The Vanishing Line

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When does life become a fate worse than death? In this age of medical 'miracles,' an increasing number of doctors, patients and their families are being forced to deal with this troubling, complex and universal question. THE VANISHING LINE, a contemplative, personal film by physician/filmmaker Maren Monsen, explores the timeless implications of this modern medical dilemma. Monsen takes viewers on a lyrical and heartfelt quest to discover an 'art of dying' in a world that taught her how to prolong life, but offered few prescriptions for coping with death.

For doctors, death means failure. THE VANISHING LINE chronicles Monsen's personal and professional challenge regarding end-of-life issues.

'I'll never forget that phone call, the first time I was asked to pronounce someone dead,' Monsen recalls at the start of the film. 'I'd only been working in the emergency room a few weeks. Medical school had prepared me to treat disease but I had absolutely no idea how to deal with death. Our job is to keep people alive. So what was I really doing? Prolonging life, or prolonging death?'

Combining poetic imagery, clear-eyed documentary footage, and soul-searching commentary, Monsen evokes a provocative vocabulary for her exploration of death. Dramatic action sequences of emergency-room resuscitations are woven with a rich tapestry of images that includes three women in Greek chitons spinning the thread of life, a potent visual reminder that no matter how advanced medical technology becomes, life and death remain essentially beyond our control.

Monsen also follows Jim Brigham, a hospice social worker,as he visits the homes of some of his terminally ill clients. All are laying the groundwork for their imminent deaths, negotiating in advance whether or not they want to be resuscitated, what comfort measures will be taken, and whether to go to a hospital or die at home. Brigham shares the story of his wife Cay's prolonged death from multiple sclerosis in 1986, and explains how that experience profoundly affected the way he views the end of life: 'This act of dying, of completing one's life, does not have to be a terrible and horrible thing,' he says.

'I hope that after seeing this film, people will look at death in a different way,' says Monsen. 'I think that by putting an emphasis on the length of life and postponing death at all costs, people really lose the idea of having a good death, which I think is something very important. We talk about quality of life, yet never quality of death. What I learned in the process of making this film is that there are a lot of things physicians can do, even if they can't cure the disease. They can provide medication to ease the symptoms. They can provide compassion and support. And they can give the patients the information they need to understand how their disease or their death might unfold.'

THE VANISHING LINE chronicles one physician's exploration of how to try and meet the needs of the dying and their families and looks at the choices and concerns involved in treating what has no cure with the right balance of technology, compassion and care.

'Inspiring!' -The Seattle Times

'Highly Recommended! Viewers will be prompted to weigh both sides of this difficult issue. For academic health science collections, social work programs and hospice programs.' -Educational Media Reviews Online

'Marries the clear-eyed directedness of science to the raw honesty and fluid visual vocabulary of the arts.'-Philadelphia Weekly

'A highly articulate documentary! Creates a vivid and illuminating revelation of how those who are dying might be better served.' -The Hollywood Reporter

'Compelling! Maren Monsen brings a unique perspective to this polished production.'-Booklist

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Main credits

Grainger-Monsen, Maren (film director)
Grainger-Monsen, Maren (film producer)
Grainger-Monsen, Maren (screenwriter)
Crawford, Olivia (screenwriter)
Brigham, Jim (on-screen participant)

Other credits

Editors, Yasha Aginsky, Dawn Logsdon; cinematographers, Donald Matthew Smith, Fawn Yacker, Wah Hom Chan; music by Davka.

MARC Record See Worldcat record

Keywords

death; dying; ethics; medical; Monsen; Maren; grief; doctor; patient; relationship; hospice; care; Art of Medicine; empathy; horpitalization; documentary; film; video; thanatology; "The Vanishing Line"; Icarus Films

WEBVTT

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[music]

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I\'ll never forget that phone call the first
time I was asked to pronounce someone dead.

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I\'d only been working in the
emergency room for a few weeks.

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Medical school had prepared
me to treat the disease

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but I had absolutely no idea
how to deal with death.

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[music] But they did give us a book

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for just this kind of situation.

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[music] I followed the book, it was simple.

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But it was the first time I\'d ever
been alone in a room with someone

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who was dead.

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[music]

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Next morning I was still thinking
about pronouncing death.

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Why had I felt so afraid? And why had
I also felt so distant from it all?

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I remembered a story that had fascinated me

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as a child. A Greek myth about death.

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[music]

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From the moment we are born our lives are in
the hands of the three fates. And whether we

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know it or not these three fates will be
there in the shadows our whole life long

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. One saint spins

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the thread of our life. The second
measures how long we will live,

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and the third fate cuts the thread.

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Okay. Start ventilating, the IV going.
What kind of pressure do we have.

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It\'s normal. Okay. What kind of rhythm?
It\'s good.

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Let\'s get(inaudible) Okay. I\'m going to get ready to incubate.
That\'s definitely not how doctors like me are trained to think.

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In emergency medicine we\'re taught
to intervene and be in control.

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Our job is to keep people alive.

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Check breathe sounds. I knew how to
resuscitate patients with no heart beat

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, but only 1 in 100 ever leaves
the hospital alive.(crosstalk)

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Okay, start chest compressions
and get ready to shock.

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Everybody clear.

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[sil.] So what was I really doing,
prolonging life or prolonging

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death.

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[sil.]

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[music] The crisis point for
me was one day in the ER.

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The medics rushed in with a man barely
able to breathe. We leaped into action.

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The procedure to resuscitate is difficult and
there\'s always that moment when you wonder

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if you\'re going to be able to do it.

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I succeeded in intubating
him and we saved him.

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Then his chart arrived he
didn\'t to be resuscitated.

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With his Okay, we pulled
the tube and then we left.

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A few minutes later I

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was going past his room and
saw him lying there dying.

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Before there were so many of
us doing everything we could.

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Now he was completely alone.

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I stood there wanting to go in.
Then I realized

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what would I say. What would I do?

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I felt that what I had to
offer just wasn\'t enough.

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I even began to wonder if I could
keep on practicing medicine.

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I was troubled

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so I went to get some advice from my
friend Jim Brighman. Who\'s a social worker

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for a hospice program. Jim soon
became a very important person

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in my life. He set me on a path
that completely changed my

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feelings about death and dying people.
He didn\'t exactly

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give me advice. He just invited
me on his hospice rounds.

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The first home visit we went on
together was to Tex, a man dying

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from heart failure.

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[sil.] Tex.

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Howdy. How are you doing? I\'m okay,
I\'m okay. I\'m doing better than you

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I think today. He\'s not very good today.
You had a rough night.

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Bad day. Extremely. Yeah. You had,
you and Mary both had a rough

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night. (inaudible)

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Oh, oh. Mm-hmm, you pretty,
you pretty tired Tex.

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Yes. Yeah. I thought today

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I uh, uh, felt so bad. I thought

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the time had come. Mm-hmm. You thought
that the end had come. Really.

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It was feeling that bad. Last night you
were feeling so bad that you thought

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it was the end. Oh. Was that uh, was that

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frightening? Were you sacred?
Yes. Huh. Yes.

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Yeah. Walking into this dying man\'s room
was hard because I knew I wasn\'t there

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as a doctor. Everything in me wanted
to rush right in and do something

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for Tex. I never stood by and
watched as death approached.

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I didn\'t like feeling helpless.

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I\'m right here. I know uh, huh, huh.

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No, no.

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You, I.

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[music]

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Our next visit was with Sean,
who\'s ill with Lou Gehrig\'s

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Disease. In Sean\'s case what
he\'s decided to do is to uh,

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just allow himself to have uh, uh, a
natural ending to his life when his

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respiratory system fails and to not be placed
on a ventilator. So, for that reason he\'s a

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hospice patient. And his parents
have supported him in that.

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It\'s a difficult decision and I know that\'s very hard
for them. But they\'ve supported him in their uh,

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carrying for him in their home.
I\'ve been thinking that uh,

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we have to get some
paperwork signed with Sean,

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you know, uh, and I\'m having a lot
trouble bringing it up to him.

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Mmm. Uh, because I don\'t want him
to think we\'re there to, you know,

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just or, you know, that the end is near or
something. I don\'t want that to happen.

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Okay. And uh, I was wondering do
you have ever talk to him about

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that or do you ever help in or.
I could. What, when you say

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paperwork? Oh, things like
access to his bank account

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when he dies or before. Mm-hmm. And I keep
dragging my feet on it and I keep thinking,

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you know, we should do this. You know,
it\'s going to be bad enough when he gets

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really bad, you know. Plus it\'s hard for you to talk
about it with him. Yeah. It\'s hard for me to talk

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to him about it. Yeah. Hello.
Hello. Well, we\'re here.

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Sean this is Maren Monsen. How do you
doing? Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you.

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People with good health often say they
want a natural death. But what about

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when you\'re actually close to death when
all the concrete events of dying take over

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your body. Your mom asked me
to talk to you about this.

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In preparing uh, legal things and all that for the
time when you\'re not able to speak for yourself

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or, or if you actually died. Uh,
you know, like, like access

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to your, your savings and those sort of legal
formalities. Yes. Right. And Power of Attorney.

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. And she asked me if I would bring that up to you.
One, because it\'s just hard for her to talk about it.

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You know what I mean. Yeah. Yeah.
Right. Because she\'s your mom.

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Yeah. That\'s not much. It\'s just signing some
forms and. Right. It seems like no big deal.

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Just signing some forms. To my assets. Yeah.
Right. So. Well, I\'d knew you\'d say that.

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Right. That it was no big deal but to her to even
bring it up is a big deal because it\'s like.

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Yeah. Facing that you\'re going to
be deteriorated like that. Right.

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And she doesn\'t want that to happen. So. Jim
made it look so simple and straight forward.

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So normal. He seemed at ease with death.
I wish I learned

00:11:00.000 --> 00:11:04.999
that in medical school.

00:11:05.000 --> 00:11:13.000
[music]

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I asked Jim how he was able to do
this kind of work and he told me

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the story of the death of his wife Cay.

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[music] I was married for

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24 years to uh, an incredibly strong

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and lovely person. And um, the last
12 years of our life to together

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were marked by her having
gotten a diagnosis early

00:12:10.000 --> 00:12:14.999
uh, multiple sclerosis. And I went through
the journey with her, I guess, of

00:12:15.000 --> 00:12:19.999
um, of, of living and dying.
Living with a chronic illness

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and dying from that illness.

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The first time seemed like we really came up against
making a choice about some intervention that would keep

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life going was when she went into the
hospital for some other procedure. I forget

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what it was. And by then she had uh, lost a lot of
weight because she was really having a hard time

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swallowing. She went in the hospital and one
of the nurses or somebody kind of looked

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at her and said, my god, let\'s weigh her, you
know. Oh, she only weighs 85 pounds or something.

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Um, and, and then I looked at her and
thought, oh yeah, she does look pretty um,

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pretty thin. And I could see, that, they, they were
kind of horrified by this. I wasn\'t horrified by

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it because I lived with her. This was her body,
and her body was changing. But uh, it somehow

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the, the statement was made like well you have
to do something about this. You can\'t just

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let her starve. You have to do some intervention.
There\'s something we can do. We can put a tube in her.

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Cay\'s first reaction was, a tube. I don\'t want
any tubes in me. Why would I want a tube in me?

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No. Tell, tell them I don\'t want to do that.
I felt kind of intimidated by this system.

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Like well, I would have to be standing up
saying, yeah. I want you to let my wife starve

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or like I\'d have to advocate for that. That didn\'t
feel right. And, and I sort of felt like guilty.

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Like, well if I don\'t go along with this I\'m a bad person
or something. Even though I thought she doesn\'t want to do

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this and I don\'t think I really want to do this
but there didn\'t feel like a whole lot of choice.

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[music] I could see how Jim felt.

00:14:05.000 --> 00:14:09.999
Yet all my instincts as a doctor rebelled. Could I possibly
let a women die knowing that I could keep her alive

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with something as simple as a feeding tube.
I couldn\'t imagine

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it.

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[music] That afternoon we went to

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visit one of Jim\'s patients whose also
about to have surgery to insert a

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feeding tube.

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We have patients who elect to not have tubes put
in because they say I don\'t want to do anything

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to prolong my life. And I don\'t want to do anything extra.
And I don\'t want do any, you know, that kind of thing.

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Yeah. Well, it\'s, it\'s not a profound deal.
Right. It\'s. it\'s not a big deal.

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It\'s uh, I have some length
of time to live. Mm-hmm.

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I feel pretty good. Mm-hmm. I feel that length
of time is going to be fairly extensive.

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Mm-hmm. I feel that the time is going to be fairly
extensive. Mm-hmm. And I want to enjoy that time. Right.

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So, it\'s just strictly pragmatic.
It\'s not so profound that uh. Right.

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To be or not to be or uh,
prolong, prolong it.

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I just want to make it better.

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[music] He was right. A feeding
tube is not a big deal surgically.

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But I found myself thinking about it,
not only as a medical procedure.

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It felt much bigger than that.
For many people it causes

00:15:50.000 --> 00:15:54.999
a profound change in their
life and their death.

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It made me think of a child I\'d
taken cared of once, a young

00:16:00.000 --> 00:16:04.999
boy.

00:16:05.000 --> 00:16:09.999
Yeah. This is called a button. I
don\'t know, a button something.

00:16:10.000 --> 00:16:14.999
And uh, he gets fed right into the stomach.

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It\'s about 5 years ago, a little over
5 years ago, 5 and a half years ago,

00:16:20.000 --> 00:16:24.999
my son um, drowned in a um, swimming pool.

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He was a near drowning. Um, he was
dead on arrival at the hospital.

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And it took them about 40 minutes to
get his heart going again. And um,

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amazingly they, they got his heart going.
And at that point we didn\'t know

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what his condition would be. And
he was taken by helicopter to um,

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to uh, Valley Medical where
they uh, they worked on him.

00:16:50.000 --> 00:16:54.999
For the first three days they say are
real critical. And um, anyways he ended

00:16:55.000 --> 00:16:59.999
up having severe brain damage.
And um, but on the other hand,

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he\'s lived all these five years. One
more now. Five and a half years, he\'s

00:17:05.000 --> 00:17:09.999
doing pretty good.

00:17:10.000 --> 00:17:14.999
I couldn\'t get that child\'s face
out of my mind. We had helped

00:17:15.000 --> 00:17:19.999
prolong this boy\'s life indefinitely.
If we hadn\'t he

00:17:20.000 --> 00:17:24.999
might of been able to slip away.
Now his death would be hard.

00:17:25.000 --> 00:17:29.999
In whose interest did we inserted the tube.

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I wondered what I would do if
I had to make a decision like

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that for someone I love. How would
Jim face that decision with

00:17:40.000 --> 00:17:44.999
Cay? We sat up and they
did this procedure and

00:17:45.000 --> 00:17:49.999
left her with a rubber tube sticking out of her
stomach with a thing on the end that could be adapted

00:17:50.000 --> 00:17:54.999
so that I could pour liquid
uh, foods into this tube

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and then into her stomach.

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And I remember thinking, ah, geeze
what have we gotten ourselves into.

00:18:05.000 --> 00:18:09.999
Why do we have to feed
the patient like this?

00:18:10.000 --> 00:18:14.999
Because if we don\'t she\'ll die.

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Why is she here? Because she\'s dying.

00:18:20.000 --> 00:18:24.999
Okay. Let\'s start again.

00:18:25.000 --> 00:18:29.999
Why do we have to feed the patient
like this? So she won\'t die.

00:18:30.000 --> 00:18:34.999
And why is she here?

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And so the very first day and the first night
that I could pour those things into her,

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I, I finally kind of got the rhythm done as how to
do it but she just sort of blew up like a balloon.

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Actually she looked like she was pregnant. So, finally I called the
emergency room and they said, Oh, no. It\'s not supposed to be that way.

00:18:50.000 --> 00:18:54.999
Um, there had been a, a problem.
And uh, I rushed her

00:18:55.000 --> 00:18:59.999
to the emergency room. After uh a few
hours they determined and they came in

00:19:00.000 --> 00:19:04.999
and said to me that uh, her stomach

00:19:05.000 --> 00:19:09.999
had filled up with gas, her abdomen. And that this was
definitely life threatening and this couldn\'t go on.

00:19:10.000 --> 00:19:14.999
And, and that we would have to
do a surgery to correct it. Um,

00:19:15.000 --> 00:19:19.999
and I, I remember that
when the doctor told me,

00:19:20.000 --> 00:19:24.999
we\'re going to have to do a surgery to correct
it. I, I just broke into tears. And I just said,

00:19:25.000 --> 00:19:29.999
but she\'ll die.

00:19:30.000 --> 00:19:38.000
[sil.] And so, as I was sort
of coaching her on what I

00:19:40.000 --> 00:19:44.999
thought would be her death soon since they were going
to take her into the surgery room. She said, \"No.

00:19:45.000 --> 00:19:49.999
I\'m not going to die now.\" And I said, \"But you\'ll
never be able to survive this.\" And she said,

00:19:50.000 --> 00:19:54.999
\"I\'m not going to die now.\"

00:19:55.000 --> 00:19:59.999
The surgeon came out after several hours and
came to us in the waiting room and smiled.

00:20:00.000 --> 00:20:04.999
And said, \"Geeze she\'s really something.\" Huh.
And I thought to myself partly, Oh my, Oh, no.

00:20:05.000 --> 00:20:09.999
Oh, no, more of this. But
basically he said, she survived.

00:20:10.000 --> 00:20:14.999
She\'s doing pretty well. Um, given her
condition it\'s pret-, it\'s quite amazing

00:20:15.000 --> 00:20:19.999
but she\'s, she\'s doing okay. Uh, but he
said to us but she\'ll be in the uh, um,

00:20:20.000 --> 00:20:24.999
intensive care unit. And it\'s sort of standard
procedure. You need to know she has a tube

00:20:25.000 --> 00:20:29.999
down her and a machine is assisting her to
breathe. Um, and I remember thinking wait

00:20:30.000 --> 00:20:34.999
a minute I thought we had, we had planned
like we wouldn\'t get into this situation.

00:20:35.000 --> 00:20:43.000
[sil.] He said, it\'s standard care right
now for us to put, to intubate her

00:21:00.000 --> 00:21:04.999
post-surgically. And we just,
there\'s no choice about that. Um,

00:21:05.000 --> 00:21:09.999
but he said if after a while she\'ll, she should
improve and they would take that tube out.

00:21:10.000 --> 00:21:14.999
He said, if you want to not have
these kinds of interventions

00:21:15.000 --> 00:21:19.999
you really better let the medical staff know now
and get it straight because you may be faced with

00:21:20.000 --> 00:21:24.999
this choice.

00:21:25.000 --> 00:21:33.000
[music]

00:21:50.000 --> 00:21:54.999
She\'s needing respiratory help. No.
Okay. Start ventilating her.

00:21:55.000 --> 00:21:59.999
What kind of pressure do we have? Pressures fine. Okay. Let\'s
see. My first reaction was, of course, she wouldn\'t want to be

00:22:00.000 --> 00:22:04.999
resuscitated. I wouldn\'t.
And I thought how strange

00:22:05.000 --> 00:22:09.999
I\'ve spent years of my life learning how to do
something for people I\'d never want done to myself.

00:22:10.000 --> 00:22:14.999
[sil.]

00:22:15.000 --> 00:22:19.999
I realized I never really
thought about my own death.

00:22:20.000 --> 00:22:24.999
When I did try to imagine
it, it felt completely

00:22:25.000 --> 00:22:29.999
bizarre. All those old stories about people

00:22:30.000 --> 00:22:34.999
buried alive. When they dug them up, they found
gouges on the inside of the coffin lids.

00:22:35.000 --> 00:22:39.999
I guess that\'s why they invented
the coffin escape mechanism.

00:22:40.000 --> 00:22:44.999
If the person buried should come to life

00:22:45.000 --> 00:22:49.999
a motion of his hands will turn the
T-shaped pipe B. If the person then pushes

00:22:50.000 --> 00:22:54.999
the pipe B upward and pushes
the cover off the top of box

00:22:55.000 --> 00:22:59.999
a supply of air will be enter to the coffin through
the pipes and will keep him alive \'til help arrives.

00:23:00.000 --> 00:23:08.000
[music] Maybe deep down

00:23:10.000 --> 00:23:14.999
none of us really believes we\'ll ever die.

00:23:15.000 --> 00:23:23.000
[music] Jim took me to meet
someone who was looking

00:23:30.000 --> 00:23:34.999
death straight on, Anna Marie, a woman

00:23:35.000 --> 00:23:39.999
with lymphoma.

00:23:40.000 --> 00:23:48.000
[music] Once you go into the hospital

00:23:50.000 --> 00:23:54.999
you really have to keep an eye on this
whole extraordinary means things. Right.

00:23:55.000 --> 00:23:59.999
Cause it\'s starts to happen real fast all of a
sudden people in the hospital start doing things.

00:24:00.000 --> 00:24:04.999
So, since I know that you, you
talk a lot about this and an

00:24:05.000 --> 00:24:09.999
issue for you is not doing
extraordinary means. We want uh,

00:24:10.000 --> 00:24:14.999
make sure you get as near as
comfortable as you can in the hospital

00:24:15.000 --> 00:24:19.999
without making that move
over to extraordinary means.

00:24:20.000 --> 00:24:24.999
I could assign those ordinary comfort
measures. Mm-hmm. Good. Okay.

00:24:25.000 --> 00:24:29.999
So that\'s. I\'m ready to rock. Mm-hmm. Yeah.

00:24:30.000 --> 00:24:34.999
You know, each of these
are like little choices

00:24:35.000 --> 00:24:39.999
that people have to make because. I think so.
Some people so much not want to go in a hospital

00:24:40.000 --> 00:24:44.999
or do anything that they will
consider that more than they want

00:24:45.000 --> 00:24:49.999
to do. And there are people who don\'t even go
in to, to be made comfortable in this way,

00:24:50.000 --> 00:24:54.999
let\'s say. Because they so much don\'t even want to
go in a hospital. Other people choose the way you

00:24:55.000 --> 00:24:59.999
are, which is that they would want to take
certain measures to try to uh, at least be more

00:25:00.000 --> 00:25:04.999
comfortable.

00:25:05.000 --> 00:25:09.999
Ambulance is here? The ambulance is here.
Okay. Which way did you decide?

00:25:10.000 --> 00:25:14.999
Well, they\'re out there sorting it out
here. So, that\'s the next step. Okay.

00:25:15.000 --> 00:25:19.999
Well, you want the ginger ale?

00:25:20.000 --> 00:25:24.999
Okay? I do the heavy drinking around here.

00:25:25.000 --> 00:25:29.999
What is that? It\'s Ginger Ale.

00:25:30.000 --> 00:25:34.999
[sil.]

00:25:35.000 --> 00:25:39.999
It\'s ghastly.

00:25:40.000 --> 00:25:48.000
[sil.] Jim helps people decide how
much medical intervention they want

00:25:50.000 --> 00:25:54.999
but to do that he has to accept that they\'re
dying. And that\'s hard for me to do.

00:25:55.000 --> 00:25:59.999
My medical training focused on procedures.
Not on how to talk with patients

00:26:00.000 --> 00:26:04.999
about their death. An

00:26:05.000 --> 00:26:09.999
uncomfortable thought was creeping into
my mind. Was the problem just my training

00:26:10.000 --> 00:26:14.999
or was it my own terror of
looking death in the face.

00:26:15.000 --> 00:26:23.000
[music] I begin to see how much planning

00:26:35.000 --> 00:26:39.999
a patient must do to avoid being
taken over by the medical machine,

00:26:40.000 --> 00:26:44.999
by people like me.

00:26:45.000 --> 00:26:49.999
So, I went to talk to Cay and I said, look
we have to get clear about this. Um, uh

00:26:50.000 --> 00:26:54.999
they have this tube out now but we\'re going to have to
make a choice about whether you would want them to do this

00:26:55.000 --> 00:26:59.999
again to save your live and keep you going.
So, we talked a little bit and she was uh,

00:27:00.000 --> 00:27:04.999
you know, this is the difficulty of this. I mean, if anybody\'s
that\'s ever been through this, somebody being in ICU

00:27:05.000 --> 00:27:09.999
and going, you know, and having gone through all this
you\'ve been through. She kind of looked at me and said,

00:27:10.000 --> 00:27:14.999
\"Ah, I, I can\'t decide. I don\'t know.\" She said,
\"just, just talk to them. You tell, you tell them\",

00:27:15.000 --> 00:27:19.999
she said. So, I did. I went out and I said,

00:27:20.000 --> 00:27:24.999
\"We\'ve had this discussion and uh, it\'s
our wish for her to not be intubated

00:27:25.000 --> 00:27:29.999
again if that were necessary if she were to go.\" And they
said, \"Okay.\" And they recorded that in their chart.

00:27:30.000 --> 00:27:34.999
And but, the next day when her

00:27:35.000 --> 00:27:39.999
regular physician came in and did her
rounds, she said to me, I see she\'s made

00:27:40.000 --> 00:27:44.999
up her mind or something like that. I
don\'t know. So, I said to the doctor

00:27:45.000 --> 00:27:49.999
who was uh, a friend of ours, you know. We,
we become friendly. And I said to her,

00:27:50.000 --> 00:27:54.999
\"Look I need to tell you something.\" I
said, \"She sort of left it to me to decide

00:27:55.000 --> 00:27:59.999
and um. And so, you know, we talked
about this enough and I put in there.

00:28:00.000 --> 00:28:04.999
This doctor I felt in very wise ways said,
\"You know, in my experience if she didn\'t say

00:28:05.000 --> 00:28:09.999
the words then she hasn\'t really decided.\"

00:28:10.000 --> 00:28:14.999
And this is where it gets so hard. Her personality
was a kind of keep on trying personality.

00:28:15.000 --> 00:28:19.999
I mean that\'s the way she lived her life.
Uh, so, she kind of just said, yeah.

00:28:20.000 --> 00:28:24.999
Like yeah, kind of like, like
go for it or something. And so

00:28:25.000 --> 00:28:29.999
the doctor said, okay. Then you want us to do
that again? She said yeah. And I remember at

00:28:30.000 --> 00:28:34.999
the time I just sort of starting arguing with her. I said,
well Cay, wait a minute. I mean we talked about this,

00:28:35.000 --> 00:28:39.999
you know. What, what are you doing here, kind of thing.
And she looked at me kind of quizzically. You know.

00:28:40.000 --> 00:28:44.999
And said, what, what are you. And then I felt, well geeze I have to
back off this isn\'t an ogre. I said, okay, okay. Whatever you want.

00:28:45.000 --> 00:28:49.999
You know, kind of like the last, it was kind of funny because
we went outside the room and then the doctors said to us,

00:28:50.000 --> 00:28:54.999
she said, gee, it never ends does it,
right. And I said No. There\'s just a lot of

00:28:55.000 --> 00:28:59.999
arguments to it. But I said, so okay. You\'re
right if that\'s what she wants then I have to go

00:29:00.000 --> 00:29:04.999
along with that. But I went home

00:29:05.000 --> 00:29:09.999
very troubled because I thought,
oh, I know she\'s going to end up

00:29:10.000 --> 00:29:14.999
back on life support. I can see it coming.

00:29:15.000 --> 00:29:23.000
[music]

00:29:45.000 --> 00:29:49.999
I thought about what all the ramifications were.
And I knew even if they could save her life

00:29:50.000 --> 00:29:54.999
or keep her going on a machine that her lunges
were so ravaged now that this was going to be a

00:29:55.000 --> 00:29:59.999
permanent state. And her care needs I
knew I couldn\'t do that at home anymore.

00:30:00.000 --> 00:30:04.999
I knew that, that was my limit. There\'s no way I could pull that
off. I couldn\'t quit my job. There wasn\'t going to be enough money.

00:30:05.000 --> 00:30:09.999
There was no way I could do the kind of things I
envisioned that would need to happen something like

00:30:10.000 --> 00:30:14.999
constant care. That night
I went back to see her.

00:30:15.000 --> 00:30:19.999
I remember telling her, I said, Cay, you know, when,
when the doctor talked to you today. The doctor

00:30:20.000 --> 00:30:24.999
was talking to you in a way, if you could
go through this one more time with this

00:30:25.000 --> 00:30:29.999
would you. She had even said to me, God it\'s
like having a garden hose down my throat.

00:30:30.000 --> 00:30:34.999
I said, I think you think if you could go through
that one more time that then you\'d come home

00:30:35.000 --> 00:30:39.999
and it would be like before. And she
nodded her head. I said, No. I said,

00:30:40.000 --> 00:30:44.999
it\'s not like. I said, how it is, is
even if they get you through this

00:30:45.000 --> 00:30:49.999
you\'re going to have to go to a nursing facility now
because I couldn\'t take you home. They\'d way you\'d be,

00:30:50.000 --> 00:30:54.999
won\'t be like before. It won\'t be like coming
home. I, there\'s no way I can take care of you.

00:30:55.000 --> 00:30:59.999
When I said that to her it was I,
she just looked at me and she said.

00:31:00.000 --> 00:31:04.999
Tim is our son, who had uh,

00:31:05.000 --> 00:31:09.999
was having a hard time um, coming
and seeing his mom in this

00:31:10.000 --> 00:31:14.999
hard shape. So, she just looked at
me and said, um, tell Tim I care.

00:31:15.000 --> 00:31:19.999
And I knew what she meant. That I
knew she\'d decided right then that

00:31:20.000 --> 00:31:24.999
uh, that she didn\'t want to go through this
if, if the, because she didn\'t want to be

00:31:25.000 --> 00:31:29.999
in a nursing home. I didn\'t want her to be in one. When
she, when she understood the full ramifications of this

00:31:30.000 --> 00:31:34.999
she made her choice.

00:31:35.000 --> 00:31:43.000
[music]

00:31:55.000 --> 00:31:59.999
It takes so much courage and love to
be that honest for Cay and for Jim.

00:32:00.000 --> 00:32:04.999
I\'ve never had to deal with
a death of anyone I love.

00:32:05.000 --> 00:32:09.999
I can hardly bare the thought.

00:32:10.000 --> 00:32:14.999
Well, things happen really quickly.

00:32:15.000 --> 00:32:19.999
So, by the next morning I got a call from the doctor
saying, Jim I need you to come down here right away.

00:32:20.000 --> 00:32:24.999
Uh, she\'s really having a lot of trouble uh, we\'re
going to probably to, to intubate her again.

00:32:25.000 --> 00:32:29.999
And now she\'s telling me she doesn\'t want to be on the machines but
I don\'t know what to do because yesterday she said the opposite.

00:32:30.000 --> 00:32:34.999
And I have this problem because right now maybe
she\'s not getting enough oxygen to her brain,

00:32:35.000 --> 00:32:39.999
we don\'t know if we can trust her judgment right
now. So, I rush down there and by the time

00:32:40.000 --> 00:32:44.999
I got there Cay was pretty out of it. And she
wasn\'t really able to talk intelligently.

00:32:45.000 --> 00:32:49.999
So, the doctor said, you know, I,
I can\'t go by what she told me.

00:32:50.000 --> 00:32:54.999
We\'re going to have to intubate her. She said,
I\'d like you to talk to the ethics doctor again.

00:32:55.000 --> 00:33:03.000
[sil.]

00:33:05.000 --> 00:33:09.999
And so, he sat me down. And he\'s trying
to explain to me rationally and ethically

00:33:10.000 --> 00:33:14.999
why they need to intubate her even though she said she
didn\'t want to. And he\'s giving me this explanation

00:33:15.000 --> 00:33:19.999
sort of legally and stuff. And I remember
by then I\'d been, we\'d been through so much

00:33:20.000 --> 00:33:24.999
through all this process and I\'d been practicing
a lot of my meditations, the things I do.

00:33:25.000 --> 00:33:29.999
And I remember just kind of having a sense
of compassion for him as, as a human being

00:33:30.000 --> 00:33:34.999
trying to solve all these problems only with, with
his mind. And I could just sort of see him and I,

00:33:35.000 --> 00:33:39.999
and I felt like well okay. You know, you\'re
given me all these rationalizations. And.

00:33:40.000 --> 00:33:44.999
And there\'s nothing I can do about the situation.
I mean that\'s the message. And I remember

00:33:45.000 --> 00:33:49.999
just kind of having compassion for
him or any of us when we\'re trying

00:33:50.000 --> 00:33:54.999
to figure things out with our minds
that are bigger than our mind.

00:33:55.000 --> 00:34:03.000
[sil.]

00:34:05.000 --> 00:34:09.999
I remember walking to the elevator to go downstairs, probably
the cafeteria or something. And I remember then wheeling

00:34:10.000 --> 00:34:14.999
her, they were taking her to the ICU. And when I
got on the elevator I heard them say, code blue

00:34:15.000 --> 00:34:19.999
on second floor. And I remember
thinking, my God that\'s Cay.

00:34:20.000 --> 00:34:24.999
You know, I know that\'s
her, I know that\'s her.

00:34:25.000 --> 00:34:29.999
And I saw them rushing her out of the elevator and
gathering around her like they do with codes.

00:34:30.000 --> 00:34:33.999
And saying kind of this
self-blaming things, (inaudible)

00:34:34.000 --> 00:34:35.000
.

00:34:35.001 --> 00:34:39.999
I don\'t know she just stop breathing, I don\'t know why she did that, and the guy
feeling. You know that thing. And I remember I was still in this very compassionate mode

00:34:40.000 --> 00:34:44.999
that because of the preparation I\'d being
doing for all this. And I thought well,

00:34:45.000 --> 00:34:49.999
okay. Now they\'re coding her. Here this
poor guy\'s feeling responsible. And

00:34:50.000 --> 00:34:54.999
of course, they\'re not responsible. I
mean, I guess she stopped breathing.

00:34:55.000 --> 00:34:59.999
I can remember this franticly
working away at, at doing whatever

00:35:00.000 --> 00:35:04.999
they were trying to do to her. And it\'s
as though I sort of joining her kind of

00:35:05.000 --> 00:35:09.999
raising above this all. And looking down and watching
all these really concerned doctors and nurses.

00:35:10.000 --> 00:35:14.999
And, and they\'re doing what they think should
be done. They\'re trying to, to bring her

00:35:15.000 --> 00:35:19.999
back to life because to them that\'s the most important thing
there is in the world. And I\'m thinking she didn\'t want this

00:35:20.000 --> 00:35:24.999
and I don\'t want this. I think this is crazy
but, but they\'re doing what they think is right

00:35:25.000 --> 00:35:29.999
and God bless them.

00:35:30.000 --> 00:35:34.999
[music] And all of a sudden this
one nurse looks over at me.

00:35:35.000 --> 00:35:39.999
So she said,\" Oh, you\'ve got to get out of here right
away.\" And, and I said to her, \"Oh, really I\'m okay.\"

00:35:40.000 --> 00:35:44.999
And she said,\" No, no. You\'ve got to leave.\" And I said, I, I
remember feeling. I said, \"Okay. Fine, I won\'t get upset.\"

00:35:45.000 --> 00:35:49.999
I said, I just sort of, like I won\'t give you a hard time. Although I
really would of almost want to say, it should be my right to watch this,

00:35:50.000 --> 00:35:54.999
it\'s my wife. But I thought, nah, I don\'t want to give them
a hard time. They\'re all doing what they think is right.

00:35:55.000 --> 00:35:59.999
And she thinks I\'m gonna suffer from
this, so I\'ll leave. Um, so I did.

00:36:00.000 --> 00:36:04.999
So, I went out and sat in the waiting room
waiting, waiting, until. You know, like now what

00:36:05.000 --> 00:36:09.999
happens.

00:36:10.000 --> 00:36:18.000
[music] Somebody finally came out and said,

00:36:45.000 --> 00:36:49.999
well, we\'ve saved her. And I\'m
kind of thinking, oh, no.

00:36:50.000 --> 00:36:54.999
He said, yes. Well, she\'s unconscious
now but we have her on life support.

00:36:55.000 --> 00:36:59.999
[sil.]

00:37:00.000 --> 00:37:04.999
I went in and saw her there. She
looked so terrible. Um, unconscious

00:37:05.000 --> 00:37:09.999
now, you know. Unconscious, out of it.
With this tube in her and various tubes.

00:37:10.000 --> 00:37:14.999
And I, thought, oh, okay. I don\'t
know what this is about. I mean how I

00:37:15.000 --> 00:37:19.999
dealt with it is I went to work. Saw a bunch of patients at
the Mental Health Center. Sort of just put it out of my mind.

00:37:20.000 --> 00:37:24.999
And then finally wen-, went back
that night to see her again.

00:37:25.000 --> 00:37:29.999
So, this nurse said, something\'s changed.

00:37:30.000 --> 00:37:34.999
They said, she keeps trying to pull this
tube out. Uh, we think she\'s um, hmm,

00:37:35.000 --> 00:37:39.999
see it\'s interesting. We think she\'s out of it because she\'s
trying to pull the tube out. She\'s always been such a

00:37:40.000 --> 00:37:44.999
good patient. I thought to myself, no she\'s
not out of it. And I went over to her.

00:37:45.000 --> 00:37:49.999
And they said, we\'re going to have uh, you better do something.
Try to talk to her because if not we\'re going to have to

00:37:50.000 --> 00:37:54.999
um, tie her down. And so, I went over

00:37:55.000 --> 00:37:59.999
and her eyes were quite wide open and she
was conscious. And I said, Honey, I, I hear

00:38:00.000 --> 00:38:04.999
you\'re trying to pull this tube out.
And I said, you know, you need to stop

00:38:05.000 --> 00:38:09.999
doing that because they\'ll have to tie your hands down. And
I said, beside if you pull that tube out you will die.

00:38:10.000 --> 00:38:14.999
And she looked me right in
the eye and said, like that.

00:38:15.000 --> 00:38:19.999
I mean, and I said, \"Oh.\" I said, you. And I
was thinking back to when the doctor said,

00:38:20.000 --> 00:38:24.999
\"Well she has to really choose.\" And I said,
\"You really decided haven\'t you?\" And she just

00:38:25.000 --> 00:38:29.999
went like that.

00:38:30.000 --> 00:38:34.999
[music] One fate spins the

00:38:35.000 --> 00:38:39.999
thread of our life. The second
measures how long we will live

00:38:40.000 --> 00:38:44.999
and the third fate cuts the thread.

00:38:45.000 --> 00:38:49.999
[music]

00:38:50.000 --> 00:38:54.999
I thought, Oh, my God. Now she wants off this thing and
I\'ll have to go to court and what\'s going to happen.

00:38:55.000 --> 00:38:59.999
Actually, when I went in to see her doctor the next
morning she said, \"Ah, I did rounds this morning and

00:39:00.000 --> 00:39:04.999
she told me.\" I said, \"Well. you know, she can\'t
talk.\" But she had this, she let me know.

00:39:05.000 --> 00:39:09.999
She didn\'t want that in there. And she says, I
know when she doesn\'t want something, she\'s done.

00:39:10.000 --> 00:39:14.999
And I said, what do you mean, we can just do this. I said, I thought
it was a big deal. And she goes, remember what the doctor said

00:39:15.000 --> 00:39:19.999
look I know what you want, I
know what she wants. She said,

00:39:20.000 --> 00:39:24.999
\"Yeah we can do this.\"

00:39:25.000 --> 00:39:29.999
She said, \"It wouldn\'t be like when we take this tube out people
think they\'re pulling the plug like the person just goes.

00:39:30.000 --> 00:39:34.999
It won\'t be like that.\" We\'ll take this tube out, she\'ll probably
go for some period of time on her own, maybe a few hours

00:39:35.000 --> 00:39:39.999
and, and then she won\'t be able to breathe on
her own anymore. And that\'s how it will be.

00:39:40.000 --> 00:39:48.000
[sil.] She pulled the tube out and she

00:39:50.000 --> 00:39:54.999
looked at Cay and she said, Well, I bet
that feels better, huh. And Cay just

00:39:55.000 --> 00:39:59.999
had this beaming smile
like, her last gesture

00:40:00.000 --> 00:40:04.999
as a human being. She just had this great big
smile and she just looked around the room

00:40:05.000 --> 00:40:09.999
and smiled at everybody. You know,
like yeah. Okay. I\'m ready. And uh,

00:40:10.000 --> 00:40:14.999
uh, so she was smiling.

00:40:15.000 --> 00:40:19.999
And uh, then she just lapsed into this uh,

00:40:20.000 --> 00:40:24.999
you know, her eyes closed.

00:40:25.000 --> 00:40:33.000
[sil.] And all of a sudden that

00:40:35.000 --> 00:40:39.999
thing went flat, a flat line, just stopped.

00:40:40.000 --> 00:40:44.999
And I looked at her and she
wasn\'t breathing anymore.

00:40:45.000 --> 00:40:49.999
And I remember kind of
thinking to myself is this it,

00:40:50.000 --> 00:40:54.999
is this all there is. So, I went over

00:40:55.000 --> 00:40:59.999
and I leaned over her and I kissed her on
her lips. And when I kissed her on her lips

00:41:00.000 --> 00:41:04.999
the heart monitor went like that.
And I thought wow,

00:41:05.000 --> 00:41:09.999
that\'s something. And my son, I remember him looking
up and said, \"Wow!\" He said, \"Dad do that again.\"

00:41:10.000 --> 00:41:14.999
Uh, with adolescent enthusiasm. So, I did.

00:41:15.000 --> 00:41:19.999
I, I kissed her on her
lips again and it went.

00:41:20.000 --> 00:41:24.999
And then I remember turning to Tim and saying,
\"Tim, I\'m not going to do that again we have to

00:41:25.000 --> 00:41:29.999
let her go. It\'s time for her to go now.\"

00:41:30.000 --> 00:41:38.000
[sil.]

00:42:00.000 --> 00:42:04.999
[music]

00:42:05.000 --> 00:42:09.999
How do people go on when someone they
love has died? Jim had to do that

00:42:10.000 --> 00:42:14.999
and so do his patients\' families.
Part of his work is helping

00:42:15.000 --> 00:42:19.999
them through their grief. Phyllis
had recently lost her husband

00:42:20.000 --> 00:42:24.999
to cancer.

00:42:25.000 --> 00:42:33.000
[music] I look at his picture
and I said, it\'s over.

00:42:35.000 --> 00:42:39.999
His whole life is over.

00:42:40.000 --> 00:42:44.999
I feel so sad.

00:42:45.000 --> 00:42:49.999
Yeah. It\'s one of those um, I call them
triggers, you know. Different events to

00:42:50.000 --> 00:42:54.999
sort of trigger that awareness, right.
It hit me so hard

00:42:55.000 --> 00:42:59.999
that night. Mm-hmm. And I said,
but it\'s over Phyllis, it over.

00:43:00.000 --> 00:43:04.999
His life can never return and
life with him can never return.

00:43:05.000 --> 00:43:09.999
It\'s kind, it was kind of like
a breaking point. Mm-hmm.

00:43:10.000 --> 00:43:14.999
You know, I, I was able to clean the
closets of all of his clothes probably

00:43:15.000 --> 00:43:19.999
the third, fourth week. Yeah. But I haven\'t
been able to get rid of the other stuff that\'s

00:43:20.000 --> 00:43:24.999
smaller and in the drawers because I don\'t
have the energy. Cause I don\'t, I\'m quite not

00:43:25.000 --> 00:43:29.999
ready. It\'s not time for everything to be gone.
Yeah. And that\'s what I keep telling myself.

00:43:30.000 --> 00:43:34.999
Time will heel things. It won\'t be as hard.
You know, not just time.

00:43:35.000 --> 00:43:39.999
It\'s, it\'s what you do
with the time or during

00:43:40.000 --> 00:43:44.999
the time. I think so. I mean you\'re doing the
kind of things that are, that are helping

00:43:45.000 --> 00:43:49.999
this healing process take place, right. Yes. You know, I
mean, you\'re doing, you\'re, you\'re working as hard as I

00:43:50.000 --> 00:43:54.999
ever known anybody work. And I, I mean
work in the sense of really trying

00:43:55.000 --> 00:43:59.999
to know like, what, what\'s uh, you know, what\'s a thing
that is going to promote my process here, right.

00:44:00.000 --> 00:44:04.999
You\'re reading, and you\'re talking, you\'re, and
then you\'re trying things out, you know. Mm-hmm.

00:44:05.000 --> 00:44:09.999
And that\'s like grief work. Yeah.

00:44:10.000 --> 00:44:14.999
One of the first times I went out I thought,
Oh god, I\'m going to go out and I\'m just cry

00:44:15.000 --> 00:44:19.999
as much as I can out there. And I\'m uh, oh, I don\'t
know how it\'s going to be when go back to the spots

00:44:20.000 --> 00:44:24.999
where he and I used to, used to, you know,
always walk so many times during our,

00:44:25.000 --> 00:44:29.999
our last months there. And so I did go
back but it was a beautiful experience.

00:44:30.000 --> 00:44:34.999
The hills were so green and everything.
And everything seemed

00:44:35.000 --> 00:44:39.999
so alive. I, it was just the
hope of green things growing and

00:44:40.000 --> 00:44:44.999
continuation of life.

00:44:45.000 --> 00:44:53.000
[music] It was just me near
there, at the foot of the bed.

00:45:00.000 --> 00:45:04.999
And I kind of had almost like a panic, like
there was this panic. Like somehow I missed

00:45:05.000 --> 00:45:09.999
something. Like here we\'d done all this
preparation for dying and I, and I been

00:45:10.000 --> 00:45:14.999
encouraging her as though death was going to be this wonderful
moment. And then I thought, well gee nothing happened.

00:45:15.000 --> 00:45:19.999
And I, I, there\'s this sense like something more
should be happening and I\'ve missed it. And it was,

00:45:20.000 --> 00:45:24.999
and just as I was thinking
all those things I had this

00:45:25.000 --> 00:45:29.999
whatever, like a message in a
sense to me not so much like

00:45:30.000 --> 00:45:34.999
Cay\'s a voice but somehow saying to
me open your heart. And I remember

00:45:35.000 --> 00:45:39.999
thinking to myself, with my mind like,
open my heart. What does that mean?

00:45:40.000 --> 00:45:44.999
I\'ve been given this instruction and I, I don\'t know what to
do. And here I\'d done all this meditation and, and lots of

00:45:45.000 --> 00:45:49.999
things like that. And I had used this expression with
Cay a lot during her illness I used to say to her,

00:45:50.000 --> 00:45:54.999
you open my heart. You know this experience
with you has opened my heart. And suddenly I

00:45:55.000 --> 00:45:59.999
thought I don\'t even know what
that means to open my heart. And,

00:46:00.000 --> 00:46:04.999
and then it was as though she kind of said to me,
we don\'t have a lot of time here, open your heart.

00:46:05.000 --> 00:46:09.999
And I remember just kind of uh,
I guess you could call it a

00:46:10.000 --> 00:46:14.999
prayer or something. Just saying look I really
want to open my heart I don\'t know how to this

00:46:15.000 --> 00:46:19.999
but if there\'s any way you can help
me open my heart, I want to do that.

00:46:20.000 --> 00:46:24.999
And all of a sudden it was as
though something in my deepest self

00:46:25.000 --> 00:46:29.999
opened up.

00:46:30.000 --> 00:46:34.999
[sil.] It was as though
kind of I were looking up.

00:46:35.000 --> 00:46:39.999
I guess above Cay, I wasn\'t looking at her
body at more. I was looking, looking beyond

00:46:40.000 --> 00:46:44.999
it seemed, literally beyond. It seemed like I was
uh, seeing something that wasn\'t really a vision

00:46:45.000 --> 00:46:49.999
but it was like this great
expansiveness, this, this

00:46:50.000 --> 00:46:54.999
great expansiveness.

00:46:55.000 --> 00:47:03.000
[music] As I looked out on to it

00:47:05.000 --> 00:47:09.999
I thought to myself, oh, I\'m, I\'m seeing the other
side or something. Something\'s happening here.

00:47:10.000 --> 00:47:14.999
I\'m being given this gift I guess
of seeing the other side. And then

00:47:15.000 --> 00:47:19.999
there was this sort of shift and the
experience was more like I was on the

00:47:20.000 --> 00:47:24.999
other side.

00:47:25.000 --> 00:47:29.999
[music] And it was like I\'m on the other side
of something with me and the rest of the world

00:47:30.000 --> 00:47:34.999
over there and I\'m over here. And I\'m kind of
holding hands with Cay except I knew that I

00:47:35.000 --> 00:47:39.999
wasn\'t holding her hand because she didn\'t have hands anymore
because she wasn\'t in a body. But, but the closest you could

00:47:40.000 --> 00:47:44.999
come to fe-, what you could describe it was like
holding her hand. As though that hand had to

00:47:45.000 --> 00:47:49.999
go soon and was barely, barely there.

00:47:50.000 --> 00:47:54.999
And it was the most marvelous thing because I could
see that everything worked just like it should.

00:47:55.000 --> 00:47:59.999
All our mistakes are okay.
And the biggest picture

00:48:00.000 --> 00:48:04.999
that I\'m seeing, everything
is really just love.

00:48:05.000 --> 00:48:09.999
And then there was a last shift. Um,
the last shift was kind of going

00:48:10.000 --> 00:48:14.999
from this sense of seeing the world and
everything in it probably for all time

00:48:15.000 --> 00:48:19.999
to just being it. As though

00:48:20.000 --> 00:48:24.999
I didn\'t have any sense of being
any more, there was no me.

00:48:25.000 --> 00:48:29.999
And then at some point I was
back in earth time I guess

00:48:30.000 --> 00:48:34.999
and, and I realized that, that I was back here
standing at the foot of this hospital bed

00:48:35.000 --> 00:48:39.999
and um, and I just had this most profound

00:48:40.000 --> 00:48:44.999
of experiences.

00:48:45.000 --> 00:48:49.999
[sil.]

00:48:50.000 --> 00:48:58.000
[music] In my work as a hospice
social worker I\'m holding

00:49:10.000 --> 00:49:14.999
all the time inside of me
that this act of dying

00:49:15.000 --> 00:49:19.999
and completing one\'s life and dying is not a
terrible, horrible thing. It\'s a very sacred thing

00:49:20.000 --> 00:49:24.999
and a very beautiful thing. And I don\'t
try to convince everybody of that

00:49:25.000 --> 00:49:29.999
but I hold in my heart that, that is so.
And I try to be there in whatever way

00:49:30.000 --> 00:49:34.999
that can help them touch the beauty
and goodness that I experienced in

00:49:35.000 --> 00:49:39.999
that process.

00:49:40.000 --> 00:49:44.999
[sil.]

00:49:45.000 --> 00:49:53.000
[music] I\'ve spent many years
learning the skills to fight death.

00:49:55.000 --> 00:49:59.999
For doctors death

00:50:00.000 --> 00:50:04.999
means failure.

00:50:05.000 --> 00:50:09.999
I haven\'t resolved my own fear of death
but what I have learned from Jim

00:50:10.000 --> 00:50:14.999
is how to sit with someone
just sit with them while death

00:50:15.000 --> 00:50:19.999
walks into the room.

00:50:20.000 --> 00:50:24.999
[music] I wonder what

00:50:25.000 --> 00:50:29.999
it will be like to be a doctor
who doesn\'t see death as

00:50:30.000 --> 00:50:34.999
the enemy.

00:50:35.000 --> 00:50:43.000
[music]

00:52:15.000 --> 00:52:17.000
[sil.]