WEBVTT

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[sil.]

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And so for us every day is a very special
day. And our love for each other

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is better than ever before. And that\'s the
physical love as well as of respecting love.

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It\'s hard to see romance when you\'re
dealing with all the bodily function

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and all the care giving aspects. It does

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it\'s a wear and tear on that
aspect of your marriage.

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At this point to me it\'s,

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it\'s not like it was years ago it\'s not like
making love it\'s just simply having sex.

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It\'s my experience

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that virtually every couple faces
this challenge in their relationship.

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Not only with respect to sexuality but the overall fabric
of the relationship is tested because of this disease.

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And on one occasion and
this happened one time

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and I\'ve never really shared
that too much with anyone.

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He and this was one of the last intimate

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sexually intimate times we had.
We came in and he,

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he was very affectionate

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very aggressive to a certain extent.

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But, it was like you don\'t
really know who I am and it was

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a strange feeling because
it wasn\'t something

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that you could except with someone who\'s

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being intimate with you but
they don\'t know who you are,

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because I was trying to think how do you
express this and I\'ve always felt that

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a sexual intimacy is as much a
meeting of minds as a bodies

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and if one half of that is gone then it,

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it sort of destroys at all. We had a
very, very loving relationship and,

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and the way it deteriorated
is a hurtful thing,

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because in this instance
I was describing to you

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my husband finally reached the point where
it was obvious he didn\'t recognize me

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as belonging here and he wanted
me to hurry up and go you know.

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And I feel bad and embarrassed
that I even went along with it

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because I\'ve put my clothes
on and went out the back door

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and walk around the block and eventually came back
in the house then he said, where have you been?

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And he was seen then to recognize
the fact that I belong there.

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After that one incident with
your husband did he ever express

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any further sexual feelings again?
Very infrequently.

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Very infrequently. And till finally

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the point is now, excuse
me, Now he seems like

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that\'s not a part of our lives anymore.

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And how about for yourself to
have there been times when you

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or sexually interested toward him?
There have been

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but they come so infrequently

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and I feel as though I would be taking advantage
of someone. I have this feeling like,

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he doesn\'t know or he doesn\'t understand

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and I would be I just feel like

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I would be taking advantage of them.
And that in addition to the fact that

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I seem to move from wife to Mother,

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taking care of all needs and doing things.

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But, the relationship that we had before

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seems to go from the
front to the back burner

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to maybe off the stove.

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When you\'re taking care of a
person and, and watching over them

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and doing all the intimate things
for them it sort of takes away from

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the romantic aspect of,
of that relationship.

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[sil.]

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There are times when he to be affectionate.

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You\'ll walk up and we\'ll give them a kiss or they\'ll give
you a hug and then other times you\'ll kind of draw that

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and act like, you know, what do you doing? What
are you doing? But, it just depends on the moment

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you see the moment where you can reach in

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and touch and be a function if you take it.

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You know, and if you feel that it\'s
not then you have to let it go,

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regardless of how you might feel.

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And you have to learn not
to be rebuffed, you know,

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not to let to feelings
be hurt you\'ve got to.

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Have there to have a sort of an emotional shield
around you to deal with the things that come your way.

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If your relationship with
your spouse has diminished

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as far as a knowledgeable
friendship and… and

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emotional interaction then, I think

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it\'s important that you get that elsewhere.
So my friends

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and my family my children

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have become very important and I guess,

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they are really what keeps me going.
Are these things

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that you\'ve been able to discuss with others
particularly the changes in sexual intimacy?

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Not really. Not really.
Even in your support group?

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No, now I have to be fair I
haven\'t been to the support group

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for a while. But, on the occasions

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when I was there I don\'t recall
that that subject was touched upon.

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I wondered about it but I thought
maybe this is my problem only

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that no one else is having
it you know or you know.

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I can reassure you everybody\'s
going through these changes.

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Unfortunately, very few
people talk about it.

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Why do you think it\'s so difficult to
discuss this topic with professionals

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or other people for example
in support groups?

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One of the reasons is because of the age.
Someone in our age group,

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my husband 79, I am 72 you\'re
not supposed to know about sex

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or if you ever forgotten by now and
you haven\'t, you really haven\'t.

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And you need to know that

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to be able to deal with
what people are feeling.

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People respond, and when I say
people not just the patient

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but the care givers as well respond
to this disease every differently.

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There are individuals because
of the crises and the losses

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and the scary though so what this means for the
future than having an intimate relationship

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or having somebody you can hold and caress
and love will be even more important.

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And for some couples this, this is the case

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there are couples who will say
that somehow surprisingly,

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that that part relationship has become
even stronger because it helps them cope.

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I do think that…

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[sil.]

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Give me a second to think if you\'d like
to very a tender hearted little girl,

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that\'s easy for her cry and
I\'m a tender heart guy too.

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So, we try together occasionally. Sure.
As well as laugh together.

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Sure. (inaudible) that\'s kind of a tough question.
It\'s a very tough question. And I appreciate her

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coming up with an answer for that. And
if you don\'t mind material two we might

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have on here yeah finish up.
Now you feel about it.

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The question had to do with what is it like

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to have Alzheimer\'s disease?
Was is it like for you?

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It\'s very, very frustrating.

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In a word it\'s frustrating?

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Right.

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I am able

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to converse with people
I have lot of friend.

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Oh, that,

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that give me support

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and

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our kids have made some

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efforts to help

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me so Everett

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can be doing things. I think one of the things
that have really been hard for Betty is to,

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to see some of these things happening to her
to know what she used to be able to do.

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Like, she\'s, she\'s a wonderful
mother, wonderful wife,

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a great cook she would experimental
Alice uses as guinea pigs

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and never fail any of her specialties is she just
worked them out and they came up beautifully.

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And then all of a sudden to be
burning everything on the stove

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or to double the ingredients

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that were supposed to blend something I forget to
put something in there was supposed to be there

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these things began to happen then
to the melt a couple of tea kettles

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that kind of things. Then we realized that…
That takes, that takes knowledge Everett.

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The knowledge and talents
and you\'ve got both. Yeah.

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So then for her to suddenly realize that
she\'s not able to do those things anymore

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it has been difficult. (inaudible) on
your chair you have to walk around it.

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[sil.]

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Now put it all them by your chair.

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Okay. you have to move this over there?
No, Mine is going to be here. Yeah.

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This one goes over there. That\'s where you are going
to sit. This disease imposes a lot of stress upon you,

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I am wondering how that\'s
affected each of you?

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Well, I think it\'s, it\'s better

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now than

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it used to be. Because Everett

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shows much you know, concern

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and is a good support for me.

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Certainly our love for each other as Betty indicated,
I think it\'s stronger now there\'s ever been.

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Simply because from my vantage point
I realize how much I need her

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how much I depended on her in the
past, how much I love her now.

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And I want to do everything I can
to make life meaningful for her.

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And so for us every day is a very special
day. And our love for each other\'s

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better than ever before and that\'s a
physical love as well of respecting love.

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Right. (inaudible)

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Some couples facing Alzheimer\'s disease

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have told me about a
diminished sexual desire

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because of some of the daily
frustrations they face

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they just don\'t feel like they\'re
interested in that anymore.

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And there\'s a different focus
in their relationship.

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I\'m wondering what that experience has been for you.
Either a diminished desire some people report to me

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an increased desire? That\'s
what I feel about it.

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I think I don\'t know maybe if,

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May be I am greedy.

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Keep on being greedy, kid.

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What do you mean by that?

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Could you talk about this some, Betty?

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[sil.]

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You feel a greater closeness and a
desire for Everett than before?

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Yes! Well, I\'ve always
liked him pretty much.

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Okay how are these fold?
You want to do the T shits

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anyway you want to do this way,
or you want me to tell you?

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That\'s way to do it.

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Well, hope you tell me and not to him. You have
a better idea this all is your stuff. What?

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You have a better idea this all is your
stuff. This is mine. Is this? I hope so.

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I am in trouble for this.

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(inaudible).

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Doesn\'t quite fit me.

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I was going to say remember
you are into it, Everett?

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Did you wear that?

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I just want to see how you\'d react to it.
Oh… Everett jokes.

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I am so excited I can do it.

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Our relationship is so complete
and so committed to each other.

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And because again because of
our faith we feel God has

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put us together that we can give ourselves to
each other completely, just no reservation.

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We take more time for each other

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and we agree

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on being intimate.

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And it\'s

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really a joy.

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Thanks.

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Yeah, come

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on sniff it. you just sniff it. Not me, it.
No… I think the relationship is,

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is a lot more depth to it now also you
realize that it isn\'t going to go on forever

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as Betty alluded to that today

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is a great day and so we\'re
going to keep it great

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and we\'re going to make it as
great as we can make it today.

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And if we should have tomorrow or 100 tomorrows or 1000 tomorrows,
then we are going to make those just as meaningful too.

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Okay.

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Do I get to eat more than this? At least

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A chef always gets too middle.
And I have known

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for three years about the
fact that he had Alzheimer\'s.

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And I think one of the hardest
things was just first of all

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having to accept the fact and then having
to let the children know everything.

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Okay Ben take that out now(inaudible)

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both of us have mellowed more this
year than we had last two years

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we think the way I felt
even while a year ago,

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was that there were like living on a powder keg
you never knew if one of us was going to explode

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not necessarily just fab. But me too
and I think that his calm down.

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Ours relationship is good
but it\'s not the same

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and it never will be. No.
And never will be the same.

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I think we\'re closer and a lot of
ways in that first the first year

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we did an awful lot of talking

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we really didn\'t know anything about Alzheimer\'s. I mean,
and that was another thing that was laid on us you know,

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what is this? You know I didn\'t even know
how to spell it. You have to do that

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just the orange

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to surround the napkins to
I think need to go around.

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I guess I never really thought of myself
as a person that took care of my husband.

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I mean, yes if he had a bad
cold I give them something

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and say it\'s not that bad. But this is something
totally different or yes he is really sick

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and it\'s not going to be something where he is
going to get over it by giving him an aspirin

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and because he does look as good
as he does. It\'s hard to think

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that he really is sick so I think it comes
to the point where you do get angry

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at times it\'s very aggravating

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to tell him something and then
no you know ten minutes later

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maybe five minutes later that he\'s not
going to remember anything that I\'ve said,

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and then he\'ll ask me again the same thing. And I okay here we go
again. And I\'ve gotten better at it I think last couple of years

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or the first couple of years I know
my facial expressions gave me away

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I was like, I can\'t believe you\'re asking me this again. But
I think that have gotten better and I think we all have.

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Thank you

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And I think somebody I don\'t
remember who was it said you know,

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we are the ones that had to change Bob is now going to. I think
it was very hard for me I kept thinking you will remember

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you do this you\'re going to
remember while he\'s not going to.

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Many of the couples I\'ve spoken to do report
changes in the intimate aspect to the relationship

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due to the Alzheimer\'s
disease and I\'m wondering

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how that\'s been for each of you?

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Well I never good enough of it.
Did it ever change?

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It has changed I am sure.

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Due to the fact that my role is changed to

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I mean I think that it\'s hard to be the
lover and also the care giver. I love Bob

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and in many ways and we do show our
love in many ways but it\'s not

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necessarily the same wave
I can embed as often

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or really very little.

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And I don\'t know maybe a good
psychologists would have fun with me

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I\'ve also gone through the change of life in the last
two years too and I just put on medication for that.

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So I mean there\'s a lot of things
that are going on. But yeah,

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we do talk about it, it\'s not like
we don\'t. That\'s well said I think.

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We really have a very good time together. I mean,
where you it\'s not like we don\'t want to be together.

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So there\'s been a lot of emotional
upheaval that has affected your sex life

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but nonetheless you still enjoy
your relationship. Right.

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Other aspects of your relationship. Right.
Yes, that\'s right. For sure.

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But I think it\'s very hard to deal
with this a minute-to-minute basis

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and then think of Bob is make sex partner
because I\'m not thinking of sex.

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I\'m thinking more of

00:20:50.000 --> 00:20:54.999
what we have to do to get
together day run smoothly.

00:20:55.000 --> 00:20:59.999
What we have to do to make him feel good so there
is not by himself how is that going to work out.

00:21:00.000 --> 00:21:04.999
And maybe I should be seeking some kind of help
to be perfectly honest, I don\'t have time to.

00:21:05.000 --> 00:21:09.999
So, I am not and we\'ll deal with

00:21:10.000 --> 00:21:14.999
it the best way we can and I don\'t think
we\'re going to grow apart because of it.

00:21:15.000 --> 00:21:19.999
Well, I have this is a… oh boy.
You don\'t remember how old it is?

00:21:20.000 --> 00:21:24.999
Oh don\'t, don\'t, don\'t put that.

00:21:25.000 --> 00:21:29.999
That\'s too long.

00:21:30.000 --> 00:21:34.999
We got that for our wedding. So, if almost
46 years old and is still (inaudible).

00:21:35.000 --> 00:21:39.999
It\'s hard you\'re,

00:21:40.000 --> 00:21:44.999
you\'re really living with a different
person. I mean, he doesn\'t always know me.

00:21:45.000 --> 00:21:49.999
He knows he knows he doesn\'t always know
I\'m his wife. He knows that I\'m around

00:21:50.000 --> 00:21:54.999
and one time I think I mentioned
to you he… he said to me,

00:21:55.000 --> 00:21:59.999
Would you like to go out sometime? and I
thought he meant demand go to a movie?

00:22:00.000 --> 00:22:04.999
You know and I and we do this once and I said Sure Would
you like to go to a movie? He said, well, to a movie

00:22:05.000 --> 00:22:09.999
or go out for dinner whatever you\'d like.
And I thought okay

00:22:10.000 --> 00:22:14.999
do you know who I am and he said yeah you\'re
one of the people that take care of me.

00:22:15.000 --> 00:22:19.999
And I\'ve tie I\'m your wife. And
he said, well, you might be

00:22:20.000 --> 00:22:24.999
one of my wives but you\'re not my only
wife you know that\'s like oh gosh

00:22:25.000 --> 00:22:29.999
it\'s kind of a hurt. And so of
course it does change a little bit

00:22:30.000 --> 00:22:34.999
you know you have small
of a caretaking thing.

00:22:35.000 --> 00:22:39.999
It\'s, it\'s strange in that.

00:22:40.000 --> 00:22:44.999
Well, I\'m… I\'m just going to say
it this way, Mike had lost a job

00:22:45.000 --> 00:22:49.999
and he was very down about this.
And it really affected

00:22:50.000 --> 00:22:54.999
his self-esteem I know. And following that

00:22:55.000 --> 00:22:59.999
he lost all desire for sex,

00:23:00.000 --> 00:23:04.999
and it seemed like he would attempt to
have sex and Just he had no success.

00:23:05.000 --> 00:23:09.999
And we went for a period actually of seven years
without having any sexual relations at all.

00:23:10.000 --> 00:23:14.999
And this was before I noticed
any problems at all.

00:23:15.000 --> 00:23:19.999
And then the, the really strange part to me

00:23:20.000 --> 00:23:24.999
is I think probably within a month
we had been on a vacation in Florida

00:23:25.000 --> 00:23:29.999
in April in our in March and he started
to show a little interest in sex

00:23:30.000 --> 00:23:34.999
and we had sex again And it
was like Oh isn\'t this great

00:23:35.000 --> 00:23:39.999
you know this is starting? And it was like the
next month that I first noticed the problem

00:23:40.000 --> 00:23:44.999
with the memory loss.
And it seems that it\'s,

00:23:45.000 --> 00:23:49.999
it\'s progressed almost at the same rate you know,
in opposite directions as the… the memory loss

00:23:50.000 --> 00:23:54.999
got worse the sexual desire and grief.
Your sexual interests reactivated

00:23:55.000 --> 00:23:59.999
right at the same time that Alzheimer\'s disease
symptoms became apparent today to you?

00:24:00.000 --> 00:24:04.999
Right. So during that, that seven-year
time when you weren\'t sexually active

00:24:05.000 --> 00:24:09.999
you had accommodated yourself to that
both of had adjusted to that. Right,

00:24:10.000 --> 00:24:14.999
and I just That\'s the reason this isn\'t something I don\'t
talk to my friends even my very good friends about

00:24:15.000 --> 00:24:19.999
how many times a week do you have sex? They don\'t ask me
that and of course I don\'t talk to my children about this.

00:24:20.000 --> 00:24:24.999
And so for all I knew well
maybe this was normal

00:24:25.000 --> 00:24:29.999
to stop at this age and the sort of thing

00:24:30.000 --> 00:24:34.999
and I just accepted it,
Just fine except it.

00:24:35.000 --> 00:24:39.999
And then I thought I… I… there
was no point in pushing that.

00:24:40.000 --> 00:24:44.999
Now you say that through the years, though
Mike it\'s become more active. Right.

00:24:45.000 --> 00:24:49.999
Can you say a little bit of more about the
nature of that prescribed… Right, In the last…

00:24:50.000 --> 00:24:54.999
I\'d say probably in the
last year, he\'s become

00:24:55.000 --> 00:24:59.999
very aggressive sexually I mean
when I say aggressive I don\'t mean

00:25:00.000 --> 00:25:04.999
physically aggressive but I mean he\'s…
he\'s just asking for a sex a lot more.

00:25:05.000 --> 00:25:09.999
And if this point my body has changed

00:25:10.000 --> 00:25:14.999
at all so I cannot accommodate this as
much as… as probably he would like.

00:25:15.000 --> 00:25:19.999
And it\'s just we\'ve tried
to talk about this

00:25:20.000 --> 00:25:24.999
and say, well, look how about if we say two or
three times a week and go along with it, okay?

00:25:25.000 --> 00:25:29.999
And he\'ll say Yeah that\'s fine, that\'s fine and he said,
if I asked you and you don\'t want to just tell me,

00:25:30.000 --> 00:25:34.999
no you don\'t want to. But of course a half hour
after he said that he\'s forgotten that he said it.

00:25:35.000 --> 00:25:39.999
When I got it, probably
it was just like a bolt.

00:25:40.000 --> 00:25:44.999
Like a bolt? Yeah. The memory problem?
Yeah, Just like

00:25:45.000 --> 00:25:49.999
just came out of nowhere

00:25:50.000 --> 00:25:54.999
but it\'s but I gotten to the point where

00:25:55.000 --> 00:25:59.999
I just talk to myself and said okay

00:26:00.000 --> 00:26:04.999
I can do it I\'ll do whatever I can

00:26:05.000 --> 00:26:09.999
doing without this kind of… Without
the memory you do whatever you can?

00:26:10.000 --> 00:26:14.999
That\'s right. Who helps you is
there somebody or around that,

00:26:15.000 --> 00:26:19.999
that helped you love. My wife.
Your wife, May? Oh yeah.

00:26:20.000 --> 00:26:24.999
Well, she is top notch I tell you. I don\'t know what
the heck I would have done up to what I\'ve done

00:26:25.000 --> 00:26:29.999
what I\'ve been able to do if,

00:26:30.000 --> 00:26:34.999
if I didn\'t have her. Mike,
can you tell me about

00:26:35.000 --> 00:26:39.999
your sexual relationship has that
changed as you\'ve gotten older?

00:26:40.000 --> 00:26:44.999
Oh, I don\'t think so.

00:26:45.000 --> 00:26:49.999
When I say, I don\'t think so I am

00:26:50.000 --> 00:26:54.999
in that

00:26:55.000 --> 00:26:59.999
because all of us get older but,
we don\'t have any problems at all.

00:27:00.000 --> 00:27:04.999
We, we can go today

00:27:05.000 --> 00:27:09.999
and not go for ten days if we don\'t want
to. And they don\'t have any problem

00:27:10.000 --> 00:27:14.999
with that because if there\'s
something that we need

00:27:15.000 --> 00:27:19.999
we just talk them on. Right. So,
you\'re still sexually active?

00:27:20.000 --> 00:27:24.999
Sure, and It\'s not… I don\'t think that

00:27:25.000 --> 00:27:29.999
either one of us probably is concerned

00:27:30.000 --> 00:27:34.999
as much as we did used to 30-40 years ago.

00:27:35.000 --> 00:27:39.999
Some periods he\'s much more
interested than others

00:27:40.000 --> 00:27:44.999
other times will go along and two or three times a
week is fine. But, sometimes he\'ll be asking like,

00:27:45.000 --> 00:27:49.999
three times a day. You know, and it\'s
about makes for a very tense situation

00:27:50.000 --> 00:27:54.999
and I don\'t like to argue
with them and but,

00:27:55.000 --> 00:27:59.999
when I refuse sometimes when he can get
(inaudible) undergoes often sits by himself

00:28:00.000 --> 00:28:04.999
and kind of broods a little bit and, well, I can\'t do
anything and the sort of thing. And then I feel so guilty

00:28:05.000 --> 00:28:09.999
because I feel there are so few things

00:28:10.000 --> 00:28:14.999
that really gave him pleasure and I hate
to deny him that. But, I\'ve got to be real

00:28:15.000 --> 00:28:19.999
This experience of hyper-sexuality
is it\'s not so uncommon

00:28:20.000 --> 00:28:24.999
that it does occur sometimes it goes
on for a period of months or years

00:28:25.000 --> 00:28:29.999
but it can develop into a chronic problem.

00:28:30.000 --> 00:28:34.999
And most commonly though, I think couples
experience a diminished interest

00:28:35.000 --> 00:28:39.999
the person with Alzheimer\'s disease loses
interests and also the spouse interests

00:28:40.000 --> 00:28:44.999
because of the changing nature of
their relationship the sense that

00:28:45.000 --> 00:28:49.999
your partner has become like a stranger
and you\'ve talked about that so.

00:28:50.000 --> 00:28:54.999
But you\'ve been able to keep
intact that special bond

00:28:55.000 --> 00:28:59.999
you shared throughout your married life.
And that seems like that\'s enabled you to

00:29:00.000 --> 00:29:04.999
continue to participate. But at this
point to me it\'s, it\'s not like

00:29:05.000 --> 00:29:09.999
it was years ago it\'s not like making
love it\'s just simply having sex.

00:29:10.000 --> 00:29:14.999
For you? That\'s yes. That\'s, that\'s
what it\'s come to now came to me.

00:29:15.000 --> 00:29:19.999
Rather mechanical. Really,
Yes we just get to it

00:29:20.000 --> 00:29:24.999
and have sex in a very short order. Have you notice
your own sexual interests decreasing overtime?

00:29:25.000 --> 00:29:29.999
Ah… Yes really

00:29:30.000 --> 00:29:34.999
I don\'t know it\'s just whether
it\'s just unconscious on my part

00:29:35.000 --> 00:29:39.999
because of it the change in him it\'s, it\'s
kind of not as if he\'s the same person.

00:29:40.000 --> 00:29:44.999
And I guess the feeling that

00:29:45.000 --> 00:29:49.999
I don\'t think he always knows it\'s even me. In fact, one time when I
refuse he said, well if you don\'t want to could you find somebody for me.

00:29:50.000 --> 00:29:54.999
And I mean, it\'s like, oh that doesn\'t
make you feel very good either you

00:29:55.000 --> 00:29:59.999
know what\'s but he\'s not really interested in
you and you know what\'s he wants to just do it.

00:30:00.000 --> 00:30:04.999
Mmm… hmm… Have you have you
ever thought of just stopping

00:30:05.000 --> 00:30:09.999
this altogether and just
saying, no absolutely no more.

00:30:10.000 --> 00:30:14.999
No I really haven\'t thought
about it I don\'t think that

00:30:15.000 --> 00:30:19.999
it\'s not that hard for me to help him and

00:30:20.000 --> 00:30:24.999
as I said before I think there are so few things of it you know but,
That giving him pleasure I just don\'t think that would be fair to him.

00:30:25.000 --> 00:30:29.999
I still love mike. I mean, it\'s,

00:30:30.000 --> 00:30:35.000
it\'s just changing.

00:31:30.000 --> 00:31:38.000
[sil.]