[00:00:00.90] [joyful orchestral music]
[00:00:05.53] - Think I was about ten years old when I first decided that conducting was for me.
[00:00:10.67] ♪ ♪ I went with my father to hear the Pittsburgh Symphony play Beethoven's Ninth.
[00:00:18.10] I just said, "I gotta do that." ♪ ♪ - Ronald was on this trajectory toward being one of the world's greatest maestros.
[00:00:26.77] ♪ ♪ - It was hard to accept that I had been diagnosed as being bipolar.
[00:00:34.23] I was judged and discriminated against, so I decided to create my own orchestra.
[00:00:39.87] ♪ ♪ - I never knew that an orchestra could be such a vehicle for change.
[00:00:45.90] ♪ ♪ [soft woodwind music]
[00:01:05.70] ♪ ♪ - Two cellos.
[00:01:09.53] - Two, two, one, so five cellos and then-- I'm missing a chair again.
[00:01:13.60] My chairs keep disappearing.
[00:01:14.93] We're gonna have five violas too.
[00:01:15.83] - No.
[00:01:17.13] I decided to start Me2/Orchestra because I wanted to make music with people who are like me and also people that support people like me where stigma doesn't exist.
[00:01:30.97] - When Ronald came to me with this idea, I said, "It doesn't matter that there have been plenty of conductors throughout history who have probably had the same diagnosis.
[00:01:39.83] You are now and forever going to be labelled as the bipolar conductor.
[00:01:44.27] Is that what you-- what you want?
[00:01:46.97] - I've never felt better about having made this fact public, truly.
[00:01:55.87] [stirring orchestral music]
[00:01:58.87] ♪ ♪ Very short.
[00:02:06.87] - Me2/Orchestra is the world's only classical music organization that has been created specifically for people who are living with mental illnesses-- schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, depression, anxiety, addiction, and the people who support them.
[00:02:22.23] - Very good. Can we go back to, um...
[00:02:24.90] can we go back to C, letter C?
[00:02:26.83] So we know what fortissimo is.
[00:02:29.07] - We really wanna break down all the preconceived notions that people have about what it means to be living with a mental illness.
[00:02:36.97] ♪ ♪ - Piano!
[00:02:41.03] Yeah, this is very important. I'm sorry.
[00:02:42.87] This is really an important-- there are lots of subito pianos.
[00:02:46.20] They're all over the place.
[00:02:47.83] I think we'll get that sorted out.
[00:02:49.27] It's okay.
[00:02:50.57] ♪ ♪ My conducting education began when I went to Juilliard and I graduated in the conducting department, and then the next year I won first prize gold medal in the Herbert von Karajan Conducting Competition with the Berlin Philharmonic.
[00:03:08.73] The von Karajan Prize...
[00:03:12.17] is the most prestigious and competitive conducting competition in the world, and I was the first American to get it.
[00:03:24.07] The years following the competition were amazing.
[00:03:28.00] I was conducting major orchestras.
[00:03:31.67] ♪ ♪ I conducted the Berlin Philharmonic.
[00:03:36.63] I conducted the San Francisco Symphony.
[00:03:39.80] Everything I did turned to gold.
[00:03:42.13] ♪ ♪ Violins-- [humming melody]
[00:03:49.73] Okay, make that change.
[00:03:51.23] But I felt my emotional life was definitely starting to crumble.
[00:03:55.67] When I would go to an orchestra to rehearse, there was one time when I practiced one note again and again and again for 45 minutes.
[00:04:08.13] At that point the manager said, "You can't continue." And I said, "Why not?" He said, "Because you're ill." And I said, "No, I'm not ill." He said, "Well, all we know is you can't continue." They broke my contract and they got a replacement...
[00:04:30.77] And they paid me some-- I think $2,000 to just sort of just weep myself to sleep.
[00:04:40.90] When I was a young boy, I knew something was not quite right-- that I would get very, very excited, and then I would become very, very sad kind of rapidly, and I asked my father to take me to a doctor.
[00:04:56.70] The doctor said I had bad nerves.
[00:05:01.80] I was first diagnosed with bipolar disorder when I was 30 years old.
[00:05:06.17] I told my manager, expecting that he might have some empathy or...
[00:05:16.70] Perception of someone that could be helped.
[00:05:21.60] He just dropped me.
[00:05:24.93] Everyone in the music business abandoned me.
[00:05:28.80] [melancholy notes]
[00:05:35.90] I'm looking through these notes--mm.
[00:05:37.93] Mm, ooh, boy.
[00:05:40.80] Really takes me back to some of...
[00:05:43.17] some of the very dark, um, time.
[00:05:47.90] "I need to talk to someone who can help me, "but there isn't anyone.
[00:05:52.17] "Nowhere to go, nowhere to do, nothing to do.
[00:05:56.93] When will the punishment stop?" Hm, well, it just gets worse.
[00:06:03.80] These were the times when I had no one-- absolutely no one.
[00:06:09.73] Everything crushing me.
[00:06:12.93] I'm happy I didn't kill myself.
[00:06:18.50] This one is really important that we get this.
[00:06:20.73] Can we start, everybody?
[00:06:22.67] One, two, three, four.
[00:06:25.50] [rousing orchestral music]
[00:06:28.50] - The name Me2/ was inspired by Ronald and the fact that when he became comfortable with his diagnosis of bipolar disorder and started telling other people, very often the response was, "Oh, me too." - So you really have to be punctual-- really punctuate the downbeats there.
[00:06:45.23] ♪ ♪ - I've been a member of the Me2/Orchestra pretty much from the get-go.
[00:06:56.03] When I started playing with Me2/, it really was a bad time in my life.
[00:07:01.13] ♪ ♪ I found out that I had bipolar when I was around 20, 20 years old.
[00:07:10.27] I started having a lot of delusions.
[00:07:13.93] [bold clarinet melody]
[00:07:17.13] I remember boiling a pot of water, and I was staring at this pot of water that, when the water would boil down until there was nothing left, that I had, at the same time in my head, this image of sort of a apocalypse scenario with fire coming down from the sky and the world ending and stuff like that.
[00:07:40.03] I was terrified of it.
[00:07:41.90] Well, I ended up in the hospital.
[00:07:43.13] I was there for three weeks.
[00:07:45.17] I was questioning whether I'd be able to live a normal life for the rest of my life.
[00:07:48.97] - One, two.
[00:07:51.10] [rousing orchestral music]
[00:07:53.93] ♪ ♪ - When I heard that they were starting an orchestra for people with mental illness, I was like, "Yeah, I'm there." ♪ ♪ I have major depression, I have borderline personality disorders, and I have attention deficit disorder.
[00:08:11.63] I think one of the metaphors is just picture somebody whose nerves are raw or somebody who has a case of sunburn, only it's their soul that has that sunburn.
[00:08:23.50] Everything you touch is gonna hurt.
[00:08:27.00] I went to college at Harvard.
[00:08:29.60] I graduated with a degree in physics, and I haven't had a career that I wanted to hold on to, and I finally had to realize that was because of my mental illness.
[00:08:41.97] Come along to, you know, 30, 35, 40, all the time I'm thinking, "Boy, I'm not gonna go back to a class reunion, and I have nothing to show for my years." I really had a hard time not thinking that I was inferior.
[00:08:57.10] I beat myself up over it for years.
[00:09:00.80] ♪ ♪ - I played double bass all through middle school and high school.
[00:09:09.93] Right before I joined the orchestra, I was doing terribly.
[00:09:12.93] I hadn't left the house in...months.
[00:09:15.53] I didn't feel like I was a part of the rest of the world.
[00:09:20.70] Wandered away from this job and was living in the woods and was hearing voices and was all paranoid, and then my family found me and then I got put in the state hospital.
[00:09:31.70] [eerie whispering]
[00:09:33.23] First they said I was bipolar.
[00:09:35.20] Then they said I was schizophrenic.
[00:09:37.27] I told people I was a drug addict before I told them I had mental illness because they accepted that, and they weren't scared of that.
[00:09:46.07] I didn't feel like I was a part of the rest of the world, like I had... somehow gotten lowered into a different class.
[00:09:54.60] ♪ ♪ - I started playing viola when I, like, started with the orchestra.
[00:10:01.97] Before that, I played violin.
[00:10:04.50] I've been told I had bipolar disorder, PTSD, ADHD, anxiety disorder, anorexia nervosa.
[00:10:15.17] I see myself as a person who is a little damaged, struggling to, like, fit in, or if I'm like really anxious, my brain switches into a dissociative moment, so it automatically takes over-- another personality.
[00:10:31.23] So I happened to have a dissociative episode during rehearsal, and the next thing I knew, I was falling out of my chair.
[00:10:40.97] They didn't treat me like someone who had an illness.
[00:10:43.77] They just, like...
[00:10:45.07] "Okay, so she does this sometimes, or she might need this." So it was a situation base, which was refreshing to hear.
[00:10:53.60] - Let's take a break. - Okay.
[00:10:55.13] [indistinct chatter]
[00:10:57.63] - [chuckles]
[00:11:00.57] So what happened?
[00:11:02.07] - I don't know! It's not my fault.
[00:11:03.97] - It's not your fault because...
[00:11:05.77] - 'Cause it's your fault.
[00:11:06.97] - I have a very special relationship with these people because it goes far beyond music.
[00:11:12.20] It all comes together. - In the end.
[00:11:14.90] - Except for you. - Except for me.
[00:11:16.63] - Yeah. - [chuckles]
[00:11:17.97] It's not my fault. - Right, it's not your fault.
[00:11:19.87] - I just do what you tell me to.
[00:11:21.53] - No, you don't.
[00:11:22.93] - Ron and I have become really close friends.
[00:11:24.77] He was the first person I really trusted that had mental illness.
[00:11:28.60] I told him about some of my psychotic breaks, and he told me about some of his psychotic breaks.
[00:11:32.57] - The good old days that weren't so good.
[00:11:34.70] Not as good as now. - They weren't as good?
[00:11:36.10] Now is better though. - Yeah.
[00:11:37.60] - Ronald's a great guy.
[00:11:39.53] He reached out for me from the start just as a friend, as someone to talk to, and I got to know him a little more and found out that he has the same diagnosis as I do.
[00:11:51.27] Thing about bipolar is when things get bad, then they get, sometimes, really bad and I think, after the fact, you have to laugh about it a little bit, and that's why I think I get along with Ronnie.
[00:12:04.17] We like to laugh together.
[00:12:06.03] [indistinct chatter]
[00:12:10.27] - The orchestra has made me feel less isolated because I have friends there who I can be myself with.
[00:12:17.10] - Thanks you, Carole. See you tomorrow.
[00:12:19.17] - Yeah, see you tomorrow. - Good night.
[00:12:20.70] - It makes you feel good.
[00:12:22.17] It makes the world seem a little less lonely when you know that people are out there supporting each other.
[00:12:27.77] [pleasant orchestral music]
[00:12:30.57] ♪ ♪ - Ronald and I met when he applied for a job here in Vermont.
[00:12:45.27] I was, at the time, the executive director of an orchestra.
[00:12:50.53] We're doing a search for a new music director and conductor, and Ronald applied for the job.
[00:12:54.93] Let's go this way, hon.
[00:12:56.77] I saw Ronald's résumé before I actually met him.
[00:13:00.67] I'm looking at it and going, "Wow, what a career." Karajan Competition gold medal winner-- I've never met one of those. [laughing] That's amazing.
[00:13:10.97] You know, this guy must be incredible.
[00:13:14.57] - Somehow I was able to get this job.
[00:13:18.20] When I got there, unfortunately, I was suffering from a manic side of bipolar.
[00:13:25.10] - When we were first working together, I was really always looking at ways to help support him in those areas where he was struggling because, for me, what really mattered was that I had the best possible person on the podium. I mean, he was phenomenal.
[00:13:42.20] - Things were getting pretty, uh, pretty eccentric, let's just say.
[00:13:47.97] I got about a hundred, um...
[00:13:51.90] orange flyswatters, which I put on my walls because I loved the color orange.
[00:13:59.60] I also bought traffic cones, and I put them all over my apartment and my office because I thought that they would keep me safe.
[00:14:08.00] - People around him really didn't understand it, and it was impacting the-- you know, it was impacting the entire workplace.
[00:14:16.57] When Ronald lost his job, he was asked to stay on for a couple of months to get the orchestra through the next concert cycle.
[00:14:24.10] So...that was a bizarre and very dark time, to put it mildly.
[00:14:31.67] During those two months, I was his colleague, but I was always someone who was also deeply concerned with, frankly, whether or not he was gonna make it through the next day.
[00:14:43.20] I felt that he was probably suicidal.
[00:14:46.87] [solemn music]
[00:14:49.17] - Caroline helped me get out of the dark time.
[00:14:52.10] She stood by my side the whole way.
[00:14:55.07] At that time, I didn't really know, uh, if I would conduct again.
[00:15:00.70] [applause]
[00:15:05.63] [applause fades out]
[00:15:13.03] - It didn't take me very long to figure out that I was absolutely crazy about Ronald and that I wanted to be with him and, apparently, I wasn't terribly subtle with that because he made it clear to me that, um, he was not gonna go there because we were working together at the time.
[00:15:31.83] - You still feel like you have a good deal, don't you?
[00:15:35.10] - Yeah, you're gonna clean.
[00:15:36.87] - Yeah. - Okay.
[00:15:38.70] - I was not, um, I don't know, smart enough to realize at--at the first point that, um, this was my life partner, but she did, and she hung in there.
[00:15:51.10] Glasses, I, um, I finally-- I need a system for everything...
[00:15:55.73] - Yeah, I noticed the tape is back.
[00:15:57.70] - So the glasses, right, they go--they go here as opposed to cups, which are here, so this tells me it's a glass.
[00:16:07.27] - [chuckles] Okay, honey, whatever works.
[00:16:09.77] - It was in our kitchen and I asked her, "Will you marry me?" And sh-- she said, "You're kidding! You're not being serious." And I said, "Yes, I'm being serious." And then, within a week, we went to city hall and did it.
[00:16:29.27] - Honey, are you gonna be in there long?
[00:16:31.53] - Um, no, I was just gonna clean--clean it up.
[00:16:35.00] - Could you do it later? You're in my office.
[00:16:36.80] - [chuckles] Okay. - Sorry.
[00:16:38.60] I love my work.
[00:16:40.53] I'm doing a lot of marketing and fundraising and organizing rehearsals.
[00:16:46.50] I went to the Eastman School of Music and got my degree in French horn.
[00:16:51.07] Not long after that, I started developing real issues with anxiety and depression and panic attacks, and that kind of thwarted any ideas I had of becoming a performing musician.
[00:17:05.77] And at that point, I really fell in love with the administrative side of things.
[00:17:09.77] When we started Me2/Orchestra, it was such a ragtag bunch.
[00:17:14.73] We started with just a handful of players, which has now blossomed into dozens of players and to, really, a full orchestra, and we decided to launch a new branch just outside of Boston.
[00:17:27.90] - We go down to Boston once a week on Mondays to rehearse.
[00:17:33.07] - How many bags are you taking to Boston this time?
[00:17:35.57] - Just taking one.
[00:17:36.93] - Just that and the-- the music bag--okay.
[00:17:45.57] Ronald is definitely a creature of habit.
[00:17:48.63] He needs his pencils, his erasers, his Post-it Notes, his scores-- just the little items that make him feel secure so that we're not worried about him experiencing any undue anxiety, or panic at the last minute is a big concern.
[00:18:03.87] Honey, do you have your-- - Yes.
[00:18:05.57] - You have your meds?
[00:18:06.90] You always say yes before I finish the question.
[00:18:09.70] You have your meds? - No.
[00:18:11.60] - [chuckles] You better get 'em.
[00:18:17.67] Let's see...what he packed.
[00:18:22.93] Got 'em, honey? - I do have 'em.
[00:18:24.13] - Okay. Thank you.
[00:18:27.23] - Mm-kay.
[00:18:33.03] Gotta get-- - Do you need your--your shoes?
[00:18:35.53] - I do, but... - Oh, you don't have them.
[00:18:37.13] - I need them to walk.
[00:18:40.93] Okay.
[00:18:43.90] - I'll get my shoes on the way out the door.
[00:18:45.83] - How late are we?
[00:18:47.93] - We'll be okay depending on traffic once we hit Boston.
[00:18:51.13] - That means we're late. - Okay.
[00:18:52.90] Excuse me. [laughing]
[00:18:57.70] Doesn't count if you pack everything and then you leave the suitcase.
[00:19:02.90] [plucky orchestral music]
[00:19:05.70] ♪ ♪ I do all of the driving because I prefer for Ronald not to drive at all.
[00:19:20.60] ♪ ♪ Takes us four hours to drive door to door.
[00:19:37.90] - It's a little bit of a long journey.
[00:19:40.63] - Honey...
[00:19:43.60] get your scores under control.
[00:19:46.57] You got it?
[00:19:50.53] I gotta get you a portable desk for the car.
[00:19:53.50] - Duh.
[00:19:55.27] - We've experienced a lot of financial stress since we started the organization, and we really very literally put everything we had and then some into getting things off the ground.
[00:20:04.77] And when we decided to start the orchestra in Boston, it was a big leap-- just literally counting every single dollar in the checking account, and that's no way to live.
[00:20:15.80] - I'll be happy when they come.
[00:20:17.77] - I know.
[00:20:19.63] - I'll be happy to see all of my--my buddies.
[00:20:21.87] - I know you will.
[00:20:25.23] - There are times when I'm having an honestly bad day, and I really don't feel like going to rehearsal.
[00:20:32.93] Transformation comes as soon as I go into the door-- couldn't be a happier person.
[00:20:43.83] [bright orchestral music]
[00:20:46.67] ♪ ♪ Anyone can join. There's no audition.
[00:21:03.03] One and two and...
[00:21:05.67] ♪ ♪ I find it very fulfilling to conduct this orchestra-- more fulfilling than even a professional orchestra.
[00:21:16.13] I can take them from rather low level-- let's say 20-- and take them to 90.
[00:21:23.83] With a really good, professional orchestra, they're already at 99.
[00:21:28.03] ♪ ♪ Good.
[00:21:31.27] ♪ ♪ Yeah, fine. It's just...
[00:21:34.10] it's-- it's rushing incrementally.
[00:21:37.07] I mean, it absolutely has to be exactly in tempo because there's so few of us, and it's-- okay, really-- [humming melody]
[00:21:45.93] I accept what I have here.
[00:21:49.83] They accept each other, and, uh...
[00:21:53.73] It's a-- it's a really special thing.
[00:21:56.20] ♪ ♪ - There's a family photo that we have of me as an infant sitting on my father's lap, and he's playing the recorder and I'm sort of chewing on the end of it, and it looks like I really would like to play it but, uh, don't know quite which end to blow into.
[00:22:15.90] When I was about 11 or 12, I received my very first diagnosis after having a few crises.
[00:22:22.17] The final label was borderline personality disorder.
[00:22:25.13] At around the same time, I was also diagnosed with Asperger's, which is now, I think, known as autism spectrum disorder.
[00:22:33.53] I'm on the higher functioning end.
[00:22:35.93] It was when I reached graduate school, when I moved away from everything I was familiar with, that I started having the most problems.
[00:22:44.17] There were several occasions when I contemplated suicide.
[00:22:47.27] I didn't want to live anymore.
[00:22:49.20] I was experiencing my negative emotions to sort of the Nth degree.
[00:22:53.67] For me, that was mostly anxiety and sadness.
[00:22:58.60] And the sadness had a quality of despair about it-- like, I'm sad, and it will never, ever get better, and the anxiety was sometimes also extreme to the point where, like, I wouldn't want to leave my room 'cause everything seemed so scary.
[00:23:12.50] I was hospitalized, and I did not finish the program at school.
[00:23:18.57] I wanted to join the M2/Orchestra because it combined the two largest parts of my identity-- my identity as a musician and my identity as a person with a mental health condition.
[00:23:28.70] [joyful orchestral music]
[00:23:31.70] [soaring flute melody]
[00:23:34.70] ♪ ♪ - When I'm playing the flute, it's like the world disappears.
[00:23:43.57] When I'm having a bad day, it helps 'cause playing an instrument takes up every single part of your brain.
[00:23:52.80] [classical guitar melody]
[00:23:55.60] ♪ ♪ I have been diagnosed with bipolar and anxiety disorders.
[00:24:01.83] During my teenage years, I felt like nothing was me anymore.
[00:24:06.87] I couldn't find my own self, and I couldn't tame my emotions.
[00:24:12.07] Just anger and aggression and unhappiness and tearfulness.
[00:24:17.63] It was like...a cloud, like a black cloud of just emotion that just wouldn't go away.
[00:24:26.93] I felt like my life wasn't my own, that this monster inside me had taken over everything.
[00:24:36.13] ♪ ♪ - We don't ask people when they come to join the orchestra whether or not they have a diagnosis, but we feel that roughly 50% of our musicians are not living with a diagnosis themselves.
[00:24:58.23] Very often they do have family members who are living with some sort of mental health challenge or friends.
[00:25:05.13] Really, who among us hasn't encountered mental illness at some point in our lives?
[00:25:09.67] - There's been some history of mental illness in my extended family, and I've kind of dealt with that tangentially, but it's not part of my immediate, daily life.
[00:25:21.33] All people are dealing with something, but playing beautiful music somehow makes the burdens easier to bear.
[00:25:29.57] ♪ ♪ [stirring orchestral music]
[00:25:41.20] ♪ ♪ - Ronald and I spend all day every day together because we're working together and then we're also married, and I'd like to say that we have a professional life and a personal life, but the boundaries are so blurred at this point.
[00:26:02.10] We are extremely different people.
[00:26:04.53] I mean, Ronald is a Jewish boy from Pittsburgh, and I was raised in Georgia in the Baptist Church.
[00:26:12.63] I mean, come on. Like, who put us together?
[00:26:15.03] [laughs]
[00:26:16.37] Honey-- - Oh, I'm sorry.
[00:26:18.60] - [laughs] - Shoot.
[00:26:20.57] I'll--sorry, I got it. Thanks.
[00:26:25.07] - All right, which of these two did you want?
[00:26:27.43] - Have you tried these, Carrie?
[00:26:29.43] If you scratch it-- - Pick out one you want.
[00:26:35.57] - Spring is on its way. - [laughs]
[00:26:37.40] Ronald is very good for me because he is uninhibited in a way that I have never been, and he's brought me out of my corner a little bit.
[00:26:48.10] - Oh.
[00:26:49.43] Smell that. - I trust you.
[00:26:51.37] Okay, I trust you. [laughs]
[00:26:53.23] Stop it. Just get it.
[00:26:56.43] He's very childlike in some ways in the way he approaches life.
[00:26:59.57] - There's no sugar added, but there's maple syrup and rice syrup, and, sure, there's no sugar added.
[00:27:06.77] - It's 'cause we're in Vermont.
[00:27:08.03] Everything has maple syrup in it.
[00:27:09.43] Come on. - Right, but it says-- - Please. - "Pure and natural, no sugar." Then... [whistles]
[00:27:17.20] - Are you done?
[00:27:19.67] You're not done. Okay. - Yeah, I'm done.
[00:27:22.13] - Living with a partner who has mental illness can be very much like being on a roller coaster day to day.
[00:27:28.27] The first couple of years of our marriage, I spent a lot of time in tears.
[00:27:33.67] Some of those tears were for me and a lot of those tears were for Ronald and a lot of 'em were for both of us.
[00:27:39.47] - After many years of never having had stabilization, I've been able to keep absolutely in the middle.
[00:27:48.57] It's the longest period in my life, and I owe it to Caroline.
[00:27:51.53] - Okay.
[00:27:54.47] [soft piano melody]
[00:27:57.47] ♪ ♪ [joyful orchestral music]
[00:28:06.60] [orchestra warming up]
[00:28:10.13] ♪ ♪ - Okay, everyone, let's start with "The Arabian Dance." [orchestra performing Tchaikovsky's "Arabian Dance"]
[00:28:21.60] ♪ ♪ - In this orchestra, we're certainly dealing with a population of people many of whom are living with very serious illnesses, and so we do have periods of time when someone will need to disappear.
[00:28:42.23] We had a performance, and about 30 minutes before the concert, I got a text from Marek saying that he was not feeling well, and I just kind of knew in my gut that it was his mental health that was deteriorating.
[00:28:55.73] Then we found out that he had been hospitalized.
[00:28:59.03] - Marek was one of the founding fathers of the orchestra.
[00:29:01.63] He showed up at the first rehearsal.
[00:29:04.10] He was in his pajama pants.
[00:29:07.20] It's very hard for me when I see my friends in the orchestra having trouble because I know what they're going through, and, um, it's--it's tough.
[00:29:21.27] Can I have, everyone, the first forte?
[00:29:23.33] Let me see how--big sound, big sound.
[00:29:28.27] [sweeping orchestral music]
[00:29:31.07] ♪ ♪ Little bit--a little bit late. Let's--same place.
[00:29:43.27] ♪ ♪ - I sit next to Marek.
[00:30:06.50] My teammate through all of this is not there, and I miss him when he's not at rehearsal.
[00:30:12.60] Being in the orchestra was my first experience really getting to know people facing various mental health challenges.
[00:30:19.60] I think it's actually made me more empathetic.
[00:30:24.60] - With mental illness, this is just what happens.
[00:30:27.23] It's just part of life.
[00:30:28.80] It makes me think about what we all go through and that it could happen to me.
[00:30:33.70] [droning bass note]
[00:30:36.93] [wind chimes ringing]
[00:30:39.93] - That's ready.
[00:30:42.27] - Remember when you planted so many tomato seeds?
[00:30:44.97] [laughs] This is the result.
[00:30:50.63] When Dylan was diagnosed with having schizophrenia, both he and I were very relieved that we finally understood what he had.
[00:31:00.17] It was still terrifying and horrible.
[00:31:04.17] You feel really hopeless.
[00:31:06.77] You feel helpless.
[00:31:09.80] Lots of these. - Look how many there are.
[00:31:12.17] - I know.
[00:31:13.50] Dylan was born in Thailand, and we actually went [laughs] and got him that day, and we've just embraced him with love ever since.
[00:31:25.90] - Want me to get it?
[00:31:27.10] - Yeah, I'm gonna let you carry it now.
[00:31:29.20] We went through some really rough years.
[00:31:31.73] As a parent, you are always trying to fix it, and, uh, and you can't.
[00:31:36.83] We go through these cycles-- good times and the bad times.
[00:31:41.17] - The relationship with my mom now is really good.
[00:31:42.93] She's a lot more relaxed and not as worried all the time.
[00:31:47.17] - Are these zucchinis? - Yeah, they were.
[00:31:50.20] - Mm. - Or no, yeah, those are the cucumbers.
[00:31:53.13] She doesn't even have to understand.
[00:31:55.00] That's the thing. There's nothing to understand.
[00:31:57.07] No one can understand. We don't understand it.
[00:31:58.83] They just have to accept it, though.
[00:32:00.80] [stirring orchestral music]
[00:32:03.57] My mother has to drive me to rehearsals and stuff.
[00:32:06.60] I don't have a license right now 'cause I got a DUI.
[00:32:09.23] - Okay, have a good evening, honey.
[00:32:11.00] - Yeah, I'll see you tonight afterwards.
[00:32:11.87] - Yeah, thanks.
[00:32:13.13] - Thanks a lot for the ride, Mom.
[00:32:13.93] - Yep. - Love you.
[00:32:16.57] - Me2/Orchestra-- I'm gonna get emotional now-- has changed his life.
[00:32:23.27] [voice breaking] It has given him a lifeline.
[00:32:25.77] He didn't have one before.
[00:32:28.50] ♪ ♪ - Before Me2/, I just didn't have the confidence to play anymore.
[00:32:35.23] I hadn't played, and I just didn't know if I could do it, and so as soon as I started playing again, I just started getting progressively better and more confident.
[00:32:42.73] [blues music]
[00:32:45.73] ♪ ♪ Sometimes, to get extra money, me and my friend Dan, we go out and we play music.
[00:32:51.70] ♪ ♪ There have been times when we've done really well and made, like, $30 or $40, but sometimes it's not so good, and you only make, like, $5 or $3 or-- we've lost money before 'cause we took the bus for 60¢, and then we didn't come out ahead.
[00:33:23.80] [bluesy tune]
[00:33:27.03] ♪ ♪ [serene orchestral music]
[00:33:36.67] ♪ ♪ - We're here to perform in South Station, which is one of Boston's big transportation hubs.
[00:33:52.57] The trains and the busses come and go from there, and the reason that we're playing there is because it's part of this international celebration called Bach in the Subways.
[00:34:01.67] Hundreds if not thousands of musicians all over the world who, on Bach's birthday, go into subways or, you know, any place where people are going to be surprised by hearing Bach's music.
[00:34:15.70] - It's lovely just to play for people who otherwise wouldn't go into a classical concert.
[00:34:21.97] - Hey, guys. - Hi, Caroline.
[00:34:23.67] - Oh, you're here. - Hi.
[00:34:24.77] Yay--sorry, dealing with signage.
[00:34:26.17] Welcome, good to see you.
[00:34:28.70] I'm glad you're here. Yay.
[00:34:31.50] [orchestra warming up]
[00:34:34.50] ♪ ♪ - Good evening, may I have your attention?
[00:34:49.70] Now boarding the track is the 8:45 p.m. train to Readville making the following station stops: Newmarket, Uphams Corner, Four Corners/Geneva, Talbot Avenue, Morton Street, Fairmount, and Readville.
[00:35:04.93] Please purchase your tickets prior...
[00:35:07.20] [bouncy orchestral music]
[00:35:10.20] ♪ ♪ - I hope that there's a little bit of a shock factor to it, that, you know, people might be walking by and listen, and they're hearing Bach, and it sounds beautiful and wonderful and then they look over at some of the signage, and they go, "Oh, so some of these people have mental illnesses." ♪ ♪ For many of them, this is the kind of thing that is very empowering.
[00:35:47.27] They may be, you know, experiencing a lot of really difficult things during the day depending on what type of challenges, what type of illness they're living with.
[00:35:56.03] [soaring flute music]
[00:35:59.90] But then to end their day being surrounded by people who understand them and are supportive and in a role where they're the performers, they're the stars-- I mean, that's great for anybody.
[00:36:10.77] ♪ ♪ [classical guitar melody]
[00:36:22.63] ♪ ♪ - Erik's my boyfriend.
[00:36:26.90] We've been together for closing in on three years now.
[00:36:31.07] We often come visit my parents for the weekend.
[00:36:33.13] ♪ ♪ - Anybody need some more? - Oh, okay.
[00:36:36.20] It's all we can do. Okay.
[00:36:40.10] - Sandra is marvelously independent at this point.
[00:36:43.17] This is the best that it's ever been.
[00:36:46.27] - If we have celery, put out a little bit of celery, and I can have celery.
[00:36:49.17] - Sandra was hospitalized for-- oh, it was a lot of times.
[00:36:54.90] You know, she would go in for a while, and they'd kind of balance her out a little bit, and back home, and Sandra missed a great deal of school.
[00:37:04.27] - It was disappointing to get calls from her and know that, after a lot of effort, her life was unraveling again.
[00:37:11.63] It was always a big uphill battle.
[00:37:15.90] - My relationship with my parents is the strongest it's ever been.
[00:37:19.93] I love that I can come here and be there for them too without just them having to go on a rescue mission to save me when I'm having a hard time.
[00:37:31.50] - Oh, it's nice to have someone else cook.
[00:37:35.10] - I was terrified about telling Erik about my diagnoses.
[00:37:38.80] I didn't know how he would respond.
[00:37:41.63] I had just terror going through my mind, and I was making the most pleading face at him-- just like, "Please understand me.
[00:37:50.27] Please understand. Please, please understand." - When I found out Sandy had a mental diagnosis, it didn't change any of my feelings for her.
[00:37:59.83] - He held my hand and gave me a hug and said that it was okay. [laughs]
[00:38:06.23] - I explained to her that I loved her and I wasn't going anywhere.
[00:38:10.73] ♪ ♪ - Yeah, the amount of medication they have me on right now is a lot, so...
[00:38:37.97] I'm going through a lot of coffee just to be able to make it through the day.
[00:38:43.57] I've been home for a couple weeks, and things are going all right.
[00:38:50.63] What really happened where I ended up being in a crisis and ended up being hospitalized was that I was dealing with my stress in ways that were not healthy for me.
[00:39:06.97] To name-- alcohol and marijuana.
[00:39:12.80] I guess there was something in me that kind of snapped.
[00:39:17.80] I opened the sliding door of my front porch, and I threw a chair out off of my front balcony.
[00:39:25.63] I ran down the stairs, and I punched three holes in the wall of the hall there, and then, uh, I smashed through the glass part of the, uh, front door with my elbow.
[00:39:39.63] There's some, at least, degree of embarrassment that comes with it, absolutely.
[00:39:45.00] But I just remind myself-- just sort of take one day at a time.
[00:39:51.60] [soft clarinet melody]
[00:39:54.60] ♪ ♪ Playing my clarinet is great now for me during this time.
[00:40:02.00] It's nice 'cause it's a peaceful thing to do.
[00:40:05.43] ♪ ♪ It's just me and the music.
[00:40:12.30] ♪ ♪ It's nice to know that, you know, orchestra's waiting for me when I am finally able to make it back to rehearsal.
[00:40:34.47] [serene orchestral music]
[00:40:37.27] ♪ ♪ - We start every concert season with a picnic.
[00:40:43.70] - Remember you need your hands. Don't get a blister.
[00:40:46.27] - It's just a fun social time, and we get ready for the season that way.
[00:40:50.77] - I'm the grill guy. I grill every year.
[00:40:52.37] This is my job.
[00:40:53.53] I'm gonna fire these things up.
[00:40:55.47] - Oof. - Do you wanna do it?
[00:40:56.70] Here, turn that, push the button.
[00:41:01.40] Look at that, voilà.
[00:41:03.00] - So you're the maestro. - That's why I'm the maestro.
[00:41:06.00] I'm doing really well right now.
[00:41:07.23] - Yeah, yeah.
[00:41:09.20] I think you've had the longest stretch.
[00:41:12.03] - I'm going on a couple years now, aren't I?
[00:41:14.00] - Mm, two years. - Two years.
[00:41:15.57] Yeah, I lost track. That's how long it's been.
[00:41:17.43] I don't even wear the shoes with no laces 'cause I'm afraid I'm gonna get yanked up and put in the state hospital 'cause they take the laces out of your shoes and take your shoes if you go to the state hospital 'cause they think you're gonna strangle yourself with 'em.
[00:41:27.43] And they take your belt too.
[00:41:29.27] - I've been doing a temp job since the beginning of August.
[00:41:34.10] We're basically moving parts of the UVM library from one place to another.
[00:41:40.53] It's kind of interesting work because, you know, I like working with books.
[00:41:44.23] - Don't look at me with that tone of voice.
[00:41:46.63] - Let's see-- oh, my God.
[00:41:49.03] [laughter]
[00:41:51.33] My relationship with Dylan is indescribable.
[00:41:53.43] Whenever we get together, there's always something unexpected.
[00:41:57.73] [coughs] - [chuckles]
[00:41:59.47] [both chuckling]
[00:42:06.10] - Hope you didn't mind.
[00:42:07.60] - [sighs] I'm sorry about that.
[00:42:10.23] Yeah.
[00:42:18.03] - No, can't do that. [chuckles]
[00:42:20.77] Hey. - Hello.
[00:42:22.57] I didn't get my ketchup on you, did I?
[00:42:24.23] - Hey. - Congratulations.
[00:42:25.40] - Congratulations. So nice to see you.
[00:42:27.27] - Nice to see you.
[00:42:29.07] - Marek! - Hey, Caroline.
[00:42:30.73] - It is so good to see you. - How's it been?
[00:42:32.23] So good to see you. - I've been great.
[00:42:34.17] I've known Marek since he was quite literally a scrawny little teenager.
[00:42:40.40] Loved him then, and I adore him now.
[00:42:43.13] - Hello. - Ronnie.
[00:42:44.70] - Hello. - How are you?
[00:42:46.40] - I'm good. - Excellent.
[00:42:48.17] - He's really had to overcome some serious obstacles.
[00:42:51.53] - When I first met Marek, there was immediately some kind of connection.
[00:42:55.47] He was very much like me.
[00:42:57.40] I realized my role with him was a mentor because I'd been through this cycle-- up and down and up and down-- so many times.
[00:43:07.27] ♪ ♪ - I'm definitely doing a lot better since I got out of the hospital.
[00:43:13.57] I've stopped self-medicating since then.
[00:43:16.57] - Good idea. - I think it's smart, yeah.
[00:43:18.53] - So when you self-medicate these incredibly strong, really controlled drugs, and then you're mixing it with stuff that you have no idea what it is-- you shouldn't do it.
[00:43:30.57] - I'm trying to learn something new every time this happens to me.
[00:43:34.33] - Right, it is a learning process.
[00:43:35.60] - Yeah.
[00:43:36.70] - You know, we can't cure bipolar, but we can manage it. - Mm-hmm.
[00:43:42.67] - So...
[00:43:45.67] - Yeah, exactly.
[00:43:47.43] [spirited orchestral music]
[00:43:50.23] ♪ ♪ - Okay, that's our best. - That's the best?
[00:44:00.33] That's it? - Yeah.
[00:44:01.50] - So before we break, I wanted to share some news with everyone.
[00:44:07.43] Dylan is in trouble and, um, has fallen under the influence, I think I can say, of some pretty bad people lately, and he has been using drugs.
[00:44:19.57] There was an incident over the weekend, and there was a weapon involved.
[00:44:23.20] He scared some people that live close to him.
[00:44:25.73] He was not threatening anyone else.
[00:44:28.33] If anything, they were afraid he was gonna hurt himself.
[00:44:31.00] [tense music]
[00:44:32.33] Police had taken him into custody and the following morning he was arraigned, and the judge apparently ordered that he undergo a psychiatric evaluation.
[00:44:44.37] At this point, as best we know, he's being held in a correctional facility in northwest Vermont.
[00:44:50.07] I want us all to show some support for him, and the only way I could think of to do that was to make a card. [laughs]
[00:44:56.73] So we're gonna sign a card and send it to prison.
[00:44:59.67] - Myself, having just come out of the hospital for mental health issues, I can imagine what he's been going through.
[00:45:10.53] - I love Dylan.
[00:45:13.37] I love him.
[00:45:14.57] I went to see him on Church Street when he played, and he wasn't okay.
[00:45:19.63] - But we want him back. He will be.
[00:45:24.10] - I think the first time that I noticed that Dylan was off was at the picnic.
[00:45:30.53] He was extremely hyper, then he missed rehearsal, and I thought, "Something's up." - Whenever he comes back, he will be welcome back because we love him.
[00:45:41.53] [classical guitar melody]
[00:45:43.07] - Dylan has a mental illness, and if you add substance abuse and drugs, it's just devastating, and he goes off the rails, and that's what happened.
[00:45:52.70] ♪ ♪ I haven't seen him yet.
[00:46:04.10] Uh...this will be the first time in about three weeks.
[00:46:09.57] This is his fourth hospitalization.
[00:46:12.50] I'm hoping the visit goes well.
[00:46:14.33] I know he'll be happy to get the string bass.
[00:46:23.23] I'm just seeing this more as a circle.
[00:46:27.10] You have hope and then you have disappointment and then devastation, and you're hoping to get back to that hope.
[00:46:35.33] [stirring orchestral music]
[00:46:38.13] ♪ ♪ - I recently learned that I was accepted at the University of New Mexico to restart my graduate education and finish this time.
[00:47:01.00] - So I don't know how much people are clued in to this, but tonight is Corey's last rehearsal with us.
[00:47:07.27] She's going off to grad school-- I know-- so it's her last rehearsal, so there's cake.
[00:47:11.60] [applause]
[00:47:13.27] There's good luck Corey cake!
[00:47:15.50] I'd like to think that Me2/ has played some role in building Corey's confidence and certainly helping her to feel as though she can be open about her illness, and that that's going to help her succeed at grad school.
[00:47:28.27] Can you eat ice cream cake? - Oh, yeah.
[00:47:30.00] It's ice cream cake? - It's ice cream cake?
[00:47:31.23] - It's totally ice cream cake. - Oh, that's awesome.
[00:47:33.40] - Score? Okay, score.
[00:47:34.40] - Score is good. - Yay, yay.
[00:47:37.03] This is about to get really messy.
[00:47:40.33] - I'll really miss you.
[00:47:44.27] - I will--this is the thing-- as I've said multiple times, this is the thing I will miss most about Boston except for living close to my family.
[00:47:50.77] - Yeah.
[00:47:52.10] Whenever I see someone grow and go away, I'm sad to see them go, and I'm also happy that they're going--both.
[00:48:03.13] - What's really poignant to me is, every week, when I watch Corey with her new group of Me2/ friends walking out of the church together, and thinking that these people didn't know each other a couple years ago, that they really wouldn't have had a reason to even know each other, but it was this group that brought them together, and I'll miss seeing Corey in the middle of that.
[00:48:24.40] [bright orchestration]
[00:48:28.10] ♪ ♪ - Ready?
[00:48:44.63] 'Cause we've got to get our [murmuring].
[00:48:46.67] We were invited by Patrick Kennedy and his staff to give a presentation to this incredible group of mental health advocates, politicians, businesspeople, just a room full of people who are really interested in advancing the cause of mental wellness.
[00:49:05.00] - Part of the change in attitudes that we need as a nation is we need to understand that it's all of us that has to be part of the solution because there but for the grace of God goes one of our family members.
[00:49:22.70] There but for the grace of God goes one of us.
[00:49:26.57] - Patrick Kennedy himself was diagnosed with bipolar disorder several years back as well as co-occurring addiction, and he really used that as an opportunity to leave the world of politics and create the Kennedy Forum so that he could use his experiences to help others.
[00:49:45.53] I think Ronald feels a special affinity to Patrick because they both share a diagnosis of bipolar disorder, and they just--they seem to really spark when they're together.
[00:49:55.67] - I love the message that you've created through your orchestra.
[00:50:00.27] It's the kind of powerful message we need for society to change their attitudes towards these illnesses and the people who are suffering from these illnesses, because we're people with mental illness.
[00:50:13.03] - Right.
[00:50:14.27] - You know, we're not the disease.
[00:50:16.87] - My name is Ronald.
[00:50:18.50] I have been living with bipolar disorder for 40 years.
[00:50:23.67] When I was 20 years old, I made my Lincoln Center debut.
[00:50:27.67] The thing about it was instead of using a baton, I used a blue pencil because I felt I could draw better color out of the orchestra by using it.
[00:50:41.80] I thought it was a roaring success, but the problem was that everyone around me thought that there was something terribly wrong here.
[00:50:49.57] The constant was my conducting, um, my musicianship.
[00:50:56.73] But my success and failure depended on where I was in the bipolar cycle.
[00:51:03.10] I always dreamt of having an orchestra-- one where I could simply be myself and then also continue to grow as a musician and then also as a human being.
[00:51:17.20] - This feels like a watershed event for us.
[00:51:19.27] It is such an honor to be with all of these people who are really at the forefront of improving the lives of people living with mental illness.
[00:51:30.53] I mean, we're surrounded by heroes, basically, and to be included in that crowd is thrilling.
[00:51:38.00] - I would have never dreamed that an idea like this could take off. It's just so beautiful...
[00:51:42.50] - Me either. - And incredible.
[00:51:43.73] - It wasn't easy.
[00:51:45.67] I feel like now I'm being recognized for doing something much bigger in scope than before.
[00:51:50.93] It was really to become the best conductor, but now I'm being recognized for really helping people.
[00:51:57.23] I'm finding it-- it's much more fulfilling.
[00:52:03.80] [stirring orchestral music]
[00:52:06.60] ♪ ♪ - Hey, Caroline.
[00:52:13.13] How you doing? - What, is it winter outside?
[00:52:15.23] Where'd you get that hat? [laughs]
[00:52:23.60] How you feeling? - Good.
[00:52:25.17] - Good.
[00:52:26.87] - I was in the state hospital about three months.
[00:52:28.57] This isn't the first time I've, like, had to leave the orchestra for a season.
[00:52:32.00] I left for a season one time before.
[00:52:34.67] - They're gonna be glad to see your fuzzy face tonight.
[00:52:36.63] - Yeah, right. - All right.
[00:52:38.90] Welcome--different rehearsal space for you.
[00:52:42.90] Yeah, I'll let you head to the corner.
[00:52:44.90] - I'll head to the corner. - Head to Shannon.
[00:52:46.67] - Hey, Dylan.
[00:52:48.87] - Hey, Ron. - How are you?
[00:52:50.50] - Good.
[00:52:53.83] It's almost expected that you're not gonna be there all the time.
[00:52:57.20] How you doing? - Hey, Dylan!
[00:52:59.03] [overlapping greetings]
[00:53:00.20] - Yeah, I got in a lot of trouble.
[00:53:02.23] - What? - I got in a lot of trouble.
[00:53:04.20] - Oh, we all do from time to time.
[00:53:06.00] - Oh, my God.
[00:53:07.23] I think it's just unique-- our orchestra-- that we're just so accepted.
[00:53:11.80] - We're going to do Schubert today, and, um, but before we start rehearsing, Dylan is back. - Whoo-hoo!
[00:53:23.60] - Like phoenix, he rises again. - Rise again.
[00:53:26.03] [laughter]
[00:53:27.23] - Yeah, yeah.
[00:53:30.47] Okay, we're very happy to see you again.
[00:53:32.40] - I'm happy to be out.
[00:53:34.00] - Schubert--let's start in the second movement.
[00:53:36.20] One, two, three.
[00:53:40.47] [rousing orchestral music]
[00:53:43.47] ♪ ♪ I was so happy to look over there and see Dylan.
[00:53:49.73] He struggles, and he overcomes, and he struggles, and he overcomes, but he keeps coming back, and that's the main thing.
[00:53:55.63] ♪ ♪ - Ronald and Caroline visited me while I was in the hospital, and I talked to them on the phone.
[00:54:06.53] ♪ ♪ - I was his first call every morning--like, 6:00 a.m.
[00:54:11.67] He wrote me some letters. He wrote me some poetry.
[00:54:16.47] He kept in touch. We kept in touch.
[00:54:18.40] We had long, long talks.
[00:54:20.17] One, two, ba, ba, ba, bum. Okay?
[00:54:23.67] So tempo, one, two, and you guys come on two.
[00:54:28.67] One, two.
[00:54:30.07] ♪ ♪ - There was one moment that I will never forget because we were talking about the potential criminal charges against him.
[00:54:40.77] There was a weapon involved, and he said the big news was that he was not going to be charged with anything because they had deemed him incompetent.
[00:54:54.73] And it's hard to explain, but the look on his face, and his voice kind of cracked when he said, "So I'm incompetent." And the labels sometimes hurt a lot.
[00:55:09.07] ♪ ♪ [bouncy orchestral music]
[00:55:19.00] ♪ ♪ - Hi, there. - Hi, guys.
[00:55:22.27] What you need to do if you have any cell phones, keys, lighters, cigarettes, any sharp objects, you need to give them to me.
[00:55:31.10] [sensor blaring]
[00:55:32.33] [chatter, laughter]
[00:55:34.33] [sensor continues blaring]
[00:55:38.40] [sensor ceases blaring]
[00:55:39.43] - There you go.
[00:55:40.73] - Hello!
[00:55:42.40] Hi, everybody.
[00:55:44.50] Welcome to Woodside.
[00:55:46.70] Anyhow, I know that for many of you, this is your first time in the facility, so welcome.
[00:55:53.00] Just a little bit of great news before we get started.
[00:55:56.60] Last night, our board of directors voted to approve bringing Me2/ Boston up here to Burlington to perform side by side with all of us on the stage at the Flynn Center for the Performing Arts at the end of June.
[00:56:09.73] [all cheering]
[00:56:11.57] So I'm very excited about that.
[00:56:14.10] For Ronald and I, this is like bringing our two worlds together, which is mind-blowing and very cool.
[00:56:22.47] So early on, we decided that we wanted to present a good number of our performances in places where people are living with some type of mental illness and/or addiction, so we perform in a lot of correctional facilities, juvenile rehabilitation centers, anyplace we can reach people who might be living with a diagnosis of bipolar disorder, addiction, schizophrenia.
[00:56:47.10] My name is Caroline, and what we really wanna show people when we perform is the fact that people with and without a diagnosis can work really well together, and I hope you enjoy it.
[00:57:01.40] [applause]
[00:57:10.10] [spirited orchestral music]
[00:57:13.10] ♪ ♪ - It's very rewarding for me to play for young people being treated for mental illness.
[00:57:30.53] After a certain point, I can just feel this kind of warmth on my back.
[00:57:36.10] I can see these people are kind of jazzed.
[00:57:38.77] ♪ ♪ - I've been incarcerated, so I know what it feels like to be locked up and look forward to going to different events and stuff, so I know they appreciate seeing us.
[00:58:02.53] ♪ ♪ - I thought it'd be, like, scary to perform in front of an audience, especially at a jail, which is a really stigmatized place.
[00:58:30.23] However, as soon as I put my bow on my string, it's almost like that all went away.
[00:58:35.27] ♪ ♪ - The concerts that have meant the most have been inside the prison and inside the juvenile facility.
[00:58:50.43] ♪ ♪ - I want people to know and to understand-- we really are all the same and everybody has difficult things in their life.
[00:59:20.07] ♪ ♪ [applause]
[00:59:32.70] - So we wanna take just a few minutes to answer any questions you might have about us, about the music, about what you see going on over here.
[00:59:41.33] - I got a question. - Yes.
[00:59:43.10] - Is it hard to be a conductor?
[00:59:46.10] - No. - Okay, good.
[00:59:48.10] [laughter]
[00:59:49.50] - Do you wanna try? - Yeah, I'd love to try.
[00:59:52.30] Let's do Brahms for him-- Brahms.
[00:59:54.40] - All right, we're totally unplugged now.
[00:59:56.17] - I'll just start you off.
[00:59:57.53] [laughter]
[00:59:58.53] You just do this. You just do this.
[01:00:00.47] Listen, listen to me, no, no. - Okay.
[01:00:01.67] - You just go down, up, okay?
[01:00:04.20] And I'll help. I'll help you with it, okay?
[01:00:06.73] Ready? Tempo is one, two, one, and...
[01:00:10.43] [rousing orchestral music]
[01:00:13.23] ♪ ♪ Immediately, Leonard Bernstein told me, "To be a conductor, all you need to do is feel something and show it." So I said to this kid, "You know, you just have to experience it." ♪ ♪ These peak moments, um, are the moments that I, as a musician but also as a human being, I wait for.
[01:00:46.03] - Very few people get the opportunity to stand on the conductor's podium in front of an orchestra.
[01:00:52.17] I've never seen Ronald do that with an audience member, with a teenager, with anybody.
[01:00:57.30] I guess that's one of the things I love about Ronald.
[01:00:58.70] I never know what to expect.
[01:01:01.03] ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause]
[01:01:19.57] - Congratulations. Thank you.
[01:01:26.27] - I can't wait to be a conductor though, when I get older. - Yeah--how old are you?
[01:01:31.17] - 17. - Oh, I'm three times your age.
[01:01:33.43] - I know. - Takes a while.
[01:01:34.53] - All right, I understand.
[01:01:36.37] - Okay, I'll help you put it on your résumé.
[01:01:38.43] - Oh, I will. - Any other questions?
[01:01:40.77] [laughter]
[01:01:45.33] - I had to put both of the orchestras on the wall because I needed the visual.
[01:01:48.53] - Okay. - So we're adding-- should have four trumpets onstage.
[01:01:54.17] - We announced that we're bringing the two orchestras together for a joint concert.
[01:02:03.27] - I'm thinking ahead and trying to think about how we merge these on a stage.
[01:02:09.67] Start filling out the strings.
[01:02:15.67] There's also something else about this concert that's really special and poignant, I think, and that is that it's taking place on the same stage where Ronald conducted his final concert before losing his last professional job.
[01:02:31.57] - So for me, it will have a special emotional significance-- enormous emotional significance.
[01:02:40.37] - They're gonna have a blast.
[01:02:46.07] [orchestra warming up]
[01:02:49.07] ♪ ♪ - I'm a little nervous because I'm not sure if I practiced well enough.
[01:02:58.23] - I'm really excited about the concert.
[01:02:59.87] I think it's gonna be great to play with the Boston Orchestra.
[01:03:02.60] ♪ ♪ - Hello, everybody.
[01:03:08.77] Can we have quiet in the rehearsal studio?
[01:03:13.07] New strings, you better play...
[01:03:14.87] [humming enthusiastically]
[01:03:16.57] And everybody, long quarter notes, okay, okay.
[01:03:18.63] One, two.
[01:03:19.97] [spirited orchestral music]
[01:03:22.97] ♪ ♪ You were getting slow.
[01:03:36.10] La, da, da, da, doo, da, da, da.
[01:03:37.60] These people, I feel-- - We're gonna die.
[01:03:39.23] - They're just like, "Oh, my God." [laughter]
[01:03:43.60] ♪ ♪ Hold on, sorry, yeah, it's a little bit flat.
[01:03:56.13] I need... [humming melody]
[01:04:00.73] Go to the accent of the sixteenth note.
[01:04:02.57] [humming melody]
[01:04:07.70] And then listen...
[01:04:09.03] [humming melody]
[01:04:11.10] Okay, flat.
[01:04:12.53] [humming melody]
[01:04:13.93] Here... [humming melody]
[01:04:17.80] ♪ ♪ - I am so excited for the big concert.
[01:04:24.07] I can't wait to play with the Vermont Orchestra.
[01:04:26.97] ♪ ♪ - Very good, very good.
[01:04:38.93] I don't wanna touch this right here because it'll be so different in the hall.
[01:04:44.57] So let's go-- let's go to Tchaikovsky.
[01:04:47.57] - Today it feels really good going into it, but I have to be honest.
[01:04:50.63] I think I'm experiencing more anxiety than I really wanted to admit.
[01:04:54.20] - It's gonna be great. [chuckles]
[01:04:55.83] Yeah, it's a dream.
[01:04:59.73] We never thought we would get one--now two.
[01:05:04.23] Yeah, I never thought this would happen.
[01:05:09.23] - We were hoping that Marek was gonna make it to the rehearsal tonight, and he didn't.
[01:05:14.23] He was hospitalized a couple of weeks ago.
[01:05:16.57] This was a relatively short hospital stay-- much shorter than his last stay.
[01:05:21.73] I have no idea if we will see Marek this weekend for the concert at all, and I've made it clear to him that that's his call, so we'll just have to wait and see.
[01:05:32.57] [rousing orchestral music]
[01:05:35.57] ♪ ♪ - I'm Walter Parker, and I'm speaking with Caroline Whiddon, executive director of Me2/, which will have two orchestras, the Boston orchestra and the Burlington orchestra, performing together Sunday afternoon at 3:00 at the Flynn Center. Good morning, Caroline.
[01:05:53.50] - Good morning, Walter. It's great to be here.
[01:05:54.93] - So what is the mission of Me2/?
[01:05:57.80] - A lot of people have ideas about what it means to have schizophrenia or to live with an addiction, and, all too often, those ideas are shaped by what they've seen in the media, and those are the sensational stories.
[01:06:12.83] You know, you don't hear about the people who are living with bipolar disorder who get up every day and go to their full-time job and have wonderful family lives, and, you know, that doesn't make the news.
[01:06:23.87] But really, that's the more common story.
[01:06:26.93] - Now, this apparently has really touched a nerve so to speak.
[01:06:31.80] - It's really so gratifying.
[01:06:33.83] I mean, music has long been associated with various social justice missions and messages, but nobody has done anything quite like this with mental health.
[01:06:44.80] - Good luck with the concert on Sunday.
[01:06:46.83] That's Sunday at 3:00 at the Flynn Center in Burlington.
[01:06:49.57] [serene orchestral music]
[01:06:52.53] ♪ ♪ - The Flynn Center-- it's historic, art deco, beautiful with so much history and so much prominence in our community that being onstage there is really special.
[01:07:07.50] - There's a tradition that began with Toscanini that the conductor had to be one hour in the house before the concert start, so I always do that.
[01:07:19.27] I can't believe we're here again.
[01:07:22.17] Really.
[01:07:23.67] - It's a good day. - Thank you for everything.
[01:07:28.20] - It's a very good day. - Yeah.
[01:07:30.53] - I'm so proud of Ronald.
[01:07:32.87] He is sweet and gentle, and yet he is the toughest person I know.
[01:07:39.60] He is a true survivor, and six years ago, when he left the Flynn after his last performance there, he really didn't know if he would ever make it back to the Flynn or to any other stage.
[01:07:55.67] [indistinct chatter]
[01:07:59.87] - I'm just so proud of every single person up on that stage.
[01:08:03.53] A lot of them have had a lot of struggles this year, and Dylan came back after a difficult fall and really put his heart into the preparation and the concert.
[01:08:14.50] - Sandy was really excited about us coming.
[01:08:16.17] We are seriously proud of Sandra.
[01:08:20.00] It's what she's gone through.
[01:08:24.17] - She had such a rough time in high school and in junior high.
[01:08:29.83] To see her succeed, working, in an orchestra, playing music...
[01:08:44.93] - I am feeling nervous for the concert, but I know that when I get on stage that I won't be quite so nervous anymore.
[01:08:52.70] I'll just be right in the game.
[01:08:54.83] I'm ready to be doing this, and I'm excited.
[01:08:59.70] - You look beautiful. - Yeah--thank you so much.
[01:09:03.13] - So I haven't heard a word from Marek.
[01:09:05.70] I don't think we'll see him today.
[01:09:07.23] We have seats saved for him, and it would be great if he shows up, but I'm not holding out hope.
[01:09:14.23] [orchestra warming up]
[01:09:32.27] - Okay, I cannot... I cannot put these on.
[01:09:35.73] [muffled warm-up music playing]
[01:09:40.00] Nothing makes me anxious except these buttons.
[01:09:47.13] [orchestra continues warming up]
[01:09:52.77] - Honey, your tie's a mess. Come here.
[01:09:56.40] I don't even know how this is attached under there.
[01:10:00.00] I know it's Velcro. [chuckles]
[01:10:02.53] You're good. You're beautiful.
[01:10:05.03] - You're not so bad yourself, honey.
[01:10:06.73] - Oh, thank you.
[01:10:08.60] All right, are you gonna come out in a couple of minutes to the other side?
[01:10:12.07] - Uh-huh.
[01:10:14.53] - Okay, I'll see you over there.
[01:10:16.23] - I just want-- - We'll try not to start without you.
[01:10:18.33] - I want my water.
[01:10:22.57] Ready to go.
[01:10:26.70] This... so this is--this is not.
[01:10:30.30] This is backstage, okay.
[01:10:34.67] All set.
[01:10:41.50] So we have everything? - Okay.
[01:10:43.47] - So... - Let's do it.
[01:10:48.10] - Yeah, fine. - All right.
[01:10:51.07] [applause]
[01:10:53.33] Hello.
[01:11:01.07] Hi, everyone.
[01:11:02.73] My name is Caroline Whiddon, and I am the co-founder and executive director of Me2/, and it is my incredible pleasure to introduce you to the combined Me2/Orchestras of Boston, Massachusetts and Burlington, Vermont.
[01:11:17.60] [cheers and applause]
[01:11:26.63] Approximately half of the musicians on stage today are living with some type of mental health diagnosis.
[01:11:33.63] When we come together to rehearse, we do that in a stigma-free zone.
[01:11:40.27] Nobody is being judged because we recognize that these diseases are just that--diseases.
[01:11:46.40] Mental illness is not a character flaw.
[01:11:50.67] Through patience and compassion the members of Me2/ are orchestrating change in each other's lives.
[01:11:57.37] We hope that you will be inspired by our music and the musicians who are speaking today and that when you leave the Flynn Center and you pour out into the streets of Burlington, you'll carry with you a deepened understanding of what it truly means to live with a mental illness.
[01:12:11.23] Thank you.
[01:12:13.00] [applause]
[01:12:33.17] [spirited orchestral music]
[01:12:36.17] ♪ ♪ The message we want to get across is that mentally ill people have capabilities, that we're there in an orchestra producing beautiful music and we have lots of abilities.
[01:13:02.27] Just don't shut us out.
[01:13:04.00] ♪ ♪ - It's indescribable the joy and fulfillment that I get from working with the Me2/Orchestra.
[01:13:15.07] Every rehearsal builds and builds and builds to the concert.
[01:13:18.73] The joy of that journey is just amazing.
[01:13:23.70] ♪ ♪ [applause]
[01:13:43.00] - My name is Carole Furr, and I play the French horn and I have mental illness.
[01:13:51.07] Over the last 20 years, I've been in and out of jobs more often than I want to count.
[01:13:56.47] I wish I'd been able to tell them that I have a disability.
[01:14:01.10] But I was afraid to talk about it, worried about how they'd react.
[01:14:06.27] Worried that I'd be fired, that I'd be pushed into a corner and ignored.
[01:14:13.07] As soon as I heard about Me2/Orchestra when it was first coming together, I knew I wanted to be a part of it.
[01:14:20.00] But back then, I was still so worried about coming out as mentally ill that I didn't want to be included in publicity photographs or have my name used in stories in the newspaper and on VPR.
[01:14:35.40] And now, how could I be more public standing here in front of the orchestra telling all of you...
[01:14:45.13] about my experiences?
[01:14:47.77] What happened to change me so much?
[01:14:52.70] Me2/ happened.
[01:14:54.73] It made a huge difference in my life.
[01:14:58.53] Me2/ gave me a safe place to talk about my illness and share my struggles.
[01:15:05.50] Me/2 Orchestra came together to make great music but also to serve as an example, an example that mental illness doesn't have to be shameful and something to hide and never talk about.
[01:15:19.40] I learned that I am not defined by my illness.
[01:15:24.00] I am so much more, and I learned that making music together makes things better for everyone.
[01:15:33.50] Thank you so much for coming today.
[01:15:36.13] [applause]
[01:15:59.40] [rousing orchestral music]
[01:16:02.40] ♪ ♪ - Well, there's nothing I would rather do than be in the wings watching my husband conduct.
[01:16:31.53] That's Ronald in his element.
[01:16:33.77] It's what he loves more than anything.
[01:16:35.70] ♪ ♪ - I really enjoy being part of Me2/'s mission.
[01:16:59.57] Everybody in the orchestra is on the same team.
[01:17:01.67] So are the people in the audience.
[01:17:03.30] ♪ ♪ - Being in the orchestra has changed my life completely.
[01:17:22.33] It's given me a sense of purpose.
[01:17:24.03] It gave me an identity again, which I was missing since I'd been diagnosed.
[01:17:28.27] Now when people ask me "What are you doing?" I can say I'm playing bass for the Me2/Orchestra.
[01:17:33.10] ♪ ♪ - Me2/Orchestra has been this place where people with mental illness can show that no matter what your diagnosis, just be loud just to say, "I have bipolar disorder," or to say, "I have schizophrenia, and I'm living." ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ [soft end notes]
[01:19:32.63] [applause]
[01:19:42.50] [triumphant orchestral music]
[01:19:45.30] ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ - I'd never contemplated the Me2/Orchestras being this vehicle for social change.
[01:21:39.70] And Ronald had this wild idea, and now we see it changing people, taking them from this place of darkness into a place of strength and confidence.
[01:21:50.07] ♪ ♪ - I want the audience to walk away feeling like, "Wow, people with mental illness "can really work together and can make something "really, incredibly beautiful.
[01:22:22.60] "Any stigma that I ever had for people with mental illness, I'm just so ready to let it go." ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause]
[01:23:10.60] [joyful orchestral music]
[01:23:13.63] ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪