00:00:17.428 --> 00:00:21.011
(washing machine whirring)

00:00:23.910 --> 00:00:26.430
- [Rachel] Many years ago, I met someone

00:00:26.430 --> 00:00:28.233
who couldn't use a washing machine.

00:00:29.310 --> 00:00:32.433
In his mind, he saw his
daughter trapped inside,

00:00:35.610 --> 00:00:37.200
her lungs filled with water

00:00:37.200 --> 00:00:39.333
and her body banged against the machine.

00:00:41.580 --> 00:00:44.880
No matter how many times he
checked that she wasn't inside,

00:00:44.880 --> 00:00:47.163
he couldn't shake the fear of losing her.

00:00:49.200 --> 00:00:52.110
The only way he found
relief was when his mind

00:00:52.110 --> 00:00:53.643
finally let her drown.

00:00:55.186 --> 00:00:58.769
(washing machine whirring)

00:01:16.663 --> 00:01:19.830
(raindrops pattering)

00:01:26.951 --> 00:01:30.034
(patrons chattering)

00:01:40.350 --> 00:01:41.183
- Feels nice.

00:01:44.640 --> 00:01:45.473
- Why'd you stop going down?

00:01:45.473 --> 00:01:47.223
You always used to go down.

00:01:47.223 --> 00:01:49.710
- That's really shocking.

00:01:49.710 --> 00:01:50.940
- I'm toasting to you.

00:01:50.940 --> 00:01:52.790
I'm toasting to Turks when I go down.

00:01:54.151 --> 00:01:56.553
So like to Turks.
- Oh no way.

00:01:59.973 --> 00:02:02.481
- [Patron #1] Well, I met her last night.

00:02:02.481 --> 00:02:05.564
(patrons chattering)

00:02:14.940 --> 00:02:17.430
- My family is from India,

00:02:17.430 --> 00:02:20.940
but me and my brothers all
grew up in Long Island.

00:02:20.940 --> 00:02:23.940
I did grow up, you know,
in the Hindu tradition

00:02:23.940 --> 00:02:27.003
and, you know, we'd go to
temple as much as we could.

00:02:27.927 --> 00:02:32.927
(bells chiming)
(tense music)

00:02:37.200 --> 00:02:38.880
At the time, I firmly believed

00:02:38.880 --> 00:02:40.143
in God and my religion.

00:02:41.136 --> 00:02:42.563
But it was mostly like fear based.

00:02:44.400 --> 00:02:47.583
I feared punishment for not
like being a good person.

00:02:52.200 --> 00:02:53.550
I think I was 12.

00:02:53.550 --> 00:02:56.820
There was a prayer that I was
supposed to do every night

00:02:56.820 --> 00:02:59.220
and I was supposed to do it 10 times.

00:02:59.220 --> 00:03:02.157
I became obsessed with this number 10.

00:03:02.157 --> 00:03:05.097
(razor whirring)

00:03:05.097 --> 00:03:08.070
And I feared doing it wrong

00:03:08.070 --> 00:03:13.020
and the consequences were some
sort of eternal damnation,

00:03:13.020 --> 00:03:14.793
you know, just one of those things.

00:03:16.594 --> 00:03:19.950
(razor whirring)

00:03:19.950 --> 00:03:21.510
I would think to myself
like, well how do I know

00:03:21.510 --> 00:03:22.950
I didn't do it nine times?

00:03:22.950 --> 00:03:25.650
How do I know I didn't say it 11 times?

00:03:25.650 --> 00:03:27.210
Let me just do it again,
I'm just gonna start over.

00:03:27.210 --> 00:03:28.290
I'll do it 10 times.

00:03:28.290 --> 00:03:31.170
Go like one, two and
then I'd go through again

00:03:31.170 --> 00:03:32.430
and do it 10 more times

00:03:32.430 --> 00:03:33.420
and then I would be like,

00:03:33.420 --> 00:03:35.820
I still don't know if I said
it nine times or 11 times.

00:03:35.820 --> 00:03:36.840
So then I would do it again.

00:03:36.840 --> 00:03:39.613
One, two, three, four.

00:03:39.613 --> 00:03:42.720
Before I know it, an hour has passed

00:03:42.720 --> 00:03:44.070
and I'm still like sitting.

00:03:45.012 --> 00:03:47.970
(razor whirring)

00:03:47.970 --> 00:03:49.740
This is like every night.

00:03:49.740 --> 00:03:50.573
One.

00:03:50.573 --> 00:03:51.510
Two.

00:03:51.510 --> 00:03:52.470
Three.

00:03:52.470 --> 00:03:53.303
Four.

00:03:53.303 --> 00:03:54.136
Five.

00:03:54.136 --> 00:03:57.933
It's just me in a room, nine, 10,

00:03:57.933 --> 00:04:01.800
with this higher power that
I believed in at the time.

00:04:01.800 --> 00:04:03.783
I believed had the power to destroy me.

00:04:08.850 --> 00:04:10.710
It's like one of the earliest obsessions

00:04:10.710 --> 00:04:12.260
and compulsions I can remember.

00:04:22.890 --> 00:04:25.500
- I've known Vinay for
about four years now.

00:04:25.500 --> 00:04:27.390
Prior to meeting, Vinay, I was
definitely one of the folks

00:04:27.390 --> 00:04:30.630
that thought that, you know,
OCD was washing the hands,

00:04:30.630 --> 00:04:33.630
the light switching on and
off, don't touch any of the,

00:04:33.630 --> 00:04:35.850
you know, cracks between the curbs,

00:04:35.850 --> 00:04:37.550
media and movies, whatever it was.

00:04:39.390 --> 00:04:42.363
So when Vinay really started
talking to me about his OCD,

00:04:44.100 --> 00:04:46.620
it did take me aback in a lot of ways

00:04:46.620 --> 00:04:48.060
because it was just conversations

00:04:48.060 --> 00:04:50.881
I never had before with anyone.

00:04:50.881 --> 00:04:53.464
(upbeat music)

00:05:08.460 --> 00:05:11.130
- Most people when they say I'm so OCD,

00:05:11.130 --> 00:05:13.950
don't mean to offend
someone, but they don't

00:05:13.950 --> 00:05:15.240
fully understand the disorder

00:05:15.240 --> 00:05:17.730
or recognize how detrimental
the comments might be

00:05:17.730 --> 00:05:20.130
to someone who actually
lives with the disorder.

00:05:21.015 --> 00:05:23.515
(tense music)

00:05:32.340 --> 00:05:35.540
Obsessive compulsive
disorder known as OCD,

00:05:35.540 --> 00:05:38.830
is a condition in which a
person has recurring obsessions

00:05:40.710 --> 00:05:42.153
that cause great anxiety.

00:05:44.100 --> 00:05:45.360
To calm their anxiety,

00:05:45.360 --> 00:05:48.010
they engage in compulsions.
- One, two, three, four.

00:05:50.153 --> 00:05:53.070
- However, because of the
nature of the disorder,

00:05:53.070 --> 00:05:55.800
this only provides temporary relief

00:05:55.800 --> 00:05:57.393
and the obsessions soon return.

00:05:58.230 --> 00:06:02.280
For example, if someone fears
germs, this could lead them

00:06:02.280 --> 00:06:04.560
to washing their hands repeatedly.

00:06:04.560 --> 00:06:06.570
This creates a vicious
cycle that can go on

00:06:06.570 --> 00:06:07.953
for hours and hours.

00:06:08.975 --> 00:06:13.975
(tense music)
(clock ticking)

00:06:18.570 --> 00:06:21.153
(bright music)

00:06:39.060 --> 00:06:41.110
- I'm doing that.
- Give you some light.

00:06:44.220 --> 00:06:45.393
- Put some music on.

00:06:49.050 --> 00:06:51.873
- Natasha and I met actually
in the seventh grade.

00:06:52.710 --> 00:06:54.990
She had a bright blue shirt.

00:06:54.990 --> 00:06:56.070
I still joke with her

00:06:56.070 --> 00:06:58.883
and remember to this day I
remember what she was wearing.

00:07:01.200 --> 00:07:04.320
She was just a person that you
genuinely wanted to be around

00:07:04.320 --> 00:07:07.380
just because she had that
carefree, loving spirit

00:07:07.380 --> 00:07:10.380
and kind of we joke and say
the Puerto Rican in her.

00:07:10.380 --> 00:07:12.420
She didn't really care
what anybody had to say

00:07:12.420 --> 00:07:13.530
or what anybody thought.

00:07:13.530 --> 00:07:15.230
She was just gonna be who she was.

00:07:17.835 --> 00:07:18.668
- [Interviewer] I'm just curious,

00:07:18.668 --> 00:07:20.304
did you have any OCD symptoms when you

00:07:20.304 --> 00:07:22.366
were growing up, when you were a kid?

00:07:22.366 --> 00:07:23.820
- Not when I was a kid.
- Because your OCD

00:07:23.820 --> 00:07:26.433
really hit when you
watched those two movies.

00:07:32.580 --> 00:07:34.740
- A couple of years after we got married,

00:07:34.740 --> 00:07:37.080
when I was 23 years old, Bassanio and I

00:07:37.080 --> 00:07:38.389
were hanging out like,

00:07:38.389 --> 00:07:41.310
like we did every other Saturday night.

00:07:41.310 --> 00:07:43.800
We ordered Chinese food and we went

00:07:43.800 --> 00:07:45.750
and picked up a couple movies to watch.

00:07:47.107 --> 00:07:49.774
(disc whirring)

00:07:55.230 --> 00:07:57.873
We ended up watching a
movie called Precious.

00:08:01.824 --> 00:08:06.063
♪ Love we spread ♪
- And Paranormal Activity.

00:08:07.075 --> 00:08:09.575
(tense music)

00:08:14.190 --> 00:08:16.593
Had a normal evening,
nothing was different.

00:08:18.840 --> 00:08:23.050
The next day we woke up, it
was a cold Sunday morning

00:08:26.820 --> 00:08:30.210
and all of a sudden, horrific,

00:08:30.210 --> 00:08:33.760
intrusive thoughts just
started infiltrating my brain

00:08:38.520 --> 00:08:43.413
from every direction, every 10 seconds.

00:08:45.510 --> 00:08:48.210
They were thoughts that I
would never choose to have

00:08:48.210 --> 00:08:50.913
that I didn't believe were appropriate.

00:08:53.706 --> 00:08:57.450
They were sexual, violent, nauseating,

00:08:57.450 --> 00:08:58.983
horrific thoughts.

00:09:01.410 --> 00:09:03.310
It was frightening, it was disturbing.

00:09:08.460 --> 00:09:10.020
I remember just being in my bedroom

00:09:10.020 --> 00:09:14.940
and looking around like,
what the hell is going on?

00:09:14.940 --> 00:09:17.790
Maybe this is why, you
know, I'm not supposed

00:09:17.790 --> 00:09:19.353
to watch these kind of movies.

00:09:21.000 --> 00:09:22.920
Maybe my mom was right.

00:09:22.920 --> 00:09:23.940
Right?

00:09:23.940 --> 00:09:24.890
But it didn't stop.

00:09:26.516 --> 00:09:29.016
(tense music)

00:09:35.250 --> 00:09:36.849
- Oh, look at her.

00:09:36.849 --> 00:09:37.808
So happy.

00:09:37.808 --> 00:09:41.120
(audience laughing)

00:09:41.120 --> 00:09:43.770
- If only there were a
smaller one to clean this one.

00:09:45.199 --> 00:09:46.613
- Don't touch, don't touch.
- Get a life.

00:09:49.950 --> 00:09:52.290
- [Alberto] Mainstream
media trivializes OCD

00:09:52.290 --> 00:09:55.530
by showing it as just a casual,
quirky personality trait

00:09:55.530 --> 00:09:57.393
as opposed to a serious illness.

00:09:59.032 --> 00:10:02.032
(audience laughing)

00:10:06.750 --> 00:10:09.727
It also often only shows
certain types of OCD.

00:10:11.347 --> 00:10:13.930
(bright music)

00:10:20.367 --> 00:10:22.350
A lot of people think that
it's just being orderly

00:10:22.350 --> 00:10:24.780
or being neat, but
there are actually a lot

00:10:24.780 --> 00:10:26.230
of different subtypes of OCD.

00:10:27.555 --> 00:10:30.055
(tense music)

00:10:31.110 --> 00:10:35.250
- What's really common, but
often is not recognized as OCD

00:10:35.250 --> 00:10:38.340
and in fact is misdiagnosed
are these quote unquote

00:10:38.340 --> 00:10:40.140
taboo obsessions.

00:10:40.140 --> 00:10:42.210
Now these come in a
couple different forms.

00:10:42.210 --> 00:10:44.973
One of 'em involves these
unwanted upsetting thoughts

00:10:44.973 --> 00:10:47.133
that could involve aggressive topics.

00:10:48.270 --> 00:10:50.880
Another one involves sexual topics.

00:10:50.880 --> 00:10:54.930
These types of OCD stem
from intrusive thoughts,

00:10:54.930 --> 00:10:56.943
which is something everyone experiences.

00:10:58.647 --> 00:11:01.147
(tense music)

00:11:07.080 --> 00:11:09.360
- What I don't think a
lot of people realize

00:11:09.360 --> 00:11:11.520
is that everyone has intrusive thoughts.

00:11:11.520 --> 00:11:15.106
Every single person in the
world has intrusive thoughts.

00:11:15.106 --> 00:11:17.606
(tense music)

00:11:20.250 --> 00:11:22.620
- So if we had a survey
of people out there

00:11:22.620 --> 00:11:24.630
and we got everyone to be really honest

00:11:24.630 --> 00:11:26.250
and we said things like, hey,

00:11:26.250 --> 00:11:28.297
have you ever had these
thoughts that are sort of,

00:11:28.297 --> 00:11:29.973
you know, out there?

00:11:31.200 --> 00:11:33.250
Should I hit that pedestrian with my car?

00:11:34.620 --> 00:11:36.063
Am I attracted to my mother?

00:11:37.320 --> 00:11:38.920
What if I jump off this balcony?

00:11:40.050 --> 00:11:42.063
Did I just touch my dog inappropriately?

00:11:43.890 --> 00:11:46.390
Everyone would agree they've
had similar thoughts.

00:11:48.450 --> 00:11:50.500
Now most people, they have these thoughts

00:11:51.414 --> 00:11:52.260
and they just dismiss 'em.

00:11:52.260 --> 00:11:54.420
But in that small group
of people with OCD,

00:11:54.420 --> 00:11:55.590
those thoughts stick.

00:11:55.590 --> 00:11:56.760
- They start to latch onto them.

00:11:56.760 --> 00:11:58.960
They start to try to
find meaning from them.

00:12:03.990 --> 00:12:06.300
When it starts to interfere
with their daily lives

00:12:06.300 --> 00:12:07.710
and activities, that's when we know

00:12:07.710 --> 00:12:09.573
that it's probably OCD at that point.

00:12:10.690 --> 00:12:15.190
(children practicing meditation)

00:12:16.200 --> 00:12:18.630
- My initial compulsions were religious,

00:12:18.630 --> 00:12:20.313
but OCD can change over time.

00:12:21.150 --> 00:12:23.643
I developed new obsessions
and new compulsions.

00:12:25.869 --> 00:12:28.869
(children laughing)

00:12:32.460 --> 00:12:34.800
Growing up, it was me
and two older brothers.

00:12:34.800 --> 00:12:36.350
I'm the youngest in the family.

00:12:37.380 --> 00:12:39.510
Definitely fought a lot as kids.

00:12:39.510 --> 00:12:40.343
That was fun.

00:12:41.610 --> 00:12:44.820
We were big into sports, I
loved playing basketball.

00:12:44.820 --> 00:12:47.040
My brothers moved out when
I was in eighth grade.

00:12:47.040 --> 00:12:49.230
So after that, we actually grew closer

00:12:49.230 --> 00:12:50.580
once we were further apart.

00:12:57.030 --> 00:12:58.920
Lots of folks aren't
familiar with harm OCD,

00:12:58.920 --> 00:13:01.780
but basically it's obsessions about

00:13:02.880 --> 00:13:04.920
losing the things you care about.

00:13:04.920 --> 00:13:09.393
People suffering violence
or even dying from harm.

00:13:12.000 --> 00:13:13.920
Eighth grade is when
something specific happened

00:13:13.920 --> 00:13:15.690
in New York that triggered

00:13:15.690 --> 00:13:18.123
what would become a
lifetime of harm OCD for me.

00:13:19.792 --> 00:13:23.125
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

00:13:27.480 --> 00:13:29.850
- [Reporter] This just in,
you are looking at obviously

00:13:29.850 --> 00:13:31.620
a very disturbing live shot there.

00:13:31.620 --> 00:13:32.970
That is the World Trade Center

00:13:32.970 --> 00:13:35.520
and we have unconfirmed
reports this morning

00:13:35.520 --> 00:13:37.110
that a plane has crashed

00:13:37.110 --> 00:13:39.090
into one of the towers.
- Another one

00:13:39.090 --> 00:13:40.593
just hit the building.
- Wow.

00:13:42.106 --> 00:13:43.494
There are no words.

00:13:43.494 --> 00:13:46.244
(birds chirping)

00:13:51.630 --> 00:13:55.653
- [Vinay] On September 11th,
2001, I was in eighth grade.

00:13:56.640 --> 00:13:59.470
There was this mass rush to the payphones

00:14:00.990 --> 00:14:04.413
everyone calling their parents
to see were they alive.

00:14:07.620 --> 00:14:10.320
And I distinctly remember
my dad walking in

00:14:10.320 --> 00:14:13.560
feeling like a look of defeat, you know,

00:14:13.560 --> 00:14:16.080
on him just like carrying
the weight of the world

00:14:16.080 --> 00:14:18.390
because like from his
office he could like see

00:14:18.390 --> 00:14:20.990
across the water to the
Towers, like watched it all.

00:14:24.660 --> 00:14:27.990
Yeah, those are images that
are like stuck in my head.

00:14:27.990 --> 00:14:30.480
Just felt like surreal,
like it wasn't really,

00:14:30.480 --> 00:14:33.363
this couldn't be real,
especially in your own city.

00:14:41.040 --> 00:14:43.360
I was obsessed almost immediately

00:14:45.090 --> 00:14:49.030
the smoke enveloping people like ghostly

00:14:51.630 --> 00:14:53.613
and those balls of fire.

00:14:54.600 --> 00:14:57.360
Imagining it from inside the buildings,

00:14:57.360 --> 00:14:59.550
from inside the planes,
from on the street,

00:14:59.550 --> 00:15:00.383
from like midtown,

00:15:00.383 --> 00:15:01.380
from uptown, from Brooklyn.

00:15:01.380 --> 00:15:03.600
Just like seeing it from different angles

00:15:03.600 --> 00:15:05.793
and I just kept obsessing about that day.

00:15:06.891 --> 00:15:09.808
(machine whirring)

00:15:13.270 --> 00:15:15.510
And from 9/11 onwards,
it's expanded towards

00:15:15.510 --> 00:15:17.553
any sort of violent situation.

00:15:19.177 --> 00:15:22.010
(glasses chiming)

00:15:29.760 --> 00:15:30.593
- [Interviewer] If you wouldn't mind

00:15:30.593 --> 00:15:31.980
grabbing those pictures.
- Yeah.

00:15:34.620 --> 00:15:36.840
Growing up, my family did not discuss much

00:15:36.840 --> 00:15:38.880
about mental health.

00:15:38.880 --> 00:15:42.678
My father comes from
a Jordanian background

00:15:42.678 --> 00:15:45.720
and my mother from a
Puerto Rican background,

00:15:45.720 --> 00:15:48.780
my father comes from a
culture where mental health.

00:15:48.780 --> 00:15:50.670
It's more of a taboo.

00:15:50.670 --> 00:15:52.530
They focus on being strong

00:15:52.530 --> 00:15:55.170
and just getting through
things without talking about

00:15:55.170 --> 00:15:58.140
how they're feeling or
what they're going through.

00:15:58.140 --> 00:16:00.510
And I strongly believe that that's part

00:16:00.510 --> 00:16:03.420
of why my father died at such a young age.

00:16:03.420 --> 00:16:08.190
He lost his mother

00:16:08.190 --> 00:16:10.713
traumatically and never recovered.

00:16:13.530 --> 00:16:16.500
My father became a heroin addict.

00:16:16.500 --> 00:16:20.940
He eventually overdosed
right before my 11th birthday

00:16:20.940 --> 00:16:23.703
and my mom became a
single mom with four kids.

00:16:29.160 --> 00:16:31.200
My mom relied on her faith

00:16:31.200 --> 00:16:33.570
and her religion to get her through

00:16:33.570 --> 00:16:34.920
what we were going through.

00:16:39.510 --> 00:16:42.150
So when I first told my
mom about the bad thoughts

00:16:42.150 --> 00:16:46.140
that I was having, it was humiliating.

00:16:46.140 --> 00:16:50.460
So I just said, mom, I've
been going through something

00:16:50.460 --> 00:16:52.320
and it's scaring me.

00:16:52.320 --> 00:16:54.270
There's something going on in my brain.

00:16:57.420 --> 00:16:59.700
She immediately was reassuring.

00:16:59.700 --> 00:17:01.380
You're under a lot of stress at work.

00:17:01.380 --> 00:17:02.760
You know, you just got married,

00:17:02.760 --> 00:17:04.350
you're at a happy point in your life.

00:17:04.350 --> 00:17:06.850
You know, the devil's just
messing with your mind.

00:17:08.520 --> 00:17:10.533
We didn't have anything else to rely on.

00:17:11.700 --> 00:17:15.660
We had no prior experience with any type

00:17:15.660 --> 00:17:17.523
of mental health disorder.

00:17:18.810 --> 00:17:22.290
- One day I was at work
and I get a phone call

00:17:22.290 --> 00:17:24.360
and it's her crying and pleading

00:17:24.360 --> 00:17:27.240
and saying there's this demon in my mind

00:17:27.240 --> 00:17:29.430
that keeps putting these crazy thoughts.

00:17:29.430 --> 00:17:32.610
Deep down I started
asking myself questions.

00:17:32.610 --> 00:17:34.470
What is this like, is she happy with me?

00:17:34.470 --> 00:17:36.720
Am I the right person for her?

00:17:36.720 --> 00:17:38.700
I'm just thinking, okay, this
person has these thoughts

00:17:38.700 --> 00:17:40.530
but everybody has thoughts.

00:17:40.530 --> 00:17:44.250
What I later learned was
that it was pervasive

00:17:44.250 --> 00:17:46.080
and it just continued to,

00:17:46.080 --> 00:17:48.033
for lack of a better term, haunt her.

00:17:49.014 --> 00:17:51.514
(tense music)

00:17:57.960 --> 00:18:00.210
- That's when it started
to affect my family.

00:18:03.563 --> 00:18:06.313
(child babbling)

00:18:09.373 --> 00:18:11.910
(parent singing in foreign language)

00:18:11.910 --> 00:18:14.220
- I just remember when I was a little kid

00:18:14.220 --> 00:18:15.720
suffering in silence, like thinking

00:18:15.720 --> 00:18:17.583
I was completely alone in this world.

00:18:20.070 --> 00:18:22.140
Of course, no one else is
obsessing about these things.

00:18:22.140 --> 00:18:23.990
No one else is thinking these things.

00:18:27.030 --> 00:18:28.320
I would hear stories in the news

00:18:28.320 --> 00:18:30.033
and fear losing someone I love.

00:18:32.100 --> 00:18:37.050
The harm OCD was usually
obsessions about attacks

00:18:37.050 --> 00:18:37.883
and violence

00:18:39.720 --> 00:18:40.563
and illness,

00:18:42.000 --> 00:18:44.190
like, you know, 40, 50 TV screens,

00:18:44.190 --> 00:18:45.870
like different volumes
like screaming at me,

00:18:45.870 --> 00:18:48.690
running in my head like back
and forth throughout time.

00:18:48.690 --> 00:18:50.610
It's like a cluster fuck to be honest.

00:18:50.610 --> 00:18:52.140
I think that's a scientific term for it.

00:18:52.140 --> 00:18:53.176
Yeah.

00:18:53.176 --> 00:18:55.676
(tense music)

00:18:59.130 --> 00:19:00.030
Growing up, mental health

00:19:00.030 --> 00:19:02.030
like wasn't discussed much in my family.

00:19:02.970 --> 00:19:06.390
Like lots of people in
South Asian community,

00:19:06.390 --> 00:19:09.030
Indian community have similar experiences,

00:19:09.030 --> 00:19:10.590
but if there were more examples

00:19:10.590 --> 00:19:12.900
of people being open
about their mental health,

00:19:12.900 --> 00:19:14.670
that would've maybe motivated me

00:19:14.670 --> 00:19:16.983
to talk more openly
about it at an early age.

00:19:18.150 --> 00:19:20.793
So I never told anyone
what was going on with me.

00:19:26.558 --> 00:19:28.192
- Oh, you got me!

00:19:28.192 --> 00:19:31.192
(children laughing)

00:19:35.160 --> 00:19:36.183
Woo-hoo Jayden.

00:19:39.943 --> 00:19:41.223
Good form, good shot.

00:19:42.840 --> 00:19:43.673
Get her Eli,

00:19:43.673 --> 00:19:45.250
don't be nice, get her.
- Granny!

00:19:46.440 --> 00:19:47.760
- Granny?
- There's no way

00:19:47.760 --> 00:19:49.830
to explain the love

00:19:49.830 --> 00:19:51.870
that you have for your child.

00:19:51.870 --> 00:19:55.380
They lived in your body, you
birthed them, you grew them,

00:19:55.380 --> 00:19:57.213
you feed them from your body.

00:19:58.800 --> 00:20:02.260
My kids are so loving,
they've got this fire in them

00:20:03.240 --> 00:20:05.283
and they're unstoppable.

00:20:07.170 --> 00:20:08.940
They're unstoppable, I admire them.

00:20:08.940 --> 00:20:12.510
I look up to them, you know they are,

00:20:12.510 --> 00:20:15.303
they are my reasons for being here.

00:20:16.830 --> 00:20:19.320
Otherwise I wouldn't have
made it through this.

00:20:19.320 --> 00:20:20.433
There's no way.

00:20:22.530 --> 00:20:23.363
No way.

00:20:26.130 --> 00:20:27.303
Hi Jayden.

00:20:29.640 --> 00:20:32.340
So you're officially 12 days old.

00:20:32.340 --> 00:20:33.333
How does it feel?

00:20:34.980 --> 00:20:37.860
- Everyone's heard of
postpartum depression,

00:20:37.860 --> 00:20:39.870
but there's another
condition that takes place

00:20:39.870 --> 00:20:43.320
with pretty high frequency
and that's postpartum OCD.

00:20:43.320 --> 00:20:46.650
These symptoms can involve
a variety of topics,

00:20:46.650 --> 00:20:48.750
like I could do something to harm my baby.

00:20:50.190 --> 00:20:52.710
Those thoughts are so
upsetting to the person.

00:20:52.710 --> 00:20:54.660
They're not at all about intent

00:20:54.660 --> 00:20:57.243
or desire, they care so
much about the little one,

00:21:03.121 --> 00:21:08.038
but that doubt ends up motivating
the obsessions even more.

00:21:12.699 --> 00:21:14.550
(baby squealing)

00:21:14.550 --> 00:21:17.100
- When Eliana was born,
I would have the thought

00:21:17.100 --> 00:21:21.180
of dropping my daughter,
her falling over a rail,

00:21:21.180 --> 00:21:22.770
hitting the concrete

00:21:22.770 --> 00:21:25.560
and bleeding, me, running downstairs,

00:21:25.560 --> 00:21:29.010
somebody calling 911,
trying to resuscitate her

00:21:29.010 --> 00:21:30.990
and ultimately losing her.

00:21:30.990 --> 00:21:35.040
That would replay on repeat

00:21:35.040 --> 00:21:37.290
over and over and over again.

00:21:37.290 --> 00:21:40.110
I almost felt guilty like I
was causing it, like I was

00:21:40.110 --> 00:21:43.113
to blame for it, like
I wanted this to occur.

00:21:46.890 --> 00:21:50.340
So I remember specifically
an incident when Eliana

00:21:50.340 --> 00:21:52.350
was two and a half.

00:21:52.350 --> 00:21:54.093
Jayden wasn't even crawling yet.

00:21:55.020 --> 00:21:57.273
She was on the floor playing with toys.

00:21:58.140 --> 00:22:00.900
I'm in the kitchen and I'm
preparing a snack for them.

00:22:00.900 --> 00:22:02.110
I was cutting an apple

00:22:04.440 --> 00:22:06.220
and I start slicing the apple

00:22:07.110 --> 00:22:11.040
and all of a sudden OCD attacked my mind

00:22:11.040 --> 00:22:16.040
and told me to stab my child
with no desire to do it.

00:22:16.140 --> 00:22:18.450
But the thoughts are telling
me that's what I wanna do.

00:22:18.450 --> 00:22:20.970
It got to the point where
it was like every time I had

00:22:20.970 --> 00:22:22.500
a knife in my hand,

00:22:22.500 --> 00:22:24.480
I was being told in my mind that I wanted

00:22:24.480 --> 00:22:28.440
to stab someone, including
myself, severing a finger,

00:22:28.440 --> 00:22:29.973
just slicing my wrist.

00:22:33.128 --> 00:22:35.628
(tense music)

00:22:45.533 --> 00:22:48.060
- The compulsions are
behaviors that people do to try

00:22:48.060 --> 00:22:51.480
to reduce the stress related
to those upsetting thoughts.

00:22:51.480 --> 00:22:55.020
They could be overt things that
you see such as hand washing

00:22:55.020 --> 00:22:56.910
or they could be things like avoidance

00:22:56.910 --> 00:22:59.400
or mental rituals like counting or prayer.

00:22:59.400 --> 00:23:02.980
- The part of your brain that
tries to keep you safe is

00:23:04.170 --> 00:23:05.400
basically overreacting.

00:23:05.400 --> 00:23:09.750
You can't bring yourself
to resist the rituals

00:23:09.750 --> 00:23:11.100
that you want to engage in.

00:23:14.280 --> 00:23:18.330
- My compulsion, I became a tapper

00:23:18.330 --> 00:23:20.100
when my kids were young.

00:23:20.100 --> 00:23:23.400
After I would cut up an apple
for the kids and put the knife

00:23:23.400 --> 00:23:26.070
and stuff away and feed
them, I would go back

00:23:26.070 --> 00:23:27.690
to the counter a lot and just stand there

00:23:27.690 --> 00:23:31.393
and just tap it out and it
had to be a specific rhythm.

00:23:31.393 --> 00:23:33.540
I had to touch every
finger at the same rhythm

00:23:33.540 --> 00:23:35.990
multiple times or else I
had to start over again.

00:23:36.927 --> 00:23:39.600
And if I didn't start over
again, something bad would happen

00:23:39.600 --> 00:23:42.330
to someone, something
bad, something horrific,

00:23:42.330 --> 00:23:44.340
life altering will happen if you don't tap

00:23:44.340 --> 00:23:45.663
those fingers right now.

00:23:50.610 --> 00:23:53.010
A lot of people may
question why do you have

00:23:53.010 --> 00:23:56.613
to do the compulsion
knowing that it's illogical?

00:23:58.260 --> 00:24:00.660
OCD is a disease of doubt.

00:24:00.660 --> 00:24:02.760
It seems logical.

00:24:02.760 --> 00:24:06.510
It seems like if I step on that crack,

00:24:06.510 --> 00:24:08.640
one of my family members can die.

00:24:08.640 --> 00:24:11.970
When in actuality, my
child's life is not in danger

00:24:11.970 --> 00:24:14.820
but OCD is telling me
it is and I don't know

00:24:14.820 --> 00:24:17.013
how to tell otherwise.

00:24:19.050 --> 00:24:19.883
I don't know.

00:24:30.073 --> 00:24:32.906
(fingers tapping)

00:24:51.670 --> 00:24:54.420
(knife whirring)

00:25:01.950 --> 00:25:04.110
- Since I can remember,
I've always been intrigued

00:25:04.110 --> 00:25:05.763
by the concept of equality.

00:25:10.380 --> 00:25:13.503
I often come back to this
line from The Great Gatsby.

00:25:14.850 --> 00:25:17.550
There is no difference among men,

00:25:17.550 --> 00:25:20.880
not of race or intelligence so profound

00:25:20.880 --> 00:25:23.280
as the difference between
the sick and the well.

00:25:28.980 --> 00:25:30.900
I work as the national field organizer

00:25:30.900 --> 00:25:32.700
for the Center for Popular Democracy.

00:25:32.700 --> 00:25:35.670
I'm a healthcare organizer
primarily just working to improve

00:25:35.670 --> 00:25:37.653
and expand healthcare in America.

00:25:40.350 --> 00:25:43.200
- Before the pandemic hit, I
had a very vague understanding

00:25:43.200 --> 00:25:44.850
of what Vinay did at his job.

00:25:44.850 --> 00:25:48.660
I'd seen him literally on
the news being arrested once.

00:25:48.660 --> 00:25:50.280
I understood that he was going

00:25:50.280 --> 00:25:52.680
and advocating for these
super important causes,

00:25:54.120 --> 00:25:55.560
that was part of his job

00:25:55.560 --> 00:25:58.260
and he was always helping
out with all these protests.

00:26:00.780 --> 00:26:02.970
- We're kind of talking about
this conceptually right now,

00:26:02.970 --> 00:26:05.010
but the consequences on the patient side

00:26:05.010 --> 00:26:06.810
are just enormous.

00:26:06.810 --> 00:26:08.940
Like for me with harm OCD, it's not just

00:26:08.940 --> 00:26:11.850
that the person next to
me might be in danger.

00:26:11.850 --> 00:26:14.040
It's often that I'm the danger.

00:26:14.040 --> 00:26:15.390
- Vinay is doing it around the clock.

00:26:15.390 --> 00:26:17.978
He meets like hundreds of people often

00:26:17.978 --> 00:26:19.050
at the different rallies that he's at

00:26:19.050 --> 00:26:21.630
and I'm sure that hearing something that

00:26:21.630 --> 00:26:23.550
he has these thoughts about harming people

00:26:23.550 --> 00:26:26.820
that are close to him can be
shocking to a lot of people.

00:26:26.820 --> 00:26:30.240
But I know for a fact that
he can never do any harm

00:26:30.240 --> 00:26:33.870
because all he does every single
day is fight for the people

00:26:33.870 --> 00:26:36.063
that are being harmed
to give them justice.

00:26:37.899 --> 00:26:39.060
- And when you're at a healthcare protest,

00:26:39.060 --> 00:26:40.830
I feel like it feels different

00:26:40.830 --> 00:26:42.720
because people are literally fighting

00:26:42.720 --> 00:26:44.760
for their right to exist.

00:26:44.760 --> 00:26:48.330
They're fighting for their
right to be alive in this world

00:26:48.330 --> 00:26:50.040
and there's the energy to that.

00:26:50.040 --> 00:26:51.340
There's a potency to that.

00:26:54.810 --> 00:26:58.203
My harm obsessions
involve external threats,

00:26:59.052 --> 00:27:02.160
but a worse version of
it is, you know, thinking

00:27:02.160 --> 00:27:04.140
that I'm the threat

00:27:04.140 --> 00:27:07.770
and like I am the monster
in that nightmare.

00:27:07.770 --> 00:27:11.583
And it's usually triggered
by the news specifically,

00:27:12.446 --> 00:27:16.140
like I'll see a mass shooting,
I'll often imagine it

00:27:16.140 --> 00:27:20.040
through the eyes of the
shooter rather than the victims

00:27:20.040 --> 00:27:24.573
with like me holding the
gun and shooting everyone.

00:27:27.870 --> 00:27:29.490
And it's like incredibly upsetting

00:27:29.490 --> 00:27:31.140
and it's like, well how do I know

00:27:32.430 --> 00:27:33.360
that I can be trusted?

00:27:33.360 --> 00:27:36.630
How do I know that tomorrow
isn't gonna be the first day

00:27:36.630 --> 00:27:40.443
that I hurt someone
violently intentionally?

00:27:46.950 --> 00:27:48.420
Those thoughts definitely have affected

00:27:48.420 --> 00:27:50.370
my relationships with people.

00:27:50.370 --> 00:27:53.400
Just visiting my nephews was a trigger.

00:27:53.400 --> 00:27:55.500
They're completely vulnerable.

00:27:55.500 --> 00:27:58.604
If I tried to hurt them, I would succeed.

00:27:58.604 --> 00:28:01.187
(somber music)

00:28:09.510 --> 00:28:12.480
- Very often, compulsions are not visible.

00:28:12.480 --> 00:28:14.283
They can occur as mental rituals.

00:28:19.350 --> 00:28:21.900
One of the most common symptoms
that ends up taking place

00:28:21.900 --> 00:28:23.760
are elements of reassurance seeking.

00:28:23.760 --> 00:28:26.190
So asking one's partner, did this happen?

00:28:26.190 --> 00:28:27.780
Do you think this could happen?

00:28:27.780 --> 00:28:29.520
Where do you think I was at this time?

00:28:29.520 --> 00:28:31.080
I had this thought,

00:28:31.080 --> 00:28:33.300
doesn't mean that I'm gonna do it, right?

00:28:33.300 --> 00:28:36.303
Or it could even be asking
yourself these questions.

00:28:40.290 --> 00:28:42.810
- So if I'm sleeping with a
partner at night next to them,

00:28:42.810 --> 00:28:45.870
sometimes the obsessions
they'll be taking a pillow

00:28:45.870 --> 00:28:48.000
and like suffocating them to death

00:28:48.000 --> 00:28:49.653
or strangling them to death.

00:28:50.954 --> 00:28:53.580
Or what if I stab them or bludgeon them?

00:28:53.580 --> 00:28:54.413
Are they breathing?

00:28:54.413 --> 00:28:55.320
Did they stop breathing?

00:28:55.320 --> 00:28:56.220
Can I still hear their breath?

00:28:56.220 --> 00:28:57.053
Are they alive right now?

00:28:57.053 --> 00:28:57.886
Should I wake 'em up?

00:28:57.886 --> 00:28:58.737
Should I make sure they're okay?

00:28:58.737 --> 00:28:59.570
Are they not okay?

00:28:59.570 --> 00:29:00.660
Should I call someone like

00:29:00.660 --> 00:29:02.370
what if you know they're probably okay

00:29:02.370 --> 00:29:03.203
but maybe they're not okay?

00:29:03.203 --> 00:29:04.320
Like what if I wake up tomorrow

00:29:04.320 --> 00:29:06.090
they're definitely not okay
and I could have stopped it?

00:29:06.090 --> 00:29:08.190
You look at your watch and
it's like I don't have a watch.

00:29:08.190 --> 00:29:09.870
You look at your phone
and it's like 3:00 AM

00:29:09.870 --> 00:29:11.940
and, you know, they've
been asleep for five hours

00:29:11.940 --> 00:29:14.040
and I still can't get to sleep.

00:29:14.040 --> 00:29:15.240
You like think about those things

00:29:15.240 --> 00:29:18.660
and if you think about
doing that to the person

00:29:18.660 --> 00:29:20.460
like you love the most,

00:29:20.460 --> 00:29:23.490
it's like the most upsetting
thing possible, right?

00:29:23.490 --> 00:29:28.263
So hard to sleep when you're
thinking about that for hours.

00:29:35.250 --> 00:29:39.660
Loving someone, which you
would hope is this joyful thing

00:29:39.660 --> 00:29:41.493
often becomes like agonizing.

00:29:42.967 --> 00:29:45.634
(siren wailing)

00:29:53.220 --> 00:29:55.150
Eventually, this led to depression

00:29:57.030 --> 00:29:59.490
and that's why I turned to self-harm.

00:30:00.627 --> 00:30:03.210
(fan whirring)

00:30:05.280 --> 00:30:06.633
- I need help on this one.

00:30:08.430 --> 00:30:09.263
Eight.

00:30:10.530 --> 00:30:14.152
We get done fast.
- I can't really understand.

00:30:14.152 --> 00:30:16.200
- 10.
- One, two.

00:30:16.200 --> 00:30:17.670
- Mom, which one's correct?

00:30:17.670 --> 00:30:18.950
10 or nine?
- Very good.

00:30:18.950 --> 00:30:20.130
So then you write number one there,

00:30:20.130 --> 00:30:21.523
that looks like

00:30:21.523 --> 00:30:23.970
10 o'clock to me.
- Have to use crayons for this.

00:30:23.970 --> 00:30:25.500
- Postpartum OCD

00:30:25.500 --> 00:30:29.133
was only one of multiple
types of OCD I struggled with.

00:30:30.960 --> 00:30:33.543
So when the sexual
intrusive thoughts started,

00:30:36.060 --> 00:30:37.950
I was so ashamed of 'em.

00:30:37.950 --> 00:30:40.410
- The big thing that I just
kind of pointed out to her,

00:30:40.410 --> 00:30:44.040
you know, we're human beings
like every single person has

00:30:44.040 --> 00:30:46.110
sometimes some of these sexual thoughts,

00:30:46.110 --> 00:30:49.740
but there is that sense
of genuine like fear

00:30:49.740 --> 00:30:51.480
and it's more fear of the unknown.

00:30:51.480 --> 00:30:53.340
Like why is she having these thoughts?

00:30:53.340 --> 00:30:54.630
What is going on?

00:30:54.630 --> 00:30:57.190
It was traumatic for me to deal with

00:30:59.800 --> 00:31:03.630
and, you know, our relationship
definitely took a toll.

00:31:05.130 --> 00:31:06.810
It took a toll on our relationship,

00:31:06.810 --> 00:31:09.423
I felt like I couldn't
talk to anybody about it.

00:31:10.738 --> 00:31:12.404
- The skateboards are faster

00:31:12.404 --> 00:31:15.150
when you go on the like
concrete or the sidewalk.

00:31:15.150 --> 00:31:18.473
- I remember going to my
husband's basketball game

00:31:18.473 --> 00:31:20.910
and would pick out a
random person in the crowd

00:31:20.910 --> 00:31:22.020
and think that I wanted

00:31:22.020 --> 00:31:24.780
to have sexual relationships
with that person.

00:31:24.780 --> 00:31:28.510
Then I would turn and see
my two dogs, my two puppies

00:31:29.840 --> 00:31:32.690
and have thoughts of maybe
being attracted to my animals.

00:31:34.440 --> 00:31:38.130
Then I remember after walking
past a picture of my niece

00:31:38.130 --> 00:31:41.700
and nephew that was hanging on
my wall, I had a thought of,

00:31:41.700 --> 00:31:43.773
well what if you're attracted to kids?

00:31:46.180 --> 00:31:48.390
And that threw me to the ground.

00:31:48.390 --> 00:31:51.630
I mean, I've never had
a thought like that.

00:31:51.630 --> 00:31:53.100
I've never had a desire like that.

00:31:53.100 --> 00:31:54.540
It was very confusing.

00:31:54.540 --> 00:31:56.043
It made me sick to my stomach.

00:32:00.095 --> 00:32:01.830
It's difficult to talk about.

00:32:01.830 --> 00:32:03.420
- In these types of thoughts,

00:32:03.420 --> 00:32:05.160
the person's afraid that
they're gonna engage

00:32:05.160 --> 00:32:08.610
in some sort of inappropriate
sexual behavior with a minor.

00:32:08.610 --> 00:32:10.980
I really need to highlight
that this is something

00:32:10.980 --> 00:32:12.540
that they are not going to do.

00:32:12.540 --> 00:32:14.490
In fact, I'll often say to folks

00:32:14.490 --> 00:32:16.830
that they're probably the
safest person in the world

00:32:16.830 --> 00:32:19.980
and the first person that I
would leave my own kids with.

00:32:19.980 --> 00:32:22.620
Now what's important about
these things again is that idea

00:32:22.620 --> 00:32:24.180
that that you don't wanna do it.

00:32:24.180 --> 00:32:26.910
That you find this upsetting

00:32:26.910 --> 00:32:29.490
and it's what we call egodystonic.

00:32:29.490 --> 00:32:32.010
It's not consistent with who you are

00:32:32.010 --> 00:32:34.500
or what you like or believe in.

00:32:34.500 --> 00:32:36.270
Now this is totally different than someone

00:32:36.270 --> 00:32:39.537
who is a pedophile, in which
that's more egosyntonic.

00:32:39.537 --> 00:32:41.490
The they like the thoughts,

00:32:41.490 --> 00:32:43.620
they kind of invite the thoughts in

00:32:43.620 --> 00:32:45.990
and potentially the behaviors in.

00:32:45.990 --> 00:32:48.843
OCD is completely different from that.

00:32:56.460 --> 00:32:59.310
- And then when Eliana
got a little bit older,

00:32:59.310 --> 00:33:02.550
I'd question myself every
time I changed her diaper.

00:33:02.550 --> 00:33:05.340
Oh did I wipe her inappropriately?

00:33:05.340 --> 00:33:10.170
Am I attracted to her in
some inappropriate way?

00:33:10.170 --> 00:33:12.720
Bathing my children was hard for a while

00:33:12.720 --> 00:33:15.570
because while bathing them I was so afraid

00:33:15.570 --> 00:33:18.900
I would touch them
inappropriately while I'm

00:33:18.900 --> 00:33:22.683
washing them or while I'm
putting lotion on them.

00:33:25.710 --> 00:33:30.120
So if I had an intrusive
sexual thought about my child,

00:33:30.120 --> 00:33:32.220
I flood my mind with compulsions

00:33:32.220 --> 00:33:35.370
with reasons why those
thoughts are not accurate,

00:33:35.370 --> 00:33:37.380
are not mine.

00:33:37.380 --> 00:33:38.760
That thought is not mine.

00:33:38.760 --> 00:33:40.350
I would never hurt my kids.

00:33:40.350 --> 00:33:42.510
Why would I have a thought like this?

00:33:42.510 --> 00:33:45.003
For hours and hours and hours at a time?

00:33:46.890 --> 00:33:50.820
I go through the same routine
that a hand washer would,

00:33:50.820 --> 00:33:52.320
but it's all done in my mind.

00:33:52.320 --> 00:33:55.710
Instead of that fear of my
hands not being clean enough,

00:33:55.710 --> 00:33:57.677
I'm afraid that my
mind's not clean enough.

00:33:57.677 --> 00:33:58.784
Why would I have a thought like this?

00:33:58.784 --> 00:34:00.799
Why would I have a thought like this?

00:34:00.799 --> 00:34:01.841
I would never hurt my kids.

00:34:01.841 --> 00:34:03.782
I would never hurt my kids.

00:34:03.782 --> 00:34:04.951
Why would I have a thought like this?

00:34:04.951 --> 00:34:06.433
Why would I have a thought like this?

00:34:06.433 --> 00:34:07.721
I would never hurt my kids.

00:34:07.721 --> 00:34:09.018
I would never hurt my kids.

00:34:09.018 --> 00:34:11.040
I would never hurt my kids.

00:34:11.040 --> 00:34:13.320
- OCD is keeping you from fully engaging

00:34:13.320 --> 00:34:15.210
and bonding with your child.

00:34:15.210 --> 00:34:17.670
What I've had a lot of
parents describe to me is

00:34:17.670 --> 00:34:18.840
that they feel this loss

00:34:18.840 --> 00:34:21.270
or grief, they've lost
out on the opportunity

00:34:21.270 --> 00:34:23.463
to be present in that moment.

00:34:25.530 --> 00:34:28.630
- You're trying to enjoy
these precious moments

00:34:30.197 --> 00:34:31.590
and all you can think about is

00:34:31.590 --> 00:34:33.453
what harm am I gonna do my child?

00:34:35.920 --> 00:34:39.090
It got to a point where I'm
like okay, well I must be

00:34:39.090 --> 00:34:42.040
what these thoughts are telling
me because they won't stop.

00:34:43.620 --> 00:34:47.493
And at some point, somebody
has to win this battle.

00:34:49.298 --> 00:34:51.798
(tense music)

00:34:54.586 --> 00:34:57.419
(fingers tapping)

00:35:02.220 --> 00:35:04.260
- [Crew] If you wanna
wear your black jacket.

00:35:04.260 --> 00:35:05.730
- Speeding.
- Rolling.

00:35:05.730 --> 00:35:08.247
- [Director] One, take one, mark.

00:35:08.247 --> 00:35:10.230
- [Interviewer] And go ahead
Vinay, whenever you're ready.

00:35:10.230 --> 00:35:11.740
- So this is my bedroom

00:35:12.860 --> 00:35:15.960
and I try to surround myself with art

00:35:15.960 --> 00:35:19.083
that kind of provokes
an emotional response.

00:35:20.098 --> 00:35:22.283
So this one is kind of
obvious, it's Van Gogh.

00:35:23.790 --> 00:35:27.720
I started self-harming
shortly after law school

00:35:27.720 --> 00:35:30.903
because I was searching for a
way to cope with this illness.

00:35:34.741 --> 00:35:37.540
My anxiety and OCD was really intense

00:35:38.826 --> 00:35:40.200
and depression was too.

00:35:40.200 --> 00:35:43.020
Those two have gone hand
in hand my entire life,

00:35:43.020 --> 00:35:46.830
which is very common for people with OCD.

00:35:46.830 --> 00:35:48.180
There's definitely a
couple of different reasons

00:35:48.180 --> 00:35:50.340
people self harm but I
think one of the major ones

00:35:50.340 --> 00:35:55.140
is if you feel like a very
acute like physical pain,

00:35:55.140 --> 00:35:57.480
it kind of drowns out the emotional pain

00:35:57.480 --> 00:35:58.410
and the mental pain.

00:35:58.410 --> 00:36:03.160
Seeing the visuals, the
colors, you know, the blood

00:36:04.380 --> 00:36:07.260
just makes me like look
the way I feel inside.

00:36:07.260 --> 00:36:10.020
So it's comforting, once I
noticed that, it was kind of hard

00:36:10.020 --> 00:36:14.483
to stop doing it but
it's incredibly dangerous

00:36:14.483 --> 00:36:16.313
and not something anyone should ever do.

00:36:17.450 --> 00:36:19.950
(tense music)

00:36:24.507 --> 00:36:26.924
So when like OCD gets intense

00:36:27.960 --> 00:36:30.120
and it's really like occupying my mind,

00:36:30.120 --> 00:36:31.620
it feels like an altered state of mind.

00:36:31.620 --> 00:36:33.390
Like almost as if like you're drunk

00:36:33.390 --> 00:36:34.890
or like you're on some substance,

00:36:34.890 --> 00:36:37.680
like you're just not thinking clearly.

00:36:37.680 --> 00:36:39.963
So it is July 16th,

00:36:40.830 --> 00:36:43.470
Thursday night at about 7:45.

00:36:43.470 --> 00:36:46.507
Having lots of intrusive
thoughts right now.

00:36:47.956 --> 00:36:50.280
Just keeps seeing her like dying.

00:36:50.280 --> 00:36:52.413
You feel like a different person entirely.

00:36:55.358 --> 00:36:57.941
(somber music)

00:36:59.255 --> 00:37:02.130
This is kind of how I see
things is kind of like bizarre,

00:37:02.130 --> 00:37:05.100
surreal vision where
people's like proportions

00:37:05.100 --> 00:37:07.050
stretch and their eyes are bigger.

00:37:07.050 --> 00:37:08.223
It's very disorienting.

00:37:11.027 --> 00:37:13.610
(somber music)

00:37:24.851 --> 00:37:27.851
(utensils rattling)

00:37:35.342 --> 00:37:36.990
- Look, you have to cut out

00:37:36.990 --> 00:37:41.139
each individual square and rectangle.

00:37:41.139 --> 00:37:42.360
- Oh that might be hard for me.

00:37:42.360 --> 00:37:44.703
- No, just follow the lines.
- Yeah.

00:37:48.060 --> 00:37:49.620
- [Natasha] I was always so fearful

00:37:49.620 --> 00:37:52.893
of leaving scissors on the
counter or a knife out.

00:37:54.240 --> 00:37:56.610
After I already put it
away where it belongs

00:37:56.610 --> 00:37:57.900
in a safe place,

00:37:57.900 --> 00:38:00.780
I would have to go back
and check multiple times.

00:38:00.780 --> 00:38:03.630
Not only would I go back
and check, I would go back

00:38:03.630 --> 00:38:06.723
and I would hide it
even better every time.

00:38:08.970 --> 00:38:11.440
Then that's when the
anxiety takes over your body

00:38:13.527 --> 00:38:16.260
and you start to kind of
lose control of your mind

00:38:16.260 --> 00:38:20.760
like a cloud comes in and the
thoughts just start invading,

00:38:20.760 --> 00:38:23.973
invading, invading and
continuing to attack your mind.

00:38:26.430 --> 00:38:29.250
- You know, I'll see like
a headline about some nurse

00:38:29.250 --> 00:38:31.470
who got COVID and I'll
think of like, okay,

00:38:31.470 --> 00:38:33.933
what if my sister-in-law gets COVID?

00:38:36.000 --> 00:38:37.920
What if she passes away?

00:38:37.920 --> 00:38:39.900
Who's taking care of the kids?

00:38:39.900 --> 00:38:42.450
- If I did have to use a pair
of scissors for something

00:38:42.450 --> 00:38:44.340
after I already put it away, you know,

00:38:44.340 --> 00:38:46.710
after 15 minutes of checking

00:38:46.710 --> 00:38:48.540
and making sure it's in a place

00:38:48.540 --> 00:38:49.890
where the kids can't reach it

00:38:49.890 --> 00:38:52.980
and ultimately it goes on
top of the refrigerator.

00:38:52.980 --> 00:38:55.530
- How is my sister-in-law's family doing?

00:38:55.530 --> 00:38:57.750
How do I support them, is there a funeral?

00:38:57.750 --> 00:38:58.980
Like what do I say at the funeral?

00:38:58.980 --> 00:39:02.520
Let me script out my
eulogy at the funeral.

00:39:02.520 --> 00:39:06.510
- OCD is still gonna tell
me, remember that one time

00:39:06.510 --> 00:39:09.120
when Eliana climbed up on that chair

00:39:09.120 --> 00:39:11.520
and she was able to reach
the chain on the door?

00:39:11.520 --> 00:39:14.520
Isn't that chain the same
height as this refrigerator?

00:39:14.520 --> 00:39:15.390
She can get it.

00:39:15.390 --> 00:39:17.490
And what would she do with
those scissors if she got it?

00:39:17.490 --> 00:39:18.690
- Now we'll be in the hospital

00:39:18.690 --> 00:39:20.190
and like we're identifying the body.

00:39:20.190 --> 00:39:21.480
Then we're back to the funeral like no,

00:39:21.480 --> 00:39:22.620
let me get this sentence right.

00:39:22.620 --> 00:39:24.960
- She'd probably
accidentally fall onto them

00:39:24.960 --> 00:39:26.670
and it would go right through her abdomen

00:39:26.670 --> 00:39:28.410
or maybe she'd go stab her brother.

00:39:28.410 --> 00:39:30.810
- My nephews and my niece
growing up without a mother

00:39:30.810 --> 00:39:32.143
and like what does that look like?

00:39:32.143 --> 00:39:34.050
- I would hide it even better

00:39:34.050 --> 00:39:36.000
or I would wrap it up in a bag.

00:39:36.000 --> 00:39:37.620
- And then I realized I
have a father who could,

00:39:37.620 --> 00:39:38.970
this could also happen to him.

00:39:38.970 --> 00:39:40.080
And then we're back in the funeral

00:39:40.080 --> 00:39:41.640
and then we're back in the morgue

00:39:41.640 --> 00:39:43.530
and then I'm like going
through the father scenario

00:39:43.530 --> 00:39:46.020
and the sister-in-law scenario
and the nephew scenario.

00:39:46.020 --> 00:39:48.540
- Thought starts progressing
into what could happen.

00:39:48.540 --> 00:39:51.480
I was nervous I would give
the kids food poisoning.

00:39:51.480 --> 00:39:53.373
I would know at what hour in the night

00:39:53.373 --> 00:39:55.740
that I should expect them to get sick.

00:39:55.740 --> 00:39:57.000
- [Vinay] I'm on Twitter spacing out

00:39:57.000 --> 00:39:58.650
and I see there was a
mass shooting somewhere.

00:39:58.650 --> 00:39:59.910
- Be in the middle of watching a movie.

00:39:59.910 --> 00:40:03.030
I will hear Jayden cough in his sleep.

00:40:03.030 --> 00:40:04.470
- So now I'm thinking of the gun violence

00:40:04.470 --> 00:40:06.510
in the hospital and the
morgue and the funeral

00:40:06.510 --> 00:40:07.343
and I'm still like

00:40:07.343 --> 00:40:09.080
writing the eulogy.
- And I go check.

00:40:09.080 --> 00:40:12.030
in my mind, they're dying.
- I feel the anxiety

00:40:12.030 --> 00:40:13.530
on my body.
- And as I'm going

00:40:13.530 --> 00:40:14.970
up the stairs I'll notice my feet

00:40:14.970 --> 00:40:16.440
start going faster and faster.

00:40:16.440 --> 00:40:18.450
- I'll be shaking.
- You better get upstairs

00:40:18.450 --> 00:40:20.413
and check on him now.

00:40:20.413 --> 00:40:21.246
- [Vinay] It becomes like hard to breathe.

00:40:21.246 --> 00:40:23.190
- [Natasha] If you don't
check on him, he can die.

00:40:23.190 --> 00:40:25.470
- My lips will go numb.
- What would give them access

00:40:25.470 --> 00:40:26.303
to that knife

00:40:26.303 --> 00:40:28.830
or to those scissors?
- I can't actually speak.

00:40:28.830 --> 00:40:31.410
I can't stop it.
- He can die Natasha.

00:40:31.410 --> 00:40:33.753
He can die, he can die, he can die.

00:40:38.127 --> 00:40:42.090
- And it kind of feels
like a Kurt Vonnegut story

00:40:42.090 --> 00:40:43.950
when you're like unstuck from time

00:40:43.950 --> 00:40:46.140
when you're experiencing it all at once.

00:40:46.140 --> 00:40:47.730
At that point, I don't know what's real.

00:40:47.730 --> 00:40:48.843
Is any of this real?

00:40:51.420 --> 00:40:52.353
Is it all made up?

00:40:54.870 --> 00:40:56.313
Is this apartment real?

00:40:57.630 --> 00:41:00.490
I have to just like
pour myself some whiskey

00:41:01.625 --> 00:41:02.625
to calm myself down.

00:41:05.396 --> 00:41:06.330
Yeah.
- That really helped me

00:41:06.330 --> 00:41:08.610
to even understand like
kind of what is going on

00:41:08.610 --> 00:41:09.600
in your mind when you go into

00:41:09.600 --> 00:41:11.730
these like ruminating spaces.

00:41:11.730 --> 00:41:13.350
- Yeah.
- It's tiring.

00:41:13.350 --> 00:41:15.201
- That was tiring just saying it.

00:41:15.201 --> 00:41:16.034
(everyone laughing)

00:41:16.034 --> 00:41:18.757
- [Interviewer] That was
tiring listening to it.

00:41:27.870 --> 00:41:31.530
- I don't wanna sound like
I'm victimizing myself at all.

00:41:31.530 --> 00:41:32.363
I don't, right?

00:41:32.363 --> 00:41:33.196
- No

00:41:33.196 --> 00:41:35.670
- Okay, because Bassanio
recently said that to me

00:41:35.670 --> 00:41:37.710
and I thought I feel
like I'm the opposite.

00:41:37.710 --> 00:41:40.430
Like yeah, I've been
through some hard shit

00:41:40.430 --> 00:41:43.950
but I don't like wear it
on my shoulders every day.

00:41:43.950 --> 00:41:45.450
You know, I've pushed through.

00:41:47.340 --> 00:41:48.173
Okay.

00:41:49.020 --> 00:41:49.853
You're reassuring me right now.

00:41:49.853 --> 00:41:51.780
- I'm not.

00:41:51.780 --> 00:41:53.922
- No, that's what I just asked you to do.

00:41:53.922 --> 00:41:56.381
(everyone laughing)

00:41:56.381 --> 00:41:59.548
- [Interviewer] Was that a compulsion?

00:42:02.720 --> 00:42:06.470
- [Sports Commentator] This
place is deafening already.

00:42:08.526 --> 00:42:10.740
- When I was in law school my third year,

00:42:10.740 --> 00:42:14.100
my health just got to a point
where I couldn't control it.

00:42:14.100 --> 00:42:16.863
Just obsessions and
compulsions all night long.

00:42:17.970 --> 00:42:20.220
I would go four or five
days with zero sleep.

00:42:24.270 --> 00:42:26.340
I would like look down on my textbook

00:42:26.340 --> 00:42:28.860
and it would just be a blur, like a fog.

00:42:28.860 --> 00:42:30.180
I couldn't see the words

00:42:30.180 --> 00:42:32.280
so it would just be almost a blank slate

00:42:32.280 --> 00:42:34.930
and I just wouldn't understand
what I was looking at.

00:42:38.485 --> 00:42:39.750
One of my professors eventually

00:42:39.750 --> 00:42:42.150
just like called me out on
it and was like, listen,

00:42:42.150 --> 00:42:44.280
I don't know what's going on with you

00:42:44.280 --> 00:42:45.900
but I'm gonna have to like fail you

00:42:45.900 --> 00:42:47.350
or kick you outta this class.

00:42:48.480 --> 00:42:51.240
That's the first time like I told anyone

00:42:51.240 --> 00:42:53.907
there's something wrong with me.

00:42:59.059 --> 00:43:01.642
(somber music)

00:43:07.020 --> 00:43:10.200
- Dirty and dirty until
finally is a small brown lump

00:43:10.200 --> 00:43:13.020
and you could stick it in
the middle of the tables

00:43:13.020 --> 00:43:14.760
and say it was a booger.
- Ooh!

00:43:17.700 --> 00:43:21.090
- Look it, Vanessa rolling her wagon.

00:43:21.090 --> 00:43:22.770
I made a soccer ball.

00:43:22.770 --> 00:43:26.490
- Postpartum OCD,
Pedophilia OCD, Harm OCD.

00:43:26.490 --> 00:43:28.953
It's always just this degree of shame.

00:43:30.540 --> 00:43:32.730
You think through a mother,

00:43:32.730 --> 00:43:35.070
she's having specific
intrusive thoughts about

00:43:35.070 --> 00:43:37.320
harming this child and because

00:43:37.320 --> 00:43:40.290
there is no accurate
representation of this form

00:43:40.290 --> 00:43:41.940
of OCD in her life,

00:43:41.940 --> 00:43:44.343
she thinks like she
actually might do this.

00:43:45.960 --> 00:43:47.460
It probably doesn't even occur to her

00:43:47.460 --> 00:43:48.737
to seek medical attention

00:43:48.737 --> 00:43:51.187
'cause she doesn't realize
this is a health issue

00:43:52.110 --> 00:43:54.750
and she's not sleeping and
she's not eating properly

00:43:54.750 --> 00:43:56.460
and she's like constantly anxious.

00:43:56.460 --> 00:43:59.100
She might get to a point
where she's so scared

00:43:59.100 --> 00:44:00.930
of like hurting her child
that she might be like,

00:44:00.930 --> 00:44:02.580
maybe I should just not be here anymore.

00:44:02.580 --> 00:44:03.963
Maybe I can't do this.

00:44:06.120 --> 00:44:08.440
- And when you don't know

00:44:10.740 --> 00:44:12.750
what you're capable of

00:44:12.750 --> 00:44:15.760
and what the disease is
capable of, the disease wins

00:44:16.710 --> 00:44:18.360
every single time.

00:44:18.360 --> 00:44:21.090
It means like right now and guess what?

00:44:21.090 --> 00:44:22.950
It's time for you guys
to get ready for bed.

00:44:22.950 --> 00:44:24.270
Okay?
- No way.

00:44:24.270 --> 00:44:25.470
- Yes, come on, come on.

00:44:26.430 --> 00:44:30.375
Bring your books, get your
books and get your waters.

00:44:30.375 --> 00:44:32.875
(tense music)

00:44:38.550 --> 00:44:42.663
OCD created an unlivable habitat.

00:44:48.120 --> 00:44:49.053
It's dark.

00:44:50.850 --> 00:44:51.843
There's no air.

00:44:55.770 --> 00:44:56.910
There's no escape.

00:44:56.910 --> 00:44:59.280
You can't escape your own brain.

00:44:59.280 --> 00:45:00.953
It's always there, it's always with you.

00:45:01.845 --> 00:45:04.345
(tense music)

00:45:21.750 --> 00:45:23.900
- We would be getting
breakfast one morning

00:45:25.623 --> 00:45:28.080
and he would not be a hundred
percent there compared to

00:45:28.080 --> 00:45:29.110
how he was before

00:45:30.087 --> 00:45:30.920
and I would, you know,

00:45:30.920 --> 00:45:31.753
ask him, I'd be like, what's on your mind?

00:45:31.753 --> 00:45:33.810
Like you're obviously, you
know, thinking about something.

00:45:33.810 --> 00:45:35.856
He would turn to me and be like,

00:45:35.856 --> 00:45:38.623
I feel like I wanna die today.

00:45:40.320 --> 00:45:42.027
I know Vinay through
grabbing drinks with him

00:45:42.027 --> 00:45:43.923
and like singing and dancing.

00:45:47.640 --> 00:45:50.430
Even though I knew he had
OCD, I never knew it was one

00:45:50.430 --> 00:45:52.500
of the heaviest weights
that he has to deal with

00:45:52.500 --> 00:45:54.000
on a day-to-day basis.

00:45:54.000 --> 00:45:57.663
Like what do I do to
help him in this instant?

00:45:58.560 --> 00:46:00.780
But not knowing what that was either.

00:46:00.780 --> 00:46:02.643
It was definitely hard to hear.

00:46:06.300 --> 00:46:09.177
- Has it gotten to this point

00:46:09.177 --> 00:46:11.700
where Natasha is being lost?

00:46:11.700 --> 00:46:13.770
The Natasha that I've seen.

00:46:13.770 --> 00:46:15.870
Like literally see her and see her aura.

00:46:15.870 --> 00:46:18.150
See her soul since seventh grade.

00:46:18.150 --> 00:46:20.883
I looked in her eyes and I
didn't see Natasha anymore.

00:46:22.220 --> 00:46:25.710
I was like, I don't know who this is.

00:46:25.710 --> 00:46:27.783
There was nothing I really could do.

00:46:28.955 --> 00:46:31.455
(tense music)

00:46:36.420 --> 00:46:38.160
- When I feel like I'm in
danger is when I feel like

00:46:38.160 --> 00:46:39.510
I have to die.

00:46:39.510 --> 00:46:40.773
Like it's a necessity.

00:46:47.340 --> 00:46:49.020
Just like people think, oh
I have to eat lunch today

00:46:49.020 --> 00:46:50.880
or I have to drink water today.

00:46:50.880 --> 00:46:52.230
Oh I need to die.

00:46:52.230 --> 00:46:53.063
How should I do that?

00:46:53.063 --> 00:46:55.563
What should I do before I die?

00:47:00.066 --> 00:47:01.550
- [Family Member] 19 months old.

00:47:03.294 --> 00:47:04.227
- [Family Member] Baby.

00:47:04.227 --> 00:47:05.730
- [Vinay] Just like you're making plans

00:47:05.730 --> 00:47:08.197
for like a wedding or something.

00:47:18.510 --> 00:47:21.060
- I was told you're a great
mom, you're a great wife,

00:47:21.060 --> 00:47:23.070
you're good at your work,
you're good at this.

00:47:23.070 --> 00:47:25.503
And nobody knew what was going on.

00:47:29.760 --> 00:47:32.490
I was two people at all times I felt like.

00:47:32.490 --> 00:47:35.610
I'm Natasha trying to appear normal

00:47:35.610 --> 00:47:40.320
to everybody else and I'm
the soldier in my mind

00:47:40.320 --> 00:47:42.453
fighting this battle that's going on.

00:47:47.730 --> 00:47:50.073
I silently suffered for six years.

00:47:53.280 --> 00:47:58.280
When I could no longer take it, I broke.

00:48:01.680 --> 00:48:04.110
I became severely ill to the point

00:48:04.110 --> 00:48:05.960
where it was hard for me to function.

00:48:08.463 --> 00:48:11.213
(peaceful music)

00:48:19.440 --> 00:48:23.163
- [Vinay] It kind of cuts the
very heart of human nature.

00:48:25.002 --> 00:48:27.213
Are you a good person or not?

00:48:30.480 --> 00:48:33.360
Are you a good partner,
are you a good brother?

00:48:33.360 --> 00:48:36.243
Are you a good uncle, good friend?

00:48:43.020 --> 00:48:48.020
Your mind is telling you, no, you're not.

00:48:48.121 --> 00:48:50.621
(tense music)

00:48:55.903 --> 00:48:59.770
- I was not going to allow
my kids to have an ill mother

00:49:01.907 --> 00:49:03.940
and they deserve to have a great life

00:49:05.430 --> 00:49:06.610
with or without me

00:49:08.370 --> 00:49:12.780
and I wasn't willing to
cause any pain to them.

00:49:12.780 --> 00:49:17.043
So I knew it was better if
I just wasn't there anymore.

00:49:21.480 --> 00:49:23.823
- [Vinay] That was early March 2020.

00:49:26.052 --> 00:49:28.702
- [Natasha] It was the summer of 2014.

00:49:34.789 --> 00:49:38.702
(subway train whooshing)

00:49:38.702 --> 00:49:41.202
(tense music)

00:49:57.630 --> 00:49:59.630
- [Vinay] I wrote a short fiction piece.

00:50:01.800 --> 00:50:03.240
This is two characters talking.

00:50:03.240 --> 00:50:05.163
They are basically strangers.

00:50:07.092 --> 00:50:09.042
They don't really know each other well.

00:50:13.650 --> 00:50:16.770
Snap, the rubber band makes
a particularly loud noise

00:50:16.770 --> 00:50:19.503
this time as it smacks her arm red.

00:50:20.610 --> 00:50:22.260
Sarah flinches at the side of it.

00:50:23.880 --> 00:50:25.230
Why do you do that to yourself?

00:50:25.230 --> 00:50:26.063
Doesn't it hurt?

00:50:29.160 --> 00:50:31.470
The young girl lifts
her head at the question

00:50:31.470 --> 00:50:33.320
and looks straight into Sarah's eyes.

00:50:38.220 --> 00:50:40.080
If you feel the pain here,

00:50:40.080 --> 00:50:42.783
the child says finally
pointing to her wrist,

00:50:45.810 --> 00:50:47.640
you don't feel it as much here she says,

00:50:47.640 --> 00:50:49.498
pointing to her head.

00:50:52.680 --> 00:50:56.588
You don't feel it as much
here, pointing to her heart.

00:50:57.928 --> 00:51:00.428
(tense music)

00:51:15.210 --> 00:51:17.610
- [Rachel] Many years ago, I met someone

00:51:17.610 --> 00:51:19.473
who couldn't use a washing machine.

00:51:20.580 --> 00:51:23.973
In his mind, he saw his
daughter trapped inside.

00:51:25.350 --> 00:51:26.883
Her lungs filled with water.

00:51:28.110 --> 00:51:29.110
I met this father

00:51:30.308 --> 00:51:32.458
at an intensive treatment
facility for OCD.

00:51:33.810 --> 00:51:36.813
Just like him, I was also a patient.

00:51:52.920 --> 00:51:56.370
To end my lifelong struggle with OCD,

00:51:56.370 --> 00:51:59.700
here is the parking garage
I had planned to jump off of

00:51:59.700 --> 00:52:00.873
at age 28.

00:52:05.970 --> 00:52:09.540
As someone who has always
found joy in the everyday,

00:52:09.540 --> 00:52:12.243
I cannot fathom how my
mind took me this far.

00:52:15.930 --> 00:52:18.780
I don't know why some people
have mental illnesses,

00:52:18.780 --> 00:52:21.540
but I do know no one begins life wanting

00:52:21.540 --> 00:52:22.863
an ending like this.

00:52:26.130 --> 00:52:28.800
When you're a child, your
imagination stretches

00:52:28.800 --> 00:52:31.773
to every possible direction
of who you can become.

00:52:33.747 --> 00:52:35.553
- Hello Daddy!
- Hello my love.

00:52:37.860 --> 00:52:40.060
- [Rachel] Could I
become a famous musician,

00:52:44.910 --> 00:52:46.510
an Olympic gold medalist

00:52:49.200 --> 00:52:50.733
or a doctor like my dad?

00:52:54.660 --> 00:52:57.573
But you never dream about
the darker possibilities.

00:52:59.520 --> 00:53:02.010
I never thought I would
become someone who would live

00:53:02.010 --> 00:53:03.843
with a debilitating illness,

00:53:05.700 --> 00:53:08.670
who had panic attacks from strangers,

00:53:08.670 --> 00:53:11.453
who hated how her brain worked

00:53:14.430 --> 00:53:18.540
and who one day had her arms
held back as she was escorted

00:53:18.540 --> 00:53:22.455
by two nurses into a psychiatric ward.

00:53:26.490 --> 00:53:29.640
When your mind takes
you this far to the end,

00:53:29.640 --> 00:53:32.283
you enter a place you never chose to be.

00:53:34.560 --> 00:53:38.373
A place where Natasha, Vinay,
and many others have visited.

00:53:39.270 --> 00:53:41.610
Your sense of reality is lost

00:53:41.610 --> 00:53:45.603
and you find yourself floating.

00:53:48.960 --> 00:53:50.320
Right before you're born

00:53:52.710 --> 00:53:54.303
and just after you've died.

00:53:57.390 --> 00:53:59.433
It's one of the loneliest places.

00:54:00.847 --> 00:54:03.764
(mysterious music)

00:54:15.480 --> 00:54:16.980
When you are here,

00:54:16.980 --> 00:54:19.893
sometimes all you can do is just breathe.

00:54:36.090 --> 00:54:38.610
I know it's impossible
to crawl into my mind

00:54:38.610 --> 00:54:40.851
and understand what it's like.

00:54:42.960 --> 00:54:45.150
Part of me feels embarrassed

00:54:45.150 --> 00:54:47.220
because despite rising public awareness

00:54:47.220 --> 00:54:49.740
and social media hashtags,

00:54:49.740 --> 00:54:51.940
I know there are still
whispers of judgment.

00:55:01.080 --> 00:55:03.300
All I can hope is that we help each other

00:55:03.300 --> 00:55:06.483
imagine every possibility
of who we can become.

00:55:09.330 --> 00:55:12.333
There is a way to rewrite these stories.

00:55:22.920 --> 00:55:23.850
- So this is from an essay

00:55:23.850 --> 00:55:26.520
called I've Been Down Here
Before and I Know the Way Out.

00:55:26.520 --> 00:55:29.403
Surviving 2021 with Suicidal Ideation.

00:55:32.130 --> 00:55:34.050
This also marks a little
more than a full year

00:55:34.050 --> 00:55:37.023
since the closest I've ever
come to a true suicide attempt.

00:55:42.450 --> 00:55:44.040
But I survived.

00:55:44.040 --> 00:55:44.873
I made it.

00:55:47.790 --> 00:55:49.023
And shortly after,

00:55:49.860 --> 00:55:52.710
I went to visit my nephews
and niece in Manhattan.

00:55:52.710 --> 00:55:55.410
My niece was just one at the time.

00:55:55.410 --> 00:55:58.330
When I picked her up, I apologized to her

00:56:01.830 --> 00:56:04.540
'cause like it could have
easily gone the other way

00:56:06.210 --> 00:56:07.810
and she would've lost her uncle.

00:56:09.300 --> 00:56:11.490
So I apologized

00:56:11.490 --> 00:56:14.250
and I told her I'd never
do that to her again

00:56:21.120 --> 00:56:22.851
and I haven't.

00:56:22.851 --> 00:56:24.142
So that's good.

00:56:32.490 --> 00:56:35.430
- My father-in-law had just retired

00:56:35.430 --> 00:56:37.080
and was having a retirement party

00:56:39.780 --> 00:56:43.530
and we were at my mom's house
and this was all occurring

00:56:43.530 --> 00:56:45.423
and my mom and my husband were aware.

00:56:46.830 --> 00:56:50.250
And I told him, I said,

00:56:50.250 --> 00:56:52.240
I'm either gonna kill myself today

00:56:53.880 --> 00:56:56.103
or I'm gonna go to the hospital.

00:57:01.650 --> 00:57:04.320
I didn't know I had a mental illness.

00:57:04.320 --> 00:57:05.890
I just thought I would end up

00:57:06.900 --> 00:57:09.720
in a psych ward for the rest of my life.

00:57:09.720 --> 00:57:13.353
Medicated, not a part of society.

00:57:16.740 --> 00:57:19.260
So now looking back, as
frightening as that place was,

00:57:19.260 --> 00:57:24.260
and as much as I didn't wanna
be there, it saved my life.

00:57:24.300 --> 00:57:27.003
It began my journey to recovery.

00:57:30.867 --> 00:57:35.867
(tense music)
(birds chirping)

00:57:59.670 --> 00:58:02.460
- [Vinay] A huge shift
for me was understanding

00:58:02.460 --> 00:58:04.743
that I shouldn't be
fighting off my thoughts.

00:58:07.950 --> 00:58:11.220
People think their illness is their enemy,

00:58:11.220 --> 00:58:13.237
as if it's like a chess board.

00:58:16.110 --> 00:58:19.650
My pieces and OCD's pieces,
we're at war with each other

00:58:19.650 --> 00:58:21.513
and like, I want these pieces to win.

00:58:23.070 --> 00:58:25.053
And that's not how this works.

00:58:27.960 --> 00:58:30.659
A healthier way to think
of it is you don't want

00:58:30.659 --> 00:58:34.409
to be these pieces, you
want to be the board.

00:58:39.613 --> 00:58:44.492
You wanna be the chess board
that encapsulates all of it.

00:58:44.492 --> 00:58:47.242
(peaceful music)

00:59:03.060 --> 00:59:06.030
- It took me six years
since my symptoms began

00:59:06.030 --> 00:59:08.133
to find out I had OCD.

00:59:10.380 --> 00:59:13.800
The diagnosis actually was
like a weight lifted off

00:59:13.800 --> 00:59:17.880
of my shoulders because I
thought, oh my god, it's not me.

00:59:17.880 --> 00:59:19.920
You know, I have an illness

00:59:19.920 --> 00:59:21.780
and an illness that other people have

00:59:21.780 --> 00:59:25.410
and an illness that I can
learn to manage and adapt to.

00:59:25.410 --> 00:59:29.613
I went through an eight week
outpatient intensive program.

00:59:32.820 --> 00:59:34.803
Treatment isn't linear though.

00:59:35.760 --> 00:59:39.450
You get better, you get
worse, then you get way worse,

00:59:39.450 --> 00:59:40.653
then you get way better.

00:59:41.490 --> 00:59:43.713
It's not always a simple path forward.

00:59:48.548 --> 00:59:52.020
- It took me 11 years to
get any sort of treatment.

00:59:54.810 --> 00:59:56.670
Took another eight years to get treatment

00:59:56.670 --> 00:59:58.023
that made me like stable.

01:00:00.300 --> 01:00:03.150
But I'd really fucking
like those 19 years back.

01:00:03.150 --> 01:00:05.400
Like what could I have
done with those 19 years?

01:00:05.400 --> 01:00:06.300
What could I have written?

01:00:06.300 --> 01:00:08.940
Maybe I would've had a book out by now.

01:00:08.940 --> 01:00:10.470
I could have been in like
Mission Impossible 8,

01:00:10.470 --> 01:00:12.170
I don't know, something like that.

01:00:14.610 --> 01:00:16.830
- There are a number of
reasons why it's difficult

01:00:16.830 --> 01:00:18.960
being able to effectively
engage in treatment

01:00:18.960 --> 01:00:22.080
and eventually get better,
cultural stigma, public stigma,

01:00:22.080 --> 01:00:26.190
financial barriers,
health insurance companies

01:00:26.190 --> 01:00:28.953
making treatment affordable
and accessible to people.

01:00:32.310 --> 01:00:34.530
- Going to a hospital is a privilege.

01:00:34.530 --> 01:00:37.743
Not everyone has those sorts
of resources or opportunities.

01:00:38.820 --> 01:00:41.160
I was in the hospital for
two and a half months.

01:00:41.160 --> 01:00:42.810
So sometimes when people hear that,

01:00:42.810 --> 01:00:43.980
they're like, I don't understand.

01:00:43.980 --> 01:00:46.863
Like why would you be in the
hospital that long for OCD?

01:00:48.330 --> 01:00:50.430
I use different tools like medication,

01:00:50.430 --> 01:00:53.013
meditation, mindfulness, talk therapy,

01:00:56.010 --> 01:00:59.313
but something most folks don't
know about is ERP therapy.

01:01:04.770 --> 01:01:07.230
- So ERP is exposure
and response prevention,

01:01:07.230 --> 01:01:10.080
which is considered the gold
standard treatment for OCD.

01:01:10.080 --> 01:01:13.470
- And essentially what it is,
is exposing the individual

01:01:13.470 --> 01:01:15.360
to their feared situation,

01:01:15.360 --> 01:01:18.930
purposefully causing
that person to be anxious

01:01:18.930 --> 01:01:22.260
and letting them feel their
anxiety without engaging

01:01:22.260 --> 01:01:23.853
in their compulsions.

01:01:27.210 --> 01:01:29.440
We're trying to teach their brain

01:01:29.440 --> 01:01:31.800
that even though anxiety is uncomfortable,

01:01:31.800 --> 01:01:33.750
it's not dangerous.

01:01:33.750 --> 01:01:37.230
Eventually over time by practicing ERP,

01:01:37.230 --> 01:01:40.710
people realize they can
handle their anxieties.

01:01:40.710 --> 01:01:43.803
So ERP helps break the OCD cycle.

01:01:49.470 --> 01:01:51.810
- All right, so we're gonna do an actual

01:01:51.810 --> 01:01:54.716
exposure practice right now.

01:02:07.500 --> 01:02:10.740
Part of my exposure
practice at the hospital

01:02:10.740 --> 01:02:12.843
was to focus on 9/11,

01:02:14.100 --> 01:02:18.990
to listen to these family
calls where you can hear people

01:02:18.990 --> 01:02:22.113
inside the Towers like
calling their family members.

01:02:24.360 --> 01:02:26.250
Every one of these recordings
ends the same way, right?

01:02:26.250 --> 01:02:29.220
Like you know how it's gonna
end like this sound from hell

01:02:29.220 --> 01:02:30.520
and then it just cuts off.

01:02:33.090 --> 01:02:36.648
I just have to listen over and over again.

01:02:42.780 --> 01:02:44.010
- [Interviewer] What
does your mind wanna do

01:02:44.010 --> 01:02:46.160
while you're listening
to these recordings?

01:02:47.550 --> 01:02:49.860
- The compulsions that creep
up are, well first of all,

01:02:49.860 --> 01:02:52.690
I want to just throw this
phone across the room

01:02:54.294 --> 01:02:55.470
and stop doing this

01:02:55.470 --> 01:02:58.320
and like fill your mind
with like positive thoughts

01:02:58.320 --> 01:03:02.343
to reassure yourself in some
way that like, you know,

01:03:03.540 --> 01:03:06.610
this isn't gonna happen
again to me or anyone I know

01:03:07.772 --> 01:03:08.988
or my city.

01:03:11.190 --> 01:03:13.560
But it becomes a compulsion.

01:03:13.560 --> 01:03:14.393
It becomes a cycle.

01:03:14.393 --> 01:03:15.450
You get like trapped.

01:03:15.450 --> 01:03:16.283
It's much more helpful

01:03:16.283 --> 01:03:17.520
to just lean into the discomfort

01:03:17.520 --> 01:03:19.529
and sit with it and practice that.

01:03:19.529 --> 01:03:20.820
I'm sure you can imagine
listening to stuff like this

01:03:20.820 --> 01:03:24.821
for an hour is very taxing and exhausting.

01:03:24.821 --> 01:03:26.040
And this is the treatment, right?

01:03:26.040 --> 01:03:29.313
This isn't the illness, this
is the response to the illness.

01:03:31.590 --> 01:03:33.630
So tomorrow if I'm like at work

01:03:33.630 --> 01:03:35.480
and those thoughts come up naturally,

01:03:36.660 --> 01:03:38.210
well I've practiced what to do.

01:03:39.478 --> 01:03:42.061
(bright music)

01:03:51.660 --> 01:03:53.480
Like that's the work you have to do.

01:04:02.050 --> 01:04:02.883
This is yours too.

01:04:03.960 --> 01:04:05.510
- The exposures might start off

01:04:06.377 --> 01:04:08.880
by even just saying these
intrusive thoughts out loud.

01:04:08.880 --> 01:04:10.770
Then we move on to exposures

01:04:10.770 --> 01:04:12.783
that could look a little bit surprising.

01:04:14.280 --> 01:04:16.202
For example,

01:04:16.202 --> 01:04:19.470
if an individual is worried
about killing their family,

01:04:19.470 --> 01:04:22.050
then they would write
a really detailed story

01:04:22.050 --> 01:04:26.670
about what that could look
like, going into the kitchen,

01:04:26.670 --> 01:04:30.693
getting some knives, where they
would stab the individuals.

01:04:34.140 --> 01:04:37.703
- I can't write it out.
- It's okay.

01:04:41.274 --> 01:04:42.974
It's okay, we don't have to do it.

01:04:45.750 --> 01:04:47.820
- I don't know, I just
don't like writing it down,

01:04:47.820 --> 01:04:48.660
like the thoughts

01:04:48.660 --> 01:04:52.050
'cause it makes it, I fucking hate it.

01:04:52.050 --> 01:04:54.450
I know writing it down
doesn't prove anything, right?

01:04:54.450 --> 01:04:56.490
It just makes me really uncomfortable.

01:04:56.490 --> 01:04:58.680
All right, I'm gonna do it
because I feel like I should,

01:04:58.680 --> 01:05:01.713
it's good for me to get through this part.

01:05:02.762 --> 01:05:04.230
It's therapy.

01:05:04.230 --> 01:05:06.540
I should be paying you.

01:05:06.540 --> 01:05:08.280
While hanging photos on the wall,

01:05:08.280 --> 01:05:11.310
I had an intrusive thought
of hitting Eliana on the head

01:05:11.310 --> 01:05:14.730
with the hammer, images of
the hammer breaking her skull

01:05:14.730 --> 01:05:17.280
and blood pouring out, repeated in my mind

01:05:17.280 --> 01:05:19.353
over and over and over again.

01:05:22.367 --> 01:05:25.500
- How are you feeling?
- My stomach hurts.

01:05:25.500 --> 01:05:26.333
Yeah.

01:05:27.750 --> 01:05:28.770
- [Interviewer] Do you
wanna try reading it

01:05:28.770 --> 01:05:30.630
over and over again?

01:05:30.630 --> 01:05:32.340
- While hanging photos on the wall,

01:05:32.340 --> 01:05:33.510
I had an intrusive thought

01:05:33.510 --> 01:05:35.910
of hitting Eliana on the
head with the hammer.

01:05:35.910 --> 01:05:38.130
- We generally start to see anxiety

01:05:38.130 --> 01:05:41.820
around their feared situation
gradually starting to decrease

01:05:41.820 --> 01:05:46.260
because they have exposed
themselves to it so many times.

01:05:46.260 --> 01:05:47.730
- I had an intrusive thought
of hitting Ellie on the head

01:05:47.730 --> 01:05:50.280
with the hammer, while
hanging photos on the wall,

01:05:50.280 --> 01:05:52.320
I had an intrusive thought
of hitting, pouring out,

01:05:52.320 --> 01:05:54.120
repeated in my mind, images of the hammer,

01:05:54.120 --> 01:05:56.400
breaking her skull, while
hanging photos on the wall,

01:05:56.400 --> 01:05:58.170
I had an intrusive thought of images

01:05:58.170 --> 01:05:59.730
of the hammer breaking her skull

01:05:59.730 --> 01:06:03.033
and blood pouring out, repeated
in my mind over and over.

01:06:05.010 --> 01:06:06.303
So ridiculous.

01:06:08.790 --> 01:06:11.643
It's like, yeah, it's like ridiculous.

01:06:12.480 --> 01:06:15.970
- How do the words feel now?
- Like

01:06:17.370 --> 01:06:18.986
powerless.

01:06:28.428 --> 01:06:31.749
- The goal is not to be fearless.

01:06:31.749 --> 01:06:33.748
The goal is to be brave.

01:06:39.300 --> 01:06:42.810
So if you're not scared of a forest

01:06:42.810 --> 01:06:44.640
and then you walk into a forest,

01:06:44.640 --> 01:06:46.860
that's a very boring story, right?

01:06:46.860 --> 01:06:49.203
I don't need to hear anymore about that.

01:06:50.670 --> 01:06:53.340
But if you're terrified of the forest,

01:06:53.340 --> 01:06:57.390
if the very idea keeps you
up at night and haunts you

01:06:57.390 --> 01:07:00.780
and then you walk into the
forest, well that's brave

01:07:00.780 --> 01:07:03.870
and that's a story worth telling.

01:07:03.870 --> 01:07:08.870
(peaceful music)
(water pattering)

01:07:14.160 --> 01:07:16.590
- You never know what
can be thrown at you,

01:07:16.590 --> 01:07:18.150
whether, you know, a mental illness,

01:07:18.150 --> 01:07:19.530
a physical illness, a death.

01:07:19.530 --> 01:07:22.410
I mean, life happens

01:07:22.410 --> 01:07:25.623
and if there's one thing
that you can maintain,

01:07:27.030 --> 01:07:29.670
it's continuing to work on yourself

01:07:29.670 --> 01:07:33.663
because at the end of the
day, you're all you have.

01:07:50.927 --> 01:07:53.400
It is been almost two years
since we filmed the documentary

01:07:53.400 --> 01:07:55.446
and a lot has happened.

01:07:57.360 --> 01:08:00.190
My husband and I got divorced

01:08:03.300 --> 01:08:05.703
and we now share custody of our children.

01:08:08.160 --> 01:08:10.803
In all honesty, it's
been a long time coming.

01:08:15.900 --> 01:08:17.040
It's been difficult,

01:08:17.040 --> 01:08:19.680
but my journey with OCD
has made me more resilient

01:08:19.680 --> 01:08:22.180
and has strengthened my
relationship with my kids.

01:08:24.480 --> 01:08:29.460
I fought through for them
so that I could teach them

01:08:29.460 --> 01:08:30.840
what they're capable of.

01:08:30.840 --> 01:08:33.360
I look forward to the
day that I can sit down

01:08:33.360 --> 01:08:35.313
and show them this documentary.

01:08:37.680 --> 01:08:41.373
Asking for help is a sign of
strength, not of weakness.

01:08:47.400 --> 01:08:51.510
Participating in this documentary
is fighting the stigma.

01:08:51.510 --> 01:08:52.770
It's going against it.

01:08:52.770 --> 01:08:54.723
It's proving that it's wrong.

01:08:56.550 --> 01:08:58.860
If we're surrounded by dragons,

01:08:58.860 --> 01:09:02.249
don't you want to be a dragon slayer?

01:09:02.249 --> 01:09:04.832
(bright music)

01:09:13.020 --> 01:09:15.632
- [Sanjana] I think I found a bookstore

01:09:15.632 --> 01:09:17.640
that has a Diwali section.

01:09:17.640 --> 01:09:22.628
- Oh, where, where's that?
- Financial district.

01:09:25.770 --> 01:09:28.881
- It's a little far, but we
can go in the afternoon maybe

01:09:28.881 --> 01:09:30.900
and then pick up some books for my nephews

01:09:30.900 --> 01:09:32.340
before we see them tomorrow.

01:09:32.340 --> 01:09:34.860
- It's always good to have more excuses

01:09:34.860 --> 01:09:38.040
to celebrate at another holiday.

01:09:38.040 --> 01:09:39.720
- I met Sanjana through work.

01:09:39.720 --> 01:09:42.396
We're both community organizers.

01:09:46.667 --> 01:09:48.993
We're gonna be married soon.

01:09:50.040 --> 01:09:53.190
We're living together,
living a happy, stable life,

01:09:53.190 --> 01:09:56.526
which a long time ago
seemed impossible to me.

01:09:57.729 --> 01:10:00.312
(bright music)

01:10:15.370 --> 01:10:18.063
I am excited for this movie to come out.

01:10:19.598 --> 01:10:21.930
There's gotta be at least one
kid out there who's gonna see

01:10:21.930 --> 01:10:24.990
this be like, oh, this
Vinay guy seems to have

01:10:24.990 --> 01:10:28.525
what I have and he seems pretty cool.

01:10:34.080 --> 01:10:35.643
OCD is still with me.

01:10:37.470 --> 01:10:38.700
It's a chronic illness.

01:10:38.700 --> 01:10:40.260
It's a difficult illness.

01:10:40.260 --> 01:10:41.952
It takes a toll on you.

01:10:45.930 --> 01:10:48.483
That forest will always be there.

01:10:50.730 --> 01:10:52.780
But that doesn't mean you can't be happy.

01:10:53.790 --> 01:10:55.350
It doesn't mean you can't engage

01:10:55.350 --> 01:10:58.260
in what you think is important.

01:10:58.260 --> 01:10:59.543
It doesn't mean you can't be

01:10:59.543 --> 01:11:01.415
with the people you love.

01:11:03.090 --> 01:11:05.820
The camera right on me, I
was like spilling all of it.

01:11:05.820 --> 01:11:07.291
I'm like, this is not how you make coffee.

01:11:07.291 --> 01:11:08.129
- The cup

01:11:08.129 --> 01:11:11.629
is like overflowing.
- It was overflowing.

01:11:14.384 --> 01:11:17.134
(peaceful music)

01:11:44.459 --> 01:11:45.292
- [Rachel] Having the ability

01:11:45.292 --> 01:11:47.910
to share these stories is both a privilege

01:11:47.910 --> 01:11:51.903
and a challenge, a blessing and a curse.

01:11:57.210 --> 01:12:00.306
It's taken a lot to still be here today.

01:12:03.090 --> 01:12:08.090
Hard work and patience, prayers and tears.

01:12:12.780 --> 01:12:16.053
Support from my friends and my family.

01:12:20.250 --> 01:12:22.920
And I know there's still
challenges ahead for myself

01:12:22.920 --> 01:12:27.335
and these two brave people
who have shared their stories.

01:12:30.750 --> 01:12:34.743
But I often wonder, could
these stories be rewritten?

01:12:36.225 --> 01:12:38.370
- [Vinay] I'd really fucking
like those 19 years back,

01:12:38.370 --> 01:12:41.070
like what could I have done?

01:12:42.930 --> 01:12:46.813
- [Rachel] What if we viewed
mental health differently?

01:12:50.760 --> 01:12:54.571
Provided access to care efficiently?

01:12:59.280 --> 01:13:02.270
Approached each other empathetically?

01:13:08.100 --> 01:13:10.610
Could we rewrite these stories?

01:13:17.151 --> 01:13:19.740
The next time someone says OCD,

01:13:19.740 --> 01:13:22.380
let's pause to acknowledge
the silent struggles

01:13:22.380 --> 01:13:26.047
that continue to unfold
around us every day.

01:14:00.018 --> 01:14:03.601
(peaceful music continues)

01:14:31.574 --> 01:14:35.157
(peaceful music continues)

01:15:00.372 --> 01:15:03.955
(peaceful music continues)

01:15:38.494 --> 01:15:41.661
(peaceful music ends)