WEBVTT

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- My father was never talkative,

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so I really never knew knew him as a person.

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And my mother, she would talk,

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but then it never seemed to sink into me.

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And, I guess she didn\'t do a good enough job.

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- [Debbie] Well who were you closer to,

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your mother or your father?

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- Closer to my mother and my father?

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- [Debbie] Which one were you closer to?

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- I think I was closer to my mother.

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- [Debbie] Yeah.

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That usually happens, yeah.

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- [Doris] Were you close to your parents?

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- [Debbie] I was closer to my mother.

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- [Doris] You were?

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- [Debbie] You know who my mother was?

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You.

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- I was your mother?

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- [Debbie] Yes.

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- You mean your mother liked me

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and decided I should be something.

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- [Debbie] You are my mother.

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- How can I really be your mother then?

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- [Debbie] You are, I don\'t know.

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- I don\'t know.

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Something went wrong.

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Well, we did something peculiar to say the least.

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- [Debbie] Well, I think something went right.

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That\'s how...

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- Oh, that\'s how it reversed?

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- All along the way there were certain milestones.

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The first time that she said to me,

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\"How exactly are we related?\"

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Or, the first time that she asked me

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if I had any siblings or if I had ever been to New York,

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where I was born, or if I had ever met Banesh, my father.

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There was the first time she asked

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if we had gone to elementary school together,

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and little by little you adjust what shocks you.

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- No, that\'s all right.

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I don\'t have the hearing aid in.

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- No.

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- Yeah, that\'s where you get your,

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what do you call \'em, little knots?

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- Little knots,

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yes a little tangled. - Yes, that\'s it.

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- When my mother was about 70

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she began to have, what everyone called,

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problems with her memory, but it was...

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It was the type of thing that I have,

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for whatever that\'s worth,

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but it\'s the type of thing a lot of people have.

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She got kind of repetitive,

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and then she got more repetitive,

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and while my father was alive,

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he very much was a buffer.

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He covered for her,

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and I guess the first indication

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that this was maybe a little more than just

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getting a little forgetful was when my father died,

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and she managed to call and tell me that he had died.

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I flew home, I flew back to New York,

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and when I got there she didn\'t know where the body was.

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She had had no idea what had happened to the body,

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and in fact then over the next few days

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she had no idea that he had died,

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and she kept asking where he was

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which was disconcerting to have to keep saying,

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\"Well, he died yesterday.\"

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(gentle music)

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- [Doris] Things have not been easy for him lately either.

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- [Debbie] How is that?

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- I\'m not sure if he\'s healthy or not.

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No, I think his health...

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It could be a short life.

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- Well, you know, Banesh died about five years ago.

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- Yeah, I know, but he told us.

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Wasn\'t that it?

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- No, we knew.

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You were there when it happened.

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- Oh, and he\'s been gone of course since then?

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- Yeah.

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- Yes, I realized it.

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And, it was in a muddled stage for each of us.

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You know, we each had a relationship with Banesh,

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and then he was gone and he was a different person.

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We knew he\'d died, and it just never came back again.

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It couldn\'t. - Right.

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- So, it wasn\'t easy,

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and you don\'t just change people.

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They\'re gone.

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(emotional music)

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- [Debbie] Even though she can be

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profoundly confused on some levels,

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at the same time she can function amazingly well,

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and what she wanted at that point was to move

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back to California, which is where she grew up,

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and that began my role as the overseer of her life.

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- Debbie?

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- [Debbie] Yes.

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- You\'re here.

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- She\'s taking a picture of both of us.

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- Just now we\'re gonna get it.

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So, look at Frances.

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- [Frances] Okay, I got it.

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- I should have a key.

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Everything is missing.

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- Once she noticed she had a problem with her memory

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she would compensate.

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She would write everything down.

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She would have notes to remind herself of things,

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and I think the first time that notes

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really became a problem and no longer just a useful aid

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was what I later started to call the Dentist Period.

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And, the Dentist Period actually began

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because she had something wrong with a tooth of hers,

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and she began to write notes to herself

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because she was afraid

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that she was gonna miss the appointment.

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And, the notes piled up

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and became a complete and utter obsession.

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And, while this was the topic,

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while the tooth was the topic, it was the only topic.

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It was the only thing that was talked about

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for weeks on end,

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but eventually she made the appointment,

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her tooth was taken care of, and yet rather than that

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ending this period, in fact, everything escalated,

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and she began going to the dentist

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for no reason whatsoever every day.

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So, every morning I would call her,

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and I would plead with her over the phone.

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I would say, \"You don\'t have to go to the dentist today.

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\"You don\'t have to do anything today.

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\"Don\'t go anywhere.

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\"Stay home.\"

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And, I would just be pleading.

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And, she would seem to understand.

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She would say, \"Oh, you\'re right.

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\"Okay, I don\'t have an appointment today.

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\"I\'ll stay home,\" and I would hang up,

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and I would be so proud of myself and so grateful

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and think, \"Aha, I\'ve done it.\"

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And, literally half an hour later,

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the dentist would call and tell me that she was there.

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And, then her hearing aid broke.

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This was still at a point where I hadn\'t understood

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that notes were the enemy, and so I bought into it.

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I wrote her notes.

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But, she copied my note over,

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so then we had a pile of hearing aid notes,

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and along with all the hearing aid notes

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somehow my phone number started to appear.

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(phone ringing)

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- [Doris] Debbie, this is your mother,

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and I wondered what the latest was

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on the hearing aid situation.

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Let me know when you have time, thanks.

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- [Voicemail] Monday, 10:30am.

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- [Doris] Debbie, I\'m your mother,

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and I think that the hearing aid has improved.

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Do you know?

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- [Voicemail] Monday 10:35am.

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- [Doris] I\'m Doris Hoffman, Debbie Hoffman\'s mother,

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and I want to get some information

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on hearing aid batteries, thank you.

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- [Voicemail] Monday, 10:46am.

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- [Doris] I\'m Debbie, your daughter,

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and I wanted to know about the hearing aid.

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Are you there?

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- [Voicemail] Monday, 11:02am.

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- [Doris] Debbie, you were talking to me,

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but I wanted to find out if there\'s any news

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about the hearing aids.

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Did you follow or did you hang up?

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Bye bye.

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- [Voicemail] Monday, 11:30am.

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(watch ticking)

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- If I was home, and I picked up the phone,

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and I tried to explain, \"Your hearing aid is being repaired.

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\"Go find the note that I left you,\"

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well, there couldn\'t be anything more disastrous

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than that to say on some many levels

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because first of all that meant she left the phone,

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so there I am on the phone,

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and I\'ve just sent her off into her apartment.

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She\'s not gonna remember what she\'s looking for.

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I\'m there screaming into the empty phone,

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\"No, no, come back, come back!\"

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(dial tone beeping)

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- [Doris] Well Debbie,

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I\'ve been waiting outside of my apartment.

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I hope everything\'s going well.

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Call me back.

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I\'ll be outside my apartment.

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Thank you.

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(playful music)

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- There was the Lorna Doone Period

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where she kept boxes of Lorna Doones

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hidden throughout her apartment.

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There was a Podiatrist Period,

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very similar to the Dentist Period.

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There was the Ticket Period where if she had a ticket stub

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to a show she\'d already seen,

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she would take that ticket stub

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and repeatedly try to see the show again.

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There was the Social Security Period

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where she became convinced every month

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that she hadn\'t received her check,

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and she wrote elaborate letters all over the country

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to try and get her check.

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There was a Banana Period where she would eat

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dozens upon dozens of bananas,

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having no recollection she\'d just eaten one.

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Her life was out of control.

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My life was out of control.

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It was really getting harder and harder for me

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to have my life.

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More and more my days were just spent

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trying to contain the situation.

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I mean, first of all I was so hysterical about the notes

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that I would arrive at her apartment

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armed with white out, and I would go to the calendar

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and white out anything she had written.

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And, after a while you have to wonder

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who\'s crazy, her or me?

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I was always so busy with the minutia

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of, \"You don\'t have to go to the dentist today,\"

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or, \"Your check came yesterday,\"

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that I managed to never really step back

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and look at the big picture and think,

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\"Well, what is really wrong with her?\"

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And, finally we did take her to have a medical evaluation,

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and I sauntered in and said,

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\"Well I know that she\'s had a series of small strokes\"

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because that\'s the diagnosis I want,

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that\'s the one she\'s had.

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They humored me and said, \"Well, we\'ll decide what she has.\"

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And, they said, \"No, she has not had strokes.

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\"She\'s not a stroke candidate.

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\"She\'s not someone who will probably ever have strokes,

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\"and she has Alzheimer\'s.\"

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(emotional music)

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Getting the diagnosis was an incredible blow.

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By this time Alzheimer\'s was a popular disease.

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I had heard a lot about it,

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and I had heard the grimmest and most depressing things

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of people lying in fetal position,

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just unable to talk and feed themselves.

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Of course, she was nothing like that,

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but suddenly it dawned on me,

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I guess that\'s where we\'re headed.

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(phone rings)

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- [Doris] Hello?

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- [Debbie] Hi, it\'s Debbie.

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- [Doris] Hi Debbie, how are you?

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- [Debbie] Fine, how are you?

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- [Doris] Fine.

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I don\'t know why we don\'t get together more often,

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but we don\'t seem to.

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- [Debbie] Well, we got together last night.

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- [Doris] Oh heavens, what did I do last night?

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- [Debbie] Last night we all had dinner together.

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- [Doris] Oh yes.

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Oh, I\'m a disgrace.

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That\'d be awful if we all failed the course.

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Do they give grades now in school, in college?

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- [Debbie] Well, we\'re not in college,

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so we don\'t have to worry about it.

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- [Doris] Oh, we don\'t do anything then anymore.

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You don\'t get college grades.

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- [Debbie] No, we don\'t have to do that anymore.

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- [Doris] Oh, what do you do?

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Do you do just passing or what?

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- [Debbie] Well, we\'re not in college,

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so we don\'t have to worry about any grades.

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- [Doris] Oh, so it\'s whatever the university

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decides that we\'ll talk about.

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I guess.

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I don\'t know what else they\'d do.

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- My mother went to the University of California.

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She got a graduate degree

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from Columbia School of Social Work.

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I think you could say that my mother

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was an intellectual snob who,

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even when she lived in California,

00:16:57.440 --> 00:17:00.230
she would not read the Chronicle because it was beneath her.

00:17:00.230 --> 00:17:02.410
Only the New York Times was good enough to read.

00:17:02.410 --> 00:17:07.347
And, I arrived at her house one day in the afternoon.

00:17:07.347 --> 00:17:12.347
The TV was on, and it was the Ed McMahon Variety Show

00:17:14.349 --> 00:17:19.349
with a child in a gold lame outfit tap dancing.

00:17:21.430 --> 00:17:24.780
Now, this is not my image of my mother,

00:17:24.780 --> 00:17:26.400
and she was not only watching this,

00:17:26.400 --> 00:17:29.760
but she was gleefully, euphorically watching this

00:17:29.760 --> 00:17:33.775
and laughing, and I was very upset.

00:17:33.775 --> 00:17:35.320
This is not my mother.

00:17:35.320 --> 00:17:37.092
This is beneath her.

00:17:37.092 --> 00:17:39.759
(playful music)

00:17:45.260 --> 00:17:48.373
- The times seem to run a little differently.

00:17:49.770 --> 00:17:53.560
How old were we when we got into...

00:17:55.620 --> 00:18:00.620
Not light hood, medium sized age?

00:18:01.630 --> 00:18:04.143
- [Debbie] Well, I guess I\'m in medium size age

00:18:04.143 --> 00:18:05.987
\'cause I\'m 45.

00:18:05.987 --> 00:18:07.500
- You\'re 45?

00:18:07.500 --> 00:18:08.730
- [Debbie] That\'s medium.

00:18:08.730 --> 00:18:13.431
- Yeah, and I must be near 50 then.

00:18:13.431 --> 00:18:15.340
- Older than that.

00:18:15.340 --> 00:18:16.203
- Is it really?

00:18:17.400 --> 00:18:19.260
- 50-something then.

00:18:19.260 --> 00:18:20.093
60?

00:18:20.093 --> 00:18:22.320
- You know how old you are?

00:18:22.320 --> 00:18:24.020
84.

00:18:24.020 --> 00:18:24.853
- I\'m 84.

00:18:26.342 --> 00:18:28.176
I haven\'t thought of that, Debbie.

00:18:28.176 --> 00:18:30.890
I haven\'t thought of my age in years.

00:18:30.890 --> 00:18:31.723
- Oh, that\'s good.

00:18:31.723 --> 00:18:32.620
There\'s no reason to.

00:18:33.818 --> 00:18:36.651
(emotional music)

00:18:40.790 --> 00:18:43.010
The first to go was the immediate memories,

00:18:43.010 --> 00:18:44.970
the really short term memory,

00:18:44.970 --> 00:18:48.450
but she could remember a couple of years ago maybe,

00:18:48.450 --> 00:18:50.090
and then that started to go.

00:18:50.090 --> 00:18:53.950
Essentially, the part of your life that you remember

00:18:53.950 --> 00:18:56.643
is further and further and further back.

00:18:59.082 --> 00:19:02.190
- [Doris] I don\'t think I know many people left from,

00:19:02.190 --> 00:19:03.923
where did we start with?

00:19:05.514 --> 00:19:08.997
- [Debbie] Well, you started in San Francisco.

00:19:08.997 --> 00:19:10.677
- Yeah, I guess I did.

00:19:10.677 --> 00:19:13.577
- [Debbie] And, then you went to New York for a long time.

00:19:15.220 --> 00:19:17.630
- Was I with somebody in New York?

00:19:17.630 --> 00:19:19.900
- [Debbie] You met Banesh, and you lived with Banesh

00:19:19.900 --> 00:19:22.140
for almost 50 years.

00:19:22.140 --> 00:19:24.310
- You mean, working with Banesh or what?

00:19:24.310 --> 00:19:27.610
- [Debbie] Yeah, you worked with him and lived with him.

00:19:27.610 --> 00:19:29.073
- I didn\'t realize that.

00:19:30.127 --> 00:19:33.360
(emotional music)

00:19:33.360 --> 00:19:38.184
- Little by little, the only real remaining memories

00:19:38.184 --> 00:19:42.863
are childhood and very early adulthood,

00:19:44.090 --> 00:19:48.620
and she remembers her parents fairly well,

00:19:48.620 --> 00:19:51.090
but what I always thought of as her life,

00:19:51.090 --> 00:19:56.090
what I knew to be her life which was me and my brother

00:19:56.650 --> 00:20:01.080
and my father and the 50 plus years

00:20:01.080 --> 00:20:05.900
that she lived in New York, that\'s mostly disappeared,

00:20:05.900 --> 00:20:10.040
or that\'s just become a puff that has occasionally

00:20:10.040 --> 00:20:14.450
some substance to it.

00:20:14.450 --> 00:20:19.203
Mostly it\'s a blur which was a little hard for me to take.

00:20:26.460 --> 00:20:29.260
- [Doris] But, of course, I would always know you

00:20:29.260 --> 00:20:31.720
because I\'ve known you since you were little.

00:20:31.720 --> 00:20:34.260
- [Debbie] You knew me when I was born.

00:20:34.260 --> 00:20:35.886
- Were you really?

00:20:35.886 --> 00:20:39.180
I was across the street or something?

00:20:39.180 --> 00:20:42.360
Where were you born, what street?

00:20:42.360 --> 00:20:45.770
- [Debbie] 169th Street in Flushing.

00:20:45.770 --> 00:20:48.560
- [Doris] Oh, well that\'s where all of us lived.

00:20:48.560 --> 00:20:49.690
- [Debbie] Right.

00:20:49.690 --> 00:20:51.310
- 169th Street.

00:20:51.310 --> 00:20:56.310
Yeah, so I knew you, I knew Frances, I knew...

00:20:58.966 --> 00:21:00.466
Now wait a minute.

00:21:11.598 --> 00:21:12.765
Wait a minute.

00:21:14.100 --> 00:21:16.583
Well, what did I do in-between then?

00:21:17.496 --> 00:21:20.329
(emotional music)

00:21:33.670 --> 00:21:37.110
- She seemed to be at times, at periods,

00:21:37.110 --> 00:21:40.060
so suffering herself from the confusion,

00:21:40.060 --> 00:21:41.690
and from the feeling stupid,

00:21:41.690 --> 00:21:46.493
and from the feeling shamed and incompetent.

00:21:48.960 --> 00:21:53.230
- [Doris] Debbie darling, I am your stupid mother.

00:21:53.230 --> 00:21:56.120
I got everything mixed up.

00:21:56.120 --> 00:22:00.827
I didn\'t do anything I wanted to do or didn\'t do,

00:22:02.340 --> 00:22:07.210
and we didn\'t have a lovely outing and all sorts of things

00:22:07.210 --> 00:22:10.920
because I can\'t remember from one minute to the next

00:22:10.920 --> 00:22:12.723
what I do and don\'t do.

00:22:13.735 --> 00:22:16.568
(emotional music)

00:22:21.080 --> 00:22:26.080
- I really loved my mother when I was growing up.

00:22:27.730 --> 00:22:31.190
I felt very very loved by her,

00:22:31.190 --> 00:22:36.190
but with the Alzheimer\'s there were times

00:22:36.330 --> 00:22:38.963
that she was very hostile.

00:22:44.247 --> 00:22:46.650
There were times she was very hostile to me,

00:22:46.650 --> 00:22:48.280
sometimes in particular to me

00:22:48.280 --> 00:22:49.900
because I was the person there the most.

00:22:49.900 --> 00:22:52.880
I was the person trying to keep the lid on her,

00:22:52.880 --> 00:22:56.690
trying to keep order which was so frustrating

00:22:56.690 --> 00:22:59.230
and aggravating to her that she would really turn on me

00:22:59.230 --> 00:23:04.230
and see me as the enemy which was really painful.

00:23:29.170 --> 00:23:33.170
For the longest time, I still insisted on truth,

00:23:34.260 --> 00:23:39.260
reality being important, so she would say it was April

00:23:40.140 --> 00:23:45.140
when it was May, and I would say, \"Oh no, it\'s May,\"

00:23:46.670 --> 00:23:51.670
and finally it dawned on me I have to be out of my mind.

00:23:52.080 --> 00:23:54.910
I mean, what does it matter?

00:23:54.910 --> 00:23:57.630
First of all she\'ll say, \"Oh, it\'s May.\"

00:23:57.630 --> 00:23:59.000
And, the next minute she won\'t remember

00:23:59.000 --> 00:24:01.080
that it\'s May anyhow, and second of all

00:24:01.080 --> 00:24:04.203
what does it matter if she thinks it\'s April?

00:24:05.530 --> 00:24:08.850
If she was really convinced that we

00:24:08.850 --> 00:24:12.140
were in the sorority together at UC

00:24:13.242 --> 00:24:15.670
or we were in elementary school together,

00:24:15.670 --> 00:24:19.430
at a certain point I realized why not?

00:24:19.430 --> 00:24:21.537
Why not say, \"Well, actually no,

00:24:21.537 --> 00:24:24.040
\"I haven\'t seen any of the AEPhi girls lately,\"

00:24:24.040 --> 00:24:25.817
as opposed to saying, \"Well, no, no,

00:24:25.817 --> 00:24:27.847
\"I didn\'t go to UC when you did

00:24:27.847 --> 00:24:28.877
\"because I\'m your daughter

00:24:28.877 --> 00:24:31.098
\"and you\'re that much older than me.\"

00:24:31.098 --> 00:24:36.098
It was a liberating moment for me when I could just say,

00:24:36.601 --> 00:24:39.867
\"No, I haven\'t seen anybody from AEPhi, have you?\"

00:24:40.790 --> 00:24:45.340
It was light and fun, and then we were in the moment,

00:24:45.340 --> 00:24:47.370
and the moment was we were two old friends

00:24:47.370 --> 00:24:52.370
trying to reminisce, and the content didn\'t matter.

00:24:52.660 --> 00:24:54.423
It was the feeling.

00:24:55.300 --> 00:24:59.680
- You\'re gonna be here and Frances and me.

00:24:59.680 --> 00:25:00.650
Who else?

00:25:00.650 --> 00:25:01.483
- That\'s it.

00:25:01.483 --> 00:25:02.660
- That\'s it?

00:25:02.660 --> 00:25:04.418
And, we\'re all gonna be here?

00:25:04.418 --> 00:25:06.920
So, it should be lovely.

00:25:06.920 --> 00:25:07.753
- Good.

00:25:07.753 --> 00:25:08.830
- I don\'t know what it is.

00:25:08.830 --> 00:25:10.940
(both laugh)

00:25:10.940 --> 00:25:12.297
- I don\'t either.

00:25:15.775 --> 00:25:17.180
- [Frances] Here, you take a picture

00:25:17.180 --> 00:25:18.480
of Debbie and me together.

00:25:19.910 --> 00:25:21.140
There you go.

00:25:21.140 --> 00:25:23.933
- Okay, you just hold it and point it at us.

00:25:25.981 --> 00:25:28.214
- Alright, do you see us?

00:25:28.214 --> 00:25:31.943
- [Doris] Yes, I see Debbie and I see Frances.

00:25:31.943 --> 00:25:34.026
(laughs)

00:25:35.809 --> 00:25:37.860
Oh, it says something I can\'t read.

00:25:37.860 --> 00:25:39.358
(laughs)

00:25:39.358 --> 00:25:40.612
Frances? Yes?

00:25:40.612 --> 00:25:42.695
(laughs)

00:25:51.540 --> 00:25:53.329
- [Debbie] Good.

00:25:53.329 --> 00:25:54.609
- [Frances] Now nobody can ever say,

00:25:54.609 --> 00:25:56.398
you didn\'t take a picture.

00:25:56.398 --> 00:25:57.412
- Yes, that\'s right.

00:25:57.412 --> 00:25:59.059
(laughs)

00:25:59.059 --> 00:25:59.892
- [Debbie] What does it say?

00:25:59.892 --> 00:26:04.749
For many years before she was ill and I was gay,

00:26:08.379 --> 00:26:10.839
this was something that was upsetting to her.

00:26:10.839 --> 00:26:14.799
And she worked on this and she became more tolerant and...

00:26:15.859 --> 00:26:17.969
But she was- it was never something she,

00:26:17.969 --> 00:26:20.022
I would call, comfortable with.

00:26:20.999 --> 00:26:25.609
But once she started to have this disease,

00:26:25.609 --> 00:26:26.799
she was down to basics.

00:26:26.799 --> 00:26:30.802
And the basics were, I had a friend, Frances.

00:26:31.679 --> 00:26:34.449
This person was very nice to me.

00:26:34.449 --> 00:26:36.369
This person made me happy.

00:26:36.369 --> 00:26:37.849
That was a good thing.

00:26:37.849 --> 00:26:40.019
This person was very nice to her.

00:26:40.019 --> 00:26:41.189
Made her happy.

00:26:41.189 --> 00:26:42.719
That was a good thing.

00:26:42.719 --> 00:26:44.779
It was just very simple, oh.

00:26:44.779 --> 00:26:47.537
- And your friend, Frances, here.

00:26:47.537 --> 00:26:49.889
She\'s being very careful.

00:26:49.889 --> 00:26:51.849
- [Debbie] Yeah. (laughs) Yeah, she is.

00:26:51.849 --> 00:26:52.969
She\'s being careful.

00:26:52.969 --> 00:26:55.104
- Nevertheless, we all love her dearly.

00:26:55.104 --> 00:26:57.493
(laughs) That\'s true.

00:26:57.493 --> 00:26:58.326
- [Debbie] Uh-huh.

00:26:58.326 --> 00:27:00.042
- You know it and I know it.

00:27:00.042 --> 00:27:00.875
And Frances knows it.

00:27:01.744 --> 00:27:03.120
- [Frances] Mm-hmm.

00:27:03.120 --> 00:27:06.120
(light piano music)

00:27:08.712 --> 00:27:10.959
(sweeping violin music)

00:27:10.959 --> 00:27:13.609
- [Debbie] My mother has always been

00:27:13.609 --> 00:27:18.352
a very independent, strong-willed, kind of a loner, type.

00:27:21.889 --> 00:27:24.589
In my mind, her independence

00:27:24.589 --> 00:27:29.112
was more important than protecting her all the time.

00:27:33.447 --> 00:27:35.489
(horns honk)

00:27:35.489 --> 00:27:38.489
(gentle jazz music)

00:27:42.076 --> 00:27:44.752
(siren wailing)

00:27:44.752 --> 00:27:47.839
More and more things that could

00:27:47.839 --> 00:27:50.672
lead to catastrophe were happening.

00:27:52.919 --> 00:27:54.139
Hi, it\'s Debbie.

00:27:54.139 --> 00:27:55.309
- [Doris] Hi, Debbie, how are you?

00:27:55.309 --> 00:27:59.319
- [Debbie] Well I\'m fine, I understand you got locked out?

00:27:59.319 --> 00:28:00.279
- [Doris] I got what?

00:28:00.279 --> 00:28:03.279
- [Debbie] You got locked out of your apartment?

00:28:03.279 --> 00:28:04.156
- [Doris] No I didn\'t!

00:28:04.156 --> 00:28:05.429
(laughs) - [Debbie] Yes you did.

00:28:05.429 --> 00:28:07.872
Somebody just called to tell me that.

00:28:09.061 --> 00:28:12.719
- [Doris] Well, they may have. I\'ve been here all the time.

00:28:12.719 --> 00:28:13.719
- [Debbie] Well, no, you haven\'t.

00:28:13.719 --> 00:28:16.069
But you have to be sure you stay there,

00:28:16.069 --> 00:28:18.492
you can\'t go out wandering.

00:28:19.363 --> 00:28:20.839
You stay- - [Doris] But I was there!

00:28:20.839 --> 00:28:21.999
In the building!

00:28:21.999 --> 00:28:24.549
- [Debbie] Well, you were out of the apartment

00:28:24.549 --> 00:28:27.149
and you got you got yourself locked out.

00:28:27.149 --> 00:28:29.853
- [Doris] Well, I didn\'t, no one else did.

00:28:29.853 --> 00:28:30.787
(Debbie sighs)

00:28:30.787 --> 00:28:32.469
I don\'t know what you mean.

00:28:32.469 --> 00:28:35.709
- [Debbie] Well, you just have to be sure you stay home.

00:28:35.709 --> 00:28:37.625
- [Doris] Well, I do stay home.

00:28:37.625 --> 00:28:38.458
(chuckles)

00:28:38.458 --> 00:28:40.996
Everyone was staying home. - [Debbie] Yeah.

00:28:40.996 --> 00:28:45.996
- [Doris] Everybody who has an apartment,

00:28:46.589 --> 00:28:48.619
they said, let\'s all stay at home.

00:28:48.619 --> 00:28:50.393
And we all stayed at home.

00:28:50.393 --> 00:28:51.813
- [Debbie] Okay, well that\'s good.

00:28:51.813 --> 00:28:53.439
You just stay there.

00:28:53.439 --> 00:28:56.932
- [Doris] Yeah, it was the thing to stay at home.

00:28:58.139 --> 00:29:01.010
- [Debbie] Alright, now you stay home for the night.

00:29:01.010 --> 00:29:01.843
(laughs)

00:29:01.843 --> 00:29:03.642
- [Doris] Alright, I\'ll stay home for the night.

00:29:03.642 --> 00:29:04.939
- [Debbie] Okay, good.

00:29:04.939 --> 00:29:08.179
- [Doris] Okay, I don\'t like sleeping alone anyhow.

00:29:08.179 --> 00:29:12.369
So, I\'m very happy to be in my bed, by myself.

00:29:12.369 --> 00:29:14.169
- [Debbie] You put your pajamas on.

00:29:14.169 --> 00:29:16.209
- [Doris] Yes, of course.

00:29:16.209 --> 00:29:18.212
And, um, all is well.

00:29:21.294 --> 00:29:24.159
(light jazz music)

00:29:24.159 --> 00:29:29.059
- [Debbie] I was constantly looking for a way to connect

00:29:29.059 --> 00:29:31.889
and a way to know what she\'s thinking.

00:29:31.889 --> 00:29:34.862
And what she\'s feeling and what I should be doing.

00:29:37.099 --> 00:29:40.462
But it was kind of like interpreting dreams.

00:29:44.369 --> 00:29:48.409
If ever there was a period that seemed to have meaning,

00:29:48.409 --> 00:29:50.739
that seemed to be saying something to me,

00:29:50.739 --> 00:29:53.342
it was The Suitcase Period.

00:29:54.599 --> 00:29:56.899
And The Suitcase Period began

00:29:56.899 --> 00:30:01.899
with her taking out all of her suitcases and packing them.

00:30:02.679 --> 00:30:06.029
And, it was not clear from how she packed them,

00:30:06.029 --> 00:30:07.199
where she planned on going.

00:30:07.199 --> 00:30:09.969
I mean, they were packed with, kind of,

00:30:09.969 --> 00:30:10.802
anything and everything.

00:30:10.802 --> 00:30:11.779
I mean, she would just pack until

00:30:11.779 --> 00:30:14.529
there was no more room to pack anything.

00:30:14.529 --> 00:30:16.559
So, I had to remove everything

00:30:16.559 --> 00:30:18.849
that might be construed as a container.

00:30:18.849 --> 00:30:22.082
And still, you know, that she would find ways to pack.

00:30:24.329 --> 00:30:26.049
But you know, I thought, well she\'s,

00:30:26.049 --> 00:30:29.479
must be, she\'s saying something to me.

00:30:29.479 --> 00:30:32.499
She\'s saying, she wants to go somewhere.

00:30:32.499 --> 00:30:35.579
She wants to move, she doesn\'t feel at home.

00:30:35.579 --> 00:30:38.647
This is a, this is a period with meaning.

00:30:38.647 --> 00:30:41.317
(\"Bye Bye Blackbird)

00:30:41.317 --> 00:30:44.920
- ♪ Pack up all my cares and woe, ♪

00:30:44.920 --> 00:30:49.304
♪ Here I go, singing low, ♪

00:30:49.304 --> 00:30:54.304
♪ Bye, bye, blackbird. ♪

00:30:56.399 --> 00:31:00.080
♪ Where somebody waits for me, ♪

00:31:00.080 --> 00:31:04.552
♪ Sugar is sweet, so is he, ♪

00:31:04.552 --> 00:31:09.552
♪ Bye, bye, blackbird. ♪

00:31:11.205 --> 00:31:16.205
♪ There\'s no one here to love and understand me, ♪

00:31:19.304 --> 00:31:24.304
♪ Oh, what hard luck stories they all hand me. ♪

00:31:26.961 --> 00:31:30.686
♪ Make my bed and light the light, ♪

00:31:30.686 --> 00:31:34.599
♪ I\'ll be home late tonight, ♪

00:31:34.599 --> 00:31:39.599
♪ Blackbird, bye, bye. ♪

00:31:41.733 --> 00:31:45.066
♪ Blackbird, bye, bye. ♪

00:31:56.927 --> 00:31:58.550
(\"In the Good Old Summertime\")

00:31:58.550 --> 00:32:00.883
(whistling)

00:32:04.851 --> 00:32:09.579
- ♪ In the good old summertime ♪

00:32:09.579 --> 00:32:14.579
♪ In the good old summertime ♪

00:32:14.679 --> 00:32:18.762
♪ Strolling through a shady lane ♪

00:32:19.779 --> 00:32:23.712
- So, I began looking at places to move her.

00:32:23.712 --> 00:32:26.089
And I probably went to thirty places.

00:32:26.089 --> 00:32:27.089
It was vile.

00:32:27.089 --> 00:32:29.589
It was, you know, there would be, if it-

00:32:29.589 --> 00:32:31.879
Places that accepted people with Alzheimer\'s,

00:32:31.879 --> 00:32:33.019
mixed in with other people,

00:32:33.019 --> 00:32:35.539
basically the Alzheimer\'s people were drugged,

00:32:35.539 --> 00:32:38.072
put in wheelchairs, and tied in.

00:32:40.619 --> 00:32:43.729
But eventually, I stumbled into a place

00:32:43.729 --> 00:32:46.639
that was exclusively for Alzheimer\'s,

00:32:46.639 --> 00:32:51.639
and that seemed to allow people to have their dementia,

00:32:52.179 --> 00:32:54.369
however they were going to have it.

00:32:54.369 --> 00:32:59.362
And, the moment I walked in, I knew this was the place.

00:33:04.249 --> 00:33:08.519
When I talked with the director about how to move her,

00:33:08.519 --> 00:33:10.239
and I was planning, you know,

00:33:10.239 --> 00:33:11.909
well, how am I gonna tell her this?

00:33:11.909 --> 00:33:15.227
And she said to me, \"Tell her nothing.\"

00:33:15.227 --> 00:33:16.979
I was just horrified, and I thought, what?

00:33:16.979 --> 00:33:19.309
I\'m gonna just, you know, kidnap my mother,

00:33:19.309 --> 00:33:21.849
throw her in a car, and bring her to a strange place,

00:33:21.849 --> 00:33:23.319
and leave her there?

00:33:23.319 --> 00:33:26.846
She just said, \"Trust me, do not try to explain this to her.

00:33:26.846 --> 00:33:30.006
\"You will just agitate the two of you so terribly,

00:33:30.006 --> 00:33:32.106
\"you will not be able to discuss it.\"

00:33:33.259 --> 00:33:36.429
The night before we moved her,

00:33:36.429 --> 00:33:37.979
I go off to dinner with my mother,

00:33:37.979 --> 00:33:39.729
and she said to me, \"You know\"

00:33:39.729 --> 00:33:40.829
and she pointed at the apartment.

00:33:40.829 --> 00:33:43.106
She said, \"You know, I used to live,

00:33:43.106 --> 00:33:44.306
\"when I was in college I think,

00:33:44.306 --> 00:33:47.002
\"I had a room up in that apartment.

00:33:49.046 --> 00:33:50.876
\"Sometimes I\'d go and eat dinner there.

00:33:50.876 --> 00:33:52.776
\"And sometimes I\'d even, I\'d sleep over,

00:33:52.776 --> 00:33:53.756
\"they\'d let me sleep over,

00:33:53.756 --> 00:33:56.999
\"but I don\'t think I\'ll sleep there after tonight.\"

00:33:56.999 --> 00:34:00.666
(gentle instrumental music)

00:34:13.458 --> 00:34:16.929
I felt like, and believe me, we hadn\'t said a word,

00:34:16.929 --> 00:34:18.739
we had tried not to act any different,

00:34:18.739 --> 00:34:23.509
I felt that she knew and that she was saying to me,

00:34:23.509 --> 00:34:26.360
it\'s okay, you\'re doing the right thing.

00:34:26.360 --> 00:34:27.248
(laughs)

00:34:27.248 --> 00:34:28.181
- This is Vivian.

00:34:28.181 --> 00:34:29.036
- Hello. - [Doris] Hi Vivian.

00:34:29.036 --> 00:34:31.052
- Vivian, this is Doris. - Hello.

00:34:31.052 --> 00:34:33.417
- And Ann is taking a nap.

00:34:33.417 --> 00:34:35.565
We won\'t wake her.

00:34:35.565 --> 00:34:40.172
- [Debbie] And she was, a little cautious walking in.

00:34:41.449 --> 00:34:43.141
- Art, this is Doris.

00:34:43.141 --> 00:34:45.681
- Hi Doris, hello, nice to meet you.

00:34:45.681 --> 00:34:46.856
- Hi Doris.

00:34:46.856 --> 00:34:49.193
- Hello, I don\'t want your phone interrupted.

00:34:49.193 --> 00:34:51.047
- That\'s alright, don\'t worry about it.

00:34:51.047 --> 00:34:54.049
Nothing\'s too important to come say hello to you.

00:34:54.049 --> 00:34:55.389
- They immediately, sort of took her

00:34:55.389 --> 00:34:56.688
a little bit away from me.

00:34:58.849 --> 00:35:02.379
I mean, it was, I guess, the hardest thing I\'ve ever done,

00:35:02.379 --> 00:35:04.162
was walking out of there.

00:35:05.079 --> 00:35:06.249
I mean, I don\'t know if I thought

00:35:06.249 --> 00:35:07.709
I was gonna feel some instant relief,

00:35:07.709 --> 00:35:08.649
or something, but I didn\'t.

00:35:08.649 --> 00:35:12.699
I felt like I\'d just done the most horrible thing

00:35:12.699 --> 00:35:14.542
to a person I could possibly do.

00:35:15.959 --> 00:35:18.009
And we, Frances and I, drove home,

00:35:18.009 --> 00:35:21.569
and (sighs) I just laid down.

00:35:21.569 --> 00:35:23.132
I just felt horrible.

00:35:24.200 --> 00:35:27.867
(gentle instrumental music)

00:35:45.186 --> 00:35:46.897
- Just a second.

00:35:46.897 --> 00:35:48.139
- [Debbie] The first time that they,

00:35:48.139 --> 00:35:50.142
that we went back to see my mother,

00:35:51.089 --> 00:35:52.059
and it was two days later.

00:35:52.059 --> 00:35:54.979
And we were so frightened of what we were gonna find,

00:35:54.979 --> 00:35:57.909
and she was actually taking a little nap when we arrived,

00:35:57.909 --> 00:36:00.769
so that she woke up in this state,

00:36:00.769 --> 00:36:01.999
saying all these things.

00:36:01.999 --> 00:36:04.729
And she periodically, I wrote it down afterwards

00:36:04.729 --> 00:36:07.259
\'cause it was so shocking, I was-

00:36:07.259 --> 00:36:10.469
She would periodically, just kind of throw her arms out

00:36:10.469 --> 00:36:13.316
and say, \"Oh, the joy of me!\"

00:36:14.369 --> 00:36:16.929
And then she would just look around again, and...

00:36:18.471 --> 00:36:19.304
- It\'s lovely.

00:36:19.304 --> 00:36:22.544
- Good! (laughs)

00:36:22.544 --> 00:36:23.472
Excellent!

00:36:23.472 --> 00:36:24.305
- Yeah, it\'s fun.

00:36:24.305 --> 00:36:25.278
- Uh-huh? - Yeah.

00:36:25.278 --> 00:36:26.111
(whistles)

00:36:26.111 --> 00:36:29.194
- There\'s one, and two, and one more.

00:36:32.846 --> 00:36:36.085
And that\'s it, okay Sylvia, let\'s do the next one together.

00:36:36.085 --> 00:36:38.949
Put your arms out in front, crawl.

00:36:38.949 --> 00:36:41.279
- It took longer for me to adjust

00:36:41.279 --> 00:36:44.449
to my mother being in a home, than her.

00:36:44.449 --> 00:36:46.282
She was used to it instantaneously.

00:36:48.599 --> 00:36:52.779
Just as, her watching Ed McMahon on TV

00:36:52.779 --> 00:36:56.299
was a bit of a blow to my image of her,

00:36:56.299 --> 00:36:57.549
and so the first time, you know,

00:36:57.549 --> 00:36:59.919
that I came and she was wearing

00:36:59.919 --> 00:37:04.069
some man\'s T-shirt and sweatpants, it was hard for me.

00:37:04.069 --> 00:37:06.299
You know, I had to keep making these adjustments,

00:37:06.299 --> 00:37:08.372
but I eventually caught up to her.

00:37:09.922 --> 00:37:12.342
- N-31, we have it, we have it.

00:37:13.788 --> 00:37:16.209
N-31, there.

00:37:16.209 --> 00:37:17.629
- [Caller] What\'s the matter?

00:37:17.629 --> 00:37:19.609
- Does that mean 31 cents?

00:37:19.609 --> 00:37:21.354
- No, it\'s just the number,

00:37:21.354 --> 00:37:23.892
and if you get a whole line, then you win.

00:37:25.209 --> 00:37:26.729
- I don\'t think I\'ll get it.

00:37:26.729 --> 00:37:28.317
- Well you got it last time.

00:37:28.317 --> 00:37:30.139
- What\'d I get? - [Caller] B-13.

00:37:30.139 --> 00:37:31.429
- You won last time.

00:37:31.429 --> 00:37:33.548
- I\'d forgotten that. - Mm-hmm.

00:37:33.548 --> 00:37:35.825
- B-9.

00:37:35.825 --> 00:37:36.825
- I have it.

00:37:38.943 --> 00:37:41.373
- [Caller] Okay, I-26.

00:37:41.373 --> 00:37:42.304
- I have it.

00:37:42.304 --> 00:37:43.436
- [Caller] I-26.

00:37:43.436 --> 00:37:44.436
- I have 27.

00:37:45.439 --> 00:37:48.292
- When we first moved her into the home,

00:37:49.159 --> 00:37:51.419
we brought some prized possessions

00:37:51.419 --> 00:37:55.729
that we thought were important to have her orient herself,

00:37:55.729 --> 00:37:57.482
or remind her of something.

00:37:58.779 --> 00:38:00.169
And she didn\'t want those things.

00:38:00.169 --> 00:38:03.189
Those things were a source of stress.

00:38:03.189 --> 00:38:05.339
It turned out, you know, that her apartment

00:38:06.499 --> 00:38:08.459
just represented added anxiety,

00:38:08.459 --> 00:38:09.629
even though there was nothing

00:38:09.629 --> 00:38:11.509
she had to do in her apartment,

00:38:11.509 --> 00:38:16.509
it was filled with her life, which she couldn\'t remember.

00:38:16.689 --> 00:38:18.769
So, you know, she knew that something would be familiar,

00:38:18.769 --> 00:38:20.219
but what exactly was it?

00:38:20.219 --> 00:38:23.509
And that would all set off anxiety.

00:38:23.509 --> 00:38:27.389
And she, you know, removing all of that

00:38:27.389 --> 00:38:29.979
was such a relief for her.

00:38:29.979 --> 00:38:31.017
- BINGO! (laughs)

00:38:31.017 --> 00:38:32.882
- [Caller] Yeah! Doris got Bingo! Woo!

00:38:32.882 --> 00:38:35.189
(clapping and cheering)

00:38:35.189 --> 00:38:37.051
- Who gave it? - You got Bingo?

00:38:37.051 --> 00:38:37.989
- What\'d it say?

00:38:37.989 --> 00:38:39.726
- Look, you got a whole row of \'em.

00:38:39.726 --> 00:38:42.059
- Woo, graham crackers honey!

00:38:42.059 --> 00:38:43.282
You\'re the big winner today!

00:38:43.282 --> 00:38:44.212
- Yes, thank you.

00:38:44.212 --> 00:38:45.045
- You\'re welcome.

00:38:45.045 --> 00:38:46.299
- [Debbie] And she was finally, you know,

00:38:46.299 --> 00:38:50.379
down to just clothes that were not her own,

00:38:50.379 --> 00:38:52.809
not a single possession except her pocketbook,

00:38:52.809 --> 00:38:54.189
still clung to her pocketbook.

00:38:54.189 --> 00:38:56.179
But the only thing in the pocketbook,

00:38:56.179 --> 00:38:59.869
usually is some kleenex and a penny.

00:38:59.869 --> 00:39:04.869
There\'s not another thing of her past that she has.

00:39:05.437 --> 00:39:09.354
(\"Let Me Call You Sweetheart\")

00:39:13.311 --> 00:39:18.311
- ♪ Let me hear you whisper that you love me too ♪

00:39:20.471 --> 00:39:25.471
♪ Keep the love light glowing, in your eyes so true ♪

00:39:28.251 --> 00:39:33.251
♪ Let me call you sweetheart, I\'m in love with you ♪

00:39:36.789 --> 00:39:41.789
♪ Let me call you sweetheart, I\'m in love with you ♪

00:39:44.489 --> 00:39:47.399
- [Debbie] Everybody who\'s there, has a disease

00:39:47.399 --> 00:39:48.919
they\'d rather not have.

00:39:48.919 --> 00:39:52.129
Everybody who\'s there is going to get worse.

00:39:52.129 --> 00:39:53.609
Everybody\'s essentially gonna die

00:39:53.609 --> 00:39:55.172
from what they have there.

00:39:56.809 --> 00:40:01.472
You know, and there\'s nothing uplifting about that.

00:40:06.499 --> 00:40:09.559
But with, once you accept the parameters,

00:40:09.559 --> 00:40:13.129
my mother has Alzheimer\'s, and it is true,

00:40:13.129 --> 00:40:15.419
she is gonna remember less and less and less,

00:40:15.419 --> 00:40:18.669
and she may very rarely know who I am.

00:40:18.669 --> 00:40:21.199
But if you can accept that,

00:40:21.199 --> 00:40:24.812
it can still be a very joyful life.

00:40:29.289 --> 00:40:32.649
It\'s so, on one sense, so corny,

00:40:32.649 --> 00:40:36.769
and so profoundly, obviously true,

00:40:36.769 --> 00:40:39.549
that with the love, my mother\'s okay.

00:40:39.549 --> 00:40:42.329
And she\'s in a place where she is given

00:40:42.329 --> 00:40:44.759
constant, unconditional love.

00:40:44.759 --> 00:40:47.149
And she thrives on it.

00:40:47.149 --> 00:40:48.782
And by thriving, she\'s happy.

00:40:50.033 --> 00:40:54.616
She is the ultimate of living in the moment, that\'s...

00:40:57.279 --> 00:40:58.429
You know, she\'s sort of the ultimate

00:40:58.429 --> 00:41:00.999
enlightened person, in that...

00:41:06.219 --> 00:41:09.089
well, I don\'t know, you know, what memory...

00:41:10.249 --> 00:41:11.936
I mean, I\'m very attached to my memory.

00:41:11.936 --> 00:41:12.979
(laughs)

00:41:12.979 --> 00:41:16.309
I mean, I\'m very attached to my childhood memory

00:41:16.309 --> 00:41:20.372
and my, it sort of does tell me who I am.

00:41:21.969 --> 00:41:23.789
But, I guess it\'s clear to me,

00:41:23.789 --> 00:41:26.129
that you can still be somebody without it.

00:41:26.129 --> 00:41:30.552
You still have definition without a past.

00:41:32.729 --> 00:41:36.249
- I did have a warm feeling,

00:41:36.249 --> 00:41:41.249
for what, the few of us, made a sentence here

00:41:41.899 --> 00:41:43.479
or a sentence there, go.

00:41:43.479 --> 00:41:44.312
- [Debbie] Mm-hmm.

00:41:44.312 --> 00:41:47.119
- And I just now, just recently,

00:41:47.119 --> 00:41:49.669
just within the last hour or so,

00:41:49.669 --> 00:41:54.146
I began to think, we were all parties together.

00:41:54.146 --> 00:41:54.979
- [Debbie] Mm-hmm.

00:41:54.979 --> 00:41:58.252
- And that simply hit me today, just now.

00:41:59.699 --> 00:42:02.542
And I\'m happy it\'s here.

00:42:03.948 --> 00:42:08.789
And I\'m not sure I remember where everyone lived

00:42:08.789 --> 00:42:13.789
and so forth, but there\'s something close

00:42:13.789 --> 00:42:18.062
that\'s still with me and I\'m grateful for it.

00:42:21.774 --> 00:42:24.357
(light music)