> 00:29:46.458
AND YOU\'RE TELLING ME THAT
YOU\'RE 60
00:29:46.459 --> 00:29:49.583
AND YOU\'VE BEEN LIKE WORKING ON
IT FOR 40 ODD YEARS
00:29:49.584 --> 00:29:51.124
AND YOU\'RE LIKE - IT JUST -
00:29:51.125 --> 00:29:52.125
00:29:52.126 --> 00:29:54.998
RECENTLY SINCE WE MET WITH YOU
48 HOURS AGO
00:29:54.999 --> 00:29:57.999
YOU\'VE GONE COMPLETELY OFF ALL
MEDS IS THAT CORRECT?
00:29:58.000 --> 00:30:01.041
I REALLY THINK I PROBABLY WON\'T
MAKE IT THROUGH
00:30:01.042 --> 00:30:01.751
THE END OF NEXT WEEK.
00:30:01.752 --> 00:30:04.082
I\'LL BE IN THE HOSPITAL
BY THE END OF NEXT WEEK,
00:30:04.083 --> 00:30:04.999
I KNOW IT.
00:30:05.000 --> 00:30:06.998
LIKE I\'VE BEEN THERE
FIVE TIMES BEFORE.
00:30:06.999 --> 00:30:09.999
I KNOW WHEN IT\'S TIME TO GO.
00:30:17.250 --> 00:30:18.374
HI DADDY.
00:30:18.375 --> 00:30:22.333
BECAUSE ANDREW\'S SYMPTOMS WERE
FAIRLY PROFOUND
00:30:22.334 --> 00:30:25.791
THAT WE WERE ABLE TO GET
PSYCHIATRIC HELP FAIRLY QUICKLY
00:30:25.792 --> 00:30:31.416
AND GET HIM DIAGNOSED QUICKLY
AND STARTED ON MEDICATION.
00:30:31.417 --> 00:30:33.501
GREAT. THUMBS UP.
00:30:56.167 --> 00:30:58.999
SO YOU MOVE THE DECIMAL
TO THE RIGHT TWO TIMES
00:30:59.000 --> 00:31:01.998
AND I THINK YOU GUYS ARE
GETTING PRETTY GOOD AT THAT.
00:31:01.999 --> 00:31:04.458
BOY, SOMEBODY\'S GETTING IT.
00:31:04.459 --> 00:31:05.998
00:31:05.999 --> 00:31:06.999
I THINK HE\'S AN AMAZING KID
00:31:07.000 --> 00:31:13.208
AND I THINK HE\'S GOT AN AWFUL
LOT OF PERSONAL STRENGTH.
00:31:13.209 --> 00:31:13.999
HE HAS HEROES.
00:31:14.000 --> 00:31:16.208
LIKE HE\'S JUST IN LOVE WITH
JACKIE ROBINSON,
00:31:16.209 --> 00:31:17.666
ROSA PARKS, MARTIN LUTHER KING.
00:31:17.667 --> 00:31:21.291
HE HAS THESE PEOPLE IN HIS MIND
WHO HE THINKS HAVE OVERCOME
00:31:21.292 --> 00:31:22.875
AND DONE GREAT THINGS
00:31:22.876 --> 00:31:25.583
AND I THINK HE HOLDS THAT IN
HIS MIND AS SOMETHING
00:31:25.584 --> 00:31:28.791
THAT HE\'S GOING TO DO TOO.
00:31:28.792 --> 00:31:32.124
00:31:32.125 --> 00:31:34.583
AND JACKIE ROBINSON IS
MY HERO BECAUSE
00:31:34.584 --> 00:31:38.958
HE BROKE THE COLOUR BARRIER,
HE FOUGHT.
00:31:38.959 --> 00:31:42.833
LIKE I HAVE TO FIGHT MY OCD BUT
HE HAD TO FIGHT WORSE PROBABLY.
00:31:42.834 --> 00:31:46.959
HE GOT TRAMPLED ON,
HE GOT YELLED AT.
00:31:47.000 --> 00:31:50.999
HE WOULD GET NAMES CALLED
AT HIM.
00:31:51.999 --> 00:31:55.166
THE OCD STARTED PLAYING
ITS TRICKS AGAIN.
00:31:55.167 --> 00:31:55.834
YEAH.
00:31:55.835 --> 00:31:57.833
AND A BAD THOUGHT CAME
TO YOUR MIND.
00:31:57.834 --> 00:32:02.917
YEAH.
TELL ME WHAT-AND SHOULD I SAY THE LETTER OF
THE WORD OR THE-
YOU CAN SAY THE WORD. WE KNOW
YOU DON\'T MEAN IT.
00:32:02.918 --> 00:32:04.291
OKAY, THE WORD IS NIGGER.
00:32:04.292 --> 00:32:06.833
AND THE WORD SOMETIMES GETS
STUCK IN HIS HEAD
00:32:06.834 --> 00:32:09.791
AND HE HEARS WHEN WE TALK ABOUT
THESE OBSESSIONAL THOUGHTS
00:32:09.792 --> 00:32:11.791
AND ONE OF THE RECENT
OBSESSIONAL THOUGHTS HE HAD
00:32:11.792 --> 00:32:15.333
IS THE WORD NIGGER GOING AROUND
AND AROUND AND AROUND
00:32:15.334 --> 00:32:15.918
IN HIS HEAD.
00:32:15.919 --> 00:32:22.959
AND IT MAKES HIM BELIEVE THAT
HE\'S A BAD PERSON AT THE TIME.
00:32:27.250 --> 00:32:30.750
I WANT TO BE AN OPTIMIST.
I DON\'T WANT TO BE A PESSIMIST.
00:32:30.751 --> 00:32:33.583
I WANT TO FIGHT IT SO HARD.
00:32:33.584 --> 00:32:35.166
I WANT TO FIGHT MY OCD.
00:32:35.167 --> 00:32:36.708
I DON\'T WANT TO GIVE UP ON IT.
00:32:36.709 --> 00:32:37.417
BECAUSE IF YOU GIVE UP ON IT
00:32:37.418 --> 00:32:39.917
YOU\'RE NOT GOING TO GET
ANYWHERE IN LIFE.
00:32:39.918 --> 00:32:42.208
YOU\'RE NOT GOING
TO GET NOTHING.
00:32:42.209 --> 00:32:42.999
IT IS A FUCKIN\' THING.
00:32:43.000 --> 00:32:46.501
I HATE IT, I HATE IT,
I HATE IT!
00:32:48.876 --> 00:32:50.125
I HATE IT.
00:33:22.542 --> 00:33:23.708
I KNEW HOW HARD AND SCARY
IT WAS
00:33:23.709 --> 00:33:26.333
WHEN I DIDN\'T KNOW ANYONE
WITH OCD.
00:33:26.334 --> 00:33:26.999
I THOUGHT I WAS WEIRD.
00:33:27.000 --> 00:33:29.458
I THOUGHT I WAS THE ONLY PERSON
IN THE WORLD
00:33:29.459 --> 00:33:31.999
AND I REMEMBER
HOW LIKE LONELY I FELT.
00:33:32.000 --> 00:33:33.998
I HAD NO ONE TO TALK TO.
00:33:33.999 --> 00:33:36.375
SO I VOLUNTEERED
00:33:36.876 --> 00:33:38.666
AND CHRIS AND I HAVE BEEN DOING
STUFF EVER SINCE.
00:33:38.667 --> 00:33:41.998
SOMETIMES I BABYSIT HIM WHEN
HIS PARENTS GO OUT.
00:33:41.999 --> 00:33:47.501
WE GO TO MOVIES.
WE AH DO LOTS OF NEAT STUFF.
00:33:48.459 --> 00:33:50.998
♪ WE PLAY THE GUITAR ALL NIGHT
LONG. WOW!
00:33:50.999 --> 00:33:53.666
I\'M IN GRADE 10.
I GO TO HIGH SCHOOL.
00:33:53.667 --> 00:33:56.166
I\'VE GOT OCD.
I\'VE GOT TOURETTE\'S SYNDROME.
00:33:56.167 --> 00:34:00.833
I\'M VERY MUSICALLY ORIENTED.
I KNOW A LOT ABOUT MUSIC.
00:34:00.834 --> 00:34:02.500
CAN I ASK YOU
A QUESTION, DAVID?
00:34:02.501 --> 00:34:04.041
GO AHEAD. HOW LONG IS THIS TAPE
RUNNING FOR?
00:34:04.042 --> 00:34:07.998
WELL, I\'VE GOT PLENTY OF TAPE.
THIS TAPE GOES FOR AN HOUR.
00:34:07.999 --> 00:34:09.417
OKAY, COOL.
00:34:10.459 --> 00:34:13.542
AH THAT\'S A TICK, OF COURSE.
00:34:13.999 --> 00:34:17.334
AH DON\'T BE AFRAID, OKAY GUYS?
00:34:19.709 --> 00:34:20.542
00:34:20.543 --> 00:34:23.875
HE REALLY LIKES BEING ABLE TO
ASK ME IF I THINK IT\'S WEIRD
00:34:23.876 --> 00:34:26.583
BECAUSE LIKE, YOU KNOW,
MOST PEOPLE WOULD ANSWER,
00:34:26.584 --> 00:34:28.541
YEAH YOU\'RE WEIRD, BACK.
00:34:28.542 --> 00:34:31.249
SO WHAT DO YOU THINK OF ME
GOING OFF MY MEDICATION?
00:34:31.250 --> 00:34:34.958
I NEVER EVEN KNEW THAT YOU WERE
ON. WHAT WERE YOU ON?
00:34:34.959 --> 00:34:35.918
PAXIL, CHLOMIPRAMINE?
00:34:35.919 --> 00:34:41.791
IT WAS CHLOMIPRAMINE BEFORE,
YOU\'RE RIGHT. NOW IT\'S PAXIL.
00:34:41.792 --> 00:34:42.626
00:34:42.627 --> 00:34:44.833
WHAT ARE YOU ON NOW?
JUST PAXIL?
00:34:44.834 --> 00:34:45.167
NOTHIN\'.
00:34:45.168 --> 00:34:46.958
00:34:46.959 --> 00:34:47.125
NO.
00:34:47.126 --> 00:34:48.249
WHY AREN\'T YOU ON ANY MEDS?
00:34:48.250 --> 00:34:51.750
THEY RECOMMENDED THAT
I DECREASE MY MEDICATION
00:34:51.751 --> 00:34:58.542
TO SEE IF MY MEDICATION IS
CAUSING THE NUMBNESS IN MY LEG.
00:34:59.250 --> 00:35:00.584
GOOD JOB.
00:35:01.501 --> 00:35:02.459
WHAT YOU\'RE JUST DOING NOW,
00:35:02.460 --> 00:35:04.708
WHEN I FIRST CAME IN TO MEET
YOU THE OTHER DAY,
00:35:04.709 --> 00:35:06.998
ONE OF THE FIRST THINGS YOU DID
TO ME WHEN I CAME IN
00:35:06.999 --> 00:35:09.708
AND IT\'S REALLY NICE,
YOU CAME UP AND YOU WENT,
00:35:09.709 --> 00:35:10.750
HI MARK, IT\'S REALLY NICE
TO MEET YOU.
00:35:10.751 --> 00:35:11.998
I REALLY LIKE YOU A LOT.
YOU\'RE A NICE GUY.
00:35:11.999 --> 00:35:14.124
I KNOW AND I REMEMBER,
YOU NEVER EVEN SAID,
00:35:14.125 --> 00:35:16.999
WELL WHAT\'S YOUR NAME.
I LIKE YOU, I LIKE YOU.
00:35:17.000 --> 00:35:18.750
IS THAT BECAUSE YOU\'RE
THE NICEST GUY
00:35:18.751 --> 00:35:20.917
I EVER MET IN THE WORLD
OR IS THAT OCD?
00:35:20.918 --> 00:35:22.041
WELL THAT,
REMEMBER IN MY ROOM,
00:35:22.042 --> 00:35:25.082
WHEN WE WERE TALKING ABOUT
ASSURANCE AND ACCEPTANCE?
00:35:25.083 --> 00:35:28.249
YEAH.
I THINK THAT WAS JUST ME
BEING NICE.
00:35:28.250 --> 00:35:29.125
YOU THINK SO?
00:35:29.126 --> 00:35:30.583
I\'M USUALLY REALLY NICE
TO PEOPLE.
00:35:30.584 --> 00:35:33.708
YOU ALSO SAID, I LOVE YOU. MOST PEOPLE
DON\'T SAY I LOVE YOU WHEN THEY FIRST MEET YOU.
00:35:33.709 --> 00:35:34.998
I\'VE TRIED. IT DOESN\'T WORK.
00:35:34.999 --> 00:35:35.501
OH.
00:35:35.876 --> 00:35:36.999
WE JUST SET A RULE
IN THE HOUSE THAT
00:35:37.000 --> 00:35:38.541
YOU CAN SAY IT TWICE A DAY.
00:35:38.542 --> 00:35:39.998
SAY I LOVE YOU TWICE A DAY.
00:35:39.999 --> 00:35:40.918
YEAH. AND THAT\'S IT.
00:35:40.919 --> 00:35:43.998
HE\'S REALLY -
HE\'S REALLY WORKED ON THAT.
00:35:43.999 --> 00:35:44.918
HE\'S REALLY WORKED HARD ON THAT
00:35:44.919 --> 00:35:46.458
BECAUSE IT USED TO BE
A HUNDRED TIMES A DAY.
00:35:46.459 --> 00:35:50.041
WHEN I SAY I LOVE YA,
I DON\'T MEAN IT SEXUALLY.
00:35:50.042 --> 00:35:50.709
I KNOW THAT.
00:35:50.710 --> 00:35:52.708
I MEAN IT FRIENDSHIP WISE.
00:35:52.709 --> 00:35:52.999
I KNOW.
00:35:53.000 --> 00:35:54.416
YOU\'RE A REALLY
GOOD FRIEND.
00:35:54.417 --> 00:35:54.999
I KNOW.
00:35:55.000 --> 00:35:57.333
AND EVEN THOUGH
THIS IS THE SECOND TIME
00:35:57.334 --> 00:36:00.917
THAT YOU\'VE COME OVER, THE SECOND TIME THAT
I\'VE BEEN INTRODUCED TO YOU,
00:36:00.918 --> 00:36:02.998
YOU REALLY CARE ABOUT ME,
RIGHT?
00:36:02.999 --> 00:36:04.082
I DO.
00:36:04.083 --> 00:36:06.041
I LOVE YOU, DAD.
I LOVE YOU, DAD.
00:36:06.042 --> 00:36:07.249
00:36:07.250 --> 00:36:08.167
00:36:08.168 --> 00:36:10.917
OH, YOU\'RE SAYING IT MORE
THAN TWICE TODAY.
00:36:10.918 --> 00:36:12.292
YEAH, I KNOW.
00:36:13.667 --> 00:36:15.541
I KNOW IT\'S REALLY HARD \'CAUSE
00:36:15.542 --> 00:36:18.416
LIKE SOMETIMES KIDS AREN\'T
REALLY NICE TO YOU.
00:36:18.417 --> 00:36:19.125
YEAH, THEY TEASE ME A LOT.
00:36:19.126 --> 00:36:21.958
LIKE IN SCHOOL THAT HAPPENED
TO ME.
00:36:21.959 --> 00:36:23.541
I JUST FEEL THE SAME
ABOUT MYSELF.
00:36:23.542 --> 00:36:25.333
I DON\'T FEEL ANY LESS
ABOUT MYSELF
00:36:25.334 --> 00:36:27.124
THAT PEOPLE MAKE ME FEEL BAD.
00:36:27.125 --> 00:36:28.416
YEAH, THAT\'S IMPORTANT, RIGHT?
00:36:28.417 --> 00:36:32.249
I THINK ABOUT MYSELF AS A VERY
NICE PERSON. I LOVE MYSELF.
00:36:32.250 --> 00:36:34.291
YEAH, \'CAUSE IT\'S IMPORTANT NOT
TO BE UPSET
00:36:34.292 --> 00:36:36.416
BY WHAT OTHER PEOPLE SAY,
RIGHT?
00:36:36.417 --> 00:36:40.541
MHM. BECAUSE OTHER PEOPLE CAN BE
MEAN AND IT DOESN\'T MATTER.
00:36:40.542 --> 00:36:41.542
MHM.
00:36:45.501 --> 00:36:46.791
IT JUST BREAKS MY HEART
00:36:46.792 --> 00:36:48.998
THAT CHRIS USED TO HAVE A LOT
OF FRIENDS.
00:36:48.999 --> 00:36:53.833
THIS HOUSE WAS FULL OF KIDS.
AND NOBODY PHONES,
00:36:53.834 --> 00:36:55.500
NOBODY COMES BY.
00:36:55.501 --> 00:36:57.998
AND TWO YEARS AGO
HE HAD A BIRTHDAY
00:36:57.999 --> 00:37:00.583
AND HE INVITED WHAT HE THOUGHT
WAS HIS BEST FRIEND
00:37:00.584 --> 00:37:04.291
FOR AN OVERNIGHT
AND HE STOOD HIM UP.
00:37:04.292 --> 00:37:07.416
DO YOU FIND THAT PEOPLE ARE
MAKING FUN OF YOU AT SCHOOL
00:37:07.417 --> 00:37:08.999
AT ALL?
00:37:09.626 --> 00:37:11.958
AH YEAH, A LOT OF PEOPLE, YEAH.
00:37:11.959 --> 00:37:12.998
YEAH.
00:37:12.999 --> 00:37:14.833
MAKE FUN OF ME.
WHAT KIND OF THINGS WOULD
THEY SAY?
00:37:14.834 --> 00:37:18.999
FAG A LOT, AH QUEER, AH -
00:37:19.918 --> 00:37:21.041
DOES IT GET YOU MAD?
00:37:21.042 --> 00:37:22.374
YEAH, A LITTLE BIT, YEAH.
00:37:22.375 --> 00:37:23.999
HOW DO YOU SHOW THAT ANGER?
00:37:24.000 --> 00:37:26.998
FRUSTRATION.
LIKE I HIT THINGS
00:37:26.999 --> 00:37:30.249
AND I BREAK THINGS
AND I SWEAR A LOT.
00:37:30.250 --> 00:37:33.583
SOME DAYS I\'M JUST LIKE SHIP
HIM OFF,
00:37:33.584 --> 00:37:34.708
LIKE GET HIM OUT OF HERE.
00:37:34.709 --> 00:37:36.958
I\'VE HAD ENOUGH, YOU KNOW,
00:37:36.959 --> 00:37:41.999
AND I\'M HIS MOTHER AND I\'M SUPPOSED
TO LOVE HIM UNCONDITIONALLY.
00:37:43.292 --> 00:37:46.124
I USED TO CRY ABOUT IT A LOT
00:37:46.125 --> 00:37:50.291
AND I WOULD GET VERY AH,
VERY STRESSED OUT
00:37:50.292 --> 00:37:52.750
AND I WOULD GET VERY ANGRY
AS WELL.
00:37:52.751 --> 00:37:54.249
BUT THE THOUGHT THAT MY PARENTS
TOLD ME,
00:37:54.250 --> 00:37:57.333
HONEY, YOU\'VE GOT OBSESSIVE
COMPULSIVE DISORDER.
00:37:57.334 --> 00:38:00.583
WE ASKED SOME PROFESSIONALS AND
THEY SAY THAT YOU\'VE GOT IT.
00:38:00.584 --> 00:38:03.416
AND I ASKED, WELL WILL I HAVE
IT FOREVER AND MY PARENTS SAID,
00:38:03.417 --> 00:38:05.583
YES UNTIL THE DAY YOU DIE YOU
WILL HAVE IT.
00:38:05.584 --> 00:38:07.875
BUT THEY GAVE YOU I HOPE SOME
HOPE.
00:38:07.876 --> 00:38:10.998
I THINK IT GETS TO A POINT WHEN
YOU REALLY KNOW ABOUT IT,
00:38:10.999 --> 00:38:14.791
WHEN YOU CAN REALLY UNDERSTAND
ALL THE THINGS AROUND YOU
00:38:14.792 --> 00:38:15.998
THAT ARE OCD IN YOUR LIFE.
00:38:15.999 --> 00:38:17.500
AND WHEN IT HITS YOUR BRAIN YOU
CAN IMMEDIATELY SAY,
00:38:17.501 --> 00:38:21.998
WAIT A SECOND, THAT\'S OCD.
THAT\'S NOT CHRIS TALKING.
00:38:21.999 --> 00:38:25.291
IT\'S TELLING THE DIFFERENCE?
IT\'S TELLING THE DIFFERENCE,
EXACTLY, EXACTLY.
00:38:25.292 --> 00:38:27.291
AND WHEN YOU KNOW THAT
DIFFERENCE YOU CAN SAY,
00:38:27.292 --> 00:38:29.666
FORGET IT, I\'M NOT DOING IT,
\'CAUSE THAT\'S OCD
00:38:29.667 --> 00:38:31.458
AND THAT\'S WHERE BEHAVIOUR
THERAPY COMES IN
00:38:31.459 --> 00:38:34.334
A LITTLE BIT TO HELP.
00:38:37.626 --> 00:38:38.791
ONCE I FOUND OUT WHAT OCD WAS,
00:38:38.792 --> 00:38:44.999
THAT IT HAD A NAME, THAT IT WAS
REAL, I WAS ABLE TO CONQUER IT.
00:38:45.000 --> 00:38:48.458
SO WHAT I BASICALLY DID WAS
I WENT BACK TO MY ROOM
00:38:48.459 --> 00:38:51.166
AND I MADE EVERYTHING TOTALLY
ASKEW.
00:38:51.167 --> 00:38:54.834
I MADE IT COMPLETELY WRONG.
00:38:54.918 --> 00:38:57.708
THE RADIO KNOB GOES TO ITS
HALFWAY POINT.
00:38:57.709 --> 00:39:00.124
CUPBOARDS, DRAWERS, I\'D LEAVE
THEM HALF OPEN.
00:39:00.125 --> 00:39:02.625
AND I\'D LET THE ANXIETIES
OF ALL THIS,
00:39:02.626 --> 00:39:07.751
ALL THIS BEING WRONG, JUST WASH
OVER ME.
00:39:07.959 --> 00:39:10.750
REMARKABLY, AFTER A VERY SHORT
TIME,
00:39:10.751 --> 00:39:15.792
THE ANXIETIES OF THESE OCD\'S
WENT AWAY.
00:39:16.584 --> 00:39:18.708
I NOW KNOW THAT I\'M ONE
OF THE LUCKY ONES.
00:39:18.709 --> 00:39:23.751
I WAS ABLE TO GET MY OCD
UNDER CONTROL.
00:39:26.000 --> 00:39:29.666
BEHAVIOUR THERAPY IS AH
EXPOSURE AND RESPONSE.
00:39:29.667 --> 00:39:33.541
SO EXPOSURE IS EXPOSING
YOURSELF
00:39:33.542 --> 00:39:36.999
TO SOMETHING THAT YOU FEAR.
00:39:37.459 --> 00:39:40.998
I\'M OUTSIDE OF THE SPECIAL
IMMUNOLOGY SERVICE CLINIC.
00:39:40.999 --> 00:39:44.124
THIS IS OUR HIV-AIDS CLINIC
IN HAMILTON.
00:39:44.125 --> 00:39:48.417
I COME HERE TO DO MY BEHAVIOUR
THERAPY.
00:39:48.999 --> 00:39:53.750
BY COMING HERE IT EXPOSES ME
TO HIV AND AIDS
00:39:53.751 --> 00:39:55.998
WHICH I\'M SCARED OF.
00:39:55.999 --> 00:39:58.458
AND THE LONGER I SIT OR STAND
HERE,
00:39:58.459 --> 00:40:01.875
THE MORE MY ANXIETY LEVEL
GOES DOWN.
00:40:01.876 --> 00:40:03.875
SO IT\'S REALLY HIGH WHEN
I FIRST COME
00:40:03.876 --> 00:40:07.999
AND THEN IT DROPS SLOWLY
AS I SIT.
00:40:08.000 --> 00:40:09.998
I WANT TO RUN AND WASH MY
HANDS.
00:40:09.999 --> 00:40:10.999
I WANT TO GET OUT OF HERE.
00:40:11.000 --> 00:40:13.291
I WANT TO GO HOME, PUT MY
CLOTHES IN A GARBAGE BAG
00:40:13.292 --> 00:40:15.208
AND THROW THEM OUT OR WASH
THEM.
00:40:15.209 --> 00:40:19.208
BUT I MAKE MYSELF WHEN I GO
HOME WEAR THE SAME CLOTHES
00:40:19.209 --> 00:40:21.999
FOR THE WHOLE DAY.
00:40:22.125 --> 00:40:27.708
ALEXANDER, DAVID AND ANDREW,
LINE UP AT THE FRONT.
00:40:27.709 --> 00:40:30.875
ONCE THE MEDICATION KICKED IN,
WE WERE ABLE TO SEE
00:40:30.876 --> 00:40:32.998
THE COGNITIVE BEHAVIOUR THERAPY
START WORKING
00:40:32.999 --> 00:40:34.917
AND HE WAS ABLE TO WORK ON
EXPOSURE
00:40:34.918 --> 00:40:35.751
AND RESPONSE PREVENTION
00:40:35.752 --> 00:40:39.998
WHICH REALLY HAS BEEN KEY
IN TERMS OF TEACHING HIM
00:40:39.999 --> 00:40:44.583
TO LET THE THOUGHT PASS AND
NOT RESPOND WITH A RITUAL.
00:40:44.584 --> 00:40:46.208
ANDREW, WHAT\'S HAPPENING?
00:40:46.209 --> 00:40:48.249
00:40:48.250 --> 00:40:49.416
00:40:49.417 --> 00:40:50.458
YEAH.
00:40:50.459 --> 00:40:51.417
00:40:51.418 --> 00:40:55.209
YEAH. I HAVE ALL THESE GERMS
ON ME.
00:40:55.334 --> 00:41:00.584
I\'M REALLY, REALLY AFRAID.
I\'M AFRAID. (CRYING)
00:41:00.999 --> 00:41:04.998
00:41:04.999 --> 00:41:06.417
YEAH.
00:41:08.501 --> 00:41:10.999
I WANT TO HAVE A BATH.
00:41:13.999 --> 00:41:19.333
OKAY SWEETIE, COME. WHEN DID
YOU LAST HAVE A SHOWER HUH?
00:41:19.334 --> 00:41:20.125
00:41:20.126 --> 00:41:21.999
NO THIS MORNING. YOU HAD
A SHOWER THIS MORNING.
00:41:22.000 --> 00:41:23.750
YOU DON\'T NEED ANOTHER SHOWER,
OKAY?
00:41:23.751 --> 00:41:26.750
I KNOW I HAVE GERMS ON ME.
00:41:26.751 --> 00:41:27.998
00:41:27.999 --> 00:41:28.876
00:41:28.877 --> 00:41:30.374
00:41:30.375 --> 00:41:32.166
WHAT NUMBER IS IT, SWEETIE?
00:41:32.167 --> 00:41:32.999
00:41:33.000 --> 00:41:34.541
00:41:34.542 --> 00:41:35.125
00:41:35.126 --> 00:41:37.998
OKAY. WELL THEN CLOSE YOUR
EYES.
00:41:37.999 --> 00:41:39.999
STAND UP. STAND UP FOR
A MINUTE.
00:41:40.000 --> 00:41:44.292
OKAY, CLOSE YOUR EYES.
CLOSE YOUR EYES.
00:41:44.876 --> 00:41:45.998
OKAY, READY? WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.
00:41:45.999 --> 00:41:49.166
CLOSE YOUR EYES.
PICTURE THE SHOWER.
00:41:49.167 --> 00:41:53.583
PUT A BIG X THROUGH IT AND
LET IT BUBBLE UP INTO THE AIR,
00:41:53.584 --> 00:41:57.834
WATCH IT GO INTO THE AIR
FAR AWAY, AWAY, AWAY.
00:41:57.999 --> 00:42:01.166
BREATHE DEEPLY, SWEETIE.
BREATHE. NO, SH-SH-SH.
00:42:01.167 --> 00:42:04.998
BREATHE. PICTURE IT GOING AWAY
LIKE A BALLOON,
00:42:04.999 --> 00:42:07.250
FLOATING AWAY.
00:42:11.000 --> 00:42:12.791
IN SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH.
00:42:12.792 --> 00:42:14.082
IN SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH.
00:42:14.083 --> 00:42:15.416
00:42:15.417 --> 00:42:16.500
00:42:16.501 --> 00:42:17.417
00:42:17.418 --> 00:42:19.875
AND HONOUR YOU.
ALL THE DAYS OF MY LIFE.
00:42:19.876 --> 00:42:21.333
ALL THE DAYS OF MY LIFE.
00:42:21.334 --> 00:42:27.918
I SHOOK EVERYBODY\'S HANDS,
I DANCED.
00:42:31.542 --> 00:42:33.208
WE WENT ON A ONE WEEK CRUISE
00:42:33.209 --> 00:42:35.708
AND A TWO WEEK JAMAICAN
HOLIDAY.
00:42:35.709 --> 00:42:36.958
I DIDN\'T HAVE A PROBLEM.
00:42:36.959 --> 00:42:38.750
WE WENT DEEP SEA FISHING.
00:42:38.751 --> 00:42:39.542
WE HIRED OUR OWN BOAT.
00:42:39.543 --> 00:42:42.998
WE DID EVERYTHING AND ANYTHING
POSSIBLE.
00:42:42.999 --> 00:42:45.958
I MARRIED HER BECAUSE I LOVED
HER.
00:42:45.959 --> 00:42:47.998
YOU MUST BE INCREDIBLY ANGRY
AS WELL.
00:42:47.999 --> 00:42:51.500
OH SURE I\'M ANGRY. I\'M ANGRY
AT A LOT OF THINGS.
00:42:51.501 --> 00:42:54.998
A LOT OF THINGS WE CAN\'T DO
ANYMORE, YOU KNOW.
00:42:54.999 --> 00:42:56.166
I KNOW THIS IS A TOUCHY SUBJECT
00:42:56.167 --> 00:42:57.500
AND WE DON\'T HAVE TO TALK ABOUT
IT.
00:42:57.501 --> 00:43:02.791
ROMANCE IN YOUR LIFE, HAVE YOU
BEEN ABLE TO KEEP THAT ALIVE
00:43:02.792 --> 00:43:07.708
WITH FEELINGS OF CONTAMINATION
AND SUCH?
00:43:07.709 --> 00:43:09.750
AH, I\'M SCARED ABOUT IT BECAUSE
00:43:09.751 --> 00:43:15.501
I DON\'T KNOW IF SHE WANTS ME
NEAR HER OR NOT NEAR HER.
00:43:16.250 --> 00:43:17.998
YOU MISS THE DAYS WHEN YOU CAN
HUG EACH OTHER
00:43:17.999 --> 00:43:23.375
OR YOU CAN KISS EACH OTHER GOOD
MORNING. (CRYING)...SHIT
00:43:33.709 --> 00:43:34.958
I PROMISE TO BE TRUE TO YOU.
00:43:34.959 --> 00:43:37.166
IN GOOD TIMES AND IN BAD.
00:43:37.167 --> 00:43:41.709
IN GOOD TIMES AND IN BAD.
00:43:45.876 --> 00:43:48.500
HE STUCK IT THROUGH THE WHOLE
ENTIRE MARRIAGE
00:43:48.501 --> 00:43:51.998
FROM THE BEGINNING TILL NOW.
AND AH -
00:43:51.999 --> 00:43:53.998
I GUESS YOU\'LL KEEP HIM?
00:43:53.999 --> 00:43:58.541
OH, I\'LL KEEP HIM. I DON\'T KNOW IF HE\'LL
KEEP ME THOUGH. BUT I\'LL KEEP HIM.
00:43:58.542 --> 00:44:02.500
IF THAT\'S WHAT YOU\'RE DEALT
IN LIFE, YOU ACCEPT IT.
00:44:02.501 --> 00:44:03.958
RIGHT.
00:44:03.959 --> 00:44:07.751
WALKING AWAY DOESN\'T MAKE IT
EASY.
00:44:08.584 --> 00:44:11.541
IS YOUR DAUGHTER AWARE OF OCD?
DOES SHE UNDERSTAND IT?
00:44:11.542 --> 00:44:16.208
SHE\'S TOTALLY, TOTALLY
KNOWLEDGEABLE IN OCD.
00:44:16.209 --> 00:44:19.291
IT SCARES HER SOMETIMES. I\'VE
TOLD HER NOT TO BE SCARED.
00:44:19.292 --> 00:44:22.625
I\'VE TOLD HER MANY TIMES THAT
IF THE AMBULANCE COMES
00:44:22.626 --> 00:44:24.208
OR IF MOM NEEDS MEDICAL
ATTENTION
00:44:24.209 --> 00:44:25.999
OR SHE HAS TO GO TO
THE HOSPITAL
00:44:26.000 --> 00:44:31.125
IT\'S BECAUSE THEY\'RE TRYING
TO HELP MOM.
00:44:36.751 --> 00:44:39.958
I COME TO THE PARKING LOT
AT WORK IN THE MORNING.
00:44:39.959 --> 00:44:41.666
IT WILL TAKE ME TWENTY MINUTES
OR LONGER
00:44:41.667 --> 00:44:45.083
JUST TO GET OUT OF THE CAR.
00:44:45.999 --> 00:44:47.833
I HAVE TO GO THROUGH A RITUAL.
00:44:47.834 --> 00:44:48.501
MAKE SURE IT\'S IN PARK,
00:44:48.502 --> 00:44:51.458
MAKE SURE ALL THE WINDOWS ARE
DONE UP.
00:44:51.459 --> 00:44:54.124
I MEAN I PUT MY HAND ON THE
GLASS, YOU KNOW,
00:44:54.125 --> 00:44:56.998
AND BE TAPPING AGAINST THE TOP
TO MAKE SURE THAT
00:44:56.999 --> 00:45:03.166
YOU KNOW - TO CONVINCE
MYSELF THAT IT WAS DONE UP.
00:45:03.167 --> 00:45:05.500
HE HAD A GOOD JOB AND WAS DOING
REALLY WELL
00:45:05.501 --> 00:45:08.333
AND THEN TOWARDS THE END IT
JUST DETERIORATED SO MUCH
00:45:08.334 --> 00:45:09.416
HE COULDN\'T DO THE JOB
00:45:09.417 --> 00:45:12.833
AND THEN HE COULDN\'T EVEN
HANDLE DOING THE PHOTOCOPYING.
00:45:12.834 --> 00:45:13.875
YOU COME IN WITH A BROKEN ARM,
00:45:13.876 --> 00:45:15.998
PEOPLE SEE IT,
PEOPLE UNDERSTAND IT.
00:45:15.999 --> 00:45:16.626
BUT YOU COME IN AND SAY,
00:45:16.627 --> 00:45:20.416
WELL I DON\'T BELIEVE THERE\'S
COFFEE IN THIS MUG,
00:45:20.417 --> 00:45:23.999
IT\'S HARD FOR SOMEONE TO
UNDERSTAND THAT.
00:45:24.000 --> 00:45:24.999
THANK GOD I WAS IN THE UNION
00:45:25.000 --> 00:45:26.333
BECAUSE THERE WAS A CLAUSE
IN THERE
00:45:26.334 --> 00:45:29.791
WHICH ALLOWED FOR DISABILITY.
00:45:29.792 --> 00:45:30.999
00:45:31.000 --> 00:45:32.998
HE DID DO THE BEHAVIOUR
MODIFICATION
00:45:32.999 --> 00:45:34.500
AND THAT WAS WONDERFUL.
00:45:34.501 --> 00:45:36.791
BUT, IT GRADUALLY SLIPPED BACK
AGAIN.
00:45:36.792 --> 00:45:39.875
SO HE\'D HEARD ABOUT THIS
SURGERY
00:45:39.876 --> 00:45:41.958
AND I DIDN\'T GET INTO A WHOLE
LOT OF THE DETAILS ON THAT
00:45:41.959 --> 00:45:46.999
BUT IT\'S ALMOST LIKE A BIT
OF A LOBOTOMY.
00:45:48.083 --> 00:45:49.875
WHEN THEY FIRST MENTIONED
IT TO ME,
00:45:49.876 --> 00:45:52.082
YOU THINK ABOUT BACK IN
THE 50\'S,
00:45:52.083 --> 00:45:53.124
THESE BLACK AND WHITE
PHOTOGRAPHS
00:45:53.125 --> 00:45:56.041
OF PEOPLE BEING TURNED INTO
ZOMBIES, YOU KNOW.
00:45:56.042 --> 00:45:57.583
BUT IT\'S NOT LIKE THAT AT ALL.
00:45:57.584 --> 00:46:01.458
AND WHEN WE WENT IN, LIKE THEY
PUT THIS CAGE OVER HIS HEAD
00:46:01.459 --> 00:46:04.124
AND THEY SCREWED IT INTO HIS
HEAD AND IT WAS,
00:46:04.125 --> 00:46:08.626
OH, WHEN I SAW HIM IT WAS JUST
HORRIBLE.
00:46:09.501 --> 00:46:13.999
NOW YOU\'RE COMPLETELY AWAKE
DURING THE PROCEDURE.
00:46:14.000 --> 00:46:18.041
THEY DRILL A HOLE RIGHT THROUGH
YOUR SKULL.
00:46:18.042 --> 00:46:22.584
THEN THEY PUT A PROBE DOWN
THERE.
00:46:22.999 --> 00:46:25.708
AND YOU JUST WONDER WHAT\'S
GOING TO HAPPEN,
00:46:25.709 --> 00:46:26.417
HOW MUCH DAMAGE THEY CAN DO
00:46:26.418 --> 00:46:31.999
BECAUSE A SIMPLE SLIP AND
HE COULD BE A VEGETABLE.
00:46:45.000 --> 00:46:46.917
WHEN WE MET YOU THE VERY FIRST
TIME
00:46:46.918 --> 00:46:50.124
YOU WERE IN YOUR GIRL SCOUT
UNIFORM.
00:46:50.125 --> 00:46:50.626
AAH!
00:46:50.627 --> 00:46:54.166
AGH! SO UNCOOL.
00:46:54.167 --> 00:46:55.333
I HATED THAT.
00:46:55.334 --> 00:46:58.167
WELL, IT\'S KIND OF A PAIN.
00:46:58.334 --> 00:47:00.917
BUT YOU CAN HELP HIM A LOT
SOMETIMES
00:47:00.918 --> 00:47:02.999
AND SOMETIMES YOU CAN\'T.
00:47:03.000 --> 00:47:06.875
AND THEN ONE YEAR LATER WE CAME
BACK TO YOU.
00:47:06.876 --> 00:47:07.459
AND I HAD IT.
00:47:07.460 --> 00:47:10.917
YOU HAD IT.I HAD THE EXACT SAME THING THAT
I WAS SAYING.
00:47:10.918 --> 00:47:15.166
AND IT WAS WEIRD BECAUSE WHEN
WE WATCH IT SOMETIMES,
00:47:15.167 --> 00:47:17.834
IT\'S LIKE, IT\'S ME NOW.
00:47:19.999 --> 00:47:23.500
I HAVE TO GO 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6,
7, 8, 9, 10.
00:47:23.501 --> 00:47:25.833
WE DON\'T KNOW WHERE IT ALL CAME
FROM.
00:47:25.834 --> 00:47:27.708
IT WAS A TOTAL SURPRISE TO US.
00:47:27.709 --> 00:47:30.416
AND THEN FOR MY FINAL ONE,
I\'VE ALWAYS GOTTA GO 11.
00:47:30.417 --> 00:47:32.998
IT HASN\'T EVEN SUNK IN YET THAT
WE HAVE TWO OF THEM
00:47:32.999 --> 00:47:35.500
THAT ARE GOING THROUGH ALL
THIS.
00:47:35.501 --> 00:47:37.249
IT DOESN\'T MATTER,
AS LONG AS THEY WIN.
00:47:37.250 --> 00:47:38.042
00:47:38.043 --> 00:47:43.998
IN MY CASE, I CRIED A LOT,
I WENT TO CHURCH A LOT.
00:47:43.999 --> 00:47:46.998
SOMETIMES YOU FEEL LIKE TEARING
YOUR HAIR OUT AND SAY, ENOUGH!
00:47:46.999 --> 00:47:48.998
BUT YOU HAVE TO WORK THROUGH
IT AND REMAIN CALM
00:47:48.999 --> 00:47:52.998
OR ELSE IT DOESN\'T WORK.
IT\'S JUST LIKE ANY PARENTING.
00:47:52.999 --> 00:47:58.250
AND THEN - I\'M JUST ACTUALLY
HAVING ONE RIGHT NOW.
00:47:58.834 --> 00:48:01.082
I HAVE TO CLOSE THIS TIGHT.
00:48:01.083 --> 00:48:02.875
AND THE LATEST RESEARCH ON OCD
00:48:02.876 --> 00:48:05.708
IS SHOWING A STRONG GENETIC
COMPONENT.
00:48:05.709 --> 00:48:07.917
I AM HAVING ONE ACTUALLY RIGHT
NOW.
00:48:07.918 --> 00:48:09.791
NEITHER DAVID NOR I HAVE OCD.
00:48:09.792 --> 00:48:13.291
I CERTAINLY HAVE OBSESSIVE
COMPULSIVE TENDENCIES,
00:48:13.292 --> 00:48:14.583
BUT I HAVEN\'T CROSSED THE LINE
00:48:14.584 --> 00:48:17.041
INTO THE ACTUAL DISORDER
ITSELF.
00:48:17.042 --> 00:48:20.166
I WOULD BE MORE OF
A PERFECTIONIST.
00:48:20.167 --> 00:48:24.917
SO THE HOMEWORK WAS THE WORRY,
THOUGHTS AND CHALLENGES,
00:48:24.918 --> 00:48:28.833
THE FEAR PLAN AND MONITORING
YOUR SYMPTOMS.
00:48:28.834 --> 00:48:31.583
I DIDN\'T HUG - I DON\'T KISS
HER ANYMORE.
00:48:31.584 --> 00:48:34.082
GREAT. YOU\'VE GOT ONE OFF
THE LIST,
00:48:34.083 --> 00:48:36.750
OKAY. TWO STICKERS. EXCELLENT.
00:48:36.751 --> 00:48:38.998
SO YOU WERE ABLE TO FIGHT
THE URGE.
00:48:38.999 --> 00:48:39.584
00:48:39.585 --> 00:48:45.998
OKAY. SO WHAT ARE THE NEW ONES
THAT YOU\'RE DEVELOPING?
00:48:45.999 --> 00:48:48.750
UM, I GO, ARE YOU TIRED?
00:48:48.751 --> 00:48:50.082
AND IF THEY\'RE TIRED,
00:48:50.083 --> 00:48:54.583
I GET SCARED THAT SOMEONE IS
GONNA COME AND KILL ME, RIGHT?
00:48:54.584 --> 00:48:58.998
SO I ALWAYS ASK THAT, AND IF
THEY ARE, I GET REALLY SCARED.
00:48:58.999 --> 00:49:00.166
IF THEY\'RE NOT, I\'M OKAY.
00:49:00.167 --> 00:49:02.998
BUT I ALWAYS KNOW THAT THEY
KIND OF REALLY ARE
00:49:02.999 --> 00:49:04.998
BUT THEY\'RE JUST NOT GONNA
TELL ME.
00:49:04.999 --> 00:49:09.124
WHAT CAN YOU SAY TO YOURSELF
THAT COULD HELP YOU
00:49:09.125 --> 00:49:13.999
FEEL MORE RELAXED ABOUT GOING
TO SLEEP?
00:49:14.042 --> 00:49:17.999
I TRUST THE PEOPLE IN MY HOUSE
AND I TRUST MY HOUSE.
00:49:18.000 --> 00:49:22.999
EXCELLENT. I THINK YOU EARNED
ANOTHER STICKER.
00:49:24.999 --> 00:49:25.999
00:49:26.000 --> 00:49:29.166
OKAY. NOW WHAT RITUAL ARE YOU
GOING TO WORK ON?
00:49:29.167 --> 00:49:32.291
THE \"ARE YOU TIRED.\" AND WHAT AM I SUPPOSED
TO SAY IF YOU SAY \"ARE YOU TIRED?\"
00:49:32.292 --> 00:49:35.124
NOTHING. I\'M NOT
GONNA SAY IT, MOM.
00:49:35.125 --> 00:49:37.000
OKAY! SHAKE.
00:49:43.250 --> 00:49:48.333
THE OPERATION DIDN\'T HAVE ANY
EFFECT.
00:49:48.334 --> 00:49:51.167
THE OCD IS STILL THE SAME.
00:49:53.834 --> 00:49:56.833
IT\'S CHANGED IN SOME RESPECTS.
00:49:56.834 --> 00:49:59.998
IN A LOT OF RESPECTS YOU COULD
SAY IT\'S BETTER
00:49:59.999 --> 00:50:01.374
BUT IT\'S STILL THERE.
00:50:01.375 --> 00:50:04.249
I JUST FELT SO BAD FOR HIM AND
I THOUGHT, I CAN\'T -
00:50:04.250 --> 00:50:07.875
I COULD NEVER LEAVE HIM. YOU COULDN\'T
LEAVE ANYONE IN A SITUATION LIKE THAT.
00:50:07.876 --> 00:50:11.082
BUT THEN, HE WAS THE ONE WHO
DECIDED TO LEAVE.
00:50:11.083 --> 00:50:13.998
AND SO THEN IT WAS, IT WAS HIS
CHOICE,
00:50:13.999 --> 00:50:15.291
BECAUSE I WOULD NEVER HAVE
LEFT HIM
00:50:15.292 --> 00:50:19.666
ONLY BECAUSE I MADE THIS
PROMISE BACK 22 YEARS AGO
00:50:19.667 --> 00:50:21.999
AND THERE ARE CERTAIN PROMISES
THAT IF I MAKE
00:50:22.000 --> 00:50:22.999
I\'LL NEVER BREAK THEM.
00:50:23.000 --> 00:50:26.249
AND THAT WAS ONE OF THEM,
THOUGH, UNFORTUNATELY.
00:50:26.250 --> 00:50:29.166
I DON\'T REALLY FEEL THAT I GOT
THE EMOTIONAL SUPPORT
00:50:29.167 --> 00:50:34.000
THAT AH I SHOULD PERHAPS -
COULD HAVE GOTTEN.
00:50:34.999 --> 00:50:40.750
AND AH, I THINK THAT WOULD ALSO
HAVE MADE IT EASIER FOR HER.
00:50:40.751 --> 00:50:43.750
THE FIRST WEEKEND HE WAS GONE,
MY SON HAD A HUGE PARTY
00:50:43.751 --> 00:50:45.998
AND THEN MY DAUGHTER HAD A HUGE
PARTY
00:50:45.999 --> 00:50:48.124
TO JUST CELEBRATE BEING ON OUR
OWN,
00:50:48.125 --> 00:50:52.208
WHICH IT\'S SAD BUT THAT\'S WHAT
THEY WANTED
00:50:52.209 --> 00:50:56.709
TO JUST FEEL FREE AND AWAY FROM
IT ALL.
00:50:56.792 --> 00:50:58.998
LIKE PHYSICALLY I\'M HEALTHY
AS A HORSE.
00:50:58.999 --> 00:51:01.999
BUT UNFORTUNATELY YOU JUST
CAN\'T SCREW OFF YOUR HEAD
00:51:02.000 --> 00:51:04.208
AND PUT ON ANOTHER HEAD.
00:51:04.209 --> 00:51:05.998
SO, YOU DO WHAT YOU CAN
00:51:05.999 --> 00:51:09.998
AND THE SECRET IS YOU DO IT
AND YOU GO ON.
00:51:09.999 --> 00:51:15.834
SEE, I\'M NOT ONE WHO EVER GIVES
UP. I NEVER GIVE UP.
00:51:26.959 --> 00:51:31.708
TWO SUMMERS AGO, I HAD A COUPLE
OF REALLY BAD TIMES.
00:51:31.709 --> 00:51:34.292
I WAS TOTALLY OVERDOSED.
00:51:38.999 --> 00:51:43.998
I COLLAPSED ON THE FLOOR
UPSTAIRS AND WHEN I CAME TO,
00:51:43.999 --> 00:51:47.875
MY HUSBAND WAS CALLING OUT
MY NAME AND STUFF.
00:51:47.876 --> 00:51:52.166
AND I TOLD HIM TO DRAG ME DOWN
THE STAIRS.
00:51:52.167 --> 00:51:56.291
THE PARAMEDICS WERE NEVER
ALLOWED INSIDE THE HOUSE.
00:51:56.292 --> 00:51:59.041
I DON\'T CARE WHAT YOU HAVE
TO DO. DRAG ME TO THE DOOR.
00:51:59.042 --> 00:52:00.998
THEY\'RE NOT COMING IN MY HOUSE
00:52:00.999 --> 00:52:05.125
AS LONG AS THEY FOUND ME
OUTSIDE.
00:52:08.083 --> 00:52:12.918
I HAVE A FEELING THAT I DID
STOP BREATHING.
00:52:13.542 --> 00:52:15.998
AH, BUT MY HUSBAND WON\'T
DISCUSS IT WITH ME.
00:52:15.999 --> 00:52:21.958
HE TELLS ME IT\'S NOT NECESSARY
FOR ME TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENED.
00:52:21.959 --> 00:52:23.833
GRACE, I KNOW NOTHING ABOUT
THIS STUFF.
00:52:23.834 --> 00:52:28.917
BUT DID YOU TAKE TOO MANY
PILLS? SHOULD I BE WORRIED?
00:52:28.918 --> 00:52:33.083
SHOULD WE BE CALLING
A HOSPITAL?
00:52:34.000 --> 00:52:35.998
ALRIGHT, I MEAN I DON\'T KNOW.
00:52:35.999 --> 00:52:40.709
EIGHT PILLS. - YOU JUST WANT
TO FALL ASLEEP.
00:52:44.999 --> 00:52:46.875
WHAT TIME IS SANDRO HOME IN
THE EVENINGS,
00:52:46.876 --> 00:52:48.959
USUALLY AFTER SIX?
00:52:51.626 --> 00:52:54.999
(Mark on phone)
HI, CAN I HAVE
SANDRO PETRELLA PLEASE.
00:52:55.000 --> 00:52:57.999
OH, IS THERE A CELL PHONE
NUMBER I CAN REACH HIM?
00:52:58.000 --> 00:53:00.500
IT\'S QUITE URGENT. - RIGHT.
00:53:00.501 --> 00:53:02.333
DO YOU HAVE A WAY OF REACHING
HIM ON THE ROAD?
00:53:02.334 --> 00:53:05.458
OH, THANK YOU. IF YOU COULD DO
IT RIGHT AWAY, IT IS URGENT.
00:53:05.459 --> 00:53:06.542
BYE BYE.
00:53:25.959 --> 00:53:27.998
SO HOW IS IT GOING, GRACE?
00:53:27.999 --> 00:53:31.999
OH, I\'VE NEVER DONE WHAT I DID
LAST WEEK. (CRYING)
00:53:32.000 --> 00:53:35.834
I KNOW.
00:53:38.667 --> 00:53:40.958
DO YOU FEEL LIKE YOU MIGHT DO
THAT AGAIN?
00:53:40.959 --> 00:53:42.917
DOES THAT FEEL LIKE A RISK
RIGHT NOW?
00:53:42.918 --> 00:53:47.291
LAST NIGHT I WAS MAKING DINNER
AND I JUST STOPPED
00:53:47.292 --> 00:53:51.998
AND STARED AT THE KNIFE AND IT
WAS SO EASY FOR ME TO -
00:53:51.999 --> 00:53:53.542
TO JUST DO IT.
00:53:54.999 --> 00:53:56.625
AND THEN I DON\'T KNOW WHAT HELD
ME BACK.
00:53:56.626 --> 00:53:59.124
I GUESS IT WAS BECAUSE MY
DAUGHTER
00:53:59.125 --> 00:54:02.998
WAS DUE BACK FROM SCHOOL ANY
MINUTE.
00:54:02.999 --> 00:54:06.998
SO I THINK WHAT WE DO IS WE GET
YOU HOPEFULLY ADMITTED
00:54:06.999 --> 00:54:07.999
THROUGH EMERGENCY.
00:54:08.000 --> 00:54:09.291
WE\'RE GOING TO GO DOWN TO
EMERGENCY
00:54:09.292 --> 00:54:11.833
AND SEE IF WE CAN GET YOU INTO
THE HOSPITAL.
00:54:11.834 --> 00:54:13.750
SO LET ME TRY THAT FIRST, OKAY?
00:54:13.751 --> 00:54:20.584
OKAY.AND LET\'S SEE IF I CAN FIND OUT
IF WE HAVE ANY BEDS, ALRIGHT?
00:54:22.876 --> 00:54:27.291
(On the phone)
HI, IT\'S DR. RICHTER.
WHO AM I SPEAKING WITH?
00:54:27.292 --> 00:54:29.083
HI, CINDY.
00:54:29.918 --> 00:54:32.208
I NEED A BED. DO YOU HAVE ONE?
00:54:32.209 --> 00:54:33.167
OTHERWISE I\'M SENDING HER
TO EMERG.
00:54:33.168 --> 00:54:37.124
IT\'S FOR GRACE PETRELLA.
SHE\'S FEELING LESS IN CONTROL.
00:54:37.125 --> 00:54:43.959
SHE ACTUALLY DID SUPERFICIALLY
CUT HER WRIST LAST WEEK.
00:54:44.292 --> 00:54:45.999
THANKS.
00:54:47.542 --> 00:54:49.416
I MEAN UNFORTUNATELY I JUST
CAN\'T FIND OUT
00:54:49.417 --> 00:54:50.917
ABOUT 9 RIGHT NOW.
00:54:50.918 --> 00:54:52.416
THEY DO HAVE A DISCHARGE
00:54:52.417 --> 00:54:53.999
BUT THE NURSE IS UNDER THE
IMPRESSION
00:54:54.000 --> 00:54:55.833
IT\'S ALREADY BEEN COMMITTED,
THAT BED.
00:54:55.834 --> 00:54:56.998
PLEASE. OH PLEASE.
00:54:56.999 --> 00:54:57.999
SO I WOULDN\'T HOLD YOUR BREATH
00:54:58.000 --> 00:55:02.166
BUT LET\'S WAIT AND FIND OUT.
OKAY?
00:55:02.167 --> 00:55:06.625
I KNOW I\'M ASKING TOO MUCH BUT
MY OCD IS RIDICULOUS LATELY.
00:55:06.626 --> 00:55:08.374
I KNOW, GRACE. I KNOW, GRACE.
00:55:08.375 --> 00:55:14.999
YOU KNOW WHEN I\'M AT HOME
YOU\'RE OKAY. SO -
00:55:15.417 --> 00:55:19.666
SO HOW ARE YOU GOING TO TAKE
A WEEK OFF?
00:55:19.667 --> 00:55:21.999
GRACE, YOU\'RE SICK.
00:55:23.999 --> 00:55:27.333
MY WIFE IS ILL. I\'M ALLOWED TO
GET - THAT\'S STATUTORY LAW,
00:55:27.334 --> 00:55:30.333
YOU\'RE ALLOWED TO LEAVE.
MHM, HE CAN TAKE A LEAVE,
GRACE.
00:55:30.334 --> 00:55:31.625
OKAY? EVEN IF IT\'S FOR A WEEK.
00:55:31.626 --> 00:55:33.958
I\'LL TELL THEM, LOOK I HAVE
TO TAKE A LEAVE OF ABSENCE,
00:55:33.959 --> 00:55:38.918
THAT\'S IT. I CAN\'T DO ANYTHING
ABOUT IT.
00:55:39.292 --> 00:55:42.998
DR. DARBEY. -
00:55:42.999 --> 00:55:47.124
OKAY LET ME ASK THEM, WHERE ARE
YOU? ARE YOU AT 6876?
00:55:47.125 --> 00:55:49.541
OKAY, CAN YOU HOLD FOR JUST
A MOMENT?
00:55:49.542 --> 00:55:50.750
I\'LL JUST ASK THEM TO GO TO
THE HALLWAY. -
00:55:50.751 --> 00:55:51.958
(WHISPERS) PLEASE HELP ME,
PLEASE.
00:55:51.959 --> 00:55:56.501
LET ME JUST SPEAK WITH
DR. DARBEY, OKAY?
00:56:03.417 --> 00:56:05.249
(Grace Wailing)
00:56:05.250 --> 00:56:12.083
GRACE, COME HERE. COME HERE.
GRACE, COME HERE.
00:56:43.792 --> 00:56:45.082
00:56:45.083 --> 00:56:49.082
WE HAVE DR. DARBEY TO THANK.
IT WORKED OUT WELL TODAY.
00:56:49.083 --> 00:56:52.750
THANK DR. DARBEY, FOR SURE.
00:56:52.751 --> 00:56:55.291
WE\'LL WORK ON IT, OKAY.
ALRIGHT.
00:56:55.292 --> 00:56:57.541
ALRIGHT, THANKS.
I\'LL SEE YOU ON 9. I\'LL STOP BY
AND JUST SAY HELLO
00:56:57.542 --> 00:57:02.542
BECAUSE I\'M GOING TO HAVE
TO WRITE THINGS UP.
00:57:09.876 --> 00:57:17.876
I\'M OFF ALL MY MEDS NOW AND I\'M
BACK IN THE PSYCHIATRIC WARD.
00:57:19.501 --> 00:57:22.998
IT GOT REALLY, REALLY HARD
TO COPE.
00:57:22.999 --> 00:57:27.458
I GOT TO THE POINT WHERE I DID
NOT LIKE WANT TO LIVE
00:57:27.459 --> 00:57:29.583
ON THIS EARTH ANY LONGER,
00:57:29.584 --> 00:57:32.041
SO I KNEW I NEEDED HELP.
00:57:32.042 --> 00:57:34.208
I WAS SHOWERING 10 TO 12 TIMES
A DAY.
00:57:34.209 --> 00:57:36.541
I STARTED OFF SHOWERING WITH
JUST LIKE, YOU KNOW,
00:57:36.542 --> 00:57:39.082
SOAP ON MY BODY, SHAMPOO,
CONDITIONER.
00:57:39.083 --> 00:57:42.333
THEN IT BECAME SOAP, SHAMPOO -
SHAMPOO, CONDITIONER,
00:57:42.334 --> 00:57:45.374
SOAP - SHAMPOO, CONDITIONER -
ON MY WHOLE BODY.
00:57:45.375 --> 00:57:49.541
THEN, THEN IT BECAME DISH SOAP,
SHAMPOO, CONDITIONER, SOAP.
00:57:49.542 --> 00:57:52.333
THEN IT BECAME LAUNDRY
DETERGENT, SHAMPOO,
00:57:52.334 --> 00:57:54.999
CONDITIONER, DISH SOAP.
00:57:56.083 --> 00:58:00.291
THEN IT BECAME COMET, LAUNDRY
DETERGENT -
00:58:00.292 --> 00:58:04.833
YEAH, I KNEW I HAD A PROBLEM
WHEN I WAS LIKE USING COMET
00:58:04.834 --> 00:58:08.291
TO CLEAN MY BODY AND LAUNDRY
DETERGENT.
00:58:08.292 --> 00:58:10.291
WHEN YOUR WHOLE DAY IS OCD,
00:58:10.292 --> 00:58:14.541
IF YOU CAN GET LIKE 14 SECONDS,
ONE MINUTE, TWO MINUTES,
00:58:14.542 --> 00:58:15.417
ANYTHING, IT\'S WORTH IT.
00:58:15.418 --> 00:58:17.666
IT\'S WORTH SCRUBBING THE SKIN
OFF OF YOUR BODY
00:58:17.667 --> 00:58:21.166
JUST TO GET TWO MINUTES
OF PEACE AND QUIET.
00:58:21.167 --> 00:58:23.917
LIKE WHEN IT\'S ALL DAY, EVERY
DAY,
00:58:23.918 --> 00:58:25.041
WHEN YOU GO TO BED THINKING
ABOUT IT,
00:58:25.042 --> 00:58:28.750
YOU WAKE UP THINKING ABOUT IT,
YOU HAVE NIGHTMARES ABOUT IT,
00:58:28.751 --> 00:58:32.998
THAT TWO MINUTES IS WORTH MORE
THAN ANYTHING IN THE WORLD.
00:58:32.999 --> 00:58:34.708
DO YOU HAVE A ROOMMATE?
00:58:34.709 --> 00:58:35.998
YEAH I DO.
00:58:35.999 --> 00:58:36.876
HOW OLD IS SHE?
00:58:36.877 --> 00:58:37.917
77.
00:58:37.918 --> 00:58:39.833
SO YOU MUST HAVE A LOT
IN COMMON.
00:58:39.834 --> 00:58:42.042
OH YEAH, TONS, TONS.
00:58:42.375 --> 00:58:45.958
NOW I KNOW YOU ORIGINALLY CAME
HERE BECAUSE THE MEDS WERE OFF
00:58:45.959 --> 00:58:47.917
BECAUSE THEY WANTED TO
INVESTIGATE WHAT CAUSED
00:58:47.918 --> 00:58:50.708
THE NUMBNESS IN YOUR LEGS
AND FEET.
00:58:50.709 --> 00:58:51.375
THEY\'RE NOT SURE.
00:58:51.375 --> 00:58:52.334
BUT I CROSS MY LEGS,
00:58:52.335 --> 00:58:54.124
LIKE I SIT ON THE FLOOR WITH MY
LEGS CROSSED
00:58:54.125 --> 00:58:56.750
AND I DO MY HOMEWORK.
THAT\'S HOW I DO MY HOMEWORK.
00:58:56.751 --> 00:58:59.041
WHEN I WATCH TV I USUALLY SIT
ON THE FLOOR
00:58:59.042 --> 00:58:59.959
WITH MY LEGS CROSSED.
00:58:59.960 --> 00:59:02.833
LIKE YOU KNOW HOW A LITTLE
CHILD DOES.
00:59:02.834 --> 00:59:05.999
WELL, APPARENTLY THAT\'S NOT
SO GREAT FOR YOUR NERVES.
00:59:06.000 --> 00:59:08.917
ARE THEY GOING TO PUT YOU BACK
ON TO THE OC MEDS NOW?
00:59:08.918 --> 00:59:11.500
NOW THAT THEY THINK
THE NUMBNESS WAS CAUSED
00:59:11.501 --> 00:59:13.166
BY CROSSING MY LEGS,
00:59:13.167 --> 00:59:15.833
I\'M ABLE TO GO BACK ON MY
MEDICATION.
00:59:15.834 --> 00:59:16.792
CONGRATULATIONS.
00:59:16.793 --> 00:59:17.999
YEAH, SO -
00:59:18.000 --> 00:59:19.998
THAT\'S GREAT NEWS.
00:59:19.999 --> 00:59:20.918
YEAH. SO IT\'S REALLY GOOD.
00:59:20.919 --> 00:59:22.998
BUT THEY STILL HAVE TO WAIT FOR
THE MRI.
00:59:22.999 --> 00:59:25.458
MY MRI ISN\'T \'TIL MARCH 19
00:59:25.459 --> 00:59:27.998
AND THAT\'S JUST TO RULE OUT
SOME OTHER THINGS.
00:59:27.999 --> 00:59:31.791
BUT THEY\'RE PRETTY SURE IT
IS AND I THINK SO,
00:59:31.792 --> 00:59:35.042
BUT LIKE THERE\'S NO GUARANTEES.
00:59:38.000 --> 00:59:41.999
00:59:50.999 --> 00:59:53.875
WE\'RE GOING TO MCMASTER
HOSPITAL
00:59:53.876 --> 00:59:56.999
TO SEE THE NEUROLOGIST.
00:59:58.999 --> 01:00:01.374
THEY SAID THERE\'S A SMALL
POSSIBILITY
01:00:01.375 --> 01:00:02.998
THAT I MIGHT HAVE MS.
01:00:02.999 --> 01:00:06.666
SO I\'M GOING TO FIND OUT TODAY.
I HAD TWO MRI\'S.
01:00:06.667 --> 01:00:09.291
I HAD THE FIRST AND THEY CALLED
ME BACK FOR A SECOND.
01:00:09.292 --> 01:00:14.834
SO I\'M GOING TO FIND OUT TODAY
IF I HAVE MS OR NOT.
01:00:15.999 --> 01:00:18.583
I EITHER FIND OUT THAT
I\'M GOING TO HAVE A GOOD LIFE
01:00:18.584 --> 01:00:21.541
OR I FIND OUT THAT I\'M GOING
TO HAVE A DEATH SENTENCE.
01:00:21.542 --> 01:00:23.124
THAT\'S HOW I THINK ABOUT IT.
01:00:23.125 --> 01:00:24.249
I KNOW IT\'S PRETTY AWFUL TO SAY
THAT.
01:00:24.250 --> 01:00:28.291
SWEETHEART, IT ISN\'T A DEATH
SENTENCE.
01:00:28.292 --> 01:00:33.999
SO WE\'RE HERE. AND I\'M NERVOUS.
01:00:41.999 --> 01:00:43.542
NERVOUS.
01:00:46.999 --> 01:00:49.999
BE GLAD WHEN IT\'S OVER.
01:01:14.501 --> 01:01:16.541
THEY FOUND OUT IT WASN\'T MS.
01:01:16.542 --> 01:01:20.998
BUT THEY FOUND A SMALL TUMOUR
BY MY BRAIN,
01:01:20.999 --> 01:01:23.459
BY MY PITUITARY GLAND.
01:01:23.792 --> 01:01:26.999
IT\'S IN A HARD TO REACH PLACE.
01:01:28.834 --> 01:01:29.998
AND AH, SHE\'S GOT AN
APPOINTMENT
01:01:29.999 --> 01:01:30.999
OR THEY\'RE GOING TO MAKE HER
AN APPOINTMENT
01:01:31.000 --> 01:01:33.958
WITH A SPECIALIST IN TORONTO
TO TAKE A LOOK.
01:01:33.959 --> 01:01:35.458
THEY DON\'T KNOW IF THEY\'LL
OPERATE.
01:01:35.459 --> 01:01:37.959
THEY MIGHT. MAYBE NOT.
01:01:50.250 --> 01:01:51.416
WHERE ARE WE?
01:01:51.417 --> 01:01:55.667
WELL, WE\'RE
IN MY BACKYARD.
01:01:56.000 --> 01:01:59.041
AH - IT\'S OKAY TO BE
BACK HERE
01:01:59.042 --> 01:02:03.501
AS LONG AS WE DON\'T
GO INSIDE. AH -
01:02:03.709 --> 01:02:04.998
WELL I MADE SURE I TOLD
EVERYBODY
01:02:04.999 --> 01:02:05.999
TO PEE BEFORE WE CAME.
01:02:06.000 --> 01:02:09.000
OH, DID YOU?
THANK GOD.
01:02:09.334 --> 01:02:11.833
SINCE YOUR STAY AT THE HOSPITAL
LAST TIME,
01:02:11.834 --> 01:02:14.082
HOW\'S IT BEEN GOING? ARE YOU ON
A NEW MED NOW?
01:02:14.083 --> 01:02:18.999
YEAH. I\'M ON A NEW MEDICATION
AND AH IT\'S -
01:02:20.584 --> 01:02:24.791
IT\'S GOING BUT THE ONLY PROBLEM
IS THAT I FIND MYSELF
01:02:24.792 --> 01:02:27.791
VERY ANXIOUS DURING THE DAY.
01:02:27.792 --> 01:02:31.833
SHE\'S COME A LONG WAY.
BUT SHE\'S STILL -
01:02:31.834 --> 01:02:32.542
IT\'S STILL HARD FOR HER.
01:02:32.543 --> 01:02:35.998
SHE FIGHTS IT EVERY DAY,
SHE FIGHTS IT.
01:02:35.999 --> 01:02:40.584
I STILL CAN\'T STOP
THE OBSESSIVE THOUGHTS.
01:02:41.667 --> 01:02:44.500
AH, AND I\'VE BEEN GETTING A LOT
OF BAD THOUGHTS,
01:02:44.501 --> 01:02:49.998
LIKE IF I DON\'T DO THIS
SOMETHING IS GOING TO HAPPEN
01:02:49.999 --> 01:02:51.626
TO SO AND SO.
01:02:51.999 --> 01:02:55.041
AND AH, IT\'S JUST A CONSTANT
BATTLE, ALWAYS STRUGGLING,
01:02:55.042 --> 01:02:58.998
ALWAYS QUESTIONING, SECOND
GUESSING YOURSELF.
01:02:58.999 --> 01:03:01.917
DO YOU WANT TO GO AND SEE
THE FROG IN THE POND?
01:03:01.918 --> 01:03:03.998
OKAY.
01:03:03.999 --> 01:03:04.999
WE\'LL GO SEE THE FISH.
01:03:05.000 --> 01:03:10.583
I KNOW YOU CAN\'T SHAKE HANDS,
YOU CAN\'T HUG, OPEN DOORS.
01:03:10.584 --> 01:03:13.541
HOW COME WITH YOUR DAUGHTER
IT\'S NOT A PROBLEM?
01:03:13.542 --> 01:03:17.166
I THINK IT\'S BECAUSE I HURT HER
SO MANY TIMES IN THE PAST
01:03:17.167 --> 01:03:20.875
BY NOT SHOWING HER AFFECTION
AND STUFF
01:03:20.876 --> 01:03:25.082
THAT IT KIND OF AFFECTED HER
AND IT AFFECTED ME.
01:03:25.083 --> 01:03:29.876
I DON\'T WANT TO DO IT TO HER
AGAIN.
01:03:29.999 --> 01:03:34.000
IT\'S HARD BECAUSE HER MOM IS
NOT HOME.
01:03:46.334 --> 01:03:50.999
I SAID I WOULDN\'T BREAK UP.
MY DAUGHTER -
01:03:57.999 --> 01:04:05.042
HELLO. HELLO. ♪ DEE-DEE
DEE-DEE-DEE-DEE-DEE-DEE.
01:04:05.626 --> 01:04:06.459
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
01:04:06.460 --> 01:04:10.041
JUST WALK. ♪ DO-DE-DOO-DE-DOO-
01:04:10.042 --> 01:04:11.458
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU\'RE -
01:04:11.459 --> 01:04:12.125
YOU\'RE A CAMERAMAN NOW?
01:04:12.126 --> 01:04:15.082
DE-DOO-DE-DOO-DE-DOO.
01:04:15.083 --> 01:04:17.584
LIKE NOW SHE\'LL SHOWER
01:04:17.834 --> 01:04:19.750
AND THEN SHE\'LL SAY CAN
I CUDDLE WITH YOU
01:04:19.751 --> 01:04:22.124
RIGHT AFTER HER SHOWER. SHE
WON\'T TOUCH A LIGHT SWITCH
01:04:22.125 --> 01:04:26.125
OR ANYTHING, JUST TO CUDDLE
WITH ME.
01:04:29.999 --> 01:04:34.876
(CRYING) I DON\'T WANT TO HURT
HER ANYMORE.
01:04:56.999 --> 01:05:00.998
THESE LAST TWO YEARS HAVE BEEN
VERY INTERESTING.
01:05:00.999 --> 01:05:02.998
I KNEW I HAD A GREAT DEAL
TO OFFER SOMEONE
01:05:02.999 --> 01:05:05.958
AND I WANTED TO SHARE THAT WITH
SOMEONE.
01:05:05.959 --> 01:05:10.583
SO I STARTED USING THE
TELEPHONE DATING SERVICES.
01:05:10.584 --> 01:05:15.374
SOMETIMES I WAS MEETING THREE
OR FOUR WOMEN A WEEK.
01:05:15.375 --> 01:05:18.374
I LEFT A MESSAGE IN HER MAILBOX
01:05:18.375 --> 01:05:20.999
AND SO SHE CALLED ME
AND WE TALKED.
01:05:21.000 --> 01:05:23.166
TALKED EVERY DAY ON
THE TELEPHONE.
01:05:23.167 --> 01:05:23.626
YEAH.
01:05:23.627 --> 01:05:27.626
FOR AN HOUR AT LEAST.
STILL DO,
01:05:28.542 --> 01:05:29.459
WHEN I\'M NOT HERE.
01:05:29.460 --> 01:05:34.834
ACTUALLY I DO MOST OF
THE TALKING SHE ADMITS.
01:05:35.792 --> 01:05:39.917
DID SHE HAVE TO LEARN TO NOT
ASSIST YOU WITH THE OC RITUALS
01:05:39.918 --> 01:05:43.166
BUT TO SAY, WAIT A SECOND,
THAT\'S OCD, BUDDY.
01:05:43.167 --> 01:05:44.666
WALK AWAY, FIGHT IT.
01:05:44.667 --> 01:05:46.875
THERE WAS A FEW TIMES WHEN
SHE SAID, I\'LL HELP YOU.
01:05:46.876 --> 01:05:52.500
NO, I SAID, NO. THIS IS - NO
I DO THIS MYSELF, YOU KNOW.
01:05:52.501 --> 01:05:53.459
THIS IS YOUR BATTLE.
01:05:53.460 --> 01:05:55.458
YEAH LIKE MY ZIPPER, FOR
EXAMPLE.
01:05:55.459 --> 01:05:56.666
SHE SAID JUST DO THE DAMN THING
UP.
01:05:56.667 --> 01:05:58.625
SHE SAID, IT\'S UP, YOU DON\'T
HAVE TO WORRY.
01:05:58.626 --> 01:05:59.998
I SAID, YOU SHOULDN\'T BE DOING
THAT.
01:05:59.999 --> 01:06:03.124
DON\'T DO THAT. NO, I HAVE TO DO
IT MYSELF.
01:06:03.125 --> 01:06:04.416
WHEN A WOMAN WANTS TO HELP
YOU WITH A ZIPPER,
01:06:04.417 --> 01:06:06.291
YOU SAY YES, MARVIN.
01:06:06.292 --> 01:06:08.666
(LAUGHTER) WHAT, PULLING IT UP
OR PULLING IT DOWN?
01:06:08.667 --> 01:06:11.876
I\'LL TAKE ANY WAY.
01:06:16.709 --> 01:06:23.791
I\'M NOT A VICTIM,
BUT I\'M A PERSON WITH OCD.
01:06:23.792 --> 01:06:26.583
BUT I\'M FEELING DEFINITELY
A LOT BETTER,
01:06:26.584 --> 01:06:28.500
FIRST OF ALL BECAUSE OF
MEDICATION,
01:06:28.501 --> 01:06:31.500
BECAUSE OF DOCTORS AND MOSTLY
BECAUSE OF ME, I\'D SAY.
01:06:31.501 --> 01:06:35.875
MY PARENTS, MY FAMILY, MY DOG,
MY SISTER.
01:06:35.876 --> 01:06:40.458
YOU SAID A GREAT THING THERE.
\"MOSTLY BECAUSE OF ME.\"
01:06:40.459 --> 01:06:43.708
YEAH.
HOW MUCH DOES THE YOU HAVE
IN THE FIGHT?
01:06:43.709 --> 01:06:46.998
IS IT THE MEDS AND THE THERAPY
OR IS IT YOU AND HOW MUCH-
01:06:46.999 --> 01:06:49.791
IT\'S ME.
WITH THE OCD THOUGH,
DID YOU JUST GET TO A POINT
01:06:49.792 --> 01:06:52.333
WHERE IT\'S LIKE THAT\'S IT,
ENOUGH ALREADY?
01:06:52.334 --> 01:06:53.998
YEAH.ENOUGH OF THIS SHIT.
I\'M GONNA STOP NOW.
01:06:53.999 --> 01:06:57.500
YEAH. WELL I JUST SAID LIKE
BULLSHIT, YOU KNOW,
01:06:57.501 --> 01:06:59.500
FUCK IT, YOU KNOW.
01:06:59.501 --> 01:07:01.999
HEY. I LIKE THAT.
01:07:02.667 --> 01:07:03.999
YEAH.
01:07:05.792 --> 01:07:09.998
I WENT TO TORONTO TO SEE
THE NEUROSURGEON
01:07:09.999 --> 01:07:11.291
AND HE WENT OVER THE CAT SCAN
01:07:11.292 --> 01:07:13.998
AND HE SHOWED ME EXACTLY WHERE
THE TUMOUR WAS.
01:07:13.999 --> 01:07:16.999
AND OF COURSE MY FIRST WORDS
WERE, IS IT MALIGNANT?
01:07:17.000 --> 01:07:20.875
AND THEN HE SAID, NO IT\'S NOT
CANCEROUS.
01:07:20.876 --> 01:07:25.000
SO WHEN I HEARD THAT I WAS
SO THRILLED.
01:07:25.792 --> 01:07:28.500
MY MEDICATION STARTED TO WORK.
01:07:28.501 --> 01:07:29.998
I\'M BACK TO ALMOST MY OLD SELF.
01:07:29.999 --> 01:07:33.958
SO IT\'S LIKE WORKING AT ABOUT
NINETY FIVE PERCENT NOW.
01:07:33.959 --> 01:07:35.998
NINETY FIVE PERCENT OF YOUR OCD
IS GONE?
01:07:35.999 --> 01:07:36.999
01:07:37.000 --> 01:07:38.416
THAT\'S FANTASTIC.
01:07:38.417 --> 01:07:40.541
01:07:40.542 --> 01:07:41.791
I\'M HAVING TOO MUCH FUN.
01:07:41.792 --> 01:07:43.416
WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN DOING?
01:07:43.417 --> 01:07:44.791
OH, LOTS OF THINGS.
IT\'S AMAZING
01:07:44.792 --> 01:07:48.998
WHEN YOU\'RE FEELING WELL
YOU ENJOY YOUR LIFE.
01:07:48.999 --> 01:07:51.875
I CAN WALK IN THE PARK NOW.
01:07:51.876 --> 01:07:54.667
I CAN GO NEAR KIDS.
01:07:54.999 --> 01:07:58.000
WHOO! YEAH! WHOO!
01:07:59.999 --> 01:08:01.792
THIS IS FUN!
01:08:02.542 --> 01:08:07.917
AND I SHOWER ONCE A DAY JUST
LIKE THE REST OF THE WORLD AND-
01:08:07.918 --> 01:08:10.998
THE LAUNDRY ROOM?
THE LAUNDRY ROOM IS A MESS
AND I REALLY DON\'T CARE.
01:08:10.999 --> 01:08:14.249
MY LAUNDRY GOES IN ONCE
AND COMES OUT.
01:08:14.250 --> 01:08:16.375
HIGHER! OH, THERE YOU GO!
01:08:18.626 --> 01:08:21.374
I\'M GOING AWAY TO SCHOOL AGAIN.
01:08:21.375 --> 01:08:22.375
STILL TAKING?
01:08:22.376 --> 01:08:23.998
01:08:23.999 --> 01:08:24.999
ALL RIGHT!
01:08:24.999 --> 01:08:25.999
YEAH.
